Lover-friend's best friend and I kissed...should I pursue things? Should I tell my lover-friend?

[Sunny23]

Not quite a love triangle, but I met a man, let's call him Tim, about six months ago on Tinder. We had a few friends in common and though I wasn't looking for anything serious, or even a date (was really just swiping), he seemed nice so we met up at a party. I knew he would be moving to a new city soon, too. So we were both approaching it as something casual, though we did have some incredible intimacy and chemistry and feel like old friends since the beginning.

 

A bunch of my date Tim's friends were there, including his handsome best friend, who we can call Joe. During the date Tim and I ended up bonding very quickly, went out the next weekend to another party (Joe also was there) and then back to my house where we slept together. Tim and I then hung out once more before he moved to a new city the next week. We became close friends and though our lifestyles and geography mean that we probably will never be a couple, and probably for the better, I treasure Tim and he treasures me. It's a really cool friendship, in the sense we love each other and feel like we've known each other from a past life or something. It's incredibly deep, intimate connection and sexual attraction, but not the same as romantic love...none of the possessive longing or limerence. It's a really cool, unique, special connection that's hard to explain.

 

But Tim doesn't want a relationship at all (just got out of a long marriage a few years ago and is still doing his thing) and I am pretty meh about relationships, too...and don't think we'd be good together. Joe on the other hand would be much more of a boyfriend material type person, has his life together more, and I know from my conversations with Tim who has given Joe dating advice that Joe is more looking for something LTR.

 

Anyway, I ran into Joe a few days ago and he told me about a show he was going to the next day and asked if I wanted to join him. I said yes, and we ended up going out to it and drinking and he kissed me, but in a sweet way, gently. We went back to my house after and chatted and had a drink, and I had my leg sort of up against his and he rubbed my calf, but again it was more sweet than overtly sexual and we only really pecked again. All very sweet. When he left, he gave me a peck on the cheek instead of the lips, interestingly, but then when I got up to hug him he did kiss my lips.

 

But now I'm concerned about whether to tell our mutual friend Tim or not, whom I talk to on the phone every other weekish these days. I feel like I totally could and I want to be open with him about everything because he's someone I care for, but I also don't want to hurt him.

 

So should I say something or should I wait and see if things go further with Joe first?

 

And would it be wise to continue to pursue things with Joe at all without mentioning it to Tim first? I would like to, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. I'm also glad Joe and I took it slow and I feel he probably has some apprehension about the whole thing given the situation with Tim, but we haven't talked about it yet and have been keeping our distance (neither messaged the other in the past 2 days since our hanging-out, though he did send me a FB invite to something the next day).

 

Thanks and hope this story wasn't too confusing.

[SherrySher]

Since you slept with Tim and this is his best friend, then yes you need to be open to him and tell him what's going on and see how he feels about it.

 

It could be really awkward and weird or it could be fine, it depends on his reaction...but either way you need to talk to him about it.

 

At some point if it comes up with Joe, you might mention sleeping with Tim. Seeing as they are best friends I am sure he'd probably want to know that. He might not

 

care either, but it does sound like it could possibly complicate things.

[Sunny23]

I'm pretty sure Joe knows that Tim and I have slept together/had a thing. I'm 99.9% sure of it in fact. I'll ask Tim when I talk to him about it. Thanks.

[SherrySher]

Yeah, it's just best that everyone is on the same page and that no one has a problem with anything. It wouldn't matter so much if they weren't that good of friends, but seeing as they are, you don't want to step on anyone's toes or make things strained.

[Sunny23]

Or maybe I should talk to Joe about it first? I dunno! I mean, it's possible he could have said something to Tim already for all I know.

[SherrySher]

Well seeing as you started out with Tim and he is the one who could be potentially upset, I would talk to him first.