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Accidentally found out info about ex I wish I hadn't


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I'll try to keep this brief.

 

Ran into the ex on a kik group chat. She doesn't (at least I'm assuming) doesn't know I was in the same group with her, since my profile is somewhat vague, yet hers is clearly her with profile picture and everything.

 

Anyway the chat was of the fetish variety, and regional, so its not totally unlikely that I would have ran into her in that capacity as we were both into the same thing.

 

Originally I had joined the chat just out of curiosity, see whats going on, etc...

 

Then I see that she joins, and is instantly the center of attention, and is immediately setting up a meeting with several of the other people in the chat. This would have been a group meeting of the adult kind for lack of better expression.

 

Point is, she was there, and I was witness to it, purely by chance. I didn't want to see her in that capacity, acting in that way.

 

 

Yet at the same time, we aren't together, she's a free thinking adult, and there are consequences to our actions.

 

My debate now is whether or not to confront her and let her know. I feel like I have this horrible secret and I would rather not hold on to it. Nobody should run into their ex in that capacity.

 

To add insult to injury (or pride, ego, whatever) I had seen her not less than one week prior to all this when she invited me over for a dinner, and basically bawled and confessed how much she missed having me in her life.

 

I guess I'm just hurt more than anything yet also I know that I really don't have any play here. I could have taken screenshots and send it to her, give her a "back to reality" type moment, but what would that accomplish? Push her further away from me? The last few days since seeing her we hadn't talked and I was missing her, thinking about all the good times, even thinking about reconciliation....and then this happens.

 

 

I don't know what to do with this information.

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I'm confused about what the big, horrible secret is, exactly.

 

You say you are both into the same fetish, so I assume that in and of itself was not a secret between you two.

 

Is the secret just that she doesn't know you are part of the same group chat? You say you didn't want to see her acting in that way - but what way would that be? If you knew you two enjoyed the same fetish, I am not sure why her organizing a meet-up with like-minded people comes as such a surprise. Can you clarify?

 

I am also not clear about what you would confront her about, specifically. She is single and is free to bang ice sculptures, if she chooses. I understand it hurts to see an ex moving on, but it's not really your business. I mean, you're part of the same group yourself.

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Right I completely agree. We were both aware we were into it and correct I don't think she knows I was there. I guess its just an odd situation to consider. I don't know if I should have introduced myself in the group chat and said "Oh hey yeah remember me we were in a serious relationship for years but let's also do kinky activity XYZ with these strangers" I guess I'm just acknowledging the ridiculousness of it.

 

You are right, she is free to do what she wants in whatever capacity. I just feel uncomfortable knowing this happened and I am also somewhat concerned about her safety. I know she's been using a lot of drugs lately. That may have nothing to do with it but its something I had been thinking about.

 

I almost want to tell her that its kind of ironic since it's quite literally the same thing I would have wanted to do with her given the right capacity and context and not in some random group chat that I happened to pass by.

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If it's uncomfortable to watch your ex anonymously like a creepy stalker... stop. There are other KIK groups. If you don't want to see her that way DON'T WATCH.

 

It's also horrifically hypocritical of you to judge her for exploring a kink you also have. Like... stop that. It makes you look like a jerk. And whatever you do don't send her a screen shot. Why would you do that? What could that possibly accomplish? Cause her to "come back to reality" where she has a ex who is watching her and judging her?

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Right I completely agree. We were both aware we were into it and correct I don't think she knows I was there. I guess its just an odd situation to consider. I don't know if I should have introduced myself in the group chat and said "Oh hey yeah remember me we were in a serious relationship for years but let's also do kinky activity XYZ with these strangers" I guess I'm just acknowledging the ridiculousness of it.

 

You are right, she is free to do what she wants in whatever capacity. I just feel uncomfortable knowing this happened and I am also somewhat concerned about her safety. I know she's been using a lot of drugs lately. That may have nothing to do with it but its something I had been thinking about.

 

I almost want to tell her that its kind of ironic since it's quite literally the same thing I would have wanted to do with her given the right capacity and context and not in some random group chat that I happened to pass by.

 

Forgive me if I missed something, but all I am really getting from your posts is that you feel jealous she's doing these things with other people and not with you. Is that accurate? I can understand, it stings. You're not her boyfriend anymore, though, and she has just as much right as you do to participate in these chats and activities.

 

But I see nothing to confront her about, given that you're broken up, and nothing that's a secret, really. I can't fathom why you considered sending her a screenshot - she doesn't owe you any explanation, and it's plain creepy. Don't go there. Find a different group so you don't have a court-side seat to her dalliances instead.

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Right, I'm trying to avoid all that. Like I mentioned this was really a "wrong place at the right time" type situation. I hadn't been in the chat long, and didn't plan to stay, but then I see her and what happened...and it was just a bit surreal. I don't know if I'm being a creepy stalker, I just happened to see what I saw at the time. It was a whirlwind of activity in a short time span.

 

I don't plan on confronting her in the sense of "Why are you doing this to me and you are a horrible person because of it". That wouldn't make sense. As stated we have the same kink so its not like this is an inherently "bad" thing. Its just odd how it played out. I'm certainly not one to judge her for it either. When I look at what she tells me in person (I miss you and having you in my life as she's crying in my lap) versus the actions I see outside of that, I have to put two and two together and take the information at hand to evaluate my next move.

 

I'm merely noticing the strangeness of all this and that I don't know what my next move should be. For now I'm doing nothing. If I do talk to her, I might just tell her that we need to have less communication. I'm too emotionally attached to the situation as of right now. Look we are adults here, she can do what she wants, that doesn't mean there aren't reactions. It was a mistake I wish I hadn't seen at the end of the day.

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So you're having trouble reconciling the woman who cries and misses you, with the woman organizing group sexual activities. Maybe that's the real issue at hand here. Were you surprised that she's having sex with others already?

 

Maybe for context, could you tell us how long you were together, and why/when you broke up?

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All that happened is that you are both into the same thing and your paths crossed.....rather predictably I might add. There is nothing to be shocked about or confront her with.

 

As for her telling you she misses you, no doubt that's true. Yet, the two of you are broken up, she is your ex and so she is doing what she should be doing - moving on or at least doing her best to do so. Just because you miss someone doesn't mean that you don't try to move forward.

 

I think if you are very honest with yourself, what stung the most is seeing how she was easily desirable and how easily capable of getting interest. Except that it's really a good for her type situation.

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So you're having trouble reconciling the woman who cries and misses you, with the woman organizing group sexual activities. Maybe that's the real issue at hand here. Were you surprised that she's having sex with others already?

 

Maybe for context, could you tell us how long you were together, and why/when you broke up?

 

Surprised, no. I sort of knew she was involved with a poly couple. We dated for 2 years, and then off an on for a year. We had been back and forth these last few weeks with waning interest from both parties, but we would still talk and get together now and then. We were just trying to be comfortable being friends. We broke up initially because we wanted different things.

 

As I mentioned yes in the right capacity and context this would have been an activity I would have wanted to do with her. So yeah as her former love interest there's absolutely some jealousy involved. I feel that's only natural. On the flip side sure we were in a kink chat and probably at the end of the day looking for the same "end result". She just happend to go about it in a way that I wasn't expecting to see.

 

This is all akin to the car accident on the side of the road. You don't wanna look, but you do anyway. I suppose at the end of the day this is a result of the world we live in. If I didn't run into her on a mobile app (which specifically makes it easier to organize these types of things), it would have been in some other way or some other medium.

 

 

All that happened is that you are both into the same thing and your paths crossed.....rather predictably I might add. There is nothing to be shocked about or confront her with.

 

As for her telling you she misses you, no doubt that's true. Yet, the two of you are broken up, she is your ex and so she is doing what she should be doing - moving on or at least doing her best to do so. Just because you miss someone doesn't mean that you don't try to move forward.

 

I think if you are very honest with yourself, what stung the most is seeing how she was easily desirable and how easily capable of getting interest. Except that it's really a good for her type situation.

 

I suppose she gets to have her cake and eat it too? I don't know I'm kind of throwing my hands in the air with this situation. Sure, I guess for her its a nice situation. Knowing she had an opportunity to cry in her ex's lap and then the next weekend organize a gang bang. I suppose it is what it is. Again, this is just a weird thing to comprehend.

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I suppose she gets to have her cake and eat it too? I don't know I'm kind of throwing my hands in the air with this situation. Sure, I guess for her its a nice situation. Knowing she had an opportunity to cry in her ex's lap and then the next weekend organize a gang bang. I suppose it is what it is. Again, this is just a weird thing to comprehend

 

For me, the problem with this line of thinking is: What were you planning on doing in this group chat? Had she not been a factor, is it safe to assume you might have also got involved in some group sex yourself?

 

I don't think it's entirely fair to accuse her of having her cake and eating it too, when you were also evidently exploring the same thing.

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Perhaps cake isn't the right analogy. My bad on that. I guess the only difference was I wasn't running to her to tell her how much I missed her and was wanting her in my life with tears in my eyes. We had decided to split, so at that point we are free to pursue our own interests. She voluntarily asked me to see her so that she could tell me these things. I feel like that implies there's some emotion there. So to use that emotion on one hand and then do this feels like a contradictory thing I suppose. I don't know, maybe I'm not approaching this (whatever this is) correctly.

 

Sure, I was exploring that group, but had little to no traction and was about to leave. It's not like I was trying with all my might. It was a casual fly by. As I mentioned, seeing her when I did was just happenstance and was shocking at the time. As someone who was in a relationship with her, I viewed the situation with different eyes than just Joe Averageguy.

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Perhaps cake isn't the right analogy. My bad on that. I guess the only difference was I wasn't running to her to tell her how much I missed her and was wanting her in my life with tears in my eyes. We had decided to split, so at that point we are free to pursue our own interests. She voluntarily asked me to see her so that she could tell me these things. I feel like that implies there's some emotion there. So to use that emotion on one hand and then do this feels like a contradictory thing I suppose. I don't know, maybe I'm not approaching this (whatever this is) correctly.

 

Sure, I was exploring that group, but had little to no traction and was about to leave. It's not like I was trying with all my might. It was a casual fly by. As I mentioned, seeing her when I did was just happenstance and was shocking at the time. As someone who was in a relationship with her, I viewed the situation with different eyes than just Joe Averageguy.

 

...But you two were not monogamous in the standard sense of monogamous, correct? Obviously group sex, swinging, whatever you are into factored into your relationship with her. So this part of the both of you is not divorced from the relationship and missing you specifically part. What she had with you, had meaning and real connection, the other part not so much? Can you understand that?

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She wanted to be in a non-monogamous relationship. I was not interested in that. The particular kink being discussed doesn't necessarily involve sex, but can at times. I wasn't specifically seeking multiple sexual partners with the intent of having group sex at all. The way she approached it in that group chat (which I have left) indicated she was trying to manufacture sexual partners into it as well as the non-sexual part.

 

I see what you are saying though. On one hand is the remnants of the relationship, and her subsequent telling me how she missed me, and on the other hand is the kink and how fast/easily she was able to dive into it. The other part is age. Shes a lot younger and I can't help but feel she's doing what she feels she needs to do to make herself feel better. I suppose in the wide-view perspective I would be doing the same. She wants attention and got it. I have never been one to seek attention especially in that capacity, but I'm a guy. Women tend to be idolized when there's only 1 or 2 interested in kink XYZ. Does that make sense? I'm trying to view this as logically as I can but also realize that emotions are getting in the way. Maybe one day this will all just be a bad memory.

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"She wanted to be in a non-monogamous relationship. I was not interested in that." Well this is your disconnect. Even for non-monogamous couples, there is THE partner, and then there is the rest. The rest are of no consequence in a way, a revolving door. THE partner is where love and loyalty reside in its own form and it can run deep. Despite that, if you and her are on totally different pages about this lifestyle choice, then....not much that can be done but part ways.

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"She wanted to be in a non-monogamous relationship. I was not interested in that." Well this is your disconnect. Even for non-monogamous couples, there is THE partner, and then there is the rest. The rest are of no consequence in a way, a revolving door. THE partner is where love and loyalty reside in its own form and it can run deep. Despite that, if you and her are on totally different pages about this lifestyle choice, then....not much that can be done but part ways.

 

I was about to write the same thing.

 

She is doing what she has apparently wanted from the get-go, which was to keep the door open for others. That's likely exactly how she functions: she is happy having one primary relationship partner, while at the same time exploring her fetish or sexual desires with others.

 

So OP, I am confused as to why you're surprised by all of this now when you've evidently known for a long time that she isn't monogamous. This is her standard operating procedure, no?

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