I'm having unusal trouble with relationships.

[MellTH]

Hello everyone. I'm currently 18 and as title says,I'm having some trouble with people. So here's my story (i believe it's gonna take a while to read, so i suggest you make a coffee of smth just so you wouldn't get bored )

Back when i was 12 i realised i don't have any friends. Like, i was a part of group of friends(sound weird, imo XD), but they weren't really my friends. They never invited me anywhere, didn't care about how i was doing etc, even though i tried to be nice with them and was asking them how they were doing. It wasn't easy, but i decided to leave, because it felt like having a dead pet. I've felt pretty lonely, until l met one girl.

Pretty much she was a shy hermit without any friends like me. We get along each other. A bit later i asked her to be my gf, even though she rejected me, she begged me to stay as a friend and even cried about it. Of course i was a bit dissapointed, but after all i've got what i wanted, right? I've got a friend. And she's happy as well that i'm with her.

4 years passed, we were still friends. Her personal life got better - she's got some new friends. And so in one day we decided to walk. During the walk i ruined our relationships. Want to know how? I asked if we (i,she and her new friends) can go somewhere together sometime. I totally didn't...i don't know..."forced" her to do as i say and she was in a great mood until that question.

She always told me how good/nice/great/other word that feels good to hear i am. But after that it was like she became completely different person. She told how egoistic i am, never listen to her, doesn't allow her to have some personal space...and them she left. Left for good.

I must admit, it was a lot worse than leaving my ex-pseudo-friends behind. At one point it even became something...radical.

I don't accept depression and stuff like that like diseases, but i believe i had(and having) one. I was just sitting and talking to myself(as strange as it sounds, it's just the way i call "thinking") and it was like i was filled with hatred. I just wanted to go outside and hurt people. Mentally, physically(mostly this one), it didn't matter. But apparently i stopped myself.

"Maybe i really didn't listen to her as much as she wanted", "Maybe she was afraid i would get on well with her friends and would forget about her" " Maybe those new friends are simply better" - that kind of thoughts i had. I overcome my let's call it "revenge on humanity" thing, but feelings like "What if i let myself do what i want?" didn't left me completely. And so that argument inside of me were going on for some time. Until I've met another girl(how original)

I completely felt in love with her. Like, old girl was just a good person and opposite gender, so i just tried to became a couple with her and stuff, but i totally loved new one. Again, we got along with each other and after sometime i told her that i love her. And she replied the same way. Boy, i was so happy =D.

I thought that my good side totally won that vengeful side.But,well, unfortunately, she's the reason i registered on this forum and so you know everything wasn't so perfect.

I have a plush animal, that i wanted to gift her. So i told her that i have a little surprise for her. And guess what? She was telling me how much she hates surprises and everything that's not under her control and now she...doesn't speak to me anymore at all. Like those almost-2-years relationship never exicted, just faded away.

She's reading my messages, but never answers and she isn't answering the call. It hurts even more than friend-girl story, because i though i were something essential for her, just like she was essential for me or at least that i wasn't nothing for her.

Just like friend-girl girl she told me all that stuff how good i am and we were pretty close to each other so i never suspected her to disappear like that.

Excuses of both girls feel like they both didn't like me at all from the beginning and they were just looking for a good opportunity to get rid of me and still end up like a good person. Like "It's not me leaving him behind, he hurted my feelings like a complete moron he is and that's why i don't want to speak with him" (Btw, we never argued before that at all, both sutiations i described are first times...even though it's hard to call this an arguement...sorta...)

So, why did they do that? What's the point? Is that the way good persons behave when it comes to getting rid of someone? Hell, i'd prefer to stuck with bad people rather than this, at least it's doesn't feel that bad.

Most importanly, i returned to vengeful side and this time it's a lot stronger, and i don't like it at all. I don't want to hurt anybody, yet at the same time a want...

So here are some questions i want to ask you:

1)How do i find true love? As pathetic as it sounds, i even looked for love guides on internet - yet i still have no clue what and where i've done wrong. I cared about them as much as i could and was ready to do anything for them and make them happy at all cost.

2)Again, why is this happening like this? Wouldn't it be easier to tell "you know, i don't like you" at the beginning? Did they both try to make it less painful for me?(Well they sure made it even worse)

3)What do i do with my hatred? It's really hard to hold myself, that's why i'm looking for help here. Unfortunately, i've got enough strenth to hurt other people and that worries me the most

4)How can i trust people at all? I can't get over it, i made the same mistake twice. Seems like no matter what i'm still remaining nothing for people. Even if they would tell, that i'm important for them, there's no guarantee our relationships wouldn't end up the same way...or even worse.

Thank you for reading all this. Even if you didn't read all, thanks for your attention anyway. I hope you wouldn't laugh at me. But to be honest, despite the fact, that i fell pretty lonely and sad, the way i lost those 2 girls is just ridiculous.

P.S. In case there're any(a lot of i'm sure) grammar mistakes, i apologise - english isn't my first language.

[ThatwasThen]

How long did you date the second girl before she told you she doesn't like surprises and left? I think there is more to the story then just the way you've interpreted it because it seems awfully odd for someone to leave you over something like both of these girls left you for.

 

As for your anger and hurt over the rejection: Are you in school still? If you are, them perhaps talking to your schools guidance counselor will help you to come to terms with it.

[MellTH]

I think there is more to the story then just the way you've interpreted it because it seems awfully odd for someone to leave you over something like both of these girls left you for.

Well, that's the whole point. In case with first girl i can kinda see what i did wrong. Maybe my idea of going somewhere together sounded to her like "I'm getting bored with you, so i'll better stick with them"

When it comes to second one...i've got no idea it just...happened. The only thing i can think of is that i don't watch those TV series but she does. Even though she couldn't fully talk with me about some TV series, I still listened and tried to ask questions, just to show that i would to listen to her, even if the subject is not something i'm into.

And, i mean, people CAN argue in general, right? People argue, but then make up back, i belief. But here it's like i made my first mistake and it's all over. Well, my first mistake that she kinda pointed out.

We were dating for 2 years. At first she usually didn't share any news, but in the moments when she did i quckly were changing the subject on the conversation. As we're getting closer to each other, she became to share more, yet she still was interested in what's happening to me, you know, just like how usual conversation works.(dunno if that's important, but, i mean, if i knew i'd solve this myself and stuff)

It seemed like everything was going fine. Everything's fine - we laugh and smile, something bugs her - i try to cheer her up. Maybe there's something i didn't notice, because i was blinded by the fact that there's somebody besides my parents that cares about me.(A little offtop, i don't take my parents for granted, i love them, as much as they love me. But i guess we can agree that love from your family and love from an unrelated to you person are different things)

I'm trying to think positively, like, i've heard that women takes offense differently and maybe it'll just take some time until she forgive me(and since you're female, can you tell if you would do something like that? How would you even react if somedoby offended you?) Still, she perfectly knows that she's the only one i can care about, yet she's still toying with me like that. Wouldn't that mean that she doesn't care at all?

And even if it's all like i just described and eventually she will respond, how can i still remain like it was nothing. That's the person I trust, yet she struck me right in the heart without hesitation. Struck me because of a present which had a good purpose.

And i honestly can't predict how it'll turns out if we meet. As much as i love her, she betrayed me like it was nothing... Is that the way justice works for her? Like , i hurted her she hurted me? Will she do this everytime i make a mistake of even just everytime she wants to?

 

No, im not at school anymore. But i believe that guidance counselor you mentioned wouldn't actually help. "Don't hurt people, do something else" - that's what i'm expecting. Yet i would like to speak with psychologist or something, but i can't - i don't want to give my parents trouble of thinking that i'm some sort of loony...even if i am

P.S. Come to think of it, maybe my problem is that my "quick" replies are not so short =D ?