He doesn't know what he wants, how long do I wait?

[Toast123]

I have been with my now ex boyfriend for over five years. We are high school sweethearts. We have had our ups and downs but I know he loved me with all his heart. I have not been good to him the last two years. For a long time I would lie to him, for no real reason other than being selfish or being afraid of disappointing him. When we were on break, I slept with someone else. I was just looking for attention from someone else. He asked me when we got back together if I had done anything with anyone. I lied and said no because we lost our virginity together. I thought he would never want to stay with me if he knew. That was the biggest mistake of my life.

 

In may, we moved to California together because he got a very good chemical engineering internship at a prestigious lab. Neither of us had ever left home before. We drove for 9 days to get there. We stopped at national parks and it was amazing. He set up our tent and took such good care of me. We didn't bicker the whole time. I broke down in tears once in the bathroom with him but that was just out of frustration from the lack of privacy on the trip. We got along perfectly the whole way to California.

 

We moved in together and I sent inappropriate pictures (not naked, just sexual in nature) to the guy I slept with while we were on break. I have no idea while I did it. I was horny and feeling insecure. I feel so guilty about it. I continued to feel guilty but never told him about it. Again, because I didn't want to lose him. I wanted to forget my mistake and just do better going forth. I cut off all contact with the other guy. I learned from my mistake and wasn't even tempted to do it again. But I forgot to delete a photo in which I wrote his name on the shower. My boyfriend saw it and asked me about it. I lied again.

 

While he was at work, he searched the other guy on Facebook and saw a photo of me with him from around the time that we broke up. When I picked him up from work, he asked what happened with him and I told him everything. He told me that he was going to kick me out of California and that we were done.

 

When it came down to it, he never kicked me out. I begged to stay and he wanted me to stay. So I did. But he did break up with me. He agreed to go to couples counseling but said that all it did was make him realize that he can't be with me. While I stayed in California he went out drinking with his friends from the lab every weekend and some weeknights. It was his way of coping. He left me at our house and just went out to do whatever he wanted. I wouldn't feel so hurt by this if he didn't continue treating me like we were dating. He took me to dinner and watched movies with me. We even continued to have sex, some of the most intimate sex of our relationship.

 

One day he came home from work and said I should leave. We were supposed to drive home together in about two weeks. I didn't beg to stay this time. I didn't want to leave but I thought if I left he would miss me and maybe our relationship could come back together. I told him that I was going to leave and then he admitted to me that he performed oral sex on a girl he met while he was out with his friends and made plans to see her again on the drive home. He admitted it to me because he didn't want to hide anything in case we had a shot at a future. I was crushed but still wanted to try. When I was searching for plane tickets he flipped a switch and told me he didn't want me to go. I said "you need to figure out if you want this relationship or not. I want it. I will fight for it. But you have to decide" he then said with tears in his eyes, "I think I do".

 

So I stayed. We hung out and drove home together. I thought things between us were improving. We got along and laughed the way we did on the trip out. My mind was reeling, wondering if he still wanted to be with me or not. Eventually I broke down and asked. He told me that he didn't fee differently. He said he doesn't think it's right to stay with me. He said I pushed him too far from me. That he didn't have the desire to hold my hand or kiss me anymore. I broke down serveral times in gas stations for the rest of the drive home. Vomiting from crying so much.

 

We get home and we see his family as if everything is normal. He invites me to hangout and spend time with them. He says he doesn't know what he wants. So I am committed to staying in this limbo, waiting on him to make up his mind. We both went out of town this weekend to visit our grandparents. He came to say goodbye to me. Then the next day he said he didn't want to talk to him. I haven't heard from him all day.

 

I know I have made terrible terrible mistakes. I have taken full responsibility for them and have dedicated to changing and doing my part to make this work. I know I have changed my ways. I have been going to therapy to figure out my issue with lying and this has been such a wake up call. This has been such a wake up call. If things don't work out with him I know I will be better in my next relationship. I don't want to lose him.

 

This limbo stage is absolutely killing me. It has been about 1 and a half months of this. It tears me apart. I don't know what to do. I feel he will leave me when we return home. But if he doesn't, I don't know how I should handle this. I feel like allowing him to treat me this way, with one foot in and one foot out, is unfair and it's not helping our future together. I feel like I am allowing him to string me along but I just don't want to give up yet. I'm committed to making this work and I have changed my ways. But I am so hurt. I want to call him and tell him how much I miss and love him. He knows how I feel. I pour my heart out to him regularly and sometimes embarrassingly.

 

Please help me. I know this breakup is my fault and it could be too late. I just keep holding out hope. I want him to miss me. I thought he would miss me this weekend, being apart from me for this first time in months. But he obviously doesn't miss me because he doesn't want to talk to me.

 

Any comfort or advice would help

[MissCanuck]

OP, you first have to understand that one single weekend won't be enough to miss you the way you're hoping. It would take much longer than that, so don't stress about him not missing you this weekend.

 

Yes, he is very confused. He is trying to reconcile the girlfriend he thought you were (loyal, honest) with the girlfriend you have become (deceitful, sexting another guy) That is not easy, and I speak from experience. When you discover someone you love has betrayed you, it changes how you look at them. You have days when you feel you can look past it, and other days when you want them out of your life. Now, I don't think that you sleeping with someone else while you were broken up is the issue. That really wasn't any of his business anyway. The bigger problem is the emotional cheating with the same guy after you reconciled. That's a real kick in the teeth, as you now know. You say you're hurting - imagine how he felt.

 

A few questions: what sorts of things did you lie about before, over these last two years? And does he know you lied a lot? I am trying to establish how this all looks from his angle. Do you know if he's still talking to and planning to see the girl he hooked up with?

 

He seems as though he is leaning toward a breakup. It hurts to consider, but I think you are probably going to find that it's better to go your separate ways, for a few reasons. There is a lot of damage done here, including a serious breach of trust. That is incredibly hard to overcome, despite someone's desire to. I guarantee he will not trust you and the dynamic between you two will change a lot (It already has, as evidenced by him not wanting to kiss you or really touch you) You have to also ask yourself if you are freaking out because you love him or because you love the comfort of having a relationship and are afraid of losing thst; your emotional cheating with this other guy strongly suggest you're just not as into your boyfriend as you think. You are both also very young and likely have had little dating experience apart from each other. This is why young loves usually do come to an end at some point. One or both parties grows up and wants to explore.

 

As for this limbo, well, I don't think you two should be spending this much time together right now. He has recently indicated he doesn't think it's right to stay together anymore. He is also likely having trouble letting go of the idea of you being in his life (hence the invite to see his family) but it sounds to me like he's getting ready to walk. I would let it be for a few more days and then ask to talk. Waiting in limbo is useless if communication is shut down and you're not working together to make it right. If he doesn't want to do that, then you have your answer, I believe.

[Batya33]

He is in limbo because that is how he is reacting to your choices - to me it is an understandable reaction. You can only control your choices right now. You don't have to be in limbo. I would tell him that you completely understand why he is feeling this way and that you also don't think that sticking around is helping at all so you will give him space and if he would like to work on the relationship with the mindset that he believes he can forgive and move on then he knows where to find you. It's impressive what you're doing to make changes and unfortunately that doesn't mean he has to forgive or be with you. But hopefully it will help you to make better choices in the future. Best of luck.

[Toast123]

OP, you first have to understand that one single weekend won't be enough to miss you the way you're hoping. It would take much longer than that, so don't stress about him not missing you this weekend.

 

Yes, he is very confused. He is trying to reconcile the girlfriend he thought you were (loyal, honest) with the girlfriend you have become (deceitful, sexting another guy) That is not easy, and I speak from experience. When you discover someone you love has betrayed you, it changes how you look at them. You have days when you feel you can look past it, and other days when you want them out of your life. Now, I don't think that you sleeping with someone else while you were broken up is the issue. That really wasn't any of his business anyway. The bigger problem is the emotional cheating with the same guy after you reconciled. That's a real kick in the teeth, as you now know. You say you're hurting - imagine how he felt.

 

A few questions: what sorts of things did you lie about before, over these last two years? And does he know you lied a lot? I am trying to establish how this all looks from his angle. Do you know if he's still talking to and planning to see the girl he hooked up with?

 

He seems as though he is leaning toward a breakup. It hurts to consider, but I think you are probably going to find that it's better to go your separate ways, for a few reasons. There is a lot of damage done here, including a serious breach of trust. That is incredibly hard to overcome, despite someone's desire to. I guarantee he will not trust you and the dynamic between you two will change a lot (It already has, as evidenced by him not wanting to kiss you or really touch you) You have to also ask yourself if you are freaking out because you love him or because you love the comfort of having a relationship and are afraid of losing thst; your emotional cheating with this other guy strongly suggest you're just not as into your boyfriend as you think. You are both also very young and likely have had little dating experience apart from each other. This is why young loves usually do come to an end at some point. One or both parties grows up and wants to explore.

 

As for this limbo, well, I don't think you two should be spending this much time together right now. He has recently indicated he doesn't think it's right to stay together anymore. He is also likely having trouble letting go of the idea of you being in his life (hence the invite to see his family) but it sounds to me like he's getting ready to walk. I would let it be for a few more days and then ask to talk. Waiting in limbo is useless if communication is shut down and you're not working together to make it right. If he doesn't want to do that, then you have your answer, I believe.

 

He knows I had been lying. It was a huge problem in our relationship. I lied about job interviews or stupid things like that. He stuck around because he hoped I would fix it. He put in so much effort. And I just didn't. I don't know who I was during those times. I am feeling like I can't believe what I did. It's like I woke up from a terrible dream. I know I can be an amazing girlfriend to him. I just want my life to go back to normal. We had plans to get married and move to wherever he transferred schools. He cared about me so much and this 180 flip is killing me. He knows how much I am hurting and he doesn't comfort me anymore. I haven't heard from him and we are both coming home today. I am so afraid he is going to leave me when I get home. I feel like I am dying inside. It is so hard when someone just can't love you anymore. Especially when it's my own fault. I feel pathetic. I hate that he is so cold towards me. I keep thinking that he will miss me and he just doesn't.

 

Does anyone think there is hope for this? I keep hanging on to every little sign of hope and then I just get crushed

[Toast123]

I am afraid no one will love me like he does. And I am afraid I will never love like this again. I know that's is stupid but I can't get it out of my head. I just want to be with him. I don't want to love someone else

[MissCanuck]

He knows I had been lying. It was a huge problem in our relationship. I lied about job interviews or stupid things like that. He stuck around because he hoped I would fix it. He put in so much effort. And I just didn't. I don't know who I was during those times. I am feeling like I can't believe what I did. It's like I woke up from a terrible dream. I know I can be an amazing girlfriend to him. I just want my life to go back to normal. We had plans to get married and move to wherever he transferred schools. He cared about me so much and this 180 flip is killing me. He knows how much I am hurting and he doesn't comfort me anymore. I haven't heard from him and we are both coming home today. I am so afraid he is going to leave me when I get home. I feel like I am dying inside. It is so hard when someone just can't love you anymore. Especially when it's my own fault. I feel pathetic. I hate that he is so cold towards me. I keep thinking that he will miss me and he just doesn't.

 

Does anyone think there is hope for this? I keep hanging on to every little sign of hope and then I just get crushed

 

Girl, you can't be serious with that? You hurt him. You don't get to turn around and expect comfort from him when it's you who dropped the bomb on his feelings and the relationship.

 

Whether there is hope, I really don't know. He already gave you plenty of chances to stop with the lies, and this most recent deception is a big one. For many, yes, it would be a deal-breaker. I know you say you can be an amazing girlfriend now, but it should not have taken all of this to wake you up. In a good relationship, wake-up calls like this aren't necessary because both parties are behaving honorably. That's the crux of the problem here.

 

And no, he likely doesn't exactly miss you right now, if I'm being honest. He likely misses who he thought you were, but not the person you have become. That's how I felt when I found out my ex had been unfaithful, anyway. Each time I started to miss him, the reality of what he had done came crashing back and spoiled the fond memories. I am guessing this is what your guy is feeling right now.

 

At the end of the day, this isn't under your control anymore. You can walk away, of course, but reconciliation would have to come from him. And don't stress about nobody loving you like he does - that's your fear and lack of experience speaking. You are very young and believe me when I tell you, there would be plenty of other opportunities for love. I know you don't want to hear that, but you cannot operate under the assumption that this first love was your one and only shot. It won't be. If you two don't get back together, use this as a life lesson so you don't repeat the same mistakes next time.