pinkypromise Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 I got engaged after 3 months of dating and said yes even with apprehensions. I planned the wedding for a year later but ended up getting married 5 months after the proposal due to an unplanned pregnancy. At the time we were super religious and I felt pressured to "do things the right way" rather than make that decision of marriage on my own. Fast forward 4 years, after leaving the religious influence we had and taking 5 months of EMDR therapy for traumatic experiences I went through in early childhood. I feel like I love my husband as a person and want nothing but the best for him but I'm not IN love with him and never truly was. Ive been forced to be more honest with myself and my feelings since doing this therapy but I can't stand the thought of potentially breaking his heart because i got married under confusion. He hasn't been perfect and let verbal bullying / emotional abuse drive me away. But now that he sees I'm "done" he's done a complete 180. I don't know if me having feelings of not being in love is a phase all married people go through or is it something I should take seriously. I'm 27 years old and don't want to stay married 10-15 years just to come back to the same conclusion. Sex isn't everything but even when we were dating I couldn't stand his smell or his kiss. Not every time but most times we made love I didn't truly enjoy the experience. This hasn't changed over time as I hoped it would. Again, I'm not sure if this is normal because marriage is hard and people change but I can't help but wonder if I'm holding us back. Thanks I'm advance. Link to comment
Star49 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Hi, I know how you feel I'm around your age and I feel the same after months of him pushing me away and telling me he doesn't love me (now has changed his mind again after fakki back in love with me) I now feel like I don't love him like I should, but I still do not want to hurt him. I can't give you any advice as I'm in the same situation but I just want to let you know your not alone. Link to comment
arjumand Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 You seem to repelled by your husband -- this is not normal and not something that every couple goes through. If he has been abusive and you aren't interested in him, why stay? Staying under such circumstance is not going to do your child any good -- if anything he/she will learn to be unhappy in a marriage. f you are unsure what to do, go get some talk therapy by yourself to hash this out. But, to be honest, you seem pretty sure that you aren't interested in spending the rest of your life with this man. Maybe it is time to start over. Keep in mind, you won't be able to get rid of him entirely until your child is fully grown, but perhaps with help the two of you can work out a pleasant coparenting existence. Link to comment
vesper Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 It is really something you have to figure out soon instead of stringing him along. Its all you and a life lived in fear, is a life half-lived x Link to comment
DanZee Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 You've got to listen to what you subconscious is tell you. If you can't stand his smell or his kisses, that's serious. You're still a young woman and sex is so important in building a deep, fulfilling and trusting relationship. You're only 27! Men are shallow and the lack of sex or the feeling like having to force you to have sex will drive him away eventually. You usually hear this in middle-aged women. You still have time and you deserve happiness. Separate, post adds on Craigslist or sign up for Match.com and try to meet someone, preferably someone with a child himself. Don't force yourself. Love does change over time, but it should grow deeper, not shallower. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Is your aversion to kissing and having sex with him something you only experienced with him or have you had that reaction to other men as well? Have you and your therapist discussed what you've told us? Are you still in therapy? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 You accepted a proposal from a man who you just met. You were NEVER in love with him you got swept up in everything and could not bring yourself to say "no". If he is being kind to you now you have two options - you encourage him to have better oral hygiene, and you communicate your preferences when it comes to sexual contact and you make a choice to fall in love with the man you chose as a husband (yes, you chose to marry him, its not something that just simply happened to you as a bystander and love is a choice) or you leave him and coparent your child. But either way, you start being a participant in your life and not someone just along for the ride. Link to comment
electricorchid Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Notice how you almost said it yourself in the title of this post? "I dont love my husband." And youre hoping its a phase... It sounds like youve known this for a really long time now but youve been doing everything everyone else has been telling you to do rather than doing what you feel is best for you. You absolutely hands down rushed into this relationship. My advice? Do whats best for you. Once and for all. You were never into him. IT IS normal to have been in love with someone once and fall out of love but in YOUR case, From what I understood you never were in love with him at all. Youre 27 hunny, you have a lot of more years to live. Get out of this mess, no ones forcing you to stay. A blessing you have in this day n age is the freedom and the choice to be with whomever you want! This is something you have absolute completely control over... theres a lot of things in life you cant control like death and pregnancies but think about your happiness and put it first!!! Link to comment
pinkypromise Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 You accepted a proposal from a man who you just met. You were NEVER in love with him you got swept up in everything and could not bring yourself to say "no". If he is being kind to you now you have two options - you encourage him to have better oral hygiene, and you communicate your preferences when it comes to sexual contact and you make a choice to fall in love with the man you chose as a husband (yes, you chose to marry him, its not something that just simply happened to you as a bystander and love is a choice) or you leave him and coparent your child. But either way, you start being a participant in your life and not someone just along for the ride. lol his hygiene is fine. I guess it's just a lack of attraction. We also knew each other for 4 year before we started dating. However once we actually started dating it got serious fast. Yes you're right. I'm not an innocent bystander in my life and am here because of my choices. I also think about love being a choice and wonder if this is salvageable, considering I actually make the choice. Link to comment
pinkypromise Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 Is your aversion to kissing and having sex with him something you only experienced with him or have you had that reaction to other men as well? Have you and your therapist discussed what you've told us? Are you still in therapy? I've had the reaction to other men as well but not many. I've had the opposite experience when it comes to relations so I know it's possible at least for me. Yes we've discussed it and I still am but almost done. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.