Should I Let Him Know?

[WombatShadow]

A short one for once!

 

My ex and I are in a mutual and temporary state of No Contact. He says he doesn't need it for himself and would prefer to be in communication for me, but it's become apparent to the both of us that I need it in order to heal. We last spoke two nights ago, and he has graciously agreed not to contact me unless something major happens with him, our friends, or his family that requires my attention. He wasn't happy about it, and was in fact crying quite a bit during our phone call.

 

My question: should I let him know that this isn't an indefinite situation? He was utterly miserable the last time we went No Contact, thinking that he would never get to talk to me again; he literally did nothing but go to work, lay on his couch, and occasionally let his coworkers get him drunk. The thought of that happening again makes me sick, both as his ex-lover and as his friend. We both know that we'll be friends again someday, and in fact I already kind of know when I'm going to break NC (between Sept. 17 and Oct. 1, unless I'm absolutely not moved on enough by that point in which case I shall wait a bit longer), but I can't help but wonder if I should indicate that to him.

 

Full disclosure: I still want to get him back, but that's not the reason behind the No Contact. I care more about salvaging our friendship than I do about dating him right now.

 

Thoughts?

[figureitout23]

You knew all this when you made the choice to go NC right?

 

How will either of you heal if you keep picking at the scab?

 

Are you maybe looking for an excuse to break no contact?

[DanZee]

Well, you didn't say why you chose to break up so that would make a difference in my answer. But if you decided on No Contact, I don't see how you can call him. It's No Contact.

[loip9114]

Do not contact him, you already said we cannot be friends now. That clearly indicates at the present time, which leaves an opportunity for contact in the future.

You also wanted him to make an effort right? Well if you tell him: 'I might contact you again at the start of October', what do you think his response will be? Will he start thinking about getting in contact himself and start moving towards you as a friend? Or will he just simply wait untill you contact him? I think the latter.

 

Salvaging friendships is always possible! I actually recently salvaged two friendships. In one we had different lives and it just wasn't compatible, so I stopped contacting more and more. Eventually we had no contact for over a year. Which we salvaged only recently. So yeah 1 year later, a friendship salvaged. Another one was even longer, we were friends during highschool, but during college we kind of lost touch. 7 years later his brother contacted us for a surprise party, a couple of friends and I of course agreed. Ever since he is now part of our group again whenever we go out and have a beer. With all of these friendships it just picks up were you left it.

BUT if you want to really salvage your friendship with your ex, you must first heal yourself. Otherwise you might (consciously or unconsciously) start sabotaging the friendship you have due to dormant feelings for him. You might start acting in ways to get him back, or whenever you see him with another you might get jealous. Making the friendship toxic, probably causing a rift and ending it.

 

So yeah definitely do not do it! You already made clear this might be temporarily or not. So have him wonder and ponder over that, it might actually have him start moving. Instead of just waiting for you to get back in touch. And also if he doesn't get in touch, it does give you the time and space to work on yourself and keep your focus on yourself.

[catfeeder]

 

My question: should I let him know that this isn't an indefinite situation?

 

Naaahhh. That's just an excuse to contact him and try to manipulate him with that information. Skip that. Ex wants you to settle for the discomfort of providing him comfort. I'd skip that, too.

 

Ex knows what to do if he ever decides that he wants an 'all in' relationship with you. Anything short of that is meaningless beyond keeping you on the hook for an investment he doesn't intend to fulfill. I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a great life for myself.

 

Ex can't miss you if you won't go away.

[abitbroken]

A short one for once!

 

My ex and I are in a mutual and temporary state of No Contact. He says he doesn't need it for himself and would prefer to be in communication for me, but it's become apparent to the both of us that I need it in order to heal. We last spoke two nights ago, and he has graciously agreed not to contact me unless something major happens with him, our friends, or his family that requires my attention. He wasn't happy about it, and was in fact crying quite a bit during our phone call.

 

My question: should I let him know that this isn't an indefinite situation? He was utterly miserable the last time we went No Contact, thinking that he would never get to talk to me again; he literally did nothing but go to work, lay on his couch, and occasionally let his coworkers get him drunk. The thought of that happening again makes me sick, both as his ex-lover and as his friend. We both know that we'll be friends again someday, and in fact I already kind of know when I'm going to break NC (between Sept. 17 and Oct. 1, unless I'm absolutely not moved on enough by that point in which case I shall wait a bit longer), but I can't help but wonder if I should indicate that to him.

 

Full disclosure: I still want to get him back, but that's not the reason behind the No Contact. I care more about salvaging our friendship than I do about dating him right now.

 

Thoughts?

 

He doesn't want to date you because he lost feelings for you --- if he is still going to contact you "when something major happens to him" or needs to talk about his family or friends --- you are basically letting him has his cake and eat it to. He has the benefits of the relationship - the shoulder to cry on - the helpmate to get him through dicey situations - but also the benefits of being unattached because he can date who he wants to, sleep with who he wants to and already "told you he lost feelings" so when he meets the woman he wishes to marry you will have been "warned" and you would have no right to feel bad, according to him.

 

No - he doesn't get to dictate the terms of this. You need to go fully no contact. He has other friends to talk to about his friends. he has siblings and other relatives and friends to talk to when something major is happening.

 

Do not promise him anything - friendship, a future relationship, etc. If he expressed that he fell out of feelings for you --- then he gets ZERO of you.

[MissCanuck]

You need to go No Contact with no set "end date." What is going to happen between Sept 17 and Oct 1 that would lead you to get in touch with him again?

 

If he's not contacting you because he wants you back, then all you're doing by permitting him access to you is prolonging your own pain. Who cares if he all he allegedly did was worked and drank and lazed around when you tried to implement NC before? He dumped you. That's what happens. He doesn't get to enjoy the pleasure of your attention and validation when he decided he no longer wants you to be his girlfriend. He's a big boy. He can handle it. No need for you to feel sick over it, he will eventually be fine.

 

Maintaining a friendship is not wise right now. That is usually just not realistic for recent exes, particularly when one person (you, in this case) still has feelings. How will you feel when you find out he's gone on a date with someone else, while you're sitting there just trying to be his friend? This is about self-preservation now. Assume that he will be in touch if something major happens to him, or if he wants to reconcile. Otherwise, you need to start healing and operating as though the relationship is finished. Get strong on your own.