Honest or Opportunistic: Is it every okay to pursue a woman in a relationship?

[ADecentMan]

Hello, everyone. This is my first post and I am not sure exactly how this works. I am going to try and provide you with the information needed to promote advice from members of this forum. However, if the following information does not sufficiently explain my situation then please let me know and I will elaborate as needed.

I am currently facing a, for me, serious predicament. Over the past six weeks I have developed an attraction for a woman I am working with. (This attraction and interest represents no professional conflict of interest in case anyone was curious). This woman is intelligent, engaging, dynamic, and beautiful. In the weeks that we have know each other we have developed a serious dialectic and honest quasi-friendship that is predicated on trust and openness. She seems to enjoy my company and I can relate to her in meaningful ways. (She has also dropped hints that would imply a mutual attraction, though one she does not seem to be comfortable with for reasons you will see below.) And for me, that is a rarity. I am an extreme introvert who does not make connections easily-I actually don’t make connections at all. As a result, this attraction that I feel is confusing for me.

The major conflict I have now is not risking a friendship by telling her how I feel. My attraction to her would make a long-term friendship very difficult. I don’t think I could sustain it because I do want more and as a result the friendship would be unhealthy, at least for me. And it might cause me to enact a self-serving agenda that would be unfair to her. She is in a long (around 2.5 year) term relationship with another man. I know, based on our conversations, that they are having issues but that she still cares for him and they are trying to work through them. Here is my problem. I have always tried to be respectful in every possible sense of the word to other people. As a result I am afraid of letting this woman know how I feel because I don’t want to insult her relationship and I don’t want to feel like some sort of opportunistic vulture who might (and I admit this is an overly optimistic outcome) cause this woman, who I care about, to jeopardize a good relationship with an uncertain possibility with me. Perhaps I am just holding on to old ideas about chivalry and being a decent man, but because of my lack of experience I don’t know if that is the case. What I don’t want to do is make the mistake of using antiquated or misguided convictions as an excuse to prevent me from taking a chance on the possibility of something good happening. I have never liked uncertainty and the various outcomes of my actions in this situation are causing me a great deal of anxiety. Does anyone who has faced a similar situation think they might be able to provide me with some informed advice?

[Seraphim]

No, it is never ok.

[j.man]

I'd say no. And even if it were ever "okay," why would you? So you can win her and wonder about what men she's giving the time a day to behind your own back?

[Hollyj]

It would be wrong and disrespectful, as she is in a relationship - dude, put yourself in her boyfriend's shoes.

 

If you can't control your feeling, then stay away. She should be telling her bf about the problems, not you.

 

You know the difference between right and wrong. Do you really need to ask.

[happyfrank]

Let's say. She likes you too and breaks up with boyfriend. 4 months along the lines her emotional connection comes back and runs back with ex or simply wants to be single. Sounds like your her emotional friend that tells you details of her life.

 

This is a lose,lose situation.

[HeartGoesOn]

If this were to happen, your grand prize would be a woman who cheats on her boyfriend, and/or, a woman who would bail out of a relationship to chase a fantasy. Also, history has a tendency to repeat itself.

 

Your call...

[ADecentMan]

Based on the responses I have already received, it seems that everyone is of a similar consensus. And it’s the same consensus that I came to. I had already thought of these possibilities, chief among them that mine would not be the conduct of a responsible or decent person. I just needed other, unbiased opinions to help me reinforce and validate my own conclusion. It is nice to know that there are people who still believe in doing the right thing even if it is not easy. Thank you all.

[DancingFool]

For you to have a chance at a healthy relationship with her, she would need to become single of her own free will and choice that has nothing to do with you whatsoever. In other words she would have to reach a point where she ends the relationship with her current bf and is actually emotionally available for someone new and is actually free to pursue that.

 

Outside of the above, assuming she even ends up breaking up with her bf and dating you, shadow of how you got there will poison your relationship forever. Every time she mentions some guy from work, every time she comes home late - you will be sweating and wondering what she is up to.

 

More realistically though, always take people whining about their relationship problems with a giant grain of salt. For the most part people will use you as a shoulder to cry on if you are a willing listener but then stay loyal to their relationship and work their stuff out. In your shoes, I'd distance myself from her and stop being her girlfriend in pants listening to her relationship issues. Next time she tries to bring up this topic, change the subject or simply walk away.

[vesper]

You know if you don't tell her how you feel she may never be single again and you may have lost out on a great relationship and life together. I know it seems unethical but sometimes you just have to make the right choices for what is best for you.

[Nina95]

Obviously you have never experienced the pain of infidelity, be it emotional or physical. She is in a relationship with someone else. She shouldn't be seeking attention from another man. This is how it starts 9 times out of 10: under the guise of friendship, people seek validation and start sharing their relationship problems with new people they know they have the potential to develop an attraction for. This is already shady and disloyal behavior, even without the relationship going beyond platonic.

 

Do you think she doesn't already know you are attracted to her? She knows alright. And you too know this is wrong, you should really reconsider and stop. If you go out to lunch or coffee or whatever ocassionally, just stop. There is no real friendship here, you people just met. There are only 2 people indulging in the ego boost and thrill of it all, who know what they are doing is wrong: She is taken and talking to you even being slightly flirty sometimes, a person who is a perfect stranger, about her relationship (and Im pretty sure her boyfriend does not know this); You know she is taken and are attracted to her not as a friend but as a romantic partner. These are the facts and yet you both continue disguising it as friendship.

 

The fact that she is doing this does not speak well of her as a partner. She could easily do the same to you. Put yourself in her partner's shoes as well how would you feel if your girl went behind your back with this shady behavior.

[Nina95]

For you to have a chance at a healthy relationship with her, she would need to become single of her own free will and choice that has nothing to do with you whatsoever. In other words she would have to reach a point where she ends the relationship with her current bf and is actually emotionally available for someone new and is actually free to pursue that.

 

Outside of the above, assuming she even ends up breaking up with her bf and dating you, shadow of how you got there will poison your relationship forever. Every time she mentions some guy from work, every time she comes home late - you will be sweating and wondering what she is up to.

 

More realistically though, always take people whining about their relationship problems with a giant grain of salt. For the most part people will use you as a shoulder to cry on if you are a willing listener but then stay loyal to their relationship and work their stuff out. In your shoes, I'd distance myself from her and stop being her girlfriend in pants listening to her relationship issues. Next time she tries to bring up this topic, change the subject or simply walk away.

Yes to all of the above. Walk away indeed.

[LaHermes]

Right choices are never unethical.

 

I wish people would stop living in fairy-land.

[JaggerJim]

It's better to let her come to you. Nothing wrong with having a friendship with her, just don't cross the line until she's single. The ball is all in her court.

[boltnrun]

Are you sure she's not just an outgoing, friendly person? That she's not attracted to you but instead you are projecting?

 

There is a young woman at my work who is terrific...outgoing, friendly, funny, pretty, the whole package. And she's outgoing and friendly to everyone. One of the HR reps at work (yep, he works in HR!) asked her for a date. She politely thanked him and told him she was flattered but she had a long-term boyfriend. The HR rep became furious, accusing her of "leading him on" because she was friendly toward him. She did no such thing, he just PERCEIVED it that way.

 

So, not only is "confessing" your feelings unethical, but you may end up embarrassed if she doesn't feel toward you the way you think she does.

[Honeycomb8]

Taken people are off limits.

[uknown25]

You know if you don't tell her how you feel she may never be single again and you may have lost out on a great relationship and life together. I know it seems unethical but sometimes you just have to make the right choices for what is best for you.

 

I agree-- sometimes society just follows "this one way".. and lose something big ... I've decided to live off the path followed.. she might be in a bad situation and he will help her out...