Child of an Alcoholic and Relationships

[RoonilWaslib]

Hi all,

 

Just to preface I've been dating a really great guy for about six months now, and I'd like to share some of my feelings here and possibly get some feedback/encouragement. This relationship means a lot to me and I'm trying not to let old patterns/baggage get in the way.

 

Details about current relationship

He (24/M) and I (26/F) met at our grad school orientation last September. At the time I had just ended a bad relationship, one in which I'd basically tried to "save" and/or "fix" him to feed my own needs. So even though there was an instant click when I first met my current boyfriend, we did not date and instead built a friendship until February of this year, when we went on our first date. We have been together since then, but we took about two months to come out and tell everyone that we were a couple. We took it at a comfortable pace for both of us. The relationship itself is honestly the best one I've ever been in. For the first time I am dating someone who is a good, equal match for me in terms of intelligence, ambition/drive, interests, values, and what we both want in life. That....is what scares me.

 

My background

I grew up as a child of two alcoholics. My mother has been sober for years, but my father was always a heavy drinker and still is to this day. In the last couple of years I've recognized the impact that this had on me as a child, and even more so the impact it has on my adult intimate relationships. As a kid I always had crushes on older men, looking for a stable father figure even though I didn't know it at the time. I ended up being abused by a teacher of mine as a teenager, which was a very traumatic experience for me. After that I bounced from one unhealthy, emotionally unavailable, immature guy to the next. I did take some time a while back to be single and figure out what I needed, and that's when I started to see that my past was really catching up with me. It still didn't save me from my last relationship, though. Like I said, I fell back into my same routine of trying to save this guy and it ended badly.

 

I now go to therapy religiously every other week. These sessions, plus a low-dose medication (I have generalized anxiety), have greatly helped me. However, I am not fully "healed" at this point. A very common trait among adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) is that we have a very hard time trusting anyone or any situation (especially something that looks "too good"), and we have low self-esteem. I am working very hard on both of these things. If I can build my self-esteem, I can begin to accept that I deserve someone good, stable, and loving. I feel like I'm getting there, but it takes time and I do catch myself messing up here and there.

 

My problem

This is the first guy I've been with who is on "my level". I normally date men who are, for lack of a better word, behind me in some way (career, education, emotional development, maturity, social skills, you name it). Don't get me wrong, he isn't perfect, but he's a very good match for me and I can feel it. We felt it as soon as we met and almost instantly became good friends. I....don't trust it. I feel like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If he's so great, why does he want to be with me? I am worried that he will find someone better than me, despite the fact that we are exclusive and have very clear boundaries, and neither of us has ever come close to overstepping those. My therapist pointed out (rather astutely I must say) that I dated men who were behind me in some way because I wanted them to need me. With this guy, he doesn't necessarily need me, but he does want me. And want feels so flimsy to me, you know? I get what she's saying and from my perspective, I know that I don't need him all the time but I do want him very much. But somehow when I try to apply that to him it's still tough to imagine anyone wanting me that much that consistently.

 

I think of all the times I wanted my dad's attention and, no matter what I did or how "perfect" I was, I could never make him change. I am working so hard to heal and I don't feel like I'm putting all of this on my boyfriend. We communicate and I've been honest with him about my past and the things I am working on. He, too, is in therapy and working through his own demons. I guess I just wonder at what point I will become "too much" for him like I did with other men.

 

Thank you to anyone who read this far. And to anyone who has some input.

[RedDress]

I think you are over thinking. (For the record, I tend to do the same thing). You are trying to find all of the ways that it can mess up, maybe to try to prevent yourself from getting hurt.

 

Stop that.

 

All relationships involve risk. It's a gamble. You need to risk getting your heart broken in order to be able to give and accept love. Maybe things will mess up or maybe they won't. If they do, you will learn from it and move on (just as you learned that "fixing" a guy is not good or healthy). Have faith that things will work out as they should and that you will grow or learn as you should.

 

I think that by placing all your energy on analysis and fear, you are (unintentionally) hurting the relationship. It IS possible to analyze a relationship to death.

 

I think you should focus on taking one day at a time and enjoying the relationship. Deal with problems only as they arise.

[IAmFCA]

Let go of your dad.

 

Let go of your bf.

 

Let go of needing your dad, whom you needed when you were little. You didn't have him. You found another way to become an effective adult leading a rich life. You don't need him anymore. Accept that he wasn't there, isn"t there the way you want. Accept that your opportunity to enjoy him as a child has passed. You are not ever going to have that experience (me neither). It's okay. You turned out okay without it, and its okay to let go of the desire for it. You can accept and love your dad as he is, from whatever distance necessary to do that.

 

Let go of how you imagine your future. Let go of needing that future. Let go of needing your bf in that future.

 

----

 

Now. You have a vision of being able to give yourself in a relationship. A certain distance is necessary to do that well. How far?

 

Give yourself to your bf until just before that emotional moment when you feel like you need him to give back to you.

 

---

 

Having detached yourself from all of these things that are external to you, that are beyond your control, you feel secure. Your sense of self is based only on your knowledge of yourself.

 

You can choose how to invest yourself, and understand how your bf would choose to invest himself in you.

[RoonilWaslib]

I think you are over thinking. (For the record, I tend to do the same thing). You are trying to find all of the ways that it can mess up, maybe to try to prevent yourself from getting hurt.

 

Stop that.

 

All relationships involve risk. It's a gamble. You need to risk getting your heart broken in order to be able to give and accept love. Maybe things will mess up or maybe they won't. If they do, you will learn from it and move on (just as you learned that "fixing" a guy is not good or healthy). Have faith that things will work out as they should and that you will grow or learn as you should.

 

I think that by placing all your energy on analysis and fear, you are (unintentionally) hurting the relationship. It IS possible to analyze a relationship to death.

 

I think you should focus on taking one day at a time and enjoying the relationship. Deal with problems only as they arise.

 

*heavy sigh* ... You are absolutely right.

 

Frankly, living this way is exhausting. Your comment about placing all of my energy on analysis and fear is spot on. Sometimes I worry myself into such a frenzy that I can barely function for that day. I will say, though, that this happens far less often than it used to. I think I've made some significant strides in self-awareness and self-care. On good days, I'm able to head off this anxiety at the first sign of it. I'd like to make those "good days" more and more frequent (wouldn't we all, lol).

 

Basically, a part of me is sabotaging this before I have a chance to get hurt. But of course in the process I ruin any chances at happy, fulfilling relationships.

[RoonilWaslib]

Let go of your dad.

 

Let go of your bf.

 

Let go of needing your dad, whom you needed when you were little. You didn't have him. You found another way to become an effective adult leading a rich life. You don't need him anymore. Accept that he wasn't there, isn"t there the way you want. Accept that your opportunity to enjoy him as a child has passed. You are not ever going to have that experience (me neither). It's okay. You turned out okay without it, and its okay to let go of the desire for it. You can accept and love your dad as he is, from whatever distance necessary to do that.

 

Let go of how you imagine your future. Let go of needing that future. Let go of needing your bf in that future.

 

----

 

Now. You have a vision of being able to give yourself in a relationship. A certain distance is necessary to do that well. How far?

 

Give yourself to your bf until just before that emotional moment when you feel like you need him to give back to you.

 

---

 

Having detached yourself from all of these things that are external to you, that are beyond your control, you feel secure. Your sense of self is based only on your knowledge of yourself.

 

You can choose how to invest yourself, and understand how your bf would choose to invest himself in you.

 

Thank you so much for this.

 

The concept of letting go, "detaching with love", whatever you want to call it, is an elusive one for me. What you've described is something I definitely aspire to be: someone who relies on myself for my sense of security as opposed to seeking it in others. I know that, no matter how devoted and loving my partner may be, I can't depend on him to give me what I should be giving myself. I can't provide that for others, no matter how hard I try. So by that logic, no one can do it for me.

 

I love my dad so much it hurts. You're right, he wasn't there, I can't change that, and I need to let that go. In the process of figuring all of this out, I've been carrying it around with me as a way of explaining the way that I am. I think the next part is to put it down and move forward.

 

I want to be able to give myself to my boyfriend while still maintaining boundaries. Boundaries are hard for me, but I'm working on it. I have a hard time knowing what's "normal", so instead of worrying about that I'm focusing on what feels healthy versus what doesn't.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm going to recommend Al-anon to you which, if you don't already know, is a support group for the family/friends of alcoholics and they deal in codependency issues, the need to caretake (which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregive) and they teach you personal boundaries and learning how to take your life one day at a time so that you're not waiting for that other shoe to drop.

 

Good on you for getting yourself into therapy. If at anytime you feel he/she is not helping you to overcome your issues then switching to another is not a crime. I'm not saying yours isn't helping, I'm just saying. Its nice to read that you're working to be the best you that you can be.

[ThatwasThen]

Adding to my post above. Here are a couple of links on nurturing your inner child that may be of help to you since you didn't have a positive nurturer growing up.

 

/

 

 

[RoonilWaslib]

I'm going to recommend Al-anon to you which, if you don't already know, is a support group for the family/friends of alcoholics and they deal in codependency issues, the need to caretake (which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregive) and they teach you personal boundaries and learning how to take your life one day at a time so that you're not waiting for that other shoe to drop.

 

Good on you for getting yourself into therapy. If at anytime you feel he/she is not helping you to overcome your issues then switching to another is not a crime. I'm not saying yours isn't helping, I'm just saying. Its nice to read that you're working to be the best you that you can be.

Thank you for this. It's so nice to hear others' perspectives, as this is not something I've talked about much. I feel a lot of shame associated with my behaviors so I find it hard to expressed myself on this subject without being embarrassed. I feel like I act "crazy" because I was routinely told I was crazy by my abuser as a teen. Luckily, with the help of therapy, I am learning to separate that message from reality.

 

I have considered Al-Anon in the past and have recently looked into meetings in my area. It feels like a scary step for me but I think it's worth a try.

 

I'm really working very hard to make some changes for myself. The way I've been living my life just isn't working for me anymore. It's exhausting and I always end up making myself physically ill. Luckily, every step forward I've made so far has been met with love and support from my boyfriend and others close to me. And (more importantly I think) so have my mistakes. I'm slowly learning that I'm allowed to make mistakes and that the people who truly love me won't abandon me for it. Now I need to work on accepting myself and loving myself, which is...a daunting task to say the least.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts/input/experience about building self esteem and self worth?

 

Love to all of you, this has been so helpful.

[ThatwasThen]

As you form your Personal boundaries and learn that the only person you have control over changing is you, your self esteem will be built. Learning to look after yourself while allowing others to do the same is how you build your worth.

 

Boundaries are there to protect us to help us nurture ourselves and to allow us to have healthy relationships of every kind (not just romantic ones). Knowing when to say 'no' and doing so without feeling guilty is a self-esteem builder in itself.

 

You're learning to nurture you, Rooni and that is the beginning of you having value in yourself. Well done... keep going.

[ThatwasThen]

Here is a link to some reading material that you may find helpful.

 

 

 

Also: Another support group that may be of help to you as well...

 

 

[abitbroken]

I also recommend reading about Codepdency and looking in to CODA. If you are a person of faith, Celebrate Recovery is a good option as well. Codependency is what is rearing its ugly head with your tendency to caretake and fix and to need to caretake, make excuses for and fix. You are not yet wanting to try to caretake the current boyfriend, but your need to do so is rearing its head because you are uncomfortable that you are NOT mopping up after this guy.

[RoonilWaslib]

All of these wonderful responses are making me tear up a bit Thank you all so much. I have a lot of reading to do!

 

I might as well ask because this is on my mind today: Do building my self esteem and developing healthy boundaries contribute to my ability to trust, or is that a separate issue?

 

I find it very difficult to trust anyone at all, much less a romantic partner to whom I'm making myself so vulnerable. I want to be able to give him the trust he's earned and deserves, but my natural inclination is to always be suspicious.

[RoonilWaslib]

I also recommend reading about Codepdency and looking in to CODA. If you are a person of faith, Celebrate Recovery is a good option as well. Codependency is what is rearing its ugly head with your tendency to caretake and fix and to need to caretake, make excuses for and fix. You are not yet wanting to try to caretake the current boyfriend, but your need to do so is rearing its head because you are uncomfortable that you are NOT mopping up after this guy.

You are absolutely right, especially that last sentence. I'm hoping that if I practice "NOT mopping up after him", I will become more comfortable with it. At least slightly moreso.

[ThatwasThen]

All of these wonderful responses are making me tear up a bit Thank you all so much. I have a lot of reading to do!

 

I might as well ask because this is on my mind today: Do building my self esteem and developing healthy boundaries contribute to my ability to trust, or is that a separate issue?

When you have good personal boundaries in place, you can trust because you trust yourself.

 

I find it very difficult to trust anyone at all, much less a romantic partner to whom I'm making myself so vulnerable. I want to be able to give him the trust he's earned and deserves, but my natural inclination is to always be suspicious.

Suspicious of what exactly? There is no point in being suspicious of someone who isn't acting suspicious or shady. Learn to take one dat at a time and let go and let god (as they say in the 12 step programmes) you can relax.

[ThatwasThen]

Here's a link on Caretaking vs Caregiving: Caregiving is healthy, caretaking is not.

 

 

[RoonilWaslib]

When you have good personal boundaries in place, you can trust because you trust yourself.

 

Suspicious of what exactly? There is no point in being suspicious of someone who isn't acting suspicious or shady. Learn to take one dat at a time and let go and let god (as they say in the 12 step programmes) you can relax.

Suspicious that I'm being liked to, deceived, tricked...basically that as soon as I let my guard down I will find out that this has all been a lie. It's irrational, as he isn't acting shady at all. It's almost compulsive for me at this point but I am really trying to challenge those beliefs.

[RoonilWaslib]

Here's a link on Caretaking vs Caregiving: Caregiving is healthy, caretaking is not.

 

 

Thank you so much! This is such an eye opener. I always saw myself as giving, giving, giving and never receiving anything in return. But it looks like the "giving" wasn't what I intended it to be in the first place...

[ThatwasThen]

Suspicious that I'm being liked to, deceived, tricked...basically that as soon as I let my guard down I will find out that this has all been a lie. It's irrational, as he isn't acting shady at all. It's almost compulsive for me at this point but I am really trying to challenge those beliefs.

What has your therapist suggested?

[RoonilWaslib]

What has your therapist suggested?

She suggested journaling about it when I start feeling this way (I'm already an avid journaler). She also had me make a "deal breakers" list so I have a more concrete idea of what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. She recommended that unless something seems pretty obviously wrong, I should try to let it go.