Moved to be closer, then got crushed

[RPoppy]

Hi everybody,

 

Sorry if this is a little long, I need to vent - I am 23 and a half years old, and my boyfriend of about two years just ended (?) things with me five days ago. A little backstory: we met in college on the east coast and he graduated and is stationed out west now with the military. We started dating our senior year (even though I knew he would be moved somewhere and I was setting myself up for heartbreak), and I fell so hard for him. He left for the west coast after graduation (a little more than a year ago), and I started my job on the east coast. We did long distance for about nine-months. We would FaceTime and call each other every day, and I always knew where he was. He seemed to be lonely out here, and I was absolutely miserable at home without him. A job with my company opened up right where he is stationed, I applied, got it, and accepted the offer right away. I moved 2,500 miles from home in February to be closer to him (although he never told me to, but he never told me not to). We were both excited to be closer to each other.

 

We don't live together, and things seemed to be going well the past five months. I think that we get along better now than we did before - he is alone out here (besides coworkers) and so am I, so we at least had each other. Last weekend, we went on a great camping trip and had a blast. I went over to his apartment on Tuesday for dinner, and suddenly, the conversation took a turn for the worse. He started questioning our relationship, saying things like "we've plateaued," he doesn't know if I'm the "one for him," and why waste time if he doesn't see a future together. He also said that he doesn't see me going with him when he gets his assignment in the next two years. But there have been times when he mentions me going with him in previous casual conversations. Obviously, I was absolutely devastated and scared most of all. I asked him for an answer, and he didn't give me one. He just said that he needed time to "think," but I feel as though this is the end.

 

I can't say that this came completely out of the blue. He is "scared" of commitment, and his last girlfriend cheated on him, so his walls have been up this time around. I know that he was a better boyfriend to her than he is to me. We used to talk about a future and living together (just as recently as two weeks ago), but lately, not as much. I don't know if he is freaking himself out and overthinking things, or if there are other underlying issues like if he's interested in somebody else. I am thinking that maybe he really does want to end things and that my constant presence here has overwhelmed him (he likes being independent and doing his own thing), but I really do believe that he liked me being closer. We were both less lonely. I don't know why he is putting so much pressure on finding the "one" right now (that comment was so unlike him), especially when he gets so freaked when talking about marriage - I think it might just be an excuse. I just know that he makes me so happy when I'm with him, and why would we not want that to continue?

 

I have obviously been miserable and completely devastated. This is my first break-up where I'm the dumpee, and I know that I've loved him more than anybody else in my entire life. We've jumped through so many hurdles together, now I thought that we were at the easy part. It makes it much harder knowing that I'm all alone here, and now my plan is shattered. I know that I rely too heavily on him, and I absolutely hate that about myself. I called him two days ago to ask where things stood - did we break up? He just repeated the same questions, and said that he doesn't know and needs time to think. I'm a smart girl, and I think his mind must be made up - he just knows what I gave up to be here for him, and he doesn't have the courage yet to be a complete jerk and dump me while I'm on the other side of the country without my family and friends.

 

This relationship has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster, and it hasn't been great all the time. We have high-high's and low-low's. I know that I give 100% every day to him, but I know that he doesn't do the same back. I've been mistreated and he does have a temper which bothers me a lot (although I haven't seen it much since I've moved out here). He hasn't always said the nicest things, and one of my friends found his profile on a dating app. He is flirty and likes talking to other girls, which bothers me a lot, but I am the one that goes to bed with him at night so I try not to let it freak me out too much. I don't believe that he ever physically cheated on me, although I do have trust issues with him. Things aren't perfect, but to me, the good outweighs the bad (I really think he has a heart at the end of the day). I know that it could work if he wanted it as much as I did, and I know how much love I have to give, so it kills me that he doesn't want it. I have also never been more physically attracted to a man in my life, which I think is making this so hard for me. Everything about that was perfect, and I'm afraid that I will never ever find that again, and if I do, he won't be interested in me back.

 

Anyways, I've been trying my best to go through the motions, although it is hard being all alone without a support system. I am nonstop crying and laying in bed, confused and hurt, replaying and over-analyzing every little thing he's ever said to me in my mind. I managed to get myself to work last week (although I had to cry in the bathroom a few times), and I'm making sure to take showers. I also reached out to a coworker my age and told her the situation. I hadn't really made any friends here, so we went out to a baseball game on Wed, sushi on Thurs, and the bars on Friday and Sat. I was miserable the whole time of course, constantly checking my phone to see if he had called (he didn't), but I tried my best to move and have a reason to get dressed and put on make up.

 

The worst part about this is the fact that he didn't give me a final answer (although deep down I really know that it is over for him). But it is giving me more than a glimmer of hope, and I am constantly hoping that he calls to tell me that he's done thinking and wants to forget about everything. I am trying to tell myself that this is done and I have to move on, but I can't without finality. I am scared that too much time apart will make him realize that he's just fine without me, but I also want to appear confident and give him some space. Part of me thinks that not contacting him for a few weeks might make him miss me (this is what I'm hoping for, how messed up is that). I constantly want to text or call him asking if we can talk. I found this forum by trying to distract myself and put down my phone. I know that if he wants to talk to me, he will reach out, but it just sucks. Today, I drove down to his apartment and almost knocked on the door, but I somehow managed to drive right past. I think that I deserve an answer, but I know that once I get one, it will be like a fresh breakup all over again. He has had almost six days to think things over, and I don't know what to do. Should I just wait for him to contact me and if he doesn't assume that he's done? I'm so mad at him for choosing to handle things like this - he knows I have to be crushed.

 

I know that everybody is going to say "just walk," "it's done don't contact him," or "he sounds like a jerk, just move on," but this is so hard, especially when I feel like I can't cut him off (social media and mentally, when he says "I need to think"). We really have been through a lot together, and I'm surprised that we made it this far. It is hard being alone by myself in a huge city, but I don't regret coming out here at all. If I didn't and things didn't work, I would have always wondered "well what if I had moved?" But I really have dedicated by life to him the past two years making lots of sacrifices, and now I just don't know what to do next. I love him so much, so just some kind-hearted reassurance or things to think about might be nice. Thank you very much xoxo