Did I do No Contact for too long and have I messed it up now?

[Pegazus]

I'll keep this brief. Ex and I broke up about 7 months ago after 4 years due to fighting too much. The breakup was far from smooth- we clashed and had several negative text exchanges until I finally decided to cool things off for a bit. I didn't want to lose my ex and figured No Contact was necessary. But I'm wondering if I did it for too long. I felt a month wasn't long enough as the last time we had talked, he was really angry and told me he needed space, and things were toxic between us as that point so I extended it to two months.

Once I finally reached out the other day, he was surprisingly pleasant and the conversation stuck to general things like asking about family etc. It was a brief text exchange and he didn't say much (not that he was really a big talker in the relationship anyway) but it was very mature. He had asked me about work, and I responded. The next day, I realised I hadn't asked him about work so I simply said 'hows work?' Just, you know, returning the question that I had been asked. Common courtesy really.

He didn't respond. I left it and just thought, okay, he doesn't owe me a response right away as we are not together. Nearly two days passed and still nothing, and now I was annoyed because I could see him active on whatsapp so I knew he was choosing to ignore it. I then just saw it as rude. I was confused as he had been responding really quickly and pleasantly before, so I didnt know what issue was. It wasn't like I bombarded him was long texts begging get back together like I had been doing before. So I had to say something. I wasn't rude, I just said that I felt that I was bothering him and that I wouldn't be offended if he wasn't comfortable talking, and I'd rather just know. Previously he may have taken this as confrontational and told me to leave him alone or something, but instead he simply said I wasn't bothering him but he felt that I was forcing conversation, and that work was fine. So I responded briefly and neautrally and left it at that.

There is definitely a change since the 2 months of No Contact. He seems far less angry toward me, but is that really a good thing? Does that mean he's made peace with everything and is now over me? Should I have jusg done the one month? And did I make things worse by asking him if I was bugging him?

Maybe I'm overthinking but I'm just wondering if I'm wasting my time where he is concerned.

 

Any advice please?

[RainyCoast]

but he felt that I was forcing conversation, and that work was fine.

in other words, he doesn't want you to keep talking, or baiting, or for you to infiltrate yourself back in your life.

 

you weren't asking out of "common courtesy", contact and no contact to you is, as you explain, simply a means to force a second try, and he didn't fall off the turnip truck i'd guess, sees it full well, and isn't interested in the bait.

 

the fact he talked like a calm and rational person is no indicator he wants anything again, and a fairly reasonable person wouldn't have to think twice about reigniting something toxic and combative.

 

 

his eagerness or the lack thereof isn't dependent on your communication maneuvers, people aren't string puppets. it's dependent upon him having chosen he doesn't want this any more.

 

i'd say you need to stop contacting him, for real.

[MissCanuck]

He was already gone, OP.

 

This is why the length of time you go No Contact doesn't matter. He's not interested and doesn't want to keep talking. Leaving it for one month or 3.65 months is irrelevant when someone doesn't wish to be with you anymore.

 

It's time for you to really let him go.

[Rust]

I think you may have missed the boat on what no contact is actually about. It's not about getting them back, it's time to work on yourself and let them figure out what they want.

And by sounds of it he's done with it so it's time you do some personal growth and you'll find a more suitable person eventually.

[SherrySher]

He's being polite and has no anger because his feelings are gone. He sounds like he has moved on and is over everything. He is trying to not be a jerk to you, but he has no interest in getting back together or trying to be a couple again.

[Keyman]

As my fellow Kiwi boy Rust says, No Contact is a way to get over someone and not a means to manipulate them back.

 

No doubt he took the time you were giving him in NC to begin his own process of moving on. Now he doesn't want to get all wrapped up like it was before.

 

Close off this relationship and get on with healing, there is little likelihood of reconciliation here.

[LonelyJedi]

There is no "limit" on how long a person needs to be in No Contact.

NC is for you, and you alone. It is meant to heal yourself from the broken relationship. An ex coming back is just a side effect, if it even does happen... but you cannot hope for it.

 

In your case, your ex doesn't seem to want to talk to you at all. He either needs time to heal himself (and you talking to him doesn't help) or that he is really done with this relationship and wants nothing to do with you. Don't depend on him to move on, you have to move on yourself.

 

I know how you feel though... how can someone just want to forget all of those years you had together, it must to have meant something right?

[eidetic]

All interesting and valid points, and I am going to add my two cents.

 

Depending on what time of day you contact me, I am not going to answer you immediately or even timely, because I am busy. With work. That I am performing for an employer, and for which I am paid.

 

I am also not going to respond to you immediately because it has been x time since last contact, and because I feel whatever I feel about our relationship. I may feel confused or conflicted. And I may love you very much, and simultaneously have no idea how to say so. Or I may be over the relationship, and simultaneously have no idea how to say that.

 

In any circumstance though, I think it is ok to stand by the decisions you made in the past, about whether or when or how to contact.

 

We make contact when we are ready. It either nets the results that we wanted, or it doesn't. And regardless, you can try again, if that is your impulse.

 

Stay confident with your decision making. Whatever you did, and whatever the result, your decision was right for you at the time. If it didn't net the results that you wanted, maybe a different approach is needed. Or depending on the circumstance, maybe acceptance of the ending of a relationship is what's needed.

 

But just know that we make our moves when we are ready, and regardless of the outcome, it is important that we make the moves when we ourselves are ready to make them. Otherwise somehow you are giving your power over fully to the other person, and that isn't necessarily how a solid partnership should be.

 

After four years of relationship, this actually sounds like a choice point -- but I would have to know more about your situation in order to comment on that.

[kamurj]

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