Jessicajane Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 My boyfriend and I were together for 8 months. When we met he was the dream boyfriend, making me feel secure, talking about the future, buying me flowers and wanting to spend every second together. After several months this slowly died down, he wanted to see me less, he wouldn't say nice things to me like he used and stopped telling me he loved me as much. He was still very affectionate in person. This made me feel insecure and talking to him about this would cause a row with him telling me I'm bringing up issues and how he is the worst boyfriend ever. He was often snappy and would have a go at me for small things. After 6 months He stopped showing an interest in my life, he would rarely speak to me, started drinking more and said I wasn't his priority. I felt uncomfortable around him. We discussed breaking up (which I initiated) but were both too upset. We went on holiday two weeks later where we didn't speak much. I spoke to him the day we got back saying how unhappy I was and either he makes me feel loved or I can't be with him. He said he won't change and we broke up. After 3 days I begged him back. He said he loved me but he couldn't do it as it would be delaying another breakup. 2 weeks later he messaged on my birthday, we chatted and he told me how much he was struggling and wanted to meet and discuss giving it another shot. We talked about things, he cried, he said he was happy to only see me 2/3 times a week and wouldn't want to move in together until 3 years. He made out his life and job were more important than mine. I stupidly agreed to get back together but asked him to talk to me more. We stayed together for 2 weeks but only saw each other 3 times, I was away for one week. Each time we saw each other it was me that had arranged and in between he rarely contacted me. He didn't message me for a day, I asked him why he found it so hard to message and said how unloved I felt and how my needs were second to his. He turned around and said it wasn't working, he loves me and wants it to work but he's not going to change and I'm miserable. The relationship has made me feel so insecure but I strangely want him back. Do you think he will return or is that it forever? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 He is not boyfriend material, girl. Over and over, he has showed you that he isn't really bothered about having a relationship any longer. Yeah, he comes around sometimes and cries and says all the right things to get you back, but then he loses interest again. I think you don't want him back, but the feeling of being wanted and loved. But you're barking up the wrong tree, so to speak. He isn't going to be able to make you feel happy, secure and loved. There's another guy out there who could, though, if you will cut yourself free from this one. The very sweet and caring guy you saw in the beginning is not who he really is. Most of us put our best foot forward and try hard to impress our new love interests in the beginning. I don't mean to suggest he faked his interest in you, but he also couldn't keep the appearance of being invested and romantic when he's just not. That's why it's so important to give a relationship time to develop before making big future plans, because we need to understand who our partners really are when the initial sparks settle and their true colours come through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 You don't want him to return, sincerely, you don't. This is not the man for you. You two are not compatible or on the same page. Your needs are more so than his and he is more comfortable being a in far more casual relationship. You will never make each other happy. You need to close that door and find someone more like you who wants something more serious. You cannot keep beating a dead horse and expecting it to get up and run. It won't. This is done and in the long run, you will be glad it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessicajane Posted August 13, 2017 Author Share Posted August 13, 2017 Thanks for your reply? Do you not think he loved me? And do you not think he will come back again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 He is not going to change into the man you want him to be. How he's acting now is the REAL him. Not the "in the beginning" guy. If you went for a third try the result would be exactly the same. Why would you want to try to settle for this? You want more! So hold out for a guy who will give you more. This guy is not him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 Why do you want him to come back? He has been very careless with your feelings and does not care about things like you do. He has even said you are not his priority. You can do better than this guy! Don't let him belittle you like this, seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessicajane Posted August 13, 2017 Author Share Posted August 13, 2017 I guess I still love him and don't believe I will find better. When things were good they were really good. I've never felt like this about anyone before. Why do you think he came back before? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 I guess I still love him and don't believe I will find better. When things were good they were really good. I've never felt like this about anyone before. Why do you think he came back before? Because you begged him back! As you wrote in the quote below, you agreed to settle for less: "After 3 days I begged him back. He said he loved me but he couldn't do it as it would be delaying another breakup. 2 weeks later he messaged on my birthday, we chatted and he told me how much he was struggling and wanted to meet and discuss giving it another shot. We talked about things, he cried, he said he was happy to only see me 2/3 times a week and wouldn't want to move in together until 3 years. He made out his life and job were more important than mine. I stupidly agreed to get back together but asked him to talk to me more. We stayed together for 2 weeks but only saw each other 3 times..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessicajane Posted August 13, 2017 Author Share Posted August 13, 2017 But he said no when I begged him back and it wasn't until 2 weeks after he said how much he was struggling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 But he said no when I begged him back and it wasn't until 2 weeks after he said how much he was struggling. Again, he also said this: "he said he was happy to only see me 2/3 times a week and wouldn't want to move in together until 3 years. He made out his life and job were more important than mine." In two weeks of being back together you only saw him 3 times! I get it, you want him to be who you want him to be. But he's not, no matter how much you wish it were so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 I guess I still love him and don't believe I will find better. When things were good they were really good. I've never felt like this about anyone before. Why do you think he came back before? Because it required no effort, along with knowing that he can come and go at his leisure, without facing any consequences. Either way, I'm sure it's easier said than done, but it's time to up your standards, respect yourself and refuse to be treated in that manner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kve1987van1 Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 This sounds exactly like my last relationship. He was invested in the beginning but then he started to change through out tje relationship. The one thing I did was break it off completely. He wanted to stay friends and then stop talking if either one of us were dating but knew this was not right again. He wanted his cake amd eat it to. Be wanted me but he didn't think that it takes work to compromise and be in a healthy relationship with someone else. Don't go back. No matter what. You broke up for a reason and that reason is clear. I understand how hard it is to lose that affection but its even harder to be played with emotionally. Grieve the relationship move on and find someone who will give you what you need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessicajane Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 That's exactly how my ex was, he thought I should just slot into his life and go along with things the way he wanted. Did you ever hear from your ex again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 No, this wasn't love. Not for him. Do you treat people you love so dismissively and indifferently? The point you're missing is that this is who he is. It hasn't even been a year and already there is too much discord and loss of interest. Believe that these are his true colours. It's not going to work out in your favour, OP. You're in for more pain if you allow this guy to bounce in and out of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessicajane Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 So you don't think I'll ever hear from him again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlewasabi Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 Hi Jessica, Just to give you a different perspective. I don't think you necessarily had a bad guy there. When men first get in to a relationship with a girl they are attracted to their lizard brain takes over and they pay the girl a lot of attention. What sounds to me that happened was, your boyfriends love for you didn't decrease, he just stopped being in the initial euphoric phase of a new relationship. Your mistake may have been taking this as a loss of love and nagging him and telling him he wasn't a good boyfriend anymore. Have you ever read anything by Katarina Phang? She talks about how women turn good men in to frogs by nagging and 'bringing the talk'. Without knowing it, I think us girls try to talk and complain and nag and think that gets us what we want but it does the opposite and pushes a guy away. Men respond to how you make them feel not your words. Did you make him feel good about himself and like he was doing right by you? He probably gave up. The only chance he will be retracted to you in my opinion is if he sees that you are more relaxed, like the girl he first fell for. I hope this doesn't come off like Im saying the relationship ended because of you, but its important to look at ourselves objectively after a breakup. My boyfriend left me 6 or 7 weeks ago now, and Ive done so much reading and learned so much about what makes men tick in that time. Nagging and blaming is definitely a red flag for them and when I reflect back over the last 6 months which led to th demise of my own relationship, Im sure that I pushed him away with my insecure behavior. Men value freedom and don't respond to pressure. Anyway, sorry if Im way off but to me it sounds like he loves you and was suffering in his own way too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessicajane Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 But how could he see that if we don't speak anymore? He's already come back once so the likelihood of him returning again is not very high Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessicajane Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 When he came back he admitted that he was at fault and not me but he still made no effort before I started to nag so I'm not sure it was the nagging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 So you don't think I'll ever hear from him again? You will probably hear from him again. But will it be for a true, solid reconciliation? I don't think so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessicajane Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 Thanks for all replies. I know I shouldn't but I hope he gets in touch soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angellly Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 Hi main poster, I came across your thread and read through what you've illustrated what you've been through. After done reading I had to specially create this account to let you know I am going the exact same sequence of events as you. It started I'm the goddess who can do no wrong and more important than the live of a president. Will drop everything on his hands and fly over to cure and fix whatever problem I have, even it's to mean risking his devoted job. Then gradually after much quarrel for his shorter and shorter fuse his has for me, things just never get better already. The end of June was when I first time see how much of an anger issue he could have and by first week of July the argument was so heaty till I have to break down and eventually declare to break. Of course why would I want to. All along I was me shifting and hinting our relationship to next level and rearing to make things keep going. Well of course it was always me being blamed for I need his time. Work and friends is always more important. Sure, towards the end of relationship I was already so well trained by so maybe 'I don't think we can work out' by him that I already can be more resilient on him not trying spend time together. My indifference is what make him more in tune and Buck up. But like most people are telling you, perhaps also something I should get this into my system: Basically they are just trying to impress us, whichever way they try to do initially isn't him. I thought I want to be of some support/ accompany for you although it's just gonna be a few paragraphs of comfort: wanna let you know and feel you're not alone. (seems like I will know how to relate to your feelings more than your X will ever be). And to your question: very hard. Very hard people like them will become who you want them to be. Telling you this is like also a reminder to myself. If you ask me of course my heart want that he will come back talk to me and and miraclely become bf hubby material be my emotional and spiritual support so I can have a place to reside on. But your X sound too much like mine. Try to see if he has anger issues also. Also the ego is really Huge. Something that don't seem visible. They are nothing to be wronged. They are never wrong. Actually it's like we can never make someone wants to be in a relationship if they don't, make someone sorry if they don't. As much I don't like to do this and it's tough do this: go on full NC. He didn't appreciate you anyway. If you really want to even get a chance for him to treasure and want to back. That's the only logical way already. Meanwhile check out YouTube how people going through Law of Attraction and subliminal. It almost lifted me to another 'dimension' in this better less painful place. Hope will help you too! try to stay awake like I am doing now. As time passes you'll feel better too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 If he came back, it would be the exact same situation, with him only agreeing to see you three times in two weeks and him telling you he isn't interested in living together and that his career is more important than you. The more important question should be...why am I so desperate to return to being treated like I'm unimportant? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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