Sickness.

[almanac]

To be quite honest, this is a very difficult thing for me to write about as it just happened and I was deeply in love with this woman (as much as it pains me to admit how wounded I am over it). For my entire life, I played sports, and during that time, I have received quite a lot of concussions. Granted, I stop playing when I was eighteen years old, but life still has a way and I recently acquired a concussion that seems particularly bad. I have been trying to take care of myself, because my migraines get so severe that I can't do much but relax and lay there.

 

Today, my girlfriend of a year decided she was going to dump me because my concussion posed an inconvenience to the attention she was getting from me. She claimed she was feeling emotionally neglected and I apologized for making her feel that way, but reinforced the fact that my physical being was out of my control and I was trying my best. She discouraged that and told me I was lying and that I was simply ignoring her (a conclusion that she always reaches despite the fact that she tends to say white lies, even if the situation doesn't call for it). I apologized and said I would try to be around more, even though it might be difficult for me, because my headaches were so terrible.

 

I understand why she might feel like this, and I know a year isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, but I still feel hurt. I have never been a very well person, I've had a lot of injuries from various sports and I have a very poor immune system, but that is out of my control. She has never been very understanding, but I loved her and felt like I owed her, because she stuck around through all my suffering. When I told her what was going on, she would tell me, "Oh, i'm sorry," or "It's fine. You should get some rest." And whenever I was sick, she would reply with one-word answers and ignore me, for the most part. She made me feel guilty, especially when she would ignore me. I don't understand this behavior, and I am not a terribly sensitive person, but I suppose I am just confused?

 

What do you think of this behavior? Should I let her walk out? There are always two sides to the story and I feel very bad that she felt neglected, but she isn't allowing me to do any better. Would YOU leave your significant other who was injured/ill, or what would you do if they did?

[BornOfChaos]

I wouldn't leave my significant other who was injured/ill. I'm married, btw. My relationship with my wife is still as great as it was when we first got married, because I made sure that we had the best possible communication going before I proposed to her. We're always an open book to each other regarding our feelings, and don't resort to "one-word answers". That said - I am sorry to say this, but your girlfriend is trouble. She may be nice in other ways, but she's still toxic. You say she's "never been very understanding" -- that's a red flag to RUN AWAY! You need someone who's compassionate and understanding about your headaches and immune system, and doesn't falsely accuse you (another red flag). If your girlfriend cannot do all three, then be realistic and HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE for "poisoning the well" so to speak and just find someone else. Do what's best for YOU.

[almanac]

I appreciate your response! I am glad to hear your relationship is still thriving because that's how a relationship SHOULD be. She is trouble, I loved her quite a lot for a very long time because she had her good qualities. However, the bad outweighs the good. It's not like I was lowering her expectations or anything. Even before we got together, I explained my health, but even if I had not: LIFE HAPPENS. It is out of my control now, I did my best with what I had, but it was not enough. I can't fault myself for trying my best, but my condition and my wellbeing are far more important.

[ImYoPusher]

Like you said, life happens. You need someone who will stick it out with you. I hate to say it but your gf sounds very self centered and kinda high maintenance. Don't get me wrong, every woman should get attention from her man and what woman doesn't want to be spoiled and loved on by him? But relationships are give and take. Your needs should be met too. I sounds like you really love this lady so I suggest talking to her. When you aren't in the midst of a migraine and are feeling good, maybe shower her with affection so that when you aren't feeling well, maybe she will be more sympathetic and understanding. I might even point out to her things to show her that you've been attentive ....maybe she needs a reminder but if she continues with only thinking of herself, let her go.

[BornOfChaos]

sounds like you really love this lady so I suggest talking to her. When you aren't in the midst of a migraine and are feeling good, maybe shower her with affection so that when you aren't feeling well, maybe she will be more sympathetic and understanding.

 

I have had family members (especially on my wife's side of the family) who are like the girl he describes. I've also read a lot of psychology to try and understand everything better. Since almanac mentioned that his girlfriend wants to dump him, he's actually in a "lucky" position where he can be released easily from her. Every symptom he's described about his girlfriend is pretty much textbook narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), from the sounds of it. One of the main flags is "never been very understanding" -- and even if you try to show affection and make amends, people like that very rarely change. It's better he let her dump him, so he can find someone with more conscience. Instead of being held hostage by what sounds like a cousin of Stockholm syndrome, via her emotional manipulation.

[BornOfChaos]

almanac - You're welcome and I'm glad you are taking responsibility for your well-being. I wish you the best.

[ThatwasThen]

Almanac: Are you getting professional help with doctors and therapist for your ongoing concussion symptoms? If you are not, then please do.

 

It's one thing to be supportive and understanding when you are in a relationship of marriage or common law and you've been together before the illness... Its quite another to expect someone you've just been dating to be that way. We date to try and find a lifemate and it's human nature to want to find one that is at our level of emotional, mental and physical health. Dating is also to find out if who we were originally attracted to is someone that we can spend the rest of our lives with so her breaking up with you is a godsend actually because I don't think you would want a lifetime of her not being supportive... also you can't expect anyone to be supportive if you're not getting professional help to overcome your condition. Are you having any symptoms of depression?

 

Hope you're feeling better soon.