Perspectives on "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

[throwitaway201]

I got blindsided recently by “I love you but I’m not in love with you” by my ex-girlfriend of 6 years. She didn’t say these exact words, but that is effectively what she meant. Her feelings had been building up for a while, and as I think back to our relationship, which had been long distance for 2.5 years (although that was ending in a few months), I could see it happening and tried to speak to her. Our sex life was never amazing, although it was quite good, but that began to wane after a few months together, and she is naturally low libido. But she denied any of those worrying feelings and bottled them up. She was the one fighting for the relationship on those occasions.

 

In the end, I caught her emotionally cheating online with a guy on another continent she had met a few months previously. They met for professional reasons, he had tried to sleep with her, she had refused but enjoyed the attention. She struck up the conversation they were having previously online, admitted her feelings towards him. She was doing some flirting, mostly in response to him, but the worst thing was she was emotionally investing in him in the same way she was with me. That hurt.

 

I broke up our relationship after trying to work on things for a few weeks, but her emotional turmoil and immaturity at that point (she was still chatting to the same guy) was all the answer I needed. She was very confused by her feelings. Rationally, she knew that this relationship was great and should be fought for. We were best friends, highly compatible, almost effortless at times. Enjoyed the same things in life, similar career paths but different enough to grow together and learn from each other, and had the same life goals. Yes, we were long distance but had been for 2 years without much of a problem, and it was ending in a few months. Many of my friends and family commented on how good we were together.

 

But her emotions were not in it to commit to making the necessary changes. Breaking up threw her into panic and she sent me an email of remorse, literally dedicating her life to me at that point. She had had a moment of clarity, that she wanted me and no-one else. It must be genuine, I thought. But a few days later – and she was speaking to the guy during those days too – we met up and she was again confused and “needed more time”. She was worried about losing the comfort of our relationship more than anything. To her, we seemed more like best friends than a couple. We split for good then. It had been a month since finding the messages; time was not on her or my side.

 

I know this was the right decision, but the pain is still real for me. This is someone I expected to marry and have kids with. We both had spoken about that at points in our relationship. I would like to have thought we could have given each other another try in a few months time when the distance was cut.

 

This whole thing has made me think more about relationships than I ever have, and what long-term relationships are about. I have read a number of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” cases on here and elsewhere. They seem to build up over a number of months or years without effective communication. Maybe there’s an element of the Grass is Greener Syndrome too. For my ex-girlfriend, meeting a guy that was attracted to her and her to him was a catalyst for thinking things could be better. If she could fall for someone that quickly, her current relationship mustn’t be right. If she hadn’t of met him, we probably would have spoken about things at some point more honestly.

 

Were we perfect? No. I made compromises throughout our relationship, mainly with our sex life. I still enjoyed sex with her when it happened; the spark at those moments was still there for me. But I had to compromise with frequency and not having sex at particular moments when she’d rather cuddle. She made a big decision to stick with me LD also, which I’ll always appreciate her for.

 

To me, love is as much as a decision as a feeling. We had chemistry at the start. Great chemistry. This matured into a more profound love and commitment for each other. I knew that I wanted to marry her 6 months after starting our LDR. The support I received from her at that time was amazing. In hindsight, I should have told her that a lot more. Despite her imperfections, this was someone that I was willing to commit my life to through good and bad times.

 

I’m interested in how many other people who have been through similar experiences, or who have felt a lack of spark with their SO, feel similarly? Or am I being unrealistic?

 

For me, relationships come in many different categories. Yes, some are excellent the whole way through at one end of the scale, while others are completely dysfunctional. But there’s a sizeable grey area in between problems will arise and require communication to get through. The people that actually work on it together, keeping the wider perspective in life, are those that stick together. Perhaps some things are non-negotiable, and the relationship will end. But in many cases I have read about, the grass is unlikely to be greener on the other side, because the problems in a relationship are a combination of the relationship itself and the people in it. The grass may just be different.

 

Even at the end, she admitted that she was unlikely to find someone like me again. Someone she was so comfortable with, who she was compatible with in many respects. We weren't sick of each other, we weren't arguing, we never tired of each other's company. Even in the final few weeks, we were respectful to each other and having fun.

 

I wished my ex-girlfriend had the maturity to come to me earlier in our relationship and communicate her feelings. We had a number of discussions about our sex life and my worries about it lacking something, so I can hold my head high in the knowledge that I tried my best. I tried to initiate the conversations and then I wanted her to take that in her stride and decide what she would like to do to improve things. If we’d worked together more at that point, we could have taken our intimacy to another level and not have fallen into the pattern we did. Or we could have come to a mutually respectful decision to end things on good terms, rather than her cheating on me and deceiving me. I do believe that our issues were not specific to our relationship. Her previous relationships ended in similar ways. A lack of spark and a failing sex life. I hope she does some serious introspection, and recognises what she has lost in this relationship.

 

I’ve learnt that I have a healthy view of long-term relationships. I can love people for who they are, see relationships as teamwork, make compromises where they need to be made, and commit to the person through good and bad times. I’m not scared of feeling comfortable with some – I wouldn’t want anything else after 6 years together. I’m not scared of feeling attraction to other people either, but will never cheat on my partner for a fling and fleeting feelings of how things could be better. If things could be better, I will speak to them first and try to initiate those changes together.

 

Sorry for the ramblings. Any other thoughts are welcome!

[Jeetsun]

Sounds like you took away some positive lessons in this which is what relationships are about. Learning. I know you looked at this or presented it in a way of would have could have should have, but those thoughts are pointless. Any number of variables could have happened at any given time that could of made things worse or better. It ended up the way it did and there's no other way it could have gone in the grand scheme of things. Regarding the infamous line of of I love you but am not in love with you is a means of breaking up in a non-confrontational manner. I see the translation as my feelings have changed.

 

That's the constant in life though, things are always changing. How you feel about a person one day or hell one minute might differ in the next. One day you're the perfect couple, the next week you're no longer together. I think the temperance of thought when entering into a relationship is to acknowledge from the get go that this might not last and this person could potentially hurt me, its the risk one takes choosing to be vulnerable. All one can do is put their best foot forward in a relationship and learn and grow from it. It's a slightly morbid way to look at things, but all relationships come to an end at some point, either by way of disconnect or loss of life. Puts things in perspective.

[Andrina]

It will take you a while to mourn this long relationship, but it will happen if you go no contact. In my opinion, people with different libidos should never be together. The person who has a lower one always feels pressured. The person who has a higher libido always feels frustrated and undesirable. I don't believe compromise is very effective with this issue. I think similar libidos should be a must have in any relationship, as well as having the same relationship boundaries. Hers was different, as she engaged in a close relationship with a person of the opposite sex with her emotional affair. She engaged in inappropriate behavior. I'm sure she had her good qualities, but this behavior she engaged in overstepped boundaries and there was no excuse for it.

 

You've now analyzed your relationship, which is part of the process of getting over it. Your next step is to realize fate has a different path for you in life now. You've learned what you want and what you don't want in a future relationship. With that knowledge, you should be able to choose more wisely next time, and make sure you cut off relationships where a woman doesn't meet all of your main needs. Don't be so nurturing and compromising to your own detriment. You sound like a great catch. Make sure a woman is worthy of you. Take care.

[throwitaway201]

Sounds like you took away some positive lessons in this which is what relationships are about. Learning. I know you looked at this or presented it in a way of would have could have should have, but those thoughts are pointless. Any number of variables could have happened at any given time that could of made things worse or better. It ended up the way it did and there's no other way it could have gone in the grand scheme of things. Regarding the infamous line of of I love you but am not in love with you is a means of breaking up in a non-confrontational manner. I see the translation as my feelings have changed.

 

That's the constant in life though, things are always changing. How you feel about a person one day or hell one minute might differ in the next. One day you're the perfect couple, the next week you're no longer together. I think the temperance of thought when entering into a relationship is to acknowledge from the get go that this might not last and this person could potentially hurt me, its the risk one takes choosing to be vulnerable. All one can do is put their best foot forward in a relationship and learn and grow from it. It's a slightly morbid way to look at things, but all relationships come to an end at some point, either by way of disconnect or loss of life. Puts things in perspective.

 

Thanks for your response! Yes, it's difficult to swallow, but life is always changing. I was willing to change with her. She felt we were drifting apart when I felt we were growing together in a long term relationship, and was looking forward to the next years together. She was my first long-term girlfriend and I thought I'd hit the jackpot in life by being with someone who I liked so much, and who I thought liked me the same way.

[throwitaway201]

It will take you a while to mourn this long relationship, but it will happen if you go no contact. In my opinion, people with different libidos should never be together. The person who has a lower one always feels pressured. The person who has a higher libido always feels frustrated and undesirable. I don't believe compromise is very effective with this issue. I think similar libidos should be a must have in any relationship, as well as having the same relationship boundaries. Hers was different, as she engaged in a close relationship with a person of the opposite sex with her emotional affair. She engaged in inappropriate behavior. I'm sure she had her good qualities, but this behavior she engaged in overstepped boundaries and there was no excuse for it.

 

You've now analyzed your relationship, which is part of the process of getting over it. Your next step is to realize fate has a different path for you in life now. You've learned what you want and what you don't want in a future relationship. With that knowledge, you should be able to choose more wisely next time, and make sure you cut off relationships where a woman doesn't meet all of your main needs. Don't be so nurturing and compromising to your own detriment. You sound like a great catch. Make sure a woman is worthy of you. Take care.

 

Thanks! Even looking back, I was okay with mismatched libidos. I think that, although it could frustrate me at times, I saw it as one part of a whole with her and everything else was so compatible, that everything else was worth it. I don't know, maybe I'm being shortsighted here and time in no contact will actually show that to me.