How to deal with a moody boyfriend?

[confused2122]

I've been with my boyfriend for 1-2 years, and in many ways, he's absolutely great. However, the moodiness has become more and more frequent throughout the relationship and often it'll come on for no reason at all. Last week he got stupidly drunk on a night out and hadn't contacted me for a day beforehand, I ended up getting hold of him after his friend contacted me concerned and he'd got out of a taxi 15 miles away and was vomiting/unable to properly communicate. I ended up sorting him out and the next day he was apologetic over text but when I went to see him, he found it funny. I asked him to keep in contact with me next time, and for him to try not get into that state again as it concerns me. He then snapped at me accusing me of getting drunk on nights out so it's "rich" coming from me and then went in a mood for the rest of the night. I only see him once a week so I tried over the space of 5 hours to get him to talk to me but he lay there and refused to speak to me and went to sleep. The next morning, he was very apologetic. He's going through a really stressful time at the moment but it's happened pretty consistently over the past few months, and I've just got back from another night where exactly the same thing has happened and he told me that it was my fault that he was in a mood and refused to speak to me even though I hadn't done anything wrong. I had just got a place to do a PhD yesterday so I was over the moon, only to turn up at his house and for him to be in a mood with me; so I now just feel depressed. Don't get me wrong, he's so lovely most of the time and I'm happy when he's like that. But I just don't know what to do as we're supposed to be renting somewhere together and I don't want to come home everyday to this. Any advice would be really appreciated. He's also nearly 30, so it's not as if I can hope that he'll mature.

[SherrySher]

Could he have a drinking problem? It sounds as though he is using alcohol to self medicate. That's a bad sign..even worse if his personality changes to a monster like this. I would be extremely cautious, there are huge red flags here and it sounds as though he needs some kind of professional help.

[confused2122]

He's going through a stressful time so I think that he may be turning to alcohol due to that, but he also turns to drugs and weed. I'll often come round and he'll be stoned. I've spoke to him about seeking help but all he does is snap and say that he doesn't want to talk about it.

[SherrySher]

Well then the onus is on you to decide for yourself if you are going to stay with a man who is using drugs and alcohol to deal with stress. It does not sound good and it doesn't sound like he is in a good place to be part of a relationship. You know that he is stressed but being irresponsible and you know that he refuses to stop. I would say walk, and walk away fast.

[MissCanuck]

He's going through a stressful time so I think that he may be turning to alcohol due to that, but he also turns to drugs and weed. I'll often come round and he'll be stoned. I've spoke to him about seeking help but all he does is snap and say that he doesn't want to talk about it.

 

And do you want to be with someone that turns to substances to cope, then lashes out at you when you express a concern? Which drugs does he take, and how often? How often and how much is he drinking?

 

And finally, what is causing this stress in his life?

 

It sounds like there a bunch of issues at play here.

[j.man]

"Exactly the same thing happened." Meaning he got sloshed to the point he couldn't be responsible for himself? I mean, I could overlook one-off occasion, but that's an issue if he's started a routine.

 

That said, and having personally had to navigate a very similar issue, the wrong way to express concern is to tell someone to do this and/or to not do that. You're the only one who you can and should control, and it's from your own angle that you express your concern. "I love you, and it's because of that instances like last night worry and stress me too much to be a repeat occurrence." If nothing comes of it, then you gotta do what you gotta do to preserve your own sanity.

[confused2122]

He's got some problems at home as well as some legal problems. I've tried to be very supportive about drugs and encouraged him to seek help, as I know that me telling him what to do will only make him resent me. He smokes weed basically everyday at the moment and every night, but he also takes coke and harder drugs. I can deal with supporting him through issues but recently, he's been sober and not under the influence of anything when he's snapped at me and refused to speak to me. I've been considering ending it but I'm not sure whether it's my place to support him through it?

[MissCanuck]

He's got some problems at home as well as some legal problems. I've tried to be very supportive about drugs and encouraged him to seek help, as I know that me telling him what to do will only make him resent me. He smokes weed basically everyday at the moment and every night, but he also takes coke and harder drugs. I can deal with supporting him through issues but recently, he's been sober and not under the influence of anything when he's snapped at me and refused to speak to me. I've been considering ending it but I'm not sure whether it's my place to support him through it?

 

Depending on what he's taking, you could be looking at some drug-induced mood swings. What are these harder drugs he's on?

 

You need to be very careful that you're not slipping into codependency here, and sacrificing yourself at the expense of supporting someone with substance abuse problems. You cannot help him if he won't help himself, and you do have to look out for yourself as well. Someone who is abusing drugs and alcohol and facing legal problems is not the ideal candidate for a happy relationship, particularly when they're being nasty to you as well.

 

You're about to embark on a PhD. Think carefully about how much this relationship could interfere with you maximizing your academic and career potential. Getting a doctorate is time-consuming and stressful enough all on its own.

[ThatwasThen]

He's got some problems at home as well as some legal problems. I've tried to be very supportive about drugs and encouraged him to seek help, as I know that me telling him what to do will only make him resent me. He smokes weed basically everyday at the moment and every night, but he also takes coke and harder drugs. I can deal with supporting him through issues but recently, he's been sober and not under the influence of anything when he's snapped at me and refused to speak to me. I've been considering ending it but I'm not sure whether it's my place to support him through it?

Its not your place to support him through it. You're not married, he's not suddenly developed his addictions and abusive retaliation to your concerns after marriage... You're a dating couple and he's showing you who he is... it's up to you, as a person of good common sense, self worth and confidence to leave him and tell him to contact you when he's clean and sober and has gotten his temperament under control and if you're still single, you'll meet him for coffee to discuss.

 

It's one thing to support a person in trouble, it is quite another to stay and enable the abuse of you.

 

You can't fix him and he's no where near hitting his rock bottom when he has you bailing him out and as you put it "sorting him out."

 

Love yourself enough to get out now before you feel trapped and have gotten yourself addicted to caretaking him through life.

[nutbrownhare]

Never, ever, ever, think that it's your duty to stay with someone who abuses drugs or alcohol "to support them through it". Unfortunately, the only person who can choose how to deal with stress is him, and any well-intentioned efforts on your part are likely to perpetuate the problem rather than resolve it. There are much healthier ways to deal with stress than self-medicating with street drugs and alcohol, but he's not likely to seek out the better ways unless his own life becomes completely unmanageable - and that's not going to happen while you're "supporting" him.

 

Not only does continued use of weed mean that he's never truly emotionally available to you (e.g. the moodiness and sulky withdrawal whilst blaming you for it), but paranoia is a side effect of coke use. Drinking heavily is already causing him problems, too. Apologising for his behaviour, only to go out soon after for a repeat performance, is also typical alcoholic behaviour; this is not to say that he's an alcoholic, but this condition is progressive and is only likely to get worse.

 

Get out, now, before this guy really ruins your life as well as his own. Take a look at this forum if you'd like an insight into what lies ahead if you stick around with him for the long term: [url="

[confused2122]

Thank you so much for your advice. I feel that I've become so used to it that I didn't realise how abnormal it was. I hadn't mentioned anything to my friends or family as I was scared that they would think badly of him, but after telling them everything they've basically told me to leave even though they thought he was a good guy. I've also noticed recently that I've had the desire to speak to other guys and almost resent my boyfriend for making me unable to do that (which I feel awful about) but I have very strong morals about cheating and I feel that might be a sign that I need to move on.