Benben Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 Hi, not really sure what I'm doing. Just discovered this site. Seems to have a lot of great advice. I've never written into a help site like this before. I'm 36 male, moderate bipolar. About 3 months ago I could feel depression rear it's ugly head. My girlfriend of 9 months knew my problems had stood by some mild short ones before. I'd tried to educate her the best I could in case anything severe ever happened. She seemed to understand. Anyway things had been a little tough recently I didn't have as much energy to give but nothing major bad happened and I was hoping to power through and get back to the good times. We talked lightly about living together and maybe having kids one day. 5 weeks ago, completely out of the blue to me, she broke up with me, after a nice breakfast. I was in such shock i couldn't even talk. After that I got a brief brief cold but not mean text saying she'd been I unhappy for a while and that was it. I was distraught. I didn't eat for 4 days. I didn't even know that was possible. I know she had the right to break up but I felt so rejected and treated poorly. I asked her to explain a little more to me in one more text and she got more cold, listed a few of my defects and a little about how everything was so painful for her. I had no idea, there had been no mention of this before but I understand loving a depressed person is very hard. I thought I'd be managing quite well, ha Well at that text I did something very petty and told her some things I didn't like about her. I know not a good or kind move, I was insanely hurt by how cold and distant she was, poor excuse. It then got worse I texted her apologies, and some explanations and then after a month of about 15 texts ( the no contact king! I knew I shouldn't I couldn't help myself, I really am in a very strange place) with no response I finally text her just to say thank you for all the love, I understand and good luck, this got me blocked on all platforms. I know I shouldn't have done any of this. The problem I'm having is my major fluctuating mood swings, extreme scary anger and depression. I didn't leave the house barely until a week ago (it's 5 weeks now) and i had to force myself to start to change as I was losing a dangerous amount of weight and starting to become dizzy. I don't know what to do I've never made this much of a mess in a breakup, had such little closer, Felt so hurt, Had such conflicting feelings of anger and love towards a person. I was already depressed. I'm finding it hard to feel positive because depression and physical illness has help contribute to almost every loss in my life, social and work, for the last 18 years. I'm am in treatment and was stable when I met her. I don't meet very many people who don't run a mile because of my baggage and I thought maybe I'd met someone kind and patient enough to handle my rough patches. Don't get me wrong I don't want a mother but you try dating and being bipolar. It's insanely hard. It requires a special type of person. She was very kind in a lot of ways and I'd started to believe I'd finally found someone after a long long time looking and she was so beautiful and special. I do believe myself to be a good person. Depression is just a mutha! And all around me everyone is starting families and settling down. Something that when I'm stable I would really like. Problem is I don't seem to stay stable for more than a year or less before some sort of medical issue. I don't expect anyone to take me on. It just hurts when I think I've found someone who may work and says they'll try, I let my guard down and start to feel secure and then i feel so much more alienated and hopeless when it doesn't work. I don't know if it would have helped, and I know she had ( from her words after breaking up) been struggling for a while but she professed her love to me just weeks earlier, but I wish she'd just been a bit kinder about the whole thing. I feel like I'm worth nothing and she might hate me. I made an absolute mess of things after the break up and have no right to demand anything after that but again I wish she could have let me down a little softer. I love her. It must have been obvious how much I was suffering from my texts (I almost landed in the psych ward, I didn't let that on) would it have been too much just to offer a kind word before insisting going no contact instead of just blocking me? Anyways, I dunno, I don't even know what I'm looking for here, I'm angry at myself, at the world, at her . I hate the idea of my best friend ditching me like that, that she was unhappy for any length of time, and that she didn't even deem our relationship worth mentioning any issues before she sprung break up on me. Again, I know after the break up I don't have a leg to stand on, I doubt we'll ever get back together , part of me wants to but it seems unlikely but is there ever any point trying to contact again to clear the bad air even in 6 months or so, I think i have no choice but to wait now but it kills me that someone I care about was hurt by me, unintentionally or not? and to anyone who's dealt with lifelong depression how do you ever have a decent relationship, I tried so hard, and how do I control some of these emotions now? Maybe I'm just on here rambling but I'm so lost, I hate bad blood, and I feel just so incredibly insecure and alone. Sorry about the length, Thank you, Ben Link to comment
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