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Post-Apocalypse healing (7 months later)

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Hi. I posted here some months ago, when I had to break up with my girlfriend who was behaving weird (in order to trigger the break-up). Let's call her J. I was at my worst. For several months, I went completely depressed and I kept having this hope that she'd come back to me somehow and I'd forgive her. Initially I contacted her from time to time, but I didn't beg TOO MUCH. I sought professional help and have been visiting a psychologist who has helped me a lot not just to deal with the break-up but also with other things I'd carried on me since I was very young (I was badly bullied at school and it left emotional injuries). I cried like a psycho. Eventually, I forced myself to do cool stuff. I've travelled a lot since the apocalyptic day, I've met many interesting people and I've lived new experiences. However, there is still a bit of pain in my heart. I don't know if that pain will ever fade away, I believe it will.


She contacted me 2 or 3 months ago, via e-mail of course, as she's too scared to contact me through other means. J said something like: "I don't know what I want to say exactly. Do you think we could ever be friends?". I replied something like: "No, this situation has drained me emotionally and I don't think we could be friends for many years, it is not exactly a friendship what I want to have with you". She never replied. She had to give me back some of my stuff, like my keys, which she had kept for 6 months, my camera charger (which she took with her when she left, I don't know why, and she kept it for 3 months). I sent her an email asking her to stop playing with my feelings and to give me back my stuff: if she emailed me, and I replied back, I was waiting for a response. She simply said: "I just didn't know what to say". Very mature, I see. She eventually returned those two belongings, but she kept the rest of my things that she took with her when she left, like clothes and objects (why would someone do that?).


I have come to know many things about what J's been doing after the break-up. You see, we couldn't have proper sex because of her. I tried everything to make J feel comfortable, turned on, etc. She always said it hurt. I was a bit desperate, I didn't want her to feel like that. Guess what? As soon as she left, she had sex with a boy she'd just met. She's been hanging out, living the time of her life, as she'd told me when we broke up, also via email, she wanted to "explore new paths, find herself, travel, do stuff". She's been going out and drinking, something she hated when she was with me. Haha. I gotta laugh at that. I've been hurting so much! She's moving to another region as well, so hopefully I'll never see her again and I'm happy about that. I don't want to know anything about her, I don't want to be friends or whatever with her. It feels like she's dead. I haven't blocked her on fb or instagram because I don't need to know what she's up to, so I don't search her. I've ran into her several times in the street, I saw her with an older American guy that she wanted to hang out with a lot when we were together. He's like 10 years older than her or more.


I feel much much much better now. I have understood that she's not a very mentally stable woman, and she will be unhappy for a long time, the way she's behaved is not mature at all. Not that I didn't know that when we were together, but I thought she was more stable than I thought. It was a good relationship that ended VEEEERY BADLY. I have known that she keeps coming to my village, she keeps going to the same places that I go, the very same places we used to hike. My family, my friends, everybody loved her and she disappointed them all. Her parents have been messaging me, asking me how I am, how my family is, etc. Her grandparents even sent me a birthday card. I gotta laugh at that too. I wasn't a bad boyfriend, I am not a bad person, she's not a bad person either, but...


I am now dating someone else, let's call her MM. She's been my friend for many years and some weeks ago, we kissed. I felt like a little boy. We want to take it slow and none of our friends know that we're together. MM is completely different to J. More mature, very loyal, I feel somehow "protected" and happier, when I'm with MM. I don't know how this new relationship will be, whether it will end up or what. I don't care, but I have a good feeling about MM. I have learned to be happy with myself and not depend on other people.


After all this suffering, which still kicks in 7 months after the break-up, I must admit that even though I am happy, I still think a lot about J. I have many nightmares, going to bed every night means going to a new nightmare where J appears.


I can tell you, if you're suffering, it will end some day. If you're suffering like I've suffered, it means you did all you could. The other person may not realise what they've lost when they decided to walk away. But you shouldn't care about it. If they don't realise what they lost, why would you be with them again if they don't appreciate what they have/had? My advice is: cry, hit the wall, cry more, don't sleep, sleep, eat, don't eat. But hey. After some weeks, you have to get up, you will find an inner strength that will ask you to stand up and carry on, fight for your own happiness. You have friends, family, pets, that count on and believe in you. I don't know you, but I believe in you. Someone else will appreciate your light and they will want to be with you, and it will be worth it. You might not be able to see it this way yet, but trust me. I've been through it and I have cried, cried, cried a lot (I'm a very sensitive man). It will be better.


Think about it this way: if in 5 years this whole situation won't matter, why worry about it more than 5 minutres today? Haha ;-) I know, easy to say...


Have a nice day. I'm happy to answer your questions if you have any.

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