Am I overthinking this?

[kellywilson]

I asked my boyfriend the other day if he has been smoking pot and he said no. However, yesterday when I was in his car, it smelled like weed. He confessed that he's been smoking with his friends for a month and told me he lied to me because he knew I would freak out. I do not approve of smoking pot so it's somewhat understandable. But, he has a history of lying in the past and I'm not sure if it's going to change. So I broke up with him, but now I feel I am being over dramatic about the situation. I also feel it is right to mention he had plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth throughout the month and we have also been together for 4 1/2 years. During that time he was so against it but now it's a recreational activity for him. What should I do?

[melancholy123]

If this really is a deal breaker for you, then you've done what you had to do. Can you get past this or not? The answer to your question depends on how much you are against smoking weed.

 

If the issue is his lying, you probably have to accept he's going to continue to lie about smoking weed because he knows how you feel about it. So is the lying a deal breaker?

[Lola13]

Hi - I had this exact situation with my ex bf. Except I didn't break up with him and kept hoping for the best and believing he was no longer lying to me. He was. When I met him he wasn't a pot smoker then he began smoking behind my back and relentlessly lied to me about it over 3 years of our 5 year relationship because he knew I didn't approve. Unfortunately, no matter how much you don't want someone to do something, they'll keep doing whatever the f they think is fine as long as it's meeting a need for them. And I honestly think he'll just continue lying like mine did. It was an absolute pain in my arse and I think youve made the right decision. He will only stop once he's had enough of it which could take years or could be never. Better to find someone who shares your views as hard as it feels-believe me, I know. xx

[glitterfingers]

The lying should be a deal breaker. I hate to accept that in relationships, people probably tell each other minor lies frequently. But the issue here goes beyond the lie he told - it's the fact that he doesn't feel safe communicating the truth to you because he's afraid of the consequences. This is either an ingrained habit of his (lying to get out of trouble), OR it's a response to an ingrained habit of yours (punishing people for doing things that you don't agree with). It doesn't matter which of these is the cause of his behaviour, all that matters is that he's chosen to lie rather than discuss a potential problem openly with you.

 

As to whether you should break up over it, I normally would give someone a serious heart to heart about something such as this, and explain my standards for communication and that I won't accept lies. HOWEVER, I am the type of person who will not 'freak out' about something if I am told the truth - I'll deconstruct the issue intellectually and I may have some strong thoughts/disagreements, sure, but I won't react in any extreme way. You have to consider that unless you create a safe space for a person to be honest with you, sometimes they'll feel they have no choice but to lie. If you're being reasonable however and they still lie, then that's their problem and I'd walk away the next time it happens

[Keyman]

Oh the irony... My good friend whose name is also Kelly Wilson is perhaps the biggest pot smoker I know.

 

I've been through this myself decades ago, not so much lying about it, but just not letting on how much I did it. In some ways, by not telling my ex that I was smoking every night, usually after she had gone to bed, I was hiding it in a way from myself. Drinkers can be the same, it's their dirty little secret that is totally okay as long as no-one else knows it is happening.

 

And in a strange way, some people's spending habits women can be the same. If you are on a tight budget but see just that perfect pair of shoes and buy then knowing your partner would not approve and he asks, would you deny it?