glitterfingers Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 So, I'm a little hesitant to post about this but I'm rather distressed and need some perspective on what the right way to move forward is. Been with my boyfriend (long distance) since the start of this year. We were friends first for a while, so have had a very close relationship for nearly 18 months and simply transitioned into being open about our feelings with one another. We haven't had much in the way of -real- issues, except for occasional miscommunications since a lot of our conversations are had via messages. Previously we've had a few heated moments and agreed to simply talk it out on the phone when we can, as we've never had a verbal argument once we hear the intonation and get a chance to fully explain ourselves. We are extremely (I'd dare say unusually) compatible in that way - I've never had that with someone else and neither has he. However, recently he has been pushing the fights a bit through messages and takes a lot of convincing to get on the phone when he gets upset. So a couple of weeks ago, I sent him some heartfelt messages which triggered him to feel upset and he started getting really emotional because he misconstrued some of what I said as me making a complaint. I told him he meant too much to me to have an argument, and after about maybe 45 mins of back and forth messaging he finally agreed to talk on the phone and we resolved things pretty quickly. It was definitely a conversation that needed to be had, but we moved on from it just fine. I'm not sure, but I think the reason he didn't want to talk immediately was because he might have been crying or on the verge of it. Two nights ago, we were having a conversation about an upcoming trip I was booking to see him. A few things were said which he misconstrued, and once I realised we were having a fight, I stopped engaging in the argument and used only calm words to convey that we needed to hear each other out on the phone. It took me nearly 2 hours to get him on the phone, he refused to answer 2 of my calls and sent me a lot of sarcastic messages as he felt that my calm tone was condescending. As soon as we got to verbally talking though, he's happy and loving again and we are right back to being in that place of understanding. Problem is, during his texting tirade, he basically told me to book my trip elsewhere because I cause him too much stress, I'm aloof/act high and mighty, that "we don't even live together and we're fraught with problems" (later conceded that our only issue is communication occasionally), and that he wasn't submissive enough to match with my personality (I think he was referring to what he thought was my condescending tone). While he was messaging me this, I clarified if he was suggesting we end things and if he was serious or just angry, and he responded he was pretty serious. As predicted though, once we got on the phone that anger was gone almost immediately and we resolved things quickly He recognises now that I was simply trying to de-escalate and had limited options to do that other than to be calm and push for a phone call. He told me he knows he has a lot to learn from me about how to handle arguments, that he knows what he said was nasty and that he wouldn't be too surprised if I'd wanted to walk away, knew he wasn't off the hook for that behaviour. He kept talking about the future and how much I mean to him and how he didn't have a good experience in his last serious relationship etc. Next day, he went to the beach he wants me to stay at and took pics and sent them to me. I didn't respond and haven't spoken to him in two days because honestly...I'm really devastated. Also busy (at uni 7 days a week currently, 8-6) so he is giving me space. But mostly I'm just devastated. I've come to two conclusions based on the fact that he was so loving and happy once we finally got on the phone (which took a lot of convincing from me). 1) He wasn't serious and prepared to follow through with that subtle break up suggestion, and only said it to hurt me or because he was feeling insecure (he often tells me he doesn't feel good enough for me, so I can see how frustration and assuming I'm condescending to him could lead to this) 2) He isn't as serious about me as he says he is, and would be prepared to break up over a stupid argument without giving us a chance to talk I feel like the argument was avoidable and largely his fault for getting to that point. His emotional regulation isn't the best sometimes, but he just kept pushing and not wanting to reason because he didn't like the tone of my messages and was convinced I'd said some offensive things. Although he's promised to suspend judgement and not do this again, I feel quite insecure with how he handled this I don't want to leave him, honestly, as I can see this was a mistake on his part and he acknowledges that completely. But at the same time, I need to ensure that this doesn't happen again, because I can't handle that kind of fragility and it's taking a heavy emotional toll on me What should I do? He knows what he's done wrong, so addressing it again seems like it'd only cause more damage. I'm at the point where I'm ready to call off my trip and just see what happens in our relationship, but the problem is I have an intense study load and may not get to see him for 5 mths if I don't book that trip, and that decision will hurt him a lot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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