Stepmom

[debbiel]

Wait so this is just for summer?

Just for 2 weeks of summer. I asked him to ask her to watch them for 2 weeks of summer. That's it. I've had all the kids all summer.

[Seraphim]

Okay , you need to be truthful with yourself and him. If this summer is a disaster for you and you are exhausted and resentful you don't really support him 100% getting 100% custody . Because that simply makes no sense .

 

There's nothing wrong in saying I can't do this job . If you don't want to look after somebody else's children then you just don't marry somebody with children . Period. Does this make you a horrible? Well, no. It means you bit off more than you can chew . However these children deserve to be loved and wanted and not resented in what is their home . When they live with their father that is their home .

[lostandhurt]

You aren't being selfish you are being realistic. How long do you think you can keep this up? Is this what you signed up for when you married him? I doubt it.

 

If his ex wife refuses to be a good mother then that is his problem not yours. It sounds like you have been more than patient and a good caregiver to all the children while he is at work all day. I wonder how much help he is when he gets home.

 

So when he gets home today or tomorrow meet him at the door and tell him you are going out to visit your sister, friend or whatever. Let him cook dinner and entertain the kids 3 days a week and see if his attitude changes.

 

It sounds like he basically wants you to take up ALL the slack his ex isn't willing to do. That simply is not fair.

 

If the ex will not be a good mother then file for child support from her so some sort of daycare can be factored into this whole equation.

 

I don't see this as you being selfish, I see this as him not stepping up and putting his foot down because he has you to do all the work.

 

Lost

[jennylove]

I think your best bet is to post this and any other step parenting issues at steptalk.org

[debbiel]

Wait so this is just for summer?

And btw, his daughter wanted to move in full time. I supported that fully. I also said if his son wants to it's fine. His son does,want to be here. This is his home. What I needed was 2 weeks. A break. Technically this is her part of the summer.

[jennylove]

You need to put the kids first. Don't worry about or bother with their bio mom. If she is a flake, she is a flake. Just arrange for a babysitter or relative to come over once in awhile for a date night for the two of you. That's the break you should get.

 

This is on their dad. His kids, his responsibility to find babysitters when the BM flakes.

[debbiel]

Okay , you need to be truthful with yourself and him. If this summer is a disaster for you and you are exhausted and resentful you don't really support him 100% getting 100% custody . Because that simply makes no sense .

 

There's nothing wrong in saying I can't do this job . If you don't want to look after somebody else's children then you just don't marry somebody with children . Period. Does this make you a horrible? Well, no. It means you bit off more than you can chew . However these children deserve to be loved and wanted and not resented in what is their home . When they live with their father that is their home .

I'm exhausted because of anxiety and the medicine making me tired. I also have a lot to do for work before I go back Monday. It's not the kids. I don't resent them. I do resent their mom.

[debbiel]

You aren't being selfish you are being realistic. How long do you think you can keep this up? Is this what you signed up for when you married him? I doubt it.

 

If his ex wife refuses to be a good mother then that is his problem not yours. It sounds like you have been more than patient and a good caregiver to all the children while he is at work all day. I wonder how much help he is when he gets home.

 

So when he gets home today or tomorrow meet him at the door and tell him you are going out to visit your sister, friend or whatever. Let him cook dinner and entertain the kids 3 days a week and see if his attitude changes.

 

It sounds like he basically wants you to take up ALL the slack his ex isn't willing to do. That simply is not fair.

 

If the ex will not be a good mother then file for child support from her so some sort of daycare can be factored into this whole equation.

 

I don't see this as you being selfish, I see this as him not stepping up and putting his foot down because he has you to do all the work.

 

Lost

Thank you very much

[arjumand]

I have 2 words for you -- day camp. It's is fine to have the children all summer but it is not your job to keep them occupied. It is also unreasonable for your husband to think you are a built in babysitter.

[debbiel]

This is on their dad. His kids, his responsibility to find babysitters when the BM flakes.

Thank you very much

[Seraphim]

I'm exhausted because of anxiety and the medicine making me tired. I also have a lot to do for work before I go back Monday. It's not the kids. I don't resent them. I do resent their mom.

Unfortunately he can't change his ex.. can you hire a babysitter for during the day for a few weeks?

[Starlight925]

You aren't being selfish you are being realistic. How long do you think you can keep this up? Is this what you signed up for when you married him? I doubt it.

 

If his ex wife refuses to be a good mother then that is his problem not yours. It sounds like you have been more than patient and a good caregiver to all the children while he is at work all day. I wonder how much help he is when he gets home.

 

So when he gets home today or tomorrow meet him at the door and tell him you are going out to visit your sister, friend or whatever. Let him cook dinner and entertain the kids 3 days a week and see if his attitude changes.

 

It sounds like he basically wants you to take up ALL the slack his ex isn't willing to do. That simply is not fair.

 

If the ex will not be a good mother then file for child support from her so some sort of daycare can be factored into this whole equation.

 

I don't see this as you being selfish, I see this as him not stepping up and putting his foot down because he has you to do all the work.

 

Lost

 

I agree completely with this. You sound like a wonderful mother, who is willing to help with his children. This is about his ex seemingly just absconding from her responsibilities when she feels like it. I bet she has a new boyfriend, and she decides to just "forget" about her child when her boyfriend is around. Pure speculation.

 

You just want her to be a responsible parent. And you want him to stand up to her and own her responsibilities.

 

He needs to go back to court and get a very well-defined custody arrangement, and hold her to it.

 

Look, this is for the children's sake. Poor children think their own mother doesn't even want to be with them. Which is true, but sad.

 

The children will appreciate you helping with the slack, but this is not your battle to fight.

 

Can't believe that just anyone can become a parent. She should be ashamed of herself. No wonder she's his "ex".

[debbiel]

After reading the response, I feel so much more guilty. I feel like I'm horrible. I wasn't rejecting them. I was asking for help. I never said they couldn't be here. Ever. I just asked to not watch them alone for 2 weeks. I need time. Since reading how other people see it I can't stop crying.

[Starlight925]

After reading the response, I feel so much more guilty. I feel like I'm horrible. I wasn't rejecting them. I was asking for help. I never said they couldn't be here. Ever. I just asked to not watch them alone for 2 weeks. I need time. Since reading how other people see it I can't stop crying.

 

You and I may have cross-posted. Please read my post, above. I don't believe you're horrible....please read what I wrote.

[debbiel]

I agree completely with this. You sound like a wonderful mother, who is willing to help with his children. This is about his ex seemingly just absconding from her responsibilities when she feels like it. I bet she has a new boyfriend, and she decides to just "forget" about her child when her boyfriend is around. Pure speculation.

 

You just want her to be a responsible parent. And you want him to stand up to her and own her responsibilities.

 

He needs to go back to court and get a very well-defined custody arrangement, and hold her to it.

 

Look, this is for the children's sake. Poor children think their own mother doesn't even want to be with them. Which is true, but sad.

 

The children will appreciate you helping with the slack, but this is not your battle to fight.

 

Can't believe that just anyone can become a parent.

Thank you. I appreciate that

[debbiel]

You and I may have cross-posted. Please read my post, above. I don't believe you're horrible....please read what I wrote.

You're right. I wrote it in the wrong place. I meant it about most of the responses. I never intended that for you. So sorry.

[debbiel]

Unfortunately he can't change his ex.. can you hire a babysitter for during the day for a few weeks?

I really can't. We have 4 kids. I have to feed them all.

[DanZee]

I'm sorry it seems like you're being attacked, but I think I've figured out what's wrong and that you've phrased your question totally wrong. Your question has nothing to do with being a stepmom or having all of the step kids all summer, or having to deal with your husband's ex-wife. Sure these are pressure points. But the bottom line is that YOU'RE EXHAUSTED! If you had just talked about having to work and take care of four kids at the same time, people here would have gotten to the heart of the real question a lot more quickly.

 

Technically, you're suffering from depression. We all get that from time to time. Some are able to bounce back. Others are trapped by it. So what can you do?

 

Sit down with your husband and tell him you need HIS help to get over this period of time. Tell him you're clinically depressed (not just sad or down.) If he refuses, tell him you're going to have a breakdown if he doesn't help. You need some "me" time for yourself. And you want to take your daughter with you for at least a week. Don't be afraid to cry in front of him. Tell him that this has NOTHING to do with his kids. It has NOTHING to do with his ex-wife. Tell him you love them all (You can lie a little here.) But tell him that you need him to be a DAD for the next four weeks! That if he can do that you will be able to handle the kids in the Fall.

 

If he won't help, go to the doctor and see if you can get a temporary prescription for Zoloft or one of the other similar drugs. These drugs work best if you can use them temporarily to feel better for the next few weeks. That will keep you from falling completely apart. But you need some help right now.

 

Also consider hiring people and make hubby pay for it. And don't be afraid to hire any help you can. Maybe tell your parents and have them help out as well as any friends of relatives. Parent counselling can help. I read through many step-parent websites and I didn't see any real solutions, just biblical quotes and clever slogans. But keep in mind it's not your fault. Nobody's helping you. You haven't had a break and you really need some help both physically and mentally.

[debbiel]

I'm sorry it seems like you're being attacked, but I think I've figured out what's wrong and that you've phrased your question totally wrong. Your question has nothing to do with being a stepmom or having all of the step kids all summer, or having to deal with your husband's ex-wife. Sure these are pressure points. But the bottom line is that YOU'RE EXHAUSTED! If you had just talked about having to work and take care of four kids at the same time, people here would have gotten to the heart of the real question a lot more quickly.

 

Technically, you're suffering from depression. We all get that from time to time. Some are able to bounce back. Others are trapped by it. So what can you do?

 

Sit down with your husband and tell him you need HIS help to get over this period of time. Tell him you're clinically depressed (not just sad or down.) If he refuses, tell him you're going to have a breakdown if he doesn't help. You need some "me" time for yourself. And you want to take your daughter with you for at least a week. Don't be afraid to cry in front of him. Tell him that this has NOTHING to do with his kids. It has NOTHING to do with his ex-wife. Tell him you love them all (You can lie a little here.) But tell him that you need him to be a DAD for the next four weeks! That if he can do that you will be able to handle the kids in the Fall.

 

If he won't help, go to the doctor and see if you can get a temporary prescription for Zoloft or one of the other similar drugs. These drugs work best if you can use them temporarily to feel better for the next few weeks. That will keep you from falling completely apart. But you need some help right now.

 

Also consider hiring people and make hubby pay for it. And don't be afraid to hire any help you can. Maybe tell your parents and have them help out as well as any friends of relatives. Parent counselling can help. I read through many step-parent websites and I didn't see any real solutions, just biblical quotes and clever slogans. But keep in mind it's not your fault. Nobody's helping you. You haven't had a break and you really need some help both physically and mentally.

Thank you so much for the response

[chitown9]

I don't think that you are a horrible person. I think that the natural mother of your step children is the horrible person, and she is taking advantage of you. You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband about how you feel and WHAT YOU NEED. Please keep us posted as to the resolution of this matter. We care.... chi

[chitown9]

I agree completely with this. You sound like a wonderful mother, who is willing to help with his children.

 

"Lost" is actually a man. He has offered insightful advice on this site for years. Just wanted to make that clarification.

[debbiel]

I don't think that you are a horrible person. I think that the natural mother of your step children is the horrible person, and she is taking advantage of you. You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband about how you feel and WHAT YOU NEED. Please keep us posted as to the resolution of this matter. We care.... chi

Thank you so much for the kind response. I will talk to him

[abitbroken]

He tells me I'm a great mom. He says I do so much for his kids. I asked for a break. I felt guilty doing it. I almost didnt. I'm exhausted. I do resent mom. She's not a dead beat. She just needs a summer babysitter. I've done all I can all summer for all 4 of them. It's the first time I've had to do that. And the anxiety and depression make it hard. I always put the kids first. For once I asked for help and advocated for my needs. Now, reading how everyone else sees it I just feel like a selfish and horrible person. I shouldn't have remarried.

 

You are not a horrible person for needing a break --- but its the way you said it.. its one thing to ask your husband to watch ALL of the kids so you can have some me time. But you initially were seperating out the kids and making it like you only wanted your daughter. Being overwhelmed with all the kids and needing a break is understandable --- but that's not how it was originally painted--- if you want a break -- get a break from all the kids and have some me time but don't create seperation for the kids. You have plenty of time during the school year with just your daughter because the others don't live with you full time.

 

And I have 2 kids also. My son is uncomfortable with my son. My son doesn't feel loved. I have a good relationship with his son. He says he loves them all the same. It's not exactly true

 

I am not following this...my son is uncomfortable with my son...please clarify?

 

Until today, I have never said they couldn't be here. Anything I have done they've all been included. After months of having to cancel appointments and give away tickets because she decided at the last minute she couldn't take them I asked for a break- while he's at work. He's picking them up after work. When he's here they are here this week

 

This also happens with biological kids. My parents had all these plans and then one of my siblings got unpredictably sick with a chronic illness. They were no longer able to do what they wanted and it wasn't as simple as leaving the younger kids with the older kids to go out. My sibling turned the corner and seemed to be stable/better for awhile and then something would take downturn. I understand you have had to cancel a lot but that's lifve with kids. BUT do you and your husband have a babysitter so you can have the odd datenight?

[debbiel]

You are not a horrible person for needing a break --- but its the way you said it.. its one thing to ask your husband to watch ALL of the kids so you can have some me time. But you initially were seperating out the kids and making it like you only wanted your daughter. Being overwhelmed with all the kids and needing a break is understandable --- but that's not how it was originally painted--- if you want a break -- get a break from all the kids and have some me time but don't create seperation for the kids. You have plenty of time during the school year with just your daughter because the others don't live with you full time.

 

 

 

I am not following this...my son is uncomfortable with my son...please clarify?

 

 

 

This also happens with biological kids. My parents had all these plans and then one of my siblings got unpredictably sick with a chronic illness. They were no longer able to do what they wanted and it wasn't as simple as leaving the younger kids with the older kids to go out. My sibling turned the corner and seemed to be stable/better for awhile and then something would take downturn. I understand you have had to cancel a lot but that's lifve with kids. BUT do you and your husband have a babysitter so you can have the odd datenight?

She has primary custody. The reason I asked her to take them is because per the custody agreement this is her part of the summer with them. Per the agreement they spent the first part of the summer with us. She kept putting off and pushing back the date she would take them. She did this because she knew I would watch them. This made it easier for her to do what she wants and not need babysitters. She did this without speaking to me. She sat in court when we tried to get custody crying that she couldn't lose her kids.

She's not a horrible person. The kids are taken care of when at her home. I feel she is taking advantage of me as she sees me as free babysitting.

I'm not trying to force her to watch them for me. I'm trying to make her be responsible.

As for canceling plans. I have no problem canceling when one of the kids are sick. Obviously, I already know this happens with biological kids. I have stayed home when my stepchild was sick. That never bothers me. My issue is canceling plans to suit their biological mother because she wants more free time.

[debbiel]

You are not a horrible person for needing a break --- but its the way you said it.. its one thing to ask your husband to watch ALL of the kids so you can have some me time. But you initially were seperating out the kids and making it like you only wanted your daughter. Being overwhelmed with all the kids and needing a break is understandable --- but that's not how it was originally painted--- if you want a break -- get a break from all the kids and have some me time but don't create seperation for the kids. You have plenty of time during the school year with just your daughter because the others don't live with you full time.

 

 

 

I am not following this...my son is uncomfortable with my son...please clarify?

 

 

 

This also happens with biological kids. My parents had all these plans and then one of my siblings got unpredictably sick with a chronic illness. They were no longer able to do what they wanted and it wasn't as simple as leaving the younger kids with the older kids to go out. My sibling turned the corner and seemed to be stable/better for awhile and then something would take downturn. I understand you have had to cancel a lot but that's lifve with kids. BUT do you and your husband have a babysitter so you can have the odd datenight?

The part about my son that confused you was a typo. Not really worth explaining again.

She has primary custody. The reason I asked her to take them is because per the custody agreement this is her part of the summer with them. Per the agreement they spent the first part of the summer with us. She kept putting off and pushing back the date she would take them. She did this because she knew I would watch them. This made it easier for her to do what she wants and not need babysitters. She did this without speaking to me. She sat in court when we tried to get custody crying that she couldn't lose her kids.

She's not a horrible person. The kids are taken care of when at her home. I feel she is taking advantage of me as she sees me as free babysitting.

I'm not trying to force her to watch them for me. I'm trying to make her be responsible.

As for canceling plans. I have no problem canceling when one of the kids are sick. Obviously, I already know this happens with biological kids. I have stayed home when my stepchild was sick. That never bothers me. My issue is canceling plans to suit their biological mother because she wants more free time.