Ldr says he needs more space

[300miles]

Hi everyone

I've been in my ldr for a year and we see each other around every 3/4 weeks.

A lot of the time it is me calling my boyfriend or texting him first because I am the less busy one out of the two of us and I do struggle with the distance more.

We normally speak on the phone at least twice a day.

We try to set times for this especially at night because that is the way it always has been.

Last night me and my boyfriend had a two hour conversation about issues we have been having, I am very insecure at times and this passes off into my relationship and causes issues and I guess makes my boyfriend feel like he can't make me happy, which he can but I am insecure.

I worry that he will find someone better than me. My negative thinking really annoys him and I am trying to stop but it's a long process.

 

I am also having some problems at home so not truly happy at the moment and this is damaging to my relationship because I constantly go to my boyfriend about it.

 

I got a little annoyed because he had let me down on a couple of things he had said and this was what started that conversation off. He said to me that he needs more space and for us not to talk as much because he feels at times like I am suffocating him, and lots of other things to that extent.

This really really hurt me knowing that that is how I make him feel, he knows I struggle more but he said he doesn't ever get the chance to really miss me because when we talk so much it feels like I am there constantly and he doesn't get any time for himself, which I feel like he does.

 

I know I need to give him a bit of space now but I really miss him and I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice or ways I can make him want to talk to me more again

[glitterfingers]

You need to be a bit more self-sufficient and emotionally independent. His concern is probably less about the amount of contact you have than the amount of emotional reliance/dependency that you're placing on him. That is a tough load for any individual to carry.

 

Is there any way you can rely on friends or family to get some of your emotional needs met? If not, can you see a counsellor who can be both a sounding board, provide helpful advice and help you work through your insecurities?

 

You're putting too much pressure on your boyfriend to be everything in one. Give him a bit of space and see whether you can grow to be comfortable with yourself by branching out and finding the stability you need within yourself. You can miss him and want to talk to him daily, but needing this much contact and heaping all your emotional issues on him is going to prevent you from having a healthy, loving partnership the way that it should be

[MissCanuck]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice or ways I can make him want to talk to me more again

 

This is not the solution to this problem. This is just you trying to get him to do what you want, without really listening to what he's telling you.

 

You need to work on your own insecurity to really make this better. What do you not like about yourself, and why do you fear your boyfriend shares that opinion and will leave you? What can you do about those things to elevate your own self-esteem, to the point where you don't need the constant validation from him?

 

Talking every day, twice a day, can get awfully tedious and boring. What do you talk about all the time?

 

He's giving you a warning that he's not happy with the way things are. It's an attraction-killer when a partner is too clingy and smothering, and he's already starting to associate negative feelings with you. Not good. You're putting too much pressure on him to make you feel good and that's not really his job. A big part of that is up to you.

 

But the good news is he's not gone yet. You have the power to make some changes and turn this around. And the way to do that is not by coming up with ways to make him want to talk to you. The way forward is to get busy with your own life. Work on the things that make you question and doubt yourself, unrelated to him. You need to boost your own confidence and give him breathing room.

[thorough]

Give him the space he wants, do not contact him. Asking for space in a LDR is a bad sign, you are already not seeing each other.

[No1]

When you are dating someone, you want to smile when you think of them. You want them to make you happy and you want to make them happy. From what you are saying that dating you is like a full time job and the only person who is happy is you. Set times and you said you talk at least twice a day. I would bet if I looked at your phone, you would have no less than 5 calls and 20 text messages a day. And I'm willing to guess that if he doesn't answer, you start calling or texting. I think that because you said you get annoyed with him.

 

Listen to what he is saying, he is saying "step back and quit suffocating me" You are trying to minimize the distance between you two by closing the gap with time. You cant control the distance, but you can control the time between texts and calls. Let me ask you and be honest, if you call and he doesn't answer or call you back, how much time do you give before texting or re-call him? I'm getting off the subject...

 

If you do not slow down, he will not ask for time and space, but he will take it and you wont like it. If you call and he doesn't answer, leave a VM and then put the phone down. He will call you when he wants to. He has to come to you, he has to miss talking to you and if you are constantly texting and calling, you become a chore and I can tell you that once he sees you as a job or a chore, you are done.