Married and having an affair

[Star49]

So me and my husband have been having a few problems it's been going on for the last 9 months. We have had job loss, house move money worries and also problems having a baby. During arguments my husband has many times told me he wishes he was never with me even before our marriage he used to say it, when I question it later on he admits that at the time he meant it. He's always moaned at me for spending time with friends if I was out longer than a couple of hours, male or female. On more than a few occasions he's tried to stop me going out with certain friends or rings me all the time when I am out. At the beginning of the year he told me that he no longer loved me but wanted to try and make it work so we stopped together. I started chatting to a guy i know and it turned out he was attracted to me. Mine and my husbands sex life started to get very poor, I feels like he has to make effort to sleep with me and there is no passion what so ever I even have to ask him to kiss me. So as you guessed I started sleeping with the guy I knew.

 

At first it was just sex because I was missing that kind of connection. The sex was amazing..... and still is. It is now 7 months down the line and I'm in love with him, I still get the butterflies when he holds, is near to me and kisses me. I don't just want him, I need him. I have never felt like I do about him with anyone else. I cannot explain it but it's just different with him. He's never pressured me to leave my husband but I do know given the chance he would be there for me. Over the last 9 months my husband has been pushing me away because of stress and I think when he told me he didn't love me was when my barrier went up and kept my distance. My husband has now turned round to me and told me he's fallen back in love with me and knows he needs to make changes and has started to try and show me more affection, but I really don't think I want to be with him. That love I felt for him a year ago has gone. I have so many what ifs what if it's a mistake walking away, what if I can never have a family because I've left it too long, what if it destroys him. I've been on the other side and it hurts so much.

 

There are many things just little things that he has said that makes me feel like we need to try and get along and like each other rather than it just be a natural connection. Things like maybe if we have a baby it will rekindle what we had, the kind of love that makes your heart jump doesn't exist, you never feel the same love for someone as you did when you first met, if he's saying them things surly he isn't truly in love with me?.....I just need advice my head is a mess and I do not know what to do

[boltnrun]

So after TWO ENTIRE MONTHS of "problems" with your marriage you decide to have an affair?

 

Tell your husband you are in love with someone else and want a divorce. Cheating on him is not the solution.

 

And see if wonderful Affair Guy still wants you after you're free and single.

[melancholy123]

Do NOT get pregnant with your husband feeling the way you do. It is wrong to bring a child into your problems and a child should never have the job of trying to bring two adults together who probably should be apart.

 

Divorce your husband, see where it goes with this other guy.

[Star49]

The problems started not long after we were married but it's been the last 9months at its worse

[Honeycomb8]

Divorce your husbund.

 

It's people like you that make me lose alittle more hope for humanity.

Don't have a child -_-. That doesn't change anything.

[Seraphim]

Yup, never never never bring kids into a relationship fraught with issues. Kids pay the most for those mistakes .

[Honeycomb8]

So after TWO ENTIRE MONTHS of "problems" with your marriage you decide to have an affair?

 

Tell your husband you are in love with someone else and want a divorce. Cheating on him is not the solution.

 

And see if wonderful Affair Guy still wants you after you're free and single.

 

It says volumes about the guy, if he's willing to sleep with a married woman.

[ThatwasThen]

Well of course you don't feel you love your husband anymore, how could you think you have an emotional connection to him when you've caved to your lust and infatuation of some other guy, a guy that has no qualms to bed you knowing you're married.

 

You don't love him, you're just in a perpetual honeymoon stage with some guy you steal clandestine moments with when you can make up an excuse to not be at home. You have zero time with him where actual life gets in the way of your lust. Your focus is NOT on your marriage and husband but rather on a interloper who would help you loose all connection with the man you chose to marry.

 

Leave your husband because its unlikely you'll ever get back your emotional connection to him now that you've let this affair go on so long. Leave but don't leave for a stooge that would knowingly help you cheat.

 

Also you should work on your emotional maturity because if you think that the honeymoon of lust and infatuation goes on indefinitely, you're sadly mistaken. All lust and infatuation eventually wanes and a more mature love takes its place. Its up to the two people involved to keep the passion going.

[ThatwasThen]

I'll add why did you marry a man that told you he wished he never met you? Its not surprising your relationship is coming to an end.

[lostandhurt]

Many of us here have seen this so many times it is almost a cliché. "He isn't pressuring me to leave my husband" Of course he isn't, he gets to have sex with you while your husband takes care of all the other stuff. You are a perfect fit for the guy, just a piece on the side that is married so he doesn't have to worry about any commitment.

 

You are not In Love with your husband and they way you betrayed him shows you care little for his feelings so why not do him a favor and get a divorce so you both can do what you want without all the lies and cheating. He may be hurt at first but in time he will see that you did him a favor by getting out of his life.

 

Once you are free to see your bf all the time don't be surprised if things change. Once the divorce happens then there is no sneaking around, not excitement and no more fantasy because it becomes just plain ole life once again but with a new guy. A guy I might add that thinks nothing of banging married women. There will be some trust issues between you two since you are a cheater and his moral compass is broken but you might be able to work through all that and have a happy life together. It happens once in a while.

 

If you ever cared for your husband do the right thing and divorce him. Shouldn't he be with a woman he can trust and that cares for him?

 

Lost

[IAmFCA]

Offering this, generically:

 

Some relationships last past the divorce. My ExH is married to his mistress; I was with my mister?? for a few more years after the D.

 

I don't recommend it. Being single after divorce creates an enormous opportunity to address the world in a new way, a way that reflects ourselves in our best light. The trauma of even a kind divorce is enough to expose some areas within ourselves that were previously hidden. We have an opportunity to accept ourselves because nobody else will. I don't think I would have learned this skill while in relationship. Very glad I did.

[Star49]

This other guy is also married but very recently separated. He isn't some guy that just wanted a bit on the side.

[Seraphim]

They all say that.

[ThatwasThen]

This other guy is also married but very recently separated. He isn't some guy that just wanted a bit on the side.

What does that have to do with whether he just wants something on the side or not?

[Honeycomb8]

This other guy is also married but very recently separated. He isn't some guy that just wanted a bit on the side.

 

Yeah well telling you that you're a piece of a** is not gonna get you into bed as readily and easily right.

Ehhh...On second thought divorce your husbund and get with the other guy. You both deserve each other lol.

[Seraphim]

I wonder why he is " very recently" separated. My guess is his wife found out and booted his cheating butt out. I hope she laces him with a lawyer.

Tell your hubby, get divorced. This is about personal integrity.

[HeartGoesOn]

I started chatting to a guy i know and it turned out he was attracted to me. Mine and my husbands sex life started to get very poor, I feels like he has to make effort to sleep with me and there is no passion what so ever I even have to ask him to kiss me. So as you guessed I started sleeping with the guy I knew.

^

Sorry, but that wasn't my guess. I would have instead taken a guess that as a married woman, you would either attempt to address your problems, or get a divorce. Is that so difficult?

[abitbroken]

Sorry, but if he is willing to sleep with a married woman and cheat on his wife, how loyal do you think he is going to be to you if you leave your husband? You have an interesting way of dealing with marital problems. you need to come clean with yoiur husband. He deserves to know you are having an affair. He deserves to get tested for STDs since his wife is a homewrecker. He deserves to have the choice to leave his unfaithful wife if he wants to.

[melancholy123]

This other guy is also married but very recently separated. He isn't some guy that just wanted a bit on the side.

 

hahaha! Of course he isnt!

[IAmFCA]

1. I will not shame you.

2. People who say "you're just a side piece" may not realize how dehumanizing that is; there are many ways we can relate to each other and sometimes being someone's side piece is a deeply human experience.

3. Cheating is more often about connection than about raw sex.

4. Your marriage is over, your H sounds as if he has tendencies towards control and abuse and neither of those is love or affection. Take responsibility for your emotional health and your physical health. End your marriage. Protect yourself from getting pregnant. PLEASE.

5. Get psychotherapy. Goals are to identify why you accept your Hs treatment of you, learn what love can be like, learn to believe you are lovable.

6. Your attachment to your bf is understandable because home is stifling. Read about codependency and attachment. Please learn to enjoy moments without future ideation. your bf is filling a need for you, long term, you will be out of an abusive household and you will know how to validate yourself. Your bf is temporary. He is making you happy - which is your responsibility, and he is making you feel lovable, which is your responsibility.

 

Regard this as a temporary situation. Fix the problem, which is your marriage and the fact that you accepted such a man as your H.

[Annia]

This other guy is also married but very recently separated. He isn't some guy that just wanted a bit on the side.

 

Really? What you say makes it looks even more that he just wanted a bit on the side.

[Mollied]

I'm not going to judge or insult you because what most other posters don't seem to understand is what it's like to be in your situation. I'm not saying you were necessarily right to have an affair but you shouldn't have to be unhappy.

I'm speaking from experience as I have pretty much been where you are. My first husband wasn't like yours in behaviour but we just drifted apart over time then things started turning sour with insults and jibes replacing the hugs and kisses. It got to the point where it didn't even feel like we were friends anymore. And it's not like we never tried to get back on track. We went to counselling and even lived apart for a while etc. Sometimes some marriages can't be saved though and some just aren't worth saving!

 

Towards the end I started having an affair with an old acquaintance that I bumped into while out one night and we got to talking. As we got to know each other more everything seemed so perfect but there was a downside to him in that he was married too. He wasn't happy in his either and the more time we spent together, the more we hated being apart as we were happy with each other. Eventually we both decided to end our marriages which wasn't fun in the slightest as I had all the what ifs running through my head like what if he backs out at the last minute and I'm left on my own? What if everything we have is just because of the excitement? What if it all changes between us if we get together?

 

I chose to follow my heart and I can say it was the best decision of my life to take the jump. He never backed out, we are extremely happy together, always have plenty of excitement, we've been married for 4 years now (together for 7) and have a beautiful baby girl too.

 

Even if he hadn't ended his I still know I would be happier and better off without my husband. I felt so lonely and unwanted around him it's no wonder I felt relieved when I was free of him.

 

Just remember sometimes when a good thing comes along in life it's for a reason. It's up to you to decide if you want to grab it and never let go or just let it pass you by.

[ParisPaulette]

Your marriage is toxic and you're with a guy who openly admits he doesn't really want to be with you. Do not bring a child into this mess, because it will make things worse. So will having an affair. Kids are very hard work, they are not magic it's all 1950s sitcom now and once the rush of parenthood wears off you had damn well better be willing to crawl through broken glass for that child by yourself with zero resources and the world against you. Or I say don't bother to have a baby. I have kids, I love them dearly, they did not "save" my marriage. It just added stress to an already stressful situation and kids are not a light game to be taken as a cure-all for what sounds like a very toxic situation to be in.

 

Having an affair is probably you hoping your husband will catch you and kick you out. It's self-sabotage, or maybe it's self-medication of one sort or another, but it's the wrong way to go about it. Either tell your husband to go with you to marriage counseling to figure out if you even want to be married or not, or just rip the bandaid off and divorce him and stay single for awhile. And forget about children in the interim, because if you think you're unhappy now try having an affair, managing a bad marriage, AND having a tiny life 1,000 percent dependent on you - so much so that you will not go to the bathroom or be able to sleep a full night by yourself for at least a year.

 

I'm not trying to scare anyone out of having kids, but these are not goldfish and they are not tiny therapists who will fix your marriage. A marriage counselor or a divorce will do either and yes, you can get marriage counseling that may help you decide to end it. That's what happened in my ex=marriage. We went to counseling. It woke up how truly wrong we were for each other. We divorced amicably with a minimum of pain and are now married to other people and really happy. And I had kids, because I wanted kids and as a single mother I crawled through glass for them sometimes. It was worth it, but they never solved any problems I had in life. They weren't supposed to , that was my role for them, not the other way around.

 

Don't get pregnant, seek marriage counseling or a divorce attorney, hang the affair up until your life is sorted out and you're truly single and able to stand on your own two feet and then decide if this guy is what you want.Right now he's the equivalent of a bottle of scotch every night to numb away your bad life choices of staying in a marriage that sounds like a pretty bad deal to me.

[Star49]

Thank you. That is a huge help