Did I miss some sign?

[Ardie]

We are both 50+.

He is divorced, I'm widowed.

We first met two years ago on an event. Start to communicate a lot, and had a great connection, friendly, for the time being. But as my friend was very much interested in him, I stepped aside. They got together and after few weeks she cheated on him. He found out. They split, she blamed me, became nasty and I ended that friendship.

To my surprise, he decided he can't talk to me anymore. Ever.

...

18 months later we met again on an event. He was all dear and nice and tried to make up for that split before. He asked me out, again and again, and eventually I said yes, although I kept my distance. It was rather painful when he just ended our relationship, and I didn't trust him much.

But, as time went by, I got more and more warm; we had such a good time wherever we went, and he had such ideas and was always in good mood. We talked a lot, laughed, drink, rode bikes, walk, dance, he invited me for a Sunday with his friends... I had the best time, ever. If we only haven't been just friends.

We never touched and never kissed. He asked me once, if we would lose what we have, if we sleep together. I said yes, we would. (Bearing in mind his occasional liaisons for few days... I just wouldn't like to be one in the row. But I never said that reason. )

He said OK, when you will, you will tell me.

Thought, if it's going to happen, it will have some frame. Relationship, for example.

...

Few days after that, he got fb message from a women he used to „date“ when they were young teenagers. She lives in another country now and „had a dreadfull life“, she cryed on his shoulder. Our daily conversations before sleep ended there – he was engaged in conversations and virtual sex with her. By telling him „he was the best what happen to her, in her whole life“ she bought him. I couldn't believe he really takes it seriously.

All the same, he wanted us to see more and more, so at the end, we met almost every day. I asked him how does he manage, with job and all (I work from home), but he said I'm the best company and he likes to be with me.

After few weeks he went to her, for a weekend. He was one man going there – a bit curious, a bit embarrassed, never taking this seriously... and the other one, coming back. Let alone sex, which I would said was ok, but when he came back, he start to say things as „she wanted me to live with her; when did we come to that?“ and „I could have a really well payed job there“ ... and she didn't take chances, she was in business. Talking to him every day, telling him what will they do – as it is done deal. She'll take a bigger apartment, so his kid has her room, when she comes... He'll take her car, until he buys himself another one. And so on.

 

I felt like in a bad dream. All our conversations became about her, or, at least, about him moving. (He has a good job here, not so well paid as that other one, but really interesting – about inventions. He was so happy to work that and felt good about himself.

He is concerned how will he manage boredom of prospective job, but the idea that the pay will let him give his kid a good start in life, and he will pay off his house loan, is to big to oversee that. With that I had to agree. )

He wanted me to get closer to her, to be her friend – which I declined. Nevertheless, she asked me over viber (yes, he give her my phone number!) does he behave. I was cold, said I'm not his kipper.

( At the same time, she is telling him it is understandable if he have somebody here and there, cause, he is man! And he believes her! „She is such a sport!“ But he never does excersise that permission.)

Few weeks later, he went there again, this time to spend a long weekend and then come back with her (she was due her holidays, which she planned many months before all this).

This few days without any contact with him made me realize that I (sadly) fell in love, that I have no chance and can expect more and more pain and humiliation, if I stay around. I had no intention to meet her, and to smile falsely, or to be cold, or anything. Because, I only wanted to cry, and that would be so inappropriate behavior. Not to mention that I see what I see, and he doesn't. He is all tingled in her stories, believing he is knight in shiny armor... She looks very plain, pretty stupid and she talks about how she was always a victim, but I seriously doubt it now.

 

Anyhow, it is too late, too late, too late...

 

When he got back I texted him (yes, I did. I would cry, and I didn't want to do that in front of him. I cry now, when I write it, and it's been over a month! I miss him terribly! )

 

So I texted him we will not see each other any more; he asked why, what happened!?; I said, I'm not happy anymore. He said an explanation would be nice; I gave it, saying I don't feel interesting and unique any more, and it makes me unhappy. He was astonished – how, why – but I ended that. I was very careful not to say I'm in love, because, what can he do about it?

 

I had that stupid image that we, so well together, so obviously crewing each others company, we could make a really good couple – we both are not into new marriage, we would like a relationship which lives space for some time alone, but still spending most of the time together, having the most fun and delight we can in our „golden“ years. Not to mention sex life.

That great understanding, the same sense of humor, it seemed to be a good foundation.

 

And than come along that woman, and took it all for herself.

 

What sign along the road did I miss? It all happened from January till mid June!

[DanZee]

I think your problem is pretty simple. He made his move. You rejected his advance. You showed you only wanted to be friends. You didn't want him to touch or kiss you. So he treated you like a friend like you wanted and he let you know about his good news in finding a new/old girlfriend. You now regret your decision and somehow blame him and his girlfriend. I'm sorry, but how was he suppose to know you had changed your mind and how long did you expect him to hang around for?

 

In the future, you have to be clearer about what you want. I do believe you're correct in assuming he had a wandering eye and might cheat on you. So I think ultimately, you'll be better off without him. But it seems you only wanted him when some other woman wanted him.

[Ardie]

I think your problem is pretty simple. He made his move. You rejected his advance. You showed you only wanted to be friends. You didn't want him to touch or kiss you. So he treated you like a friend like you wanted and he let you know about his good news in finding a new/old girlfriend. You now regret your decision and somehow blame him and his girlfriend. I'm sorry, but how was he suppose to know you had changed your mind and how long did you expect him to hang around for?

 

In the future, you have to be clearer about what you want. I do believe you're correct in assuming he had a wandering eye and might cheat on you. So I think ultimately, you'll be better off without him. But it seems you only wanted him when some other woman wanted him.

 

First of all, thank you for your answer. So, I did miss that. I was confused, pretty much. I thought we are slowly coming somewhere. Very slowly...

 

And for your last sentence - I did want him before her, but didn't interpret his "moves" correctly.

 

Do I blame him and her for something? I blame her, for being so aggressive and yet playing poor lamb. I don't like that in people. Makes idiots of others.

But, in any case, she did "take" him, so I would be really a big person to like her, wouldn't I?

[mustlovedogs]

I'm just extrapolating. But your friend who did the cheating blamed you and so did he. That's not normal behavior so it makes me think you were, in fact, somehow involved.

[Ardie]

I'm just extrapolating. But your friend who did the cheating blamed you and so did he. That's not normal behavior so it makes me think you were, in fact, somehow involved.

 

My so called friend cheat on her boyfriend, and was annoyed that she get caught.

He was, he said afterwords, under her influence, and took for granted what she was talking about me.

So, how am I involved?

 

Does that make any changes in recent events, in your opinion?

[mustlovedogs]

My so called friend cheat on her boyfriend, and was annoyed that she get caught.

He was, he said afterwords, under her influence, and took for granted what she was talking about me.

So, how am I involved?

 

Does that make any changes in recent events, in your opinion?

 

Your answer could change my opinion, yes.

 

Why was she annoyed at YOU that she got caught? I would like more details about that specifically.

[Ardie]

Your answer could change my opinion, yes.

 

Why was she annoyed at YOU that she got caught? I would like more details about that specifically.

 

I meant, did that - what happen two years ago- made any changes to recent events? I mentioned that only to clarify why we were friends as first kind of relationship at all.

 

When she disappeared with that guy from the party, someone wanted to inform her boyfriend about it. It wasn't me. But she thought it was.

 

/I had a choice to make, I admit. To say or not to say... eternal problem/.

[mustlovedogs]

Here's what I'm thinking. It sounds like you had some hand in making them split. Then you rejected him, was his friend while he progressed with other women, and freaked out when he wasn't more than a friend. To me, you seem like drama. That's the root of my questions. It's relevant because he may feel you're a drama seeking person that doesn't communicate well and therefore he chooses not to date you.

[Ardie]

Here's what I'm thinking. It sounds like you had some hand in making them split. Then you rejected him, was his friend while he progressed with other women, and freaked out when he wasn't more than a friend. To me, you seem like drama. That's the root of my questions. It's relevant because he may feel you're a drama seeking person that doesn't communicate well and therefore he chooses not to date you.

 

Here's what I'm thinking.

 

You have some issues with cheating, so you just got tingled in a loop, and never really read my post till the end.

My post is not about cheating; and I had a question, which is in title - so you couldn't miss it. But you did. And never answer to it.

It was only important to flap-diagnose me,wasn't it? Wrong, by the way.

 

It is sad, since you are platinum member, which means many people are reading what you say, and you should be more careful in the future, and actually read first, and then answer to people.

[mustlovedogs]

Here's what I'm thinking.

 

You have some issues with cheating, so you just got tingled in a loop, and never really read my post till the end.

My post is not about cheating; and I had a question, which is in title - so you couldn't miss it. But you did. And never answer to it.

It was only important to flap-diagnose me,wasn't it? Wrong, by the way.

 

It is sad, since you are platinum member, which means many people are reading what you say, and you should be more careful in the future, and actually read first, and then answer to people.

 

Geeze. You obviously didn't read what I said.

 

You mentioned earlier actions and therefore thought they were relevant. I did too. You're avoiding the questions I asked.

 

In your responses, I see a lot of reasons why I personally wouldn't date someone like you. I was inquiring to see if those were valid or pre judgements. This most recent response is dramatic, judgmental, and avoident. I read your post. My questions are valid.

[Ardie]

You are wonderful.