Chronic depression attributed to my break up, what to do now?

[Benben]

Hi, not really sure what I'm doing. Just discovered this site. Seems to have a lot of great advice. I've never written into a help site like this before.

 

I'm 36 male, moderate bipolar. About 3 months ago I could feel depression rear it's ugly head. My girlfriend of 9 months knew my problems had stood by some mild short ones before. I'd tried to educate her the best I could in case anything severe ever happened. She seemed to understand.

 

Anyway things had been a little tough recently I didn't have as much energy to give but nothing major bad happened and I was hoping to power through and get back to the good times. We talked lightly about living together and maybe having kids one day.

 

5 weeks ago, completely out of the blue to me, she broke up with me, after a nice breakfast. I was in such shock i couldn't even talk. After that I got a brief brief cold but not mean text saying she'd been I unhappy for a while and that was it.

 

I was distraught. I didn't eat for 4 days. I didn't even know that was possible. I know she had the right to break up but I felt so rejected and treated poorly.

I asked her to explain a little more to me in one more text and she got more cold, listed a few of my defects and a little about how everything was so painful for her. I had no idea, there had been no mention of this before but I understand loving a depressed person is very hard. I thought I'd be managing quite well, ha Well at that text I did something very petty and told her some things I didn't like about her. I know not a good or kind move, I was insanely hurt by how cold and distant she was, poor excuse. It then got worse I texted her apologies, and some explanations and then after a month of about 15 texts ( the no contact king! I knew I shouldn't I couldn't help myself, I really am in a very strange place) with no response I finally text her just to say thank you for all the love, I understand and good luck, this got me blocked on all platforms. I know I shouldn't have done any of this.

 

The problem I'm having is my major fluctuating mood swings, extreme scary anger and depression. I didn't leave the house barely until a week ago (it's 5 weeks now) and i had to force myself to start to change as I was losing a dangerous amount of weight and starting to become dizzy.

 

I don't know what to do I've never made this much of a mess in a breakup, had such little closer, Felt so hurt, Had such conflicting feelings of anger and love towards a person. I was already depressed.

 

I'm finding it hard to feel positive because depression and physical illness has help contribute to almost every loss in my life, social and work, for the last 18 years. I'm am in treatment and was stable when I met her. I don't meet very many people who don't run a mile because of my baggage and I thought maybe I'd met someone kind and patient enough to handle my rough patches. Don't get me wrong I don't want a mother but you try dating and being bipolar. It's insanely hard. It requires a special type of person. She was very kind in a lot of ways and I'd started to believe I'd finally found someone after a long long time looking and she was so beautiful and special. I do believe myself to be a good person. Depression is just a mutha! And all around me everyone is starting families and settling down. Something that when I'm stable I would really like. Problem is I don't seem to stay stable for more than a year or less before some sort of medical issue. I don't expect anyone to take me on. It just hurts when I think I've found someone who may work and says they'll try, I let my guard down and start to feel secure and then i feel so much more alienated and hopeless when it doesn't work.

 

I don't know if it would have helped, and I know she had ( from her words after breaking up) been struggling for a while but she professed her love to me just weeks earlier, but I wish she'd just been a bit kinder about the whole thing. I feel like I'm worth nothing and she might hate me. I made an absolute mess of things after the break up and have no right to demand anything after that but again I wish she could have let me down a little softer. I love her. It must have been obvious how much I was suffering from my texts (I almost landed in the psych ward, I didn't let that on) would it have been too much just to offer a kind word before insisting going no contact instead of just blocking me?

 

Anyways, I dunno, I don't even know what I'm looking for here, I'm angry at myself, at the world, at her . I hate the idea of my best friend ditching me like that, that she was unhappy for any length of time, and that she didn't even deem our relationship worth mentioning any issues before she sprung break up on me.

 

Again, I know after the break up I don't have a leg to stand on, I doubt we'll ever get back together , part of me wants to but it seems unlikely but is there ever any point trying to contact again to clear the bad air even in 6 months or so, I think i have no choice but to wait now but it kills me that someone I care about was hurt by me, unintentionally or not? and to anyone who's dealt with lifelong depression how do you ever have a decent relationship, I tried so hard, and how do I control some of these emotions now? Maybe I'm just on here rambling but I'm so lost, I hate bad blood, and I feel just so incredibly insecure and alone.

 

Sorry about the length, Thank you, Ben

[MissCanuck]

Hi Ben, and welcome to ENA.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I can feel your pain and frustration leaping through the screen. I am glad you are in treatment; what does your therapist have to say about this situation?

 

Just to gain some clarity: what happens when you feel yourself becoming depressed? You say you didn't have much energy to give, so I am curious in which ways this impacted your relationship.

 

As for her, you need to keep in mind that she is seeing this from a completely different angle and likely was very confused herself. I know you explained your condition to her, and it sounds like she tried to be gentle about it, but in the end it's better for her to have left if she felt this was too much to take on. Some people are cut out for it, others not. It's not in your best interest for her to have stuck around if she felt she wasn't equipped to handle it. 9 months is still a relatively short period, and she apparently concluded this wasn't the right situation for either of you.

 

I have a feeling this is also why she blocked you. I don't know what you said in your messages to her, but it's also likely better that you are not able to contact her right now. I know it certainly seems unfair, but it's evident you need to focus on your recovery and regaining your stability. Are you currently working? Do you have friends and family you can turn to for emotional support?

[Elavohra]

Okay, firstly it was too long to read but, still I appreciate you have pen down your thoughts.

Well, since she's broken up now and there is no point dwelling on her or things related to that. We make mistakes (I am not talking about serious ones) We're all human, we are all imperfect.

So firstly, stop contacting her, go on full NC.

Secondly, forgive yourself and promise to yourself that you'll not repeat those mistakes again.

Thirdly, work upon yourself. Since you're a depression patient you must do 1.Yoga and meditation

2. Go for running or walking for 40 minutes

3. Eat healthy and indulge yourself in day to activity

related to your job or it could be anything positive.

See your doctor on time and follow up his

guidance

4. Show gratitude for everything even for the break up

or the negative things which is happening to you

and making you better and stronger person.

5. Before hitting the sack, make a diary entry. And

see yourself progressing

[Benben]

Hi guys, thanks for the response. The kindness of strangers can be amazing.

 

When I'm depressed I get slightly irritable, fatigued, mostly withdrawn. Kinda like someone with a cold.

 

I understand it being too much for her, believe me I've lost others in my life and I don't blame them. Temperamentally is difficult to associate with as friends or lovers.

 

9 months is short but we spent every second together and I clicked with her like no other.

 

I doubt she blocked me out of kindness. She's a mature, generally nice women. She had a lot of chances to be nice and then block. I think she was purely looking out for herself and I was being annoying constantly explaining myself but at the end the texts I sent were very kind and final.

 

I'm not currently working. I'm moving city. I have some limited support.

 

I am in no contact now, she blocked in almost every way. I have no choice.

 

I do work on my depression everyday for years. Unfortunately its treatment resistant and sometimes just gets the better of you. It's in the nature of the illness.

 

My main questions, for me mostly, would if be worth contacting her somewhere down the line? I hate that someone I care about so much doesn't understand or hates me. I always try and solve conflicts maturely ( after the sometimes immature conflict Im also absolutely shocked she didn't deem me worth a mature clean goodbye. We talked about everything. It would have been hard but it would have been less cowardly in my opinion.

 

Secondly, how do you wrap your head around it telling you you both love and are angry at someone? Someone you had such respect for. It's really hard especially with such little closer, and to feel so rejected, like all you had meant nothing.

 

Let me emphasize I don't blame this girl at all. I don't expect anything. I'm just wondering how to ease my suffering. I don't wish to hurt her at all.

 

I know it was a long initial post. Too much to fit in to a tweet and you lose people

 

Thanks again

[Benben]

In the past I've felt break ups coming, even if I didn't want to but even then the person would have the decency to talk with me. It was more of a process of understanding where each other was at. They would be tearful but helpful and it's just a couple of short sit downs.

[Benben]

My therapist gives the same advice as most others 'just let her go'

 

I sometimes feel like breakups hit me way way harder than others, I've had 3 - they just dragged on and on, and that a lot of advice is very cliche and cold. That's why I liked this site.

 

It's like people give you a week and then expect you to be over it.

[MissCanuck]

Any serious relationship takes a while to move past. Be patient with yourself.

 

As for contacting her down the line - I think this entirely depends on your emotional state. If you're still holding out hope for her, I would not contact her. I say that because if she's not contacting you, it's because she's not interested in reconciling. Thus, reaching out to her would likely yield only a short, maybe-friendly reply or no reply at all. That would be very hard to stomach if you're still quite attached to her.

 

When you move into the stage of relative indifference, perhaps you could get in touch to say hello. I would not do so unless and until you have put your life back together again, though. She (or any woman) would need to see that you have your ducks in a row, have a steady job and are in fairly good emotional health.

 

What does your therapist suggest in terms of coping strategies?

[Benben]

You're a absolutely right. I doubt we'll ever be in contact again which is very sad especially on bad terms but it happens with people.

 

My therapist has the same advice I can find on the internet. I'm getting a new one anyway when I move. Which has pros and cons.

 

I think I know the main reason this hurts. Yes I miss her, yes I hate confrontation but it's more that my ego is shattered.

 

I have physical and mental health problems that make life very difficult. I already feel inadequate and alienated to the human race. Finding people when you're a difficult match is, well very difficult.

I thought maybe I'd found one of those rare people but no she doesn't want me either and I don't blame her. I'm just being honest being with someone with a disability is hard. Working on accepting that most people will reject you is a difficult thing when you're wracked with Illness and insecurity.

 

I will keep trying to improve myself, what else can you do? Chronic illness is possible to live with and some do better than others but it's lonely and it sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

Thank you, your advice is kind and reassuring.

[Benben]

Oh, and the work, that comes and goes. The longest I've stayed in employment was 3 years but that was years ago before things got worse.

 

My life is a constant up and down.

[Benben]

I hope this doesn't all sound lame and 'victimy'. I try to remain truthful and objective. It's difficult to give full, relatable details through text.

[Benben]

Oh and while I'm blabbing

I don't enter into relationships when I'm unstable. I don't have the energy and I wouldn't put that on anyone else.

[MissCanuck]

You don't sound victim-y. You sound defeated and frustrated, though. That is certainly understandable given your current situation.

 

To gain some clarity, can I ask: what sorts of things did you say to her, prior to her blocking you? How often did you see each other when you were feeling at your worst, and what kinds of things did you do together? I could probably offer some more detailed advice if you provide further information as to what exactly the relationship was like before it ended.

[Benben]

Thanks, you have great skill in offering sensitive information. I am feeling absolutely defeated.

 

Ok, I don't think I can keep this short but If you want further details I can give them.

 

We did all usual couple stuff. Movies, dates, chilling, museums, hikes, holidays/trips. We had a few individual activities. We didn't do anything with other people except our parents both having lost almost all close contact friends to people moving from the cost of the bay. Plus we wanted to do everything together. It was very mutual.

 

What did I say after we broke up. Well it started because we were talking about moving in together and she was listing some things she didn't like about me, this wasn't normal. I said it sounds like you want to break up. She said nothing. I looked at her and knew it was true. She apologized, said she was horrible. Nothing more was said. I was in shock. She drove me back to her house and crying started handing me my stuff that was there.

 

I went home, she text a few times. I said if your sure you want this it's probably going to be to hard to be friends. I was shocked when she calmly agreed.

 

After that two texts back and forth. Where I asked if she was sure. She was cold but polite. The second one she expressed anger about problems with her birth control and that she'd felt things had been going badly for a while, that she couldn't talk to me, which I had no idea about.

 

A few days passed, I wanted to give her some days to deal with the hurt she was feeling.

 

Now I started becoming very strange, not sleeping and eating well, and this is where I'm utterly ashamed. I asked her one more time to talk to me, I was confused and hoping for some kindness. She became more cold and distant and listed things she didn't like about me but still mature. She said she didn't want to talk anymore.

I was so hurt by all the love disappearing I attacked some things about her personality and I was not polite. It was very petty.

 

I didn't contact for a few days. I then apologized profusely. I had been drinking that night. We'd never even raised voices before.

 

Over the next couple of weeks I text every couple of days. I tried to explain my situation and tell her the wonderful things about her. The usual romantic breakup waste. Towards the end I conceded she had made the right choice, thanked her for all the good times and wished her all the best with her new life. I got no answers ever. Lastly I sent her a kinda weird email about how much pain I was in but it wasn't at all attacking. Then I got blocked from every platform.

 

A lot of what happened I can't remember. I was so weird. I knew I was doing wrong pestering her but I couldn't stop for some reason.

 

When I was at my worst she saw me just as much as my best. We did everything together. She even saw me when I had a brief stint in the hospital when my meds messed up after about 5 months. That was very hard but we made it through and I thought that was a good sign. I asked a month or so after that experience if she was sure she wanted me and she said absolutely.

 

After hospital things weren't quite the same. My depression hadn't completely lifted but we were still loving each other, doing similar activities to before but my energy was different like I'd said. We didn't have many issues but when we did her sensitivity, which I loved about her kicked in, and she would always take things personally, often crying, making discussions hard. I thought it was just her way of dealing with things but it meant I started hiding some feelings from her hoping I could deal with them before they became issues. I didn't want to upset her and didn't think I needed too. I thought all relationships have their dynamics and we were learning ours after a particularly trying period. Of course major major issues, of which I didn't think there were any, boy was I wrong, I would have gladly discussed.

 

When we broke up. I actually thought things were going better than they had been. I was actually kinda proud of controlling my symptoms as much as I had.

 

I took a situation that could of been heart break but at least ending amicably without me looking like arse and absolutely made a fool of myself and perhaps ruined my image to the person who's probably been nicest to me ever.

[Benben]

in 18 years, since 18, I've met one girl I really connected with who was kind and loving and beautiful and willing to try with me and we both tried our hardest to make it work and I can't even do that at the moment it's leaving me with very little hope.

[Benben]

Edit: when I say she saw me at my worse as much as my best I mean she saw my everything. I didn't mean I was struggling 50% of the time. I would estimate it at 25% but who am I to know how it appears to others.

[MissCanuck]

I think you're being very, very hard on yourself OP. The way you reacted post-breakup is not that different from the way many dumpees behave when they're surprised by the split. Don't beat yourself up over that too much. Maybe it wasn't pretty, but you are human after all. We often react to pain in that way.

 

May I ask, what did she say she didn't like abut you? I'm just trying to discern what exactly her reasoning was, as it might not all be down t your depressive disorder.

[Benben]

That id been becoming more unstable, distant, and mean. That we hadn't been getting along as well. That my emotions could by very intense. That she couldn't handle us and felt she couldn't talk to me. That not all relationships work and couldn't I leave it at that. That there were some good times and some miserable times. That she needed to work on herself.

That she'd tried and tried and was exhausted physically and emotionally. That she was fed up with saying she was sorry.

Apparently all this was happening while she was still telling me she loved me, calling me everyday, spending every second with me and wanted to live with me.

 

I knew a tiny bit about some of this but had no idea of the extent of issues she had with me.

 

Thanks again, Ben

[Benben]

The only reasons I knew any of this is because I could feel myself being more depressed. She never asked or told me anything. She was mostly very sweet and supportive if occasionally a little over sensitive and preoccupied.

[Benben]

She also suggested I didn't like her anymore.

[Benben]

She expressed that it made her sad and complained about how hurt she felt, she apologized but the over all tone was cold and blaming. There was more but I forget.

[Vicky89]

Did you know that they have sites online that cater to people with bipolar disorder ?

 

They have dating sites specifically for people with bipolar, just google " Bipolar disorder dating sites"

 

Back 100 years ago, you had autism, you had bipolar, you had schizophrenia, you had anxiety attacks, you were introverted, whatever, and there was no one that understood you, now... well, now everyone can find their own place among others who actually get them because they are facing the same issues ! There's a niche for everyone

 

So, your breakups are probably because regular extroverted people or people without depression just don't understand when someone has it, or why they have it, and even if they did understand it, they don't want to be around someone they just aren't clicking with. But, if you dated a woman with depression or bipolar, she'd get you, and you'd get her.

 

I think you should focus ahead on what you can do to help yourself and also to find that one partner that you can share your time with. Don't dwell on this ex, moving on is for your own peace of mind, because she's already moved on.

 

And I don't see my failed relationships as a waste of time or get upset over them ending anymore, I see it as where one door closes, another one opens up.

[Benben]

Yes I did know all that.

You must be very skilled not dwell or ever get upset.

I wish I was 'regular' like you.

Cheers.