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In pieces. Drugs ruin lives without even taking them yourself.

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Hi. This is my first time writing. But im at such a loss i dont know who else to turn to.

My boyfriend and i have been together for 5 years on and off. We've just booked out first holiday.

Over the years there has been cheating on his part, which took a year apart for me to forgive. Then all of a sudden just as we were finally on track, happier then we'd ever been. He started being shifty and popping out to the car and not returning for half and hour. When quizzed as to what he was up to he always had what seemed a legit excuse. Until about 3 weeks if this shifty disappearing act. On my birthday night out together, he sat down and there was a pouch of drugs behind him on the seat with his money that had fallen out of his pocket. I snatched them and lost the plot. I flushed them away. He told me he was in debt and was selling them to get money to make sure i had a nice birthday. The next day i broke my heart told him what if this was too much i was having to lie for him and to deal with this all on my own. So i set about laying down the rules, it stopped. He had no more contact with his friend he got them from. Any slight thing and id be gone. Sorted his debts out arranged payment plans. He has his location services turned on so i can see where he is at all times. But lately im nothing but angry towards him. I love him with everything i am, but im dealing with this alone. Completely alone and by anyones standards im not coping at all. Ive got no friends or family to confide in because they'd all judge him. I just cant get rid of the uncontrollable anger that erupts from me over the slightest thing. I just dont know what to do. I feel like im pushing him completely away when that is the last thing i want or need but i cant control my anger. I lash out. Then uncontrollably sob. He says i can talk to him, but of course i can't how can i? I dont even know how im feeling. I guess in a sense im supressing it all and then when one slight thing makes me mad it all comes out. His family are picking up on how angry i am and i cant exactly explain why, i just keep brushing it off. Ive supressed how i feel for about 2 months now, to the point i dont know how i feel. What can i do? Im sobbing writing this after another uncontrollable outburst. Ending it isnt an option. This is the man i love and want to marry and have children with. I need help but would feel daft going to a gp and saying "im angry all the time". Please any advice id be grateful.

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Well since you asked, lets start with what's wrong with this picture:


1.. You've been on and off for five years. (unhealthy and indications you're with the wrong person)

2.. There has been cheating during the five years. (what? Couldn't the 'cheater' get it out of their system during the times you were off?

3.. He's in debt and I suspect its because he's USING the drugs and he's not just selling them.

4.. He's a liar.

5.. You continue to be unable to accept him for who he's shown you he is so you punish him for not being who you want him to be.

6.. You are not happy but you're so addicted to being with him you INSIST on staying and being miserable in an unhealthy on and off relationship of dysfunction in which you feel totally out of control.


... and you want to have children in that type of invironment? Please don't. Loving someone has absolutely NOTHING to do with why you stay with someone. (particularly when there is a history like yours) You are addicted to having him in your life... you will rehab from that once you leave and as time goes on you will become indifferent to him with zero contact and working on your codependency issues. You are trying to control and you have been failing at it and that is why you feel the way you do. Knowing that you can change you but you can't change anyone else is your first step in getting the courage to leave him.

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Adding to my post above:

I need help but would feel daft going to a gp and saying "im angry all the time".
Ask for a referral to a therapist to help you process your anger and resentment which, I'd say stems from you being unwilling to leave someone that you resent and wish was someone more like your ideal.


How did he get so in debt that he uses drug dealing as a way to get out of it?

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He is a lying, cheating, unemployed drug addict/dealer. What is attractive about this picture? Why do you continue to waste your life with him? Can't get more bottom of the barrel than this loser.


Now you are relegated to playing money manager, and detective following his every move. Good God!


How in the world can you consider having children with this guy? How would someone so unstable support them? How can you possibly consider this??????


You should have been gone, years ago. Your relationship is highly co dependent.You have also sacrificed your friends and family for this bum. How can you have an ounce of respect for him? Why is this enough for you?


Please seek counseling and get away from him. do you have a job?

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