socialsausage Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 Hi all Absolutely desperate for some advice now. To cut a long story short, I was in a relationship for 7 months with a girl who devoted herself to me entirely and after about four months in, she told me that she loved me. We worked together and she wholeheartedly dedicated herself to me; telling me how much she loved me and that she couldn't bare not spending time with me (at the start, we were in eachothers pockets because we would see eacohother at work and also after... for me, it was too intense but I went along with it) She said I didn't have to say it back and as I was particularly unwell at the time (spine injury) I was quite a miserable sod and didn't. Eventually I did, about a month or so later but I'd started to distance myself from her (she didn't really have any friends) and I encouraged her to meet and reconnect with people. Our was relationship was brilliant at first; great sex, great laughs and we were always doing something together. As I tried to distance myself more she became very clingy and pushy. I would almost disregard her feelings and sometimes, her sobs. She's younger than me (I'm 34 she's 19) and put it down to her being a very emotional character anyway (she is, but I was wrong, despite her age she was far more mature than I ever was in this relationship). Before she went on holiday, we had a sit down talk. I broke up with her at work but two days later reconnected with her and we decided to sort things out once and for all. We decided our relationship was too intense working and seeing eachother after work and that she'd move to another branch after holiday. Anyway fast forward to three weeks ago and she returned form holiday with her new friends. During that time, I barely contacted her and coupled with the fact I crapped my pants about committing myself to her (telling her I love her, show her affection etc) she broke up with me, over text, before she flew home. Her language was angry and I tried to play it down and tell her we'll talk or call it a day when she came back. Everything she said in those texts were correct though, but I didn't interpret that at the time... I wish I had. Anyway, after about a week of avoiding eachother she told me she missed me and wanted to talk to me and see if we could work things out. I totally rejected the idea, annoyed still at the way she spoke to me and literally walked out after saying that. She questioned me as to why I wouldn't fight for her and I just said I had no fight left. She waited a further two weeks before beginning to chat to someone who was interested in her. I didn't know this though and although I said I didn't want to talk and sort things out, I desperately wanted to but was still angry. After work last Friday we had a goodbye drink for a colleague and little to my knowledge, I came face to face with her new love interest. She made it patently obvious to me about it and left with him. I didn't think much more of it until the drive home... I was jealous and absolutely furious (with myself). I text her when I got home about a 'closure' chat. She agreed and I asked if she was busy this weekend. She said she was so I said I'd wait. The truth is, I didn't want closure, I wanted her back! I was using that term to mask my true intentions and was confident that she'd agree to speak to me irrespective (big mistake). The following day I text again and asked her if she wanted to talk as i got the impression she didn't. She said she did and had wanted to for ages. Still, she said she was too busy but might do so Sunday. Sunday came around and I text again. She said we'd talk but not Sunday. By this time, I was going out of my mind, just driving around hoping for some sort of sign that she wanted me back but kept it together and said ok. I went and bought a card and wrote down everything she wanted from me but I'd been to scared to offer her commitment-wise - my unconditional love. I wrote everything down... memories, aspirations, apologies... I covered the lot. That'll nail it I thought in my arrogance. Monday came around and I called her into my office and gave her the card. She read it and looked upset and said she didn't know whether she wanted to keep it. I gave her an invite to a wedding that we'd had and said is it possible to imagine us there together if we could work things out. She declined. I was stunned. I said I'd fight for her, she said don't bother, it's done. I went into panic mode and for next four hours, she was in tears as I told her how much I'd loved her, needed her and was sorry for my neglect and lack of commitment. I asked if it was possible for us to take things slow and work things out and she said she can't and won't be in a relationship with me at this moment in time. She cried a lot - asking me why I didn't tell her sooner. I apologised over and over and pleaded for another chance to right my wrongs. She refused me that opportunity, saying she is too messed up in the head right now. I now understand why as I tormented the girl with my lack of commitment to her. I turned to my dad - he'd previously told me I wasn't treating her right and I asked his opinion. He said there's no way that girl doesn't still love you and I needed to graft and prove it to her. The last week has consisted of me leaving heartfelt notes in her desk of drawers and chasing her around work and trying to sort things out with her. She admitted that if I didn't use the word 'closure' in my text that Friday and said I'd wanted to sort things out she'd have met me and we'd have talked. Instead, she felt rejected (again) and ended up sleeping with the new guy. She said she would never have even talked to him if I'd just spoken to her over the past three weeks - but I didn't. She said she felt she betrayed me by sleeping with him and felt so confused as she would never have pursued this but felt lonely, rejected and empty. Worse still, she said the new guy calls her beautiful and he's done nothing to upset her whereas I had. I pleaded with her once again to let me prove to her I'd give her everything and she was sceptical. She'd thought I'd repeat the same mistakes and she didn't want to run that risk at this moment in time. (For the record, I know who the new guy is - he's very loud, obnoxious... just not very nice - that's not me being bitter either). It's been very hard this week and knowing that she was staying overnight at his after work every night was churning me up inside. I've barely slept or eaten and I've never been in this state before. For the first time in years, I'm truly broken-hearted. For the first time in years, I cried all evening last night. Anyway despite all this we agreed to meet today and talk. Today was her last day at work (she's moved to another branch in my hometown - as planned). She was aggressive from the start and said she can't and won't be in a relationship with me right now as I'd hurt her too much (I didn't see this at the time, I just tried to cool things a bit as she wanted to see me all the time and that kind of commitment terrified me). She also said it wouldn't be fair on the new guy as well and said she we should both live our lives, heal, improve and said we'd talk again in the future and that maybe in a month, two months time depending on where we're both at we'll go out and start to see eachother again. I made it patently obvious that I was sincerely sorry and reaffirmed that I'd never take her for granted again - and my god I wouldn't. I've replayed a thousand scenarios over and over in my head and I was, although generally a decent boyfriend to her, didn't pay enough attention to her through my actions. I didn't mean too - I was scared of committing myself after a terrible relationship previously (previous girl didn't give me the love, affection or time I deserved... the irony). I told her I didn't know how to approach this situation about reconnecting with her in he future. She said she's not far away and she would definitely consider meeting in a month or so if her head is in order (she's just 15 mins drive from me) and that she's not with the new guy. She also said she was glad I'd learned from my mistakes and that whilst she was not over me, she was trying to get over me as she'd spent 2 weeks crying and waiting for me to get back together with her and that she was tired of waiting. Additionally, she said she felt totally dependent and couldn't bare to not be with me and she needed to get rid of that feeling (and the resentment) before we possibly revisit 'us' in the future. She said no one can take away the memories we have and that I'll always be in her heart. She also cried and said she still loved me but if she got back with me now, all those feelings that I had created in her would return and she couldn't handle that. I agreed I'd spend some time working on myself and improving 'me' and well touch base at some point in the near future. We parted both in tears. After letting go of her hand, I felt terrible. She walked away, head down and I drove away, wiping away tears at the traffic lights wishing I could turn back time. This girl devoted herself to me and the bottom line is, I messed it up. I couldn't give her the confirmation of my true feelings until it was too late (by hours) and I'm so upset I can't do anything to change that. I've prayed, pleaded and begged and none of it has worked and knowing that I'm at fault for this situation, I'm devastated. I'd never been given that level of love and affection from anyone and I neglected her when she needed me most. I got home, broken hearted. I spoke with my dad, and he thinks she'll be back due to her how she'll remember me and how much she loved me previously. I sincerely hope so... I just wanted people's thoughts on this. Going on this rather lengthy post, is anyone else experiencing a similar situation to me and how did they handle it? Is she in a rebound? I suspected it might be due to her reasoning (he tells me what you didn't/I was lonely/felt rejected) and he showed her some attention. He's 27 btw. I love her so much and I'd like to get her back but I know I have to let her go, rebuild her trust and take it slowly. And, like she said, there's no guarantees about anything but there may be a chance for us in the future ... but I do still want to prove that I do truly love her - not that I deserve another chance but I'll repay her faith in me 100 times over if given the chance. Any advice or opinions from anyone else would be greatly appreciated... what do I do now? What's the game plan? I'll never take her or anyone else for granted again... lesson learned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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