WombatShadow Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 My ex and I had a very long talk tonight. I'm actually fresh off the phone with him. Like always, I apologize for the longevity of this. He and I left our conversation back in June with the same feeling, with one major exception: I believed that he was willing to give things another go, and he just wanted to be friends. He did admit to me that I am the best friend in his life, and he does not want to lose that, but he does not feel that I will find happiness with him as a boyfriend. However, he was talking things over with his mother (no shame there, I talk to my mom about this all the time) and she suggested a communication break. He broached the idea to me, but seemed rather unsure that it was necessary. I actually started our very long talk with a long letter, in which I finally vented all of my frustrations about the way our whateverness has been going and laid out three options based on my observations of our wants and needs: 1) he wants to be just friends with me, and therefore we can be friends but only in the capacity of our group and not alone; 2) he does not actually want to be friends at all, and therefore we just need to cut things off entirely; and 3) he still has enough feelings for me that he wants to give things a genuine shot at a relationship. This all seems too close to an ultimatum for my liking, but it was the only way I was going to get him to define what the hell he wants from me. Obviously I was gunning for Option 3, but he told me that he wanted...none of them. Instead, he really wants to be my best friend. He sees me as a better and closer friend than the other members of our group and wants to continue hanging out more often than the three to four times a year he sees the main group. I ended up completely spilling my guts even more than in the letter, basically telling him that I'm still in love with him and that every time I get a text from him I light up and every time I don't get a response or he lets the conversation die down without continuing it properly it kills a part of me. I also told him that I still don't understand what went wrong and why he won't let me try to fix it. His answer was that he genuinely does not know what happened. He was crying as he figured out what to say, and his voice broke several times as he tried to find the words. He's being honest and doesn't know why he fell out of love. He knows specific instances where things went wrong, and puts the blame on himself, but he doesn't have any reason to dislike me and as such doesn't. A lot of these moments are times that I know I messed things up, thus putting a damper on the relationship (Black Friday shopping: I saw it as me blowing up at him for no reason, he remembers only that it felt like a chore; Christmas leadup: he lied to me about being busy so he didn't have to go to a party with me; I was demanding too much of his time during a busy time of the year). We were both at fault, but the difference is that I see that this is fixable and he sees it as insurmountable. In other words, he sees deal breakers and I see TLC-necessitating. He sees it as us being incompatible, and I see it as us needing to just work a little. All relationships feel like work at times. His reaction to these feelings (to hide them and let them fester and then decide that makes our relationship inadequate) makes me angry. Angry is good, because I haven't been angry with him nearly enough and frankly, he deserves some anger for his decisions about our relationship. So, once I got all that out there, he said that maybe his mom was right about us having a communication break, but he thought it would just need to be for a little bit. I pointed out that even throughout the conversation we were having, I kept expecting him to give a caveat that would allow me to have hope for a relationship in the future or for him to outright confess that he'd miss me too much to let me go NC and therefore ask me back out. It doesn't help that he literally admitted that our relationship may have been totally fixable if we had brought some of this out earlier and in a calmish manner like this phone conversation (I was much calmer than he was, but though we both had some tears we also got a lot said and accomplished). Then, when I tried to bring up the fact that any of our future relationships would either destroy our friendship or implode once our new SO found out that we were best friends as exes, he refused to even address the situation, saying we'd just cross that bridge when we come to it. I hate that phrase out of him. He uses it to defuse situations in the here and now, just using it to put aside things that he doesn't want to deal with. Guess what, ex?! It IS a problem right here and right now, because I want to be clear where you want our boundaries to be. Anyhow, he agrees that we are on two different emotional levels right now. In the interest of honesty (and again, he's being honest, but sometimes I wish he'd just lie and be mean about things!), he did tell me that he still has feelings for me because we were together for 3+ years (just not strong enough ones, apparently), and he also refuses to give a definitive yes or no to the idea of us being together in the future because he doesn't know what the future might hold. He just doesn't see this as that big of an issue to our friendship (how the tables of turned, eh?) and reckons that I just need a bit of time. I told him that, much like he can't be the lover I need, I can't be the best friend he needs, at least not now. He wants to jump right back in to friendship after we've cooled off for a month or so. I don't think that I can safely do that short of a time, because I will just start getting salty when he doesn't talk to me as much as I want him to. He mentioned that I had promised that I would always be his friend, and I was ice cold for a moment and mentioned that less than a year ago he was telling me that he wanted to marry me and that two weeks before breaking up he had promised that he'd love me forever, so I didn't feel so bad about not being friends in the here and now. So, he has left the ball in my court and will let me contact him when I feel ready to be a friend again. I told him to please tell me if something serious goes on with his family or if he realizes that he really misses me as a girlfriend and wants to try again, and that if he gets the group together he's more than welcome to invite me. There's still a big part of me that thinks/wishes that having absolutely no contact as he starts up the school year will make him miss me to the point that he wants to try again, but his pride is going to get in the way of that even if his feelings do regrow. I still maintain that we made a great couple and just need a little elbow grease on the hinges of things to get the relationship swinging once more. I figure I'll touch base with him in October or so, once things have calmed down for both of us on the job front and he's finished with his best man duties and I'm finished with my play. And here goes my heart saying that he just wanted to be friends the last time we did this whole "just us hanging out" thing, and then out of the blue he admitted that he liked me as a hell of a lot more than a friend in a forty-minute confession that culminated in him saying we couldn't date because of extraneous reasons. I'm not crazy, there really are parallels here, but dammit they're getting in the way of me healing. So, yes. No Contact has turned out to be necessary, if only for a time. Hopefully only for a time. Link to comment
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