NC to breadcrumbs to dumper back in full force... advice?

[Jk1989]

Hi everyone, hoping I can get some insight..

 

On July 6th, my ex bf broke up with me due to something he over reacted about, that he did.. and I confront him about it(found out he watches porn). We were together for two months.

 

Immediately after the break up, I made some mistakes and begged, I was pushy, and a super emotional roller coaster. Due to my begging and pleading, it pushed him away more. I very quickly went on no contact to get my sanity back and to start the healing process.

 

A week after the break up, he started up with the bread crumbs. He saw some photos of me and felt the need to text me and compliment me. For the next couple weeks he would reply to public snaps, he did it a couple times. He would text and tell me hope I'm doing well and little things. I was always short, but polite and took a little extra time to respond.

 

It's been about 4 weeks since the break up. And he CRACKED!

 

Last Thursday he texted me out of the blue and said "I feel like nothing to you" and I'm thinking... you broke up with me? I'm trying to pick myself up off the ground where you left me. But from the text we chatted a bit and have been each day since then. I was taking my time responding, he started to crack little by little. He was getting impatient through text, and I will say I enjoyed this a bit. To see a dumper crack. Then two days ago, he comes over really really late.. he wants to talk and he tells me he wants to work on us (I basically sat and just listened to him for a while).For the first time ever he told me he LOVES me and that I am the 2nd girl he's ever told that to. He probably told me like 80 times how much he missed me and all this other stuff.

 

I just hope that everything he told me was genuine.

Saying you love someone is a huge deal to me and it scared me. I couldn't say it back.

 

While we weren't talking, it hurt me and turned me off that he would follow/like/comment all these random girls on insyagram. I hated that. It hurt me so much I had to unfollow him.

 

I think because of this it affected how I feel about him. I asked him about this and he told me yes he was trying to get over me and he didn't do anything. I know that he will have to build his trust back with me.

[13to50]

When you were broken up, he was free to do anything on social media and in real life. Don't get too torn about that. You thought you two were done, and so did he. But, since you went through this, you need to tell him what you want in a relationship. Do this in person, not through text. Tell him that you want an exclusive relationship then ASK HIM what he expects in a relationship. If you don't want him to watch porn, then you might as well just forget about him. That's a moral you have and you shouldn't shake it off because you like him. Some people will tell you "Oh it's just porn" but some people just don't mess with porn and that's OKAY. There's plenty of people that don't watch porn that will treat you right. I didn't start dating until my junior year of high school and on the first date of my now boyfriend we talked about what we thought about sex. It was because we saw a commercial so it was a easy transition but my point is you need to be open to yourself and this guy in what you both want.

[WonderingIf]

Not to belittle your situation, but if he is this wishy washy after 2 months, it's probably better to end your pain now and get it over with than do it 6 months + from now. Say i don't love you then I love you after two months; actually after 3 months of which 1 month was spent broken up is kind of f'd up to me. I really think you need to find yourself based on what you are saying here it sounds like you have a scarcity mindset instead of an abundance mindset. I understand you being frustrated by the porn thing, but his response also was childish by breaking up with you over it instead of saying he's going to work on it for you. My 2 cents.

[Giblesp]

If no porn is what you want, then you must find someone with a similar outlook. Him giving up looking at porn for you isnt going to work. You also have to describe what is porn, there's enough TV shown that have pretty much pornographic scenes in them. What if he gets turned on watching them? What happens if an attractive actor is nude and you find it arousing?

 

This will probably turn into another porn thread, but I'm going to say it. Its nobodies business if I, you, he or she watches porn. Everyone has their own privacy and private spaces in their minds.

 

And if you want to have a BF who doesn't watch porn, then you must also not be into attractive actors, celebrities or any male nudity whatsoever. Otherwise, it would be hypocritical.

[IAmFCA]

1. He broke up with you because you said you wouldn't withstand him watching porn. In a sense, you dumped him.

 

2. In your story, nobody loves anybody. Feelings of addiction , a crush, enchantment, etc cause the brain to have a chemical reaction that feels like love. You will have better judgment if you find someone with whom you share respect and affection.

 

Love is peaceful.

 

You will not ever be able to control someone else. You need to choose someone who has strong boundaries. Wait for trust to develop.

 

This one is not your guy.

[eidetic]

Porn use is usually a long-running habit that starts pretty early in life and well before significant romantic relationships enter the picture. It can either be ingrained and relatively benign, or can become authentic addiction with commensurate acting out behaviors and a fairly rotted view toward actual in-person partners. For the second possibility, if porn is something you will not withstand, it's to your benefit to recognize it as a "deal breaker" and to relinquish this partner and relationship for one that better and more safely aligns with your legitimate personal and relationship values.

 

His porn use does not necessarily mean he does not love you or does not find you attractive. It does probably mean that he can't see you in your valuable entirety. This may be about habituating to impersonal screen images, or it may be that the habit is an intimacy-avoidant mechanism. For that reason, it is ok to make a command decision to discontinue the partnership.

 

There are some levels of porn habit that are less toxic than others. But in any relationship examination of "why do you do this?" -- the answers are usually not immediately retrievable, or even known or understood by the porn user, and the risk is that this arena is often centered on a degree of secrecy and sometimes deep shame. Up to you whether to open that box: it can be a great opportunity for sharing and understanding and accepting one another, but it can also be destructive if improperly handled.

 

I wish you luck. This can be about acceptance of the partner's truths, and/or acceptance of your own. It's an unlikeable difference sometimes but I think it's never exactly meant personally.

[valavoo]

Porn use is usually a long-running habit that starts pretty early in life and well before significant romantic relationships enter the picture. It can either be ingrained and relatively benign, or can become authentic addiction with commensurate acting out behaviors and a fairly rotted view toward actual in-person partners. For the second possibility, if porn is something you will not withstand, it's to your benefit to recognize it as a "deal breaker" and to relinquish this partner and relationship for one that better and more safely aligns with your legitimate personal and relationship values.

 

His porn use does not necessarily mean he does not love you or does not find you attractive. It does probably mean that he can't see you in your valuable entirety. This may be about habituating to impersonal screen images, or it may be that the habit is an intimacy-avoidant mechanism. For that reason, it is ok to make a command decision to discontinue the partnership.

 

There are some levels of porn habit that are less toxic than others. But in any relationship examination of "why do you do this?" -- the answers are usually not immediately retrievable, or even known or understood by the porn user, and the risk is that this arena is often centered on a degree of secrecy and sometimes deep shame. Up to you whether to open that box: it can be a great opportunity for sharing and understanding and accepting one another, but it can also be destructive if improperly handled.

 

I wish you luck. This can be about acceptance of the partner's truths, and/or acceptance of your own. It's an unlikeable difference sometimes but I think it's never exactly meant personally.

 

I can be 100% honest here and say that I am into explicit materials like pornography and I am also fully attracted to and turned on by real humans as well. Unless porn interest is an addiction or results in a lack of understanding of real sexual chemistry, then I see no issue with it.