Toast123 Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 I have been with my now ex boyfriend for over five years. We are high school sweethearts. We have had our ups and downs but I know he loved me with all his heart. I have not been good to him the last two years. For a long time I would lie to him, for no real reason other than being selfish or being afraid of disappointing him. When we were on break, I slept with someone else. I was just looking for attention from someone else. He asked me when we got back together if I had done anything with anyone. I lied and said no because we lost our virginity together. I thought he would never want to stay with me if he knew. That was the biggest mistake of my life. In may, we moved to California together because he got a very good chemical engineering internship at a prestigious lab. Neither of us had ever left home before. We drove for 9 days to get there. We stopped at national parks and it was amazing. He set up our tent and took such good care of me. We didn't bicker the whole time. I broke down in tears once in the bathroom with him but that was just out of frustration from the lack of privacy on the trip. We got along perfectly the whole way to California. We moved in together and I sent inappropriate pictures (not naked, just sexual in nature) to the guy I slept with while we were on break. I have no idea while I did it. I was horny and feeling insecure. I feel so guilty about it. I continued to feel guilty but never told him about it. Again, because I didn't want to lose him. I wanted to forget my mistake and just do better going forth. I cut off all contact with the other guy. I learned from my mistake and wasn't even tempted to do it again. But I forgot to delete a photo in which I wrote his name on the shower. My boyfriend saw it and asked me about it. I lied again. While he was at work, he searched the other guy on Facebook and saw a photo of me with him from around the time that we broke up. When I picked him up from work, he asked what happened with him and I told him everything. He told me that he was going to kick me out of California and that we were done. When it came down to it, he never kicked me out. I begged to stay and he wanted me to stay. So I did. But he did break up with me. He agreed to go to couples counseling but said that all it did was make him realize that he can't be with me. While I stayed in California he went out drinking with his friends from the lab every weekend and some weeknights. It was his way of coping. He left me at our house and just went out to do whatever he wanted. I wouldn't feel so hurt by this if he didn't continue treating me like we were dating. He took me to dinner and watched movies with me. We even continued to have sex, some of the most intimate sex of our relationship. One day he came home from work and said I should leave. We were supposed to drive home together in about two weeks. I didn't beg to stay this time. I didn't want to leave but I thought if I left he would miss me and maybe our relationship could come back together. I told him that I was going to leave and then he admitted to me that he performed oral sex on a girl he met while he was out with his friends and made plans to see her again on the drive home. He admitted it to me because he didn't want to hide anything in case we had a shot at a future. I was crushed but still wanted to try. When I was searching for plane tickets he flipped a switch and told me he didn't want me to go. I said "you need to figure out if you want this relationship or not. I want it. I will fight for it. But you have to decide" he then said with tears in his eyes, "I think I do". So I stayed. We hung out and drove home together. I thought things between us were improving. We got along and laughed the way we did on the trip out. My mind was reeling, wondering if he still wanted to be with me or not. Eventually I broke down and asked. He told me that he didn't fee differently. He said he doesn't think it's right to stay with me. He said I pushed him too far from me. That he didn't have the desire to hold my hand or kiss me anymore. I broke down serveral times in gas stations for the rest of the drive home. Vomiting from crying so much. We get home and we see his family as if everything is normal. He invites me to hangout and spend time with them. He says he doesn't know what he wants. So I am committed to staying in this limbo, waiting on him to make up his mind. We both went out of town this weekend to visit our grandparents. He came to say goodbye to me. Then the next day he said he didn't want to talk to him. I haven't heard from him all day. I know I have made terrible terrible mistakes. I have taken full responsibility for them and have dedicated to changing and doing my part to make this work. I know I have changed my ways. I have been going to therapy to figure out my issue with lying and this has been such a wake up call. This has been such a wake up call. If things don't work out with him I know I will be better in my next relationship. I don't want to lose him. This limbo stage is absolutely killing me. It has been about 1 and a half months of this. It tears me apart. I don't know what to do. I feel he will leave me when we return home. But if he doesn't, I don't know how I should handle this. I feel like allowing him to treat me this way, with one foot in and one foot out, is unfair and it's not helping our future together. I feel like I am allowing him to string me along but I just don't want to give up yet. I'm committed to making this work and I have changed my ways. But I am so hurt. I want to call him and tell him how much I miss and love him. He knows how I feel. I pour my heart out to him regularly and sometimes embarrassingly. Please help me. I know this breakup is my fault and it could be too late. I just keep holding out hope. I want him to miss me. I thought he would miss me this weekend, being apart from me for this first time in months. But he obviously doesn't miss me because he doesn't want to talk to me. Any comfort or advice would help Link to comment
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