PLEASE ADVICE!! Accused of cheating and broken up with.

[Snj9409]

I have been with this man for 8 years, needless to say it's been rough, moay of our relationship he has accused me of cheating. When I just absolutely haven't. About a year into our relationship we split up and we both did things with other people, after getting back together after this, we did have break ups but never considered us to be separated, we always continued as if we were a couple without the title until we would eventually get back together.

 

In the past 3-4 months he has because irrational and erratic, accusing me left and right.

 

We do not love together in fact we were planning to, but we got into a huge fight I left he stayed where he lived and I went home which is about an hour away.

 

In the past 3-4 months he will tell me he's seen me with his friends, at places he's at, he's heard stories from people that I don't even know about me, that I'm giving them money, cheating on him, and more.

 

Accusing me of knowing people I don't know, running away from him when he "sees" me, being in different places than I am.

 

Mind you I'm home, and looking for a job... that's it.

I defend myself and tell him he's wrong, that's not true, I wouldn't do that, I've told him he's crazy, and seeing things.

 

Now he has just broken up with me, telling me that I've cheated on him again, and that he knows I'm "around" and he's seen me, and this that and the third.

Please understand I have found out in the last 5 months he has slept with more girls than admitted to, and have verbal, and physical contact with women. Basically cheating on me. I then found out he was talking to women and "hanging out" further back into our relationship, I don't think he's cheated the entire time, but given the lies that have surfaced finding out he's talking to females, hanging out with them, getting pictures, he slept with 2 women that I just found out about, and I'm sure there is more he's hiding. but I stayed, forgave him. Tried to make it work. All while he accused me of cheating and doing things I would never do.

 

I am just absolutely destroyed, for years I have put up with this , and his cheating, and his mistreatment.

 

I love him so much, it kills me.

I'm the type of person that sees the good in everyone and 8 years is a very long time.

 

I feel I can't do this, what can I do! He just said to leave him alone, stop contacting him and that it's over. And I'm sitting here trying to plead my case, and tell him I love him and he's better than this and it's not true, and that I would never do this to him.

 

I have been through so much in my life, and so many horrific things have happened to me, so when I choose to love, I love so hard.

Now I'm alone, accused of things I wouldn't do, crushed to the pit of my heart and soul.

 

He doesn't show any sign of remorse or guilt for doing this to me. He is just so "sure" about this. He's okay with just leaving me and moving on. And I'm left broken.

 

Please any advice would help. I'm so incredibly sad right now, I've been crying for days. Today he just ended it, not even listen to me.

I have done nothing wrong in any way shape or form, I don't even flirt for gods sake!

 

So content in my relationship with him I only wanted him, and never even thought up the idea of cheating.

This is insane to me, and I don't know what to do.

[Mia123]

I understand your pain. My ex broke up with me because he thought I cheated, but I understand him thinking that because of What I did but it was no cheating. But let me tell you one thing if a man is always accusing you of cheating then he is the one cheating. When people are doing wrong things, they will think that people they are with are doing the same thing. And if he's been cheating alot I'm sorry to tell you that he will never change. It's best for you to try to move on but maybe that is not What you want, but you have to think about yourself, there will be a better man for you. Im going through a difficult time to move on, and I don't want to, so for me giving you this advise to move on is a little bit ironic. But I know if my ex had cheated on me a lot, I don't think I could go back to that even if I wanted. Take a time for yourself, maybe you will find that in the mean time that he is not right for you. Good luck with everything!

[MissCanuck]

Your ex sounds an awful lot like one of mine. Mine was not mentally stable; your ex sounds equally erratic and unbalanced.

 

He accuses you of cheating because that is what he is doing. It's projection. My ex did the same thing. I was constantly bombarded with completely baseless accusations, and vague "I know what you did!"-type threats. Absolutely none of it was true. I too used to try to convince my ex that I wanted only him, but he was having none of it. Why? Because really, he didn't want me. He liked keeping me away so he could do whatever and whomever he wanted. These guys don't care if the accusations are true not, and very likely know they're often totally false. But that's not what's important to them. The importance lies in maintaining their power to manipulate and control their partners, to keep them right where they want them (under their thumbs, clambering to apologize for things we didn't do) until they're done with us and move along to the next target. It's all about their egos and getting their needs and desires met. Yours aren't a consideration.

 

This isn't love, OP. That's why your ex (and mine) was able to just walk away. He's not emotionally attached the way you are, not anymore. Eight years is a long time - far too long. You need to start working on your self-worth and ask yourself why you are tolerating a man who mistreats you like this. He isn't going to change. After 8 years, you know this. You have become dependent on him for your self-esteem so you're trying to make him come back so you can feel you're worth it. But this guy can't give you value - only you can do that.

 

You will find this very hard, but you need to let go of him. There's no happy ending with a man like this. Yes, it's scary after that long together. But it's far scarier to waste another 8 years on a dead-end relationship with a dud like him.