Boyfriend would rather watch porn than have sex with me

[Tors]

My boyfriend and I have been together around a year and a half and have lived together for the past 6 months. Our sex life had been ok up until a few months ago and now it's pretty much non existent.

 

He lent me his iPad the other day for work, which is linked to his phone, and (I know I shouldn't have) but I had a look at his search history. We haven't had sex in 2 weeks now but he's watched porn every single day in those 2 weeks. There's been mornings where we've been in bed together for hours before I have to leave for work in the afternoon and he doesnt show any interest in having sex but as soon as I leave for work he watches porn. There's even been days when he's watched it while I've been in the shower! Basically it seems that he watches porn at every opportunity even though he has the chance to have sex with me.

 

We're both 26 and our relationship is perfect otherwise. Every night we'll watch tv in bed and then he'll just roll over and go to sleep, showing no interest in me at all and now I know it's because he's already taken care of himself that day! I don't want to sound big headed but I'm not unattractive, but this whole situation has really knocked my confidence and now I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I don't understand why he would rather wait until I leave or wait until I'm the shower to watch porn rather than have sex with me. It would make sense if he was constantly trying to have sex with me and I was saying no but that's not the case at all.

 

I don't have a problem with him watching porn,that's not the issue, it's the fact that he does it instead of being with me. I don't know what to, I can't talk to him about it because he'll know I was checking up on him and that will be a whole other argument (which i completely understand) but I can't go on like this as it's really upsetting me. I even hate the thought of having sex with him now because I feel like he wants something or someone different.

 

I don't really know wat I'm asking, but any advice would be appreciated 😊

[MissCanuck]

Have you asked him about his seeming disinterest in sex with you? What does he say?

[Keyman]

You are right not to mention porn, but you guys have not had sex in a couple of weeks and you are both young and the relationship hasn't been going that long.

 

Do you initiate with him or are you always waiting for him to initiate?

 

I would broach the subject of the lack of sex and ask why your sex life seems to have taken a back seat these days, again not mentioning the p word). Start a discussion and see where it leads.

 

Often a great use of porn could meant a discontent with current sexual arrangement. Having a sly fap can get it over with and isn't a big built up extravaganza that sex can be at times, but you should still be having that extravaganza regularly too. Perhaps since moving in, he is content with your connection and intimacy together, and doesn't feel the need to do it?

 

Also, I don't know yopur living arrangement, flatting or house sharing etc, but the bed should just be a place to sleep and bonk, it sounds like you do everything there, watching TV, eating, lying around before work etc. So, the intimacy of the place might have been lost.

[j.man]

First of all, and I know I sound like a broken record with as much as I say it on these forums, but one the biggest mistakes you can make is making a lack of sex about the sex itself. Deviating from established sex drives and patterns is often a symptom and not itself the disease. To piggyback off Keyman's point, I'd have to ask how often you two are physically together if you're notably spending hours in bed with one another. Speaking personally, I'm the kind of guy who slips out of bed 10 minutes before he has to go to work. My fiancee takes a solid two hours to get ready. I really relish the time I have to myself in the mornings, reading up on news, stocks, industries, etc. If you two are spending loads of time with each other, it could well be that he's suddenly happy when he's got some space and the desire to have an orgasm then follows. Moving in is a big step and navigating both shared and personal space can be extremely tough. A big part of why my fiancee is my fiancee is she's probably the only woman I've been with who was immediately understanding when I told her, albeit it much more diplomatically, "Hey, sometimes I just need to be by myself."

 

Or it could be any amount of other issues in the relationship. We really don't have a whole lot of context or details to make assumptions from. It's just to say a lot of people fall back on lamenting a lack of intimacy when, either because of a willful ignorance / general lack of awareness or a really good front put on by the partner, there are deeper issues of which the lack of intimacy is simply a symptom. I'd make sure you're not quick to assume that just because things are otherwise great for you that they are for him.

 

Another piece of advice is something I'll throw in with the disclaimer that I don't fit the bill as the "average guy" who would bang any minute of the day if given the option. Sex being an expectation has historically been a prolonged boner killer for me. If you've been the one to regularly initiate sex, consider taking a step back and letting him initiate when he's wanting.

 

But, really, if this has been a thing only for two weeks, I'd give him a break and let him do what he's gotta do for now. If it goes on for much longer, I think you can then open the conversation to anything that might not be working for him in the relationship or if he's got his own stress plaguing him on his end. While obviously an issue when it persists, I think it's important in any relationship for a partner to feel like it's OK if they simply don't want to have sex for a bit.

[Dahl]

First of all, and I know I sound like a broken record with as much as I say it on these forums, but one the biggest mistakes you can make is making a lack of sex about the sex itself. Deviating from established sex drives and patterns is often a symptom and not itself the disease. To piggyback off Keyman's point, I'd have to ask how often you two are physically together if you're notably spending hours in bed with one another. Speaking personally, I'm the kind of guy who slips out of bed 10 minutes before he has to go to work. My fiancee takes a solid two hours to get ready. I really relish the time I have to myself in the mornings, reading up on news, stocks, industries, etc. If you two are spending loads of time with each other, it could well be that he's suddenly happy when he's got some space and the desire to have an orgasm then follows. Moving in is a big step and navigating both shared and personal space can be extremely tough. A big part of why my fiancee is my fiancee is she's probably the only woman I've been with who was immediately understanding when I told her, albeit it much more diplomatically, "Hey, sometimes I just need to be by myself."

 

Or it could be any amount of other issues in the relationship. We really don't have a whole lot of context or details to make assumptions from. It's just to say a lot of people fall back on lamenting a lack of intimacy when, either because of a willful ignorance / general lack of awareness or a really good front put on by the partner, there are deeper issues of which the lack of intimacy is simply a symptom. I'd make sure you're not quick to assume that just because things are otherwise great for you that they are for him.

 

Another piece of advice is something I'll throw in with the disclaimer that I don't fit the bill as the "average guy" who would bang any minute of the day if given the option. Sex being an expectation has historically been a prolonged boner killer for me. If you've been the one to regularly initiate sex, consider taking a step back and letting him initiate when he's wanting.

 

But, really, if this has been a thing only for two weeks, I'd give him a break and let him do what he's gotta do for now. If it goes on for much longer, I think you can then open the conversation to anything that might not be working for him in the relationship or if he's got his own stress plaguing him on his end. While obviously an issue when it persists, I think it's important in any relationship for a partner to feel like it's OK if they simply don't want to have sex for a bit.

 

Wow. Just wanted to note: even for j.man, this is top shelf insight and feedback. You're a credit to the forum, j.man!

[cherubrock]

j.man it's not that he doesn't want sex at all he just wants sex with himself!

[ThatwasThen]

There's been mornings where we've been in bed together for hours before I have to leave for work in the afternoon

Perhaps a nice shower, brushing of the teeth, shaving of the legs, a change of the jammies or actually wearing something if you sleep nude might distract from the mundane.

 

Sometimes its just easier to rub one out then go through all the time and energy it takes to have intercourse. Have you suggested watching together after opening up a link in his search history? I'd be doing that if I were to snoop and find new porn to enjoy together.

[Applewhite]

Watch on YouTube: your brain on porn