I feel like he's up to no good..intuition or over thinking??

[emthuggaxoxo]

I am new to this site so I apologize ahead of time if I am in the wrong forum. Again because I am new I do not know the regulations on commenting- I know some forum sites have none so that leaves a lot of room for hateful people to squeeze in their mean remarks so it would be greatly appreciated if you just left your advice or thoughts on what you would do if you put yourself in my situation in the comments

On to my story now though, I am 29 & have been in an off and on 'relationship' with my bf (25 y/o) for almost 3 years. We met officially in March of 2015 (even though we had worked together *AND STILL DO* for a couple of years prior, we just never spoke) started dating & then broke up around August 2015- so we did not actually date for very long before he broke up with me- and even after the break up we continued to see each other and hang out despite at times us both dating other people. During that time it was 100% me pursing any chance at us being back together and getting nothing in return, I am still certain I was being used then as his booty call. I spent many many nights crying myself to sleep, begging, basically degrading myself in any way I thought I could that may "keep" him with me. This went on forever, actually for just over a year. But around Sept/October of last year I did not even make any conscious decision to stop talking to him or seeing him, I just did.. I think my brain stepped in the place of my heart doing the thinking and the action of me cutting ties just followed. He noticed this and after over a year of basically playing me he came to me and said "I am losing you this time I feel it I know it, I have never felt like you would get away but now I think you're slipping away from me.." to that I told him yes, there would be nothing more between us and please move on with his life and for God sake let me move on with mine. He asked me to please give him a second chance at a real relationship he promises this time it won't be just him saying whatever to get in my pants, just let him show me.. I agreed. Everything has been great until lately.. My gut just feels like something is off. Example being - when we got back together I took the lock off my phone- now, I have never got in his phone to notice this so he could have always had the lock on but a month or so ago I noticed when he picked it up it promoted the code to be entered of course I was like hey wait that's not fair, after he's pitched a fit over mine.. he told me ok he would turn it off, he is sorry that he has had that phone for years and has not sat down to look through it (he had time though, because I did it for him) and he just did not want me to maybe look through it and see "OLD" things that may hurt me.. then he got a new phone about 2 weeks ago & he even said "alright, new phone gonna start fresh with this one and not sync my account to it, just start over with it, oh and that means no lock..".. but sure enough that lock is back on his phone. I don't know if I am maybe being dramatic with that one thing, but it bothers me that he insisted I do it.. but he won't & he says it is because he has financial information in it & he wouldn't want to lose it and someone access that.. but I have credit card info etc. in mine, and if you lose an iphone or think you have been compromised there are ways to shut your phone down from a desktop & the icloud website.. I know people need their privacy, but in regards to this only here lately do I feel like he is hiding something. I also know that he spoke with his ex recently. This girl is someone he dated while we were apart and he did not tell me about her so that he could continue to get.. well, to put it bluntly, sex- he did not tell me about he because he wanted to continue having sex with me. The situation there is she texted him saying she wanted to talk and instead of ignoring her or saying no he then asked her a series of personal questions to have her prove she was actually her I guess & then when she answered them correctly he said "okay good, what's up" and she told him she just needed to talk to him and he said "..I'm confused.." and that is all I saw of that discussion & the only reason I saw it was because he did it in front of me, when he thought I was asleep he was on his side with his back facing me in the bed and the whole discussion with her took place that way. I have not confronted him about that. The first time we were together the reason he broke up with me was because my ex before him would text me and I would reply just simple stuff like "hey are you okay??" (he was mentally/emotionally unstable) and that would be it & then my current boyfriend would see it somehow and ask me if we had talked, I would lie and say no- but he knew we had because he had seen it- and it happened about 5 times until he left me, so now it seems like that tables have turned and he is doing that to me and not being up front with me and saying hey my ex contacted me (I now tell him when any male reaches out to me, it happen's once to twice a week with social media. & lastly- speaking of social media, he is always on something -FB, IG, twitter, snap chat, he is always adding girls to his friends, liking their pictures, I figure he is probably chatting with them too- especially on facebook and the reason I am specific with saying facebook is because I had confronted him a couple months back about the flocks of girls I can see he adds regularly and he said "I am just going to de-activate my account, who cares, keep yours if you want it to do who knows what you do on there" almost like a guilt trip was being put on me that if he cut his off I should so I did but not because I felt guilty- I just don't care about social media. A week or 2 go by and I need to put the messenger app back on my phone because it is the only way I have to talk to some family and friends. I do this but I don't know if you can just add the messenger app and it work so I added the facebook app, click the message icon from there where it will then tell you to download the messenger app. Of course in doing all the it re-activated my account so obviously the first thing I do is look for my boyfriend and he did not even deactivate his. I think he just made up the whole ordeal to get me off facebook, him stay on, but he can keep doing whatever he wants just without me seeing it.

 

..I don't know if I am really seriously just being dramatic- part of me feels like I am, and also like I am just picking at tiny issues trying to make them bigger. But also- when I think that, that maybe I am just being silly something in my stomach is almost tugging on my heart telling me no I am not being silly or crazy I really do need to be alert. All in all this comes down to the fact that I more or less think he is cheating on me, is trying to cheat on me, or he would if given the opportunity and also respect- I do not feel respected after knowing that okay I was left by him just a few months into dating bc I had contact with my ex that I lied about and tried to say I did not, he then tortured me and used me as a booty call and would treat me like garbage after- and when I would beg him please just be with me please he would say he doesn't trust me no he won't be with me and it all stemmed back to the times I would talk to my ex and lie to him that I had not spoke to my ex at all.. but he is doing that to me now, how is it any different. I came into our relationship this go around with a clear heart and mind and like we had wiped the slate clean, I did remember the past but only to remember the mistakes I had made that caused me to lose him, that way I did not make them again. I would have done anything to have him all those nights I stayed up crying over him and now that I was given that chance I did not and was not going to mess it up. So I feel like I have gone above and beyond as far as proving myself as trustworthy and committed to making our relationship work this time. So I feel extremely disrespected knowing that all the things he claims were so bad of me to do- they were the reasons he left- blah blah- are now being done to me. Plus the nagging feeling like I am currently or soon to be playing the part of the girlfriend who is completely blind to her boyfriends adulterous behavior because she doesn't know if he is really or is she just over thinking things..

 

I know this is a long and rambling story. I did not even proof read it I don't want to, it will hurt me and I already know it. I apologize if there are grammatical errors and for the rambling - without even re-reading it I know for sure I probably rambled a little, I do when I am anxious (I am doing it with the sentence I am typing now.. geez..lol)

 

Any advice or thoughts *POSITIVE ADVICE OR THOUGHTS ONLY* would be wonderful.

Thanks so much,

E

[Andrina]

On again, off again relationships usually mean you're not right for each other. Did you establish boundaries with each other, or just assume? Did you say, "We're no longer allowed to communicate with exes. If an ex contacts us, we will block their number, delete them as a Facebook friend, and will not answer the call.

 

When you have clearcut rules, then you can either be with a person who is on the same page with relationship boundaries, or you can eventually find out the person chooses to act inappropriately, and then you can end the relationship which will free you to find someone compatible with your relationship goals.

 

You don't need to go through a person's phone, etc., to find this out. As you can see, secrets have a way of revealing themselves without any effort from you at all. If you had already discussed this rule with him, then you know he broke the rule and there is nothing to confront him about. You don't give second chances to people who will go behind your back to the detriment of your relationship.

 

Choose someone with the same ethics, boundaries, and relationship goals as you, and you will find yourself happy the majority of the time, instead of anxious and worried. You two have a history of distrust and dysfunction. It's probably best to start with someone new instead of living in toxic fumes.

[MissCanuck]

Eh, this guy has double standards for you and himself, which is never good.

 

Isn't this an awful lot of drama and mistrust for such a young relationship? For me, there is not a solid enough foundation to continue. I would let him go and find someone you can truly start clean with.

[DancingFool]

Sorry but I think your intuition is correct. Add to it, on/off, no trust, no respect, lots and lots of dysfunction though. It really would be best for your sanity and well being to let this guy go and find someone with whom you don't have these kinds of issues. Just based on what you've written, it's pretty much impossible to see why you keep staying with him. Find the courage to end things and you'll quickly find that life is actually better without this mess.

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with MissCanuck. The only way you can have a relationship with a clean slate is to start with somebody new, without all this history of mistrust and shady behaviour. It's difficult enough to shake off this sort of rubbish when the other person's clearly reformed and doing everything they can to earn your trust - but this guy isn't even trying. You know enough to realise he's being secretive, and this is not a way to go. Without trust and respect, you've got nothing. It looks like he has a habit of keeping relationships vague, doing just enough to make sure the other person doesn't "get away" but not really throwing himself in wholeheartedly either - at least, not for any length of time.

 

Listen to that nagging feeling; although on one level, the incidents you describe seem minor, they all add up to a disturbing picture. You ask feel like he's up to no good..intuition or over thinking? but I think in your heart of hearts you already know the answer to that question.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.