PLEASE HELP! Fiance' hates ex!

[Lgaubert]

Hi. My fiancé and I have been together for a while now. We currently live together (I moved in with him). The problem that I am having is that he hates that my ex husband and I speak a good bit. My ex husband and I have 3 children together and speak almost daily, always about the kid's needs. My fiancé can't stand it and says that the ex interferes with our life. I think the hatred is getting worse and he is starting to take it out on my children.

 

It is an almost constant fight between my fiancé and I every time the ex calls. He is also mad that I agreed to pay for half of all the kid's school supplies but, our divorce states that I am equally responsible. My fiancé calls my ex husband a worthless POS for asking me to pay for half of it and says that he is not a real man if he can't pay for the kids 100%. My ex is an absolutely amazing father and I thank God everyday that he loves our childen as much as he does. The custody between my ex hubby and I is totally different from the typical custody agreement. My ex keeps them almost every night (picks them up about 7 p.m.) and drops them off to me every morning at about 6 a.m.

 

I have them one night a week and every other weekend. We did this because we feel that the children need to spend equal amounts of time with both parents. It works out great and the kids are ecstatic that they get to see us both that much. My fiancé on the other hand, hates that we have to cross paths with my ex every day. It is a constant battle with my fiancé and I feel like I am always having to justify or defend what I truly believe is right. He is not very close with my kids at all and tends to get easily agitated with my 4 year old (says that he talks too much and is too clingy). My boys are 16, 13, and 4 and I thinks it's vital that they maintain a great relationship with their father. Can someone please help? This isn't even all of it...just a basic summary of things. Any advice is welcomed. Thanks.

[pippy longstocking]

Honest ...my advice ..leave .......one day you will sit down and look back and realise these precious years have gone , they are grown up and you spent it with a man who clearly doesn't like your children .

 

I will let everyone else give you advice on staying with him , because in my mind ...there is nothing you have written that would keep me with him .

[SherrySher]

Your fiancee is the problem here and he needs to grow up or leave.

 

It's right that you pay half, those are your children. And people who co parent have to talk quite a lot on the kids needs. You also say the fiancee is not close to your kids? I seriously think he is too immature to be in this situation and he needs to be shown to the door.

You don't need a fourth kid to deal with.

[kbbcoop77]

Your kids come first and your fiancé is a total douchebag and if you marry him you're gonna regret it. I wouldn't put up with that crap and certainly not every day. What in the world does he have to offer? He sounds like an egotistical pig.

[DancingFool]

Your fiance doesn't like your children, hasn't bonded with them, bad mouths your youngest and most impressionable and vulnerable one, takes out his frustrations on them, plus is picking fights with you daily, telling you how you should and shouldn't be living.........I really don't know what you are getting out of this, but you do need to protect your children and get rid of ANY man who does even one of the above, let alone all of it. It all should have stopped at he doesn't like your children...... Long past due that you give him the ring back and show him out the door and lock and bar the door behind him.

[Banished]

Honestly, it may come across as accusatory, but being involved with someone who doesn't like your kids and can't handle your interaction with your ex-husband is not okay as a single mother.

 

This interaction is damaging to your children's well being, and they should always be your first priority.

[Knight2001]

he doesnt like your kids. get out of that relationship for their sakes if not your own. you dont need someone like this in your life.

[j.man]

Honestly, it may come across as accusatory, but being involved with someone who doesn't like your kids and can't handle your interaction with your ex-husband is not okay as a single mother.

 

This interaction is damaging to your children's well being, and they should always be your first priority.

Bit harsh but true. Your kids deserve you not involving yourself with a man who can't value them, much less the stability and well-being they have from your amicable co-parenting. I don't know how you can look at this man and smile knowing his attitudes toward your children.

 

Not trying to be an ass, just demonstrating that, regardless of how insulated you feel this issue is, the fact is he's a big toxic cloud who's detrimental to everyone's best interests here.

 

You can find a man who's not an ***hole.

[Krankor]

I agree with what the others are saying, but when I read this it strikes me that I'm reading about a man with a stone-aged mind trying to handle a fairly modern-day situation, and doing a bad job of it.

 

Heres what you have to realize: to his stone-aged brain, this man is a sexual rival. Now, that may seem silly on one level but there actually is a certain logic to it. This is a man who you were obviously with for a long time and had sex with at least a few times. He's still in the picture and you are still signaling a certain amount of regard for the man. In a way, he's already outcompeted your fiance as he's produced three kids with you. So your fiance is falling back on his instincts and doing what any good caveman would do to help ensure his own reproductive success; try to lower the status of his competitors by either directly displaying superiority in some area or just by verbally cutting them down. In this case, it's that he's not a "real man" because he doesn't pick up 100% of the tab.

 

Because I see this for what it is, I really never try to shut down or vehemently disagree with a new girlfriend who is cutting down an ex. Example, my last gf was a few years younger than me, and the gf before her was a few years older than me. When the younger gf found this out, she would make comments about me and "the old lady" every so often for a while. It didn't bother me because I knew exactly what she was doing; drawing attention to her youth as an example of why I should consider her superior mating material.

 

So that is what is happening here. So if it were just a little bit of sniping about the ex, I'd just tell you to send the fiance clear signals that you have no interest in your ex in any kind of sexual or romantic way, and that hopefully he'll calm down about it.

 

However (and I won't get into step-kids and evo-psych) you can and should only tolerate so much, and, honestly, this doesn't sound like a good situation to put your kids in, especially the youngest.

[tattoobunnie]

The father of your children, and your children are a part of the package. If he can't accept, welcome, and love the whole package, then this guy is a loser. For the sake of your kids, get rid of him. Any a 4 year old chatty, um, duh...he's a kid. And needy? He's 4. God forbid the guy gets into his head to whack the kid for talking too much. He sounds like a really bad guy.