Is this normal to feel this way?

[kaydrom]

I've been struggling lately about how I feel about my boyfriend. We've been together over 2 years and have lived together for over a year. I feel like I love him but am not in love with him. He is my best friend and we do everything together. We share friends and have always been all about each other. But within the last month I've started to feel annoyed with him and just not caring as much about spending time with him and not that attracted to him. I've gone through this before because despite us being so close my boyfriend just does not try. The amount of comfort he has around me you would think you would be a good thing but instead it grosses me out. When we first started dating I was obsessed with him. I would get mad at him for the smallest things and would get jealous and revolved everything around him but now I just don't feel that way. I understand that the honeymoon phase is a real thing and even after the honeymoon phase I still felt really in love with him.

For 6 months my boyfriend just smoked a lot of weed and basically didn't have a personality. He never did anything nice for me, nor even acknowledged me. I felt super alone/numb and just went through life everyday thinking this is just how relationships end up being. I then met a guy at work who was vendor (I work at a grocery store so the options are slim) he asked me for my number and I declined. We didn't see each other often because he only work two days a week at my store. One day he came and sat where I was eating lunch and goes on to tell me how I am really beautiful and several compliments of small things he noticed about me and how my boyfriend was a lucky guy. I felt butterflies, I haven't been hit on in forever because of being that girl in a relationship and completely avoided guys. I lost 50 pounds and the more I started to pay attention the more I realized how many guys I could get now. Anyways I gave in and added him on Facebook. We started messaging and this was so out of character for me but it felt so good. I decided I was going to break up with my boyfriend (not for this other guy) but because I really felt like I was settling at 21. Fast forward I've been having a emotional relationship with this vendor for two weeks but made sure to make it noted we were just friends until I was single (I know that is bull). I try to break up with my boyfriend but he always convinces me to give him another chance. He goes out of town, I realized I want to fix my relationship after many promises he makes to be a better guy but that same day I find out he grabbed my best friends ass while I was passed out drunk in the other room and hid it from me for weeks. I flip out and break up with him while he's out of town still and hook up with the vendor who I tried to end things with in a drunken rage. The hook up was awful and my bf convinces me to not move all my out till after I see him in person. Of course convinces me in person to not break up with him and I admit to hooking up with the other guy. We both forgive each other and over the month I tell him I want to be on a break till he truly showed a huge change. During this time I texted other guys (he was aware) so I could explore if I wanted to be single because I really wanted to know if being with him is what I wanted. While the attention was nice, I just wake up one day and know this isn't me and I haven't been myself. Old me would never talk to any other guy. I tell my boyfriend I felt so much better and I was finally happy after not being for so long. This goes on for a couple months of us being happy but now here I am feeling like I'm settling again. I just can't get myself to leave him. Every attempt I've ever done I've always backed down and gave in. Anytime he says I can break up with him after hours of me trying i freak out and beg for him to not leave me. I have thoughts in my head about how I'm not going to meet another guy who is going to accept me for all my flaws or I can be my complete self around. My boyfriend forgave me for hooking up with another guy, stayed with me even when I told him I wanted to be on a break, and loved me before I lost weight. I can't imagine everyday life without him. But why whyyy am I craving the butterfly feeling with someone new. Why do I miss what being in love felt like? I feel so guilty for feeling this way but the thoughts don't go out of my head. I want to be happy but it's like my mind pushes me to just be annoyed with him all the time. He's done several douche bag things to me and I think about how it would be nice to be with someone who didn't do these things. Which is stupid because I'm not perfect by any means. He doesn't care about his appearance (literally never showers) and it's driving me crazy. Shouldn't being comfortable make me happy? I tell myself all relationships end up being this way but I still hate it. I'm mostly worried because how did I become happy and go back to being confused about my feelings again. I have no desire to sleep with him which has never ever been an issue in our relationship. I just feel numb like I don't care about anything but don't want anything to change. What should I do? How can you not live without someone but hate them at the same time.

[RedDress]

I think that some of what you are describing is normal (particularly when you let someone new in on the relationship). I also think that you've already made your decision but you are just afraid of it.

 

I do think it's normal to lose the butterfly feelings in a relationship. It's also normal to feel a little comfortable and taken for granted after a while. That happens. While we all strive to actively appreciate the good things in our lives on a regular basis - it's hard. It's inevitable that there will be some level of taking things for granted.

 

(I don't think it's normal to go on a 6-month pot binge or stop showering - that's a problem)

 

I also think it's normal to come across someone new and to inadvertently develop a crush and some butterfly feelings. This, however, is a critical juncture. This is where you decide whether to double-down on your relationship and find ways to spice it up or whether to abandon it for something new.

 

The reason it is critical is exactly what you described. There is just no way that something old and comfortable will ever compare to the passion, excitement and intrigue of something new. 'New' is an exciting time! It doesn't last forever, though - and it will either end up better or worse (as you found out). Then you will be left wondering and craving the 'new' again.

 

'Settling' can either be good or bad. We all have to 'settle' for something at some point. You can't just keep chasing the 'new'. The question and challenge is to 'settle' for someone that you can be happy with long term.

 

The truth is, no matter what decision you take, it can either be the right one or wrong one (and no one can tell you which it is). Maybe if you leave you will find someone 'better'. Maybe not. Maybe if you stay you will be happier. Maybe leaving is the right choice.

 

All you can do is make a decision and go forth with confidence and no regrets.

 

Personally, I think you already made your decision when you hooked up with that other guy. You were pretty clear in that moment that there might be something better out there for you and didn't care if you lost your current. Since that didn't work out, you are now scared that it was the wrong choice.

 

Personally, I don't think good things come out of fear-based decisions but rather confidently-made decisions.

[kaydrom]

Thank you so much for the reply! It's good to know what I've been feeling is somewhat normal and everything you said is true.

[lurking]

These situations are complicated. It certainly sounds to me like you have reasons to be dissatisfied by a relationship with someone who themselves sounds deeply depressed and isn't meeting your needs.

 

It's very normal to want new connections and to form crushes on new people. Don't get caught up in that, however. That is not the issue here. There will always be someone shiny and new, and the human longing for novelty and excitement can be very powerful. This is going to be especially true if you have needs that aren't being met by your partner, but it will be true regardless. However, long term intimacy provides far greater rewards than 'newness' and is absolutely worth fighting for and believing in. The real question is whether the relationship you have is worth salvaging and pursuing long term. That's what you need to find out and work on. I believe you owe it to yourself and your partner, who you say you love, to try everything to make it work. That means don't indulge new crushes (especially those who hit on you when they know you're in a relationship - that is not respectful and they do not care about you if they're prepared to do that), and absolutely, always, no matter what: communicate with your partner. Give him the chance to step up. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with him as well. Try to encourage him to get help with his apparent depression. Tell him what you need from him. Give him a chance to provide it.

 

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