Break up threats

[glitterfingers]

So, I'm a little hesitant to post about this but I'm rather distressed and need some perspective on what the right way to move forward is.

 

Been with my boyfriend (long distance) since the start of this year. We were friends first for a while, so have had a very close relationship for nearly 18 months and simply transitioned into being open about our feelings with one another. We haven't had much in the way of -real- issues, except for occasional miscommunications since a lot of our conversations are had via messages. Previously we've had a few heated moments and agreed to simply talk it out on the phone when we can, as we've never had a verbal argument once we hear the intonation and get a chance to fully explain ourselves. We are extremely (I'd dare say unusually) compatible in that way - I've never had that with someone else and neither has he.

 

However, recently he has been pushing the fights a bit through messages and takes a lot of convincing to get on the phone when he gets upset. So a couple of weeks ago, I sent him some heartfelt messages which triggered him to feel upset and he started getting really emotional because he misconstrued some of what I said as me making a complaint. I told him he meant too much to me to have an argument, and after about maybe 45 mins of back and forth messaging he finally agreed to talk on the phone and we resolved things pretty quickly. It was definitely a conversation that needed to be had, but we moved on from it just fine. I'm not sure, but I think the reason he didn't want to talk immediately was because he might have been crying or on the verge of it.

 

Two nights ago, we were having a conversation about an upcoming trip I was booking to see him. A few things were said which he misconstrued, and once I realised we were having a fight, I stopped engaging in the argument and used only calm words to convey that we needed to hear each other out on the phone. It took me nearly 2 hours to get him on the phone, he refused to answer 2 of my calls and sent me a lot of sarcastic messages as he felt that my calm tone was condescending. As soon as we got to verbally talking though, he's happy and loving again and we are right back to being in that place of understanding.

 

Problem is, during his texting tirade, he basically told me to book my trip elsewhere because I cause him too much stress, I'm aloof/act high and mighty, that "we don't even live together and we're fraught with problems" (later conceded that our only issue is communication occasionally), and that he wasn't submissive enough to match with my personality (I think he was referring to what he thought was my condescending tone). While he was messaging me this, I clarified if he was suggesting we end things and if he was serious or just angry, and he responded he was pretty serious. As predicted though, once we got on the phone that anger was gone almost immediately and we resolved things quickly

 

He recognises now that I was simply trying to de-escalate and had limited options to do that other than to be calm and push for a phone call. He told me he knows he has a lot to learn from me about how to handle arguments, that he knows what he said was nasty and that he wouldn't be too surprised if I'd wanted to walk away, knew he wasn't off the hook for that behaviour. He kept talking about the future and how much I mean to him and how he didn't have a good experience in his last serious relationship etc.

 

Next day, he went to the beach he wants me to stay at and took pics and sent them to me. I didn't respond and haven't spoken to him in two days because honestly...I'm really devastated. Also busy (at uni 7 days a week currently, 8-6) so he is giving me space. But mostly I'm just devastated.

 

I've come to two conclusions based on the fact that he was so loving and happy once we finally got on the phone (which took a lot of convincing from me).

1) He wasn't serious and prepared to follow through with that subtle break up suggestion, and only said it to hurt me or because he was feeling insecure (he often tells me he doesn't feel good enough for me, so I can see how frustration and assuming I'm condescending to him could lead to this)

2) He isn't as serious about me as he says he is, and would be prepared to break up over a stupid argument without giving us a chance to talk

 

I feel like the argument was avoidable and largely his fault for getting to that point. His emotional regulation isn't the best sometimes, but he just kept pushing and not wanting to reason because he didn't like the tone of my messages and was convinced I'd said some offensive things. Although he's promised to suspend judgement and not do this again, I feel quite insecure with how he handled this

 

I don't want to leave him, honestly, as I can see this was a mistake on his part and he acknowledges that completely. But at the same time, I need to ensure that this doesn't happen again, because I can't handle that kind of fragility and it's taking a heavy emotional toll on me

 

What should I do? He knows what he's done wrong, so addressing it again seems like it'd only cause more damage. I'm at the point where I'm ready to call off my trip and just see what happens in our relationship, but the problem is I have an intense study load and may not get to see him for 5 mths if I don't book that trip, and that decision will hurt him a lot

[Jeetsun]

But at the same time, I need to ensure that this doesn't happen again, because I can't handle that kind of fragility and it's taking a heavy emotional toll on me

 

How can you possibly ensure that this doesn't happen again by staying together? Ensuring it won't happen again is predicated on only one option- walking away. Sounds like you two have different communication styles. Really though, this whole thing illustrates why LDR's typically don't work. There's a lot of miscommunication that happens over the phone and even more ****storms happen via text. This is why in person communication is key, body language /non-verbal communication is a paramount too to be able to gauge how things are going.

 

You could try going forward with the trip to really see if there is anything there between the two of you, that's really the only way to find out. If there is, then perhaps making moves to close the distance would help foster things. If there isn't any chemistry then you know. Having a relationship based heavily on text and phone calls just really doesn't work; distance is contradictory to being in a working relationship with someone.

[glitterfingers]

But at the same time, I need to ensure that this doesn't happen again, because I can't handle that kind of fragility and it's taking a heavy emotional toll on me

 

How can you possibly ensure that this doesn't happen again by staying together? Ensuring it won't happen again is predicated on only one option- walking away. Sounds like you two have different communication styles. Really though, this whole thing illustrates why LDR's typically don't work. There's a lot of miscommunication that happens over the phone and even more ****storms happen via text. This is why in person communication is key, body language /non-verbal communication is a paramount too to be able to gauge how things are going.

 

You could try going forward with the trip to really see if there is anything there between the two of you, that's really the only way to find out. If there is, then perhaps making moves to close the distance would help foster things. If there isn't any chemistry then you know. Having a relationship based heavily on text and phone calls just really doesn't work; distance is contradictory to being in a working relationship with someone.

 

You're right, I have no control over whether or not this happens again and that's the scariest part. We do pretty well all things considered though - never any disagreements over the phone and our verbal communication is great. It's just the texting which is problematic (if you've ever seen that video about the two guys texting and one thinks they're being friendly, the other thinks it's a fight and shows up at the bar with a baseball bat with nails in it? Yeah...)

 

For the record, I think he's planning on moving here in a year or so pending how our relationship progresses

[Seraphim]

The only way to ensure this doesn't keep happening is to STOP texting. Texting is a super bad way of communication . People can't tell tone ,inflection what's actually being said. Even when my husband was deployed we never used text . We would use Skype or FaceTime or some other form of communication where we could see and hear each other and that was on the other side of the world.

 

That might work out better.

[glitterfingers]

The only way to ensure this doesn't keep happening is to STOP texting. Texting is a super bad way of communication . People can't tell tone ,inflection what's actually being said. Even when my husband was deployed we never used text . We would use Skype or FaceTime or some other form of communication where we could see and hear each other and that was on the other side of the world.

 

That might work out better.

 

I agree with this, and I had this thought, but I honestly don't think it's an option for us. We have mismatched schedules, so having the texts there lets us be in each others' lives and update each other without having to be 100% available (e.g. he'll send me a picture while he's at the gym or taken his daughter to the park, I'll shoot him a message while I'm in between classes). It's such an integral part of our relationship that we wouldn't function without it. Perhaps I have yet to accept that it's inherently problematic and there's no way around that

[MissCanuck]

I agree, there is too much texting going on with regards to important issues.

 

I think it's fine to use texting to keep in touch throughout the day, send nice photos or jokes, that sort of thing. But about serious issues or problems, it is not the way to go. And neither is pushing for a phone call. I understand you want to resolve arguments quickly, OP, but when he's already upset, pushing him to get on the phone with you is not a good approach.

 

I had an ex who did that whenever he thought I was angry, and could not understand that I sometimes just needed some time to cool down and sort out my thoughts before speaking. Him insisting I speak to him immediately was very irritating and disrespectful of my boundaries too. I didn't always need time to chill out before talking but when I did, he didn't give a crap. He wanted to speak now, regardless of my feelings. My suggestion to you is that if he is refusing to speak on the phone, let it go. Tell him to let you know when a good time to speak would be, and back off. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but pushing someone who is already upset is certain to backfire. You would probably have much better results this way, and he might in fact even take the first step and call you the next time an argument arises.

[glitterfingers]

I agree, there is too much texting going on with regards to important issues.

 

I think it's fine to use texting to keep in touch throughout the day, send nice photos or jokes, that sort of thing. But about serious issues or problems, it is not the way to go. And neither is pushing for a phone call. I understand you want to resolve arguments quickly, OP, but when he's already upset, pushing him to get on the phone with you is not a good approach.

 

I had an ex who did that whenever he thought I was angry, and could not understand that I sometimes just needed some time to cool down and sort out my thoughts before speaking. Him insisting I speak to him immediately was very irritating and disrespectful of my boundaries too. I didn't always need time to chill out before talking but when I did, he didn't give a crap. He wanted to speak now, regardless of my feelings. My suggestion to you is that if he is refusing to speak on the phone, let it go. Tell him to let you know when a good time to speak would be, and back off. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but pushing someone who is already upset is certain to backfire. You would probably have much better results this way, and he might in fact even take the first step and call you the next time an argument arises.

 

Yeah, this is a good point, but he tends to want to be just sending me a string of angry messages and my response is that we're going to need to talk. I'll give him time, but my only written responses are that I'm not going to argue and I need to hear his voice. I know that can seem anxiety-inducing but he calms down as soon as I get him on the phone tiny bit of a temper/indignation, I suppose.

 

If I don't engage and try and get him on the phone, his likely course of action will be to sulk for a day or two. I really do love him, he's just a bit silly when he gets cross

 

I will try next time simply telling him to call me when he's free and then not responding

[Seraphim]

I agree with this, and I had this thought, but I honestly don't think it's an option for us. We have mismatched schedules, so having the texts there lets us be in each others' lives and update each other without having to be 100% available (e.g. he'll send me a picture while he's at the gym or taken his daughter to the park, I'll shoot him a message while I'm in between classes). It's such an integral part of our relationship that we wouldn't function without it. Perhaps I have yet to accept that it's inherently problematic and there's no way around that

We had mismatched schedules as well. It was 8 hour time difference and wether he was on a mission or not. It IS doable. But you have to commit to it.

[rosephase]

I'm not going to blame the texting. I don't think texting is the issue. The issue is he says mean and things to you and threatens breaking up. Those are crappy behaviors. Break up threats when you are angry and doing it to get an emotional rise out of your partner is boarder line abusive and even if that doesn't scrape your feeling of abusive it is FOR SURE immature. He was also actively avoiding the thing that he knew would make it better between you two (to talk on the phone) he knows this pattern and wanting to keep fighting instead of fixing the miscommunication... which is also immature and stubborn and a bad sign about how he handles conflict. He would rather be angry then fix it, even when he knows how to fix it.

 

I would be very upset as well. I think your reaction is healthy. And if you want to give him another shot with the understanding that he knows he messed up, go ahead. But I've found that people who have these patterns of behavior (emotional sh*t string during conflict) can rarely change overnight. If you stick around be clear with him that he should -never- bring breaking up out of anger in the moment. That those words have a lot of impact and shouldn't be used lightly. And if you stick with him I would watch for this pattern to repeat itself. And be ready to head for the hills if/when this crappy behavior shows up again.

[HeartGoesOn]

How many times have you met in person?

[limichelle]

When I had my long distance relationship after my ex. The guy I was talking too pulled a lot of the same crap as this guy! He was short fused and I had to always be calm which made it worse. Then he would act like nothing happened after a few minutes.

 

Honestly op who needs that drama? Long distance doesn't work because you aren't face to face a lot of the time, to read body language and have better communication.

 

I would give up the ghost and find someone local who is a more easy going personality.

 

Lisa

[boltnrun]

Glitter, how many times has HE reached out to fix the communication issues or to try to resolve a conflict?

[glitterfingers]

How many times have you met in person?

 

We've met many times as friends since we have mutual friends where he lives (I used to live there). But as a couple, 0. I think this is part of the issue tbh as he feels things could fall apart so easily and so when things get tense he just throws his hands up, even though that's not what he wants, just kind of insecure I guess

[glitterfingers]

Glitter, how many times has HE reached out to fix the communication issues or to try to resolve a conflict?

 

Difficult question to answer because he and I approach conflict in fundamentally different ways, and I am a lot less likely to get upset at something in a message. Historically, he's mostly been the one to arrange a call if he knows I'm upset, and has told me that any time there's a slight issue it's better we talk it over as early as possible. But if I get upset, it's usually over a string of behaviour spanning days/weeks that's made me uncomfortable, so it doesn't lead to the same sort of conflict and it can wait until we have a chance to talk

 

He is open to changing/talking, just the short fuse thing that's cropped up recently is ringing alarm bells for me since I was in an abusive relationship in the past and I have a lot of baggage over that

[glitterfingers]

I'm not going to blame the texting. I don't think texting is the issue. The issue is he says mean and things to you and threatens breaking up. Those are crappy behaviors. Break up threats when you are angry and doing it to get an emotional rise out of your partner is boarder line abusive and even if that doesn't scrape your feeling of abusive it is FOR SURE immature. He was also actively avoiding the thing that he knew would make it better between you two (to talk on the phone) he knows this pattern and wanting to keep fighting instead of fixing the miscommunication... which is also immature and stubborn and a bad sign about how he handles conflict. He would rather be angry then fix it, even when he knows how to fix it.

 

I would be very upset as well. I think your reaction is healthy. And if you want to give him another shot with the understanding that he knows he messed up, go ahead. But I've found that people who have these patterns of behavior (emotional sh*t string during conflict) can rarely change overnight. If you stick around be clear with him that he should -never- bring breaking up out of anger in the moment. That those words have a lot of impact and shouldn't be used lightly. And if you stick with him I would watch for this pattern to repeat itself. And be ready to head for the hills if/when this crappy behavior shows up again.

 

Thank you for putting my fears into words. I honestly don't think he realises the implications of his actions since he's never had it pointed out to him before (and people learn this from their own families/past relationships). I'm particularly sensitive since I was in an abusive relationship where this happened a LOT. The difference with this guy is when we do get to talking, he completely changes his tune and sees what I'm saying in a new light and agrees to try harder in the future. He also claims that he wants to learn how to be better at love and that he 'has a lot to learn from me', and he's sorry he's such a slow learner

 

I don't know how to drive the message home that he gets no more chances on this issue. Going on 3 days of NC until I can figure that part out...

[mustlovedogs]

After my ex kinda threatened a breakup once, our relationship nosedived. He did it around our 1 year anniversary and we were shaky until he ended it finally a year later.

 

It brought out my insecurity so I tried so hard to be good enough. He went the opposite direction and went totally apathetic which fueled my insecurity

 

My point: I wish I had walked after the first threat. Because I don't see how you come back from that with a healthy relationship

[glitterfingers]

After my ex kinda threatened a breakup once, our relationship nosedived. He did it around our 1 year anniversary and we were shaky until he ended it finally a year later.

 

It brought out my insecurity so I tried so hard to be good enough. He went the opposite direction and went totally apathetic which fueled my insecurity

 

My point: I wish I had walked after the first threat. Because I don't see how you come back from that with a healthy relationship

 

This does concern me. I keep thinking he's just planted a seed and I don't know whether it can be taken back. But he did answer the phone and acknowledge it was just out of exasperation and he regretted it (so it was a lingering threat for all of about 20 mins)

 

Nobody should have to be in the situation you were in for a whole year, I definitely would find that traumatic

 

I think taking some time out now is important to figure out whether this can be overcome

[MissCanuck]

We've met many times as friends since we have mutual friends where he lives (I used to live there). But as a couple, 0. I think this is part of the issue tbh as he feels things could fall apart so easily and so when things get tense he just throws his hands up, even though that's not what he wants, just kind of insecure I guess

 

This is a big problem. Why haven't you spent time together as a couple?

 

It's difficult to feel connected to a partner when you've not yet even had the chance to develop your bond in person, as a unit.

 

I think, unfortunately, it's very hard to come back from a break-up threat. One of my exes used to do that, and it completely shattered my sense of security in the relationship. How could I open myself up to a guy who threatened to walk when he got angry? I took it as a sign that he just wasn't invested the way I was, and turned out to be right.

 

The fact that you have had no in-person couple time also significantly affects how attached someone can possibly feel, in my point of view. Without the chance to build your connection (from friends to a couple) offline and in real life, you remain quite limited in your ability to grow and move forward together.

[glitterfingers]

This is a big problem. Why haven't you spent time together as a couple?

 

It's difficult to feel connected to a partner when you've not yet even had the chance to develop your bond in person, as a unit.

 

I think, unfortunately, it's very hard to come back from a break-up threat. One of my exes used to do that, and it completely shattered my sense of security in the relationship. How could I open myself up to a guy who threatened to walk when he got angry? I took it as a sign that he just wasn't invested the way I was, and turned out to be right.

 

The fact that you have had no in-person couple time also significantly affects how attached someone can possibly feel, in my point of view. Without the chance to build your connection (from friends to a couple) offline and in real life, you remain quite limited in your ability to grow and move forward together.

 

I think it might be a bit extreme to say it's a "big problem" - it's just how things have developed, and we're taking steps to spend time together now. Part of the issue though is that he got full custody of his toddler this year and that brought some additional challenges in terms of his availability for travel. I was already planning on visiting him at some point this year because I have to visit some family, but it kept getting pushed back. He was going to visit me last week but his family and daughter became very ill for about 5-6 weeks and we weren't able to finalise those plans.

 

I agree it's challenging and affects how bonded we can feel. I think this is why I have to be so empathetic to the pressures that contributed to him saying this in the heat of the moment. I have to also be grateful for how quickly we recovered from that, as that shows me that there's at least something to work with. But of course I feel insecure about this now, and I know he would too.

 

The way I see it, we either need to agree to see things through as much as possible, or agree to part ways. Being in between is a dangerous place to be

[boltnrun]

If he has so much going on that it causes him to lash out, maybe he's not in the right place for a relationship.

 

And if he has a toddler he must be pretty fresh out of his previous relationship.

[MissCanuck]

I say it's a big problem that you've spent no time together in person - as couple - because you've been an item since the beginning of the year and here we are in August. You two haven't managed to see each other at all in 8 months, so how realistic is the prospect of a long-term relationship?

 

In other words, if it's this difficult to manage even one meet-up, how can things really progress?

 

For that reason, I don't feel it's extreme to say this is indeed a big problem. Logistics are really not in your favour here, and you do not have that foundation of couple-time to build on. I don't mean to minimize what you have with him, but there are a lot of factors that seem to be working against this relationship, I'm afraid. Him threatening to end it is a symptom of bigger issues, it appears.

[glitterfingers]

His last relationship ended in 2014, but his ex was still living with them until April because she was too financially unstable to manage living on her own. Neither of them wanted to lose custody, but she eventually relented and left. He still lives with his parents though because they had their daughter quite young, and my boyfriend doesn't get on all that great with his family members at all times which does make him quite unhappy.

 

Part of the reason he's been a bit more fragile lately is that he took it upon himself to organise the first visit between us, but because of things that were beyond his control he couldn't quite make it happen in a reasonable time frame, and I think he internalised a lot of that stress (feelings of failure) and this was part of the reason for him becoming more agitated and lashing out at me, feeling not good enough etc. I unintentionally added to that pressure by trying to change the plans to me visiting him instead because I have more freedom to do that, which caused him to feel that he had to work harder to make things happen and feel even more frustrated when he couldn't ... trying to ask his parents to take care of his toddler in the midst of his parents divorcing etc, he's just worked himself up and made things much harder than they needed to be. Seems to feel somewhat emasculated by the fact that I'm the one who's in a position to move things forward while he's still trying to figure out how to move forward in life for him and his daughter, move away from being financially dependent on his parents etc

 

So that's the gist of how things got to this point, and I'm sympathetic to that (more so when I have to explain it as it causes me to think about it from his perspective).

 

One of the reasons we didn't meet earlier was what was written above, and I think a large part of it was that we both were anxious about taking things to the next level (i.e. things work so well between us, it'd be really hard if we moved forward and lost what we've had because things didn't work out)

 

I know that seems unfeasible to some people objectively, but between us it hasn't really caused us any issues as we were both happy to be patient. It's just been now that we're seriously planning to meet, I can tell he feels like he can’t provide, and thus more sensitive to perceived criticism as a result - hence the basis for our arguments recently

 

Most of this stuff doesn't bother me, and we anticipate things will be easier once his parents finally split and he gets his daughter into preschool in the next few months