How can we make this work

[Angelwingz]

So my and my partner have been together for over 6 years now and got married five month ago. For a year or so she had been sleeping with a man to get pregnant for us to have a family, the man was a donor who she met online it took all of emotional strength for me to allow her to have sex with him. But got passed it, she stop seeing him last year and then after 5 month we got married. She then decided she wanted to try again we both met the bloke and she slept with him on her next window. While we were away on holiday she was getting lots of message from him, I saw a couple and was worried with what I saw. She want to sleep with a man more often but didn't want to tell me. When I confronted her she said she wouldn't stop seeing him, I was and still am heart broken. He says he is not interested in any long term with her and has not plans of sticking around to help raise a child. I stupidly aggree that she could still see him even thou it hurts so much I can't give her the sex she can have with him. ( she was previous married to a bloke for 5-6 year she likes sex with men). I'm so confused I want to give her a child and wish so badly I could have the physical sex she has with a man it's tearing me apart. I want this so badly to work, I know at the minute my confident is low which is not attractive who can blame me thou...Anyone been in a similar position?

[MissCanuck]

OP, come on.

 

Can you really not see she's not sleeping with him solely for the purposes of getting pregnant? This isn't a fertility issue. It's a cheating issue.

 

Had you two not discussed other more reasonable options? IVF, adoption, and so on? Where did she find this guy? Have you met him? What is the legal arrangement should she actually become pregnant and then he decides he wants to be part of his child's life?

 

This is lunacy.

[cristal]

And what are the reasons why you cannot give her the same sex? It appears as if she has fallen in love with the other man. If this continues, prepare yourself for her to move on with the other guy.

 

This is a really bad arrangement and must be terminated asap if there is any modicum of a chance to save your marriage.

[glitterfingers]

Whilst IVF and adoption can be difficult/unaffordable for many couples, they may be worth considering.

 

But I'm just surprised she's not gotten pregnant yet. He could be infertile. Also, I don't think it's normal for sperm donors to have sex with the recipient! I am pretty sure the protocol is that they jizz in a cup and hand it over to medical professionals who help women afterwards. This is the right way to do it because there are more legal protections for both biological parents with the uniqueness of the arrangement.

 

Agreed. This is a cheating issue. I wouldn't be happy here either. You're basically in an open relationship without having given 'informed consent' to the terms

[MissCanuck]

And what are the reasons why you cannot give her the same sex? It appears as if she has fallen in love with the other man. If this continues, prepare yourself for her to move on with the other guy.

 

This is a really bad arrangement and must be terminated asap if there is any modicum of a chance to save your marriage.

 

The way I interpreted it, OP is a woman too. I might be mistaken, though.

[cristal]

The way I interpreted it, OP is a woman too. I might be mistaken, though.

 

I read it again and there is a slight innuendo that it might be a woman, but still unclear.

 

Thanks Miss C for the heads up.

[Andrina]

Ever hear of using a turkey baster to insert the sperm? It worked for at least one woman. ANY other option, whether it be remaining childless, adopting a foster child, or going broke with other options would be far better than destroying your relationship with your extremely poor decision-making skills.

[TulipTrees]

Sorry but she is bi and not monogamous. She wants to be polyamory and see multiple people at once.

 

Most gay people just us artificial insemination or surrogates and don't date their baby's genetic parent because he could always sue for custody of the baby or she could decide she wants to leave and live with her baby's father rather than you and you have no claims or rights to the child.

 

So the issue is monogamy and fidelity and maintaining your parental rights over any child she bears. Sadly she may not be willing to live in a monogamous marriage so you need to find that out sooner rather than later and move on if she won't agree to stop seeing men and get inseminated instead.

[Angelwingz]

OP, come on.

 

Can you really not see she's not sleeping with him solely for the purposes of getting pregnant? This isn't a fertility issue. It's a cheating issue.

 

Had you two not discussed other more reasonable options? IVF, adoption, and so on? Where did she find this guy? Have you met him? What is the legal arrangement should she actually become pregnant and then he decides he wants to be part of his child's life?

 

This is lunacy.

 

Yeah we had she said she would find ivf to much, she wants her own child, an online donor site, he said he just wants to help a couple, we are his first couples. I have met him, and spoke to after he declare his love for my wife. He said he got carried away in the moment.

I get where your coming from but he sent her messages saying he will be there for forever and that he cares for her and has fallen for her, this was after the first session she has since said she misses the sex with a man and wants to continue after pregnant she also, wants to meet with him with it is not in her window. I really love her it was difficult to get my head around the sex for a child but the fact she has been to see him four times in three week another two session booked in for this week.

[RainyCoast]

never thought i'd say this but: even a turkey baster would've been a more rational approach than this, if for whatever reason she didn't want to get AI the conventional way.

 

she doesn't need to be "seeing" a donor. one "sees" and "sleeps with" a cheating partner.

 

not sure how you could blind yourself to that. doesn't sound like you're the least bit into the multiple partners idea either. it takes a special sort of bad relationship and partner for this to happen, i don't see any reason to attempt to fix anything, nor do i think you can fix anything with this sort of person.

 

it was clear as day she was cheating and you were shoving your head in the sand, so i fear until you resolve whatever made you tell yourself you could accept this, you won't be likely to move from this spot you're stuck at. so i'd start fixing that first, personally.

 

i'm sorry for your pain, truly. this sounds dreadful. i hope you muster the strength to choose better.

 

i don't understand whether the whole thing resulted in pregnancy or not, but i hope not. methinks this is the last person you want to bring up a child with.

[Angelwingz]

It all sort out happened really quick we only met him 4 weeks ago. She said they just clicked, she said she is not interested in him long term. She loves the life we have together. She has had the feeling something was missing in our sex life she has kept this from me for 5 -6years and it is sometime a man can give her. I get that toy aren't like a . I'm struggling with the fact I wanted to be a man when I was young. But there is nothing I can do...

[RainyCoast]

right, she lied for 6 years and then cheated.

 

your call. this is her. if that's what you want...

[MissCanuck]

You're about to get your heart broken in a major way, OP.

 

This open affair has nothing to do with fertility or pregnancy anymore. You need to see this for what it is: an ongoing emotional and physical affair, with the odd twist of having your consent.

 

If you would like a monogamous marriage, she's not the one for you.

[glitterfingers]

Well, seems she has openly admitted that this is not just about the sex/pregnancy anymore. If there is any glimmer of hope, it's the fact that she is being honest about this now. And if, as you say, it's only been going on for four weeks, it may be early enough that you can communicate with her the reasons you're uncomfortable with this and she may be receptive and willing to change course.

 

Have you led her to believe that you're in agreement with her sleeping with someone else? Possibly because you also want this child and are trying to justify it under those terms, even though you're clearly NOT okay?

 

I think your first course of action needs to be adequate communication. Your situation is not simple or easy, you are (I presume) a same sex couple who want a child, and joint custody of that child - that's always going to present challenges to you in the current political climate. There's no way to get around that at the moment. These challenges are made even more difficult by the fact that you're renegotiating the terms of your marriage to accommodate your desire to have a child. I think this is a mistake.

 

Be very clear with her about your desires and expectations, and simply ask her to discontinue her relationship with this man. Cut off contact completely. As others have said, it gets particularly difficult if he falls for her, they conceive a child and later he wants a role in that child's life. Would you be able to live with this man in your life who has feelings/attachments to your wife and child (and they to him)? I don't think that's fair. But since you are doing this in such a 'casual' arrangement, this is a very real threat

 

Communicate first, see what her response is. Hold off on the pregnancy plans for a while. And if things start getting better, find a more formal way to achieve your goals. A child is not worth overstepping your emotional boundaries, because the health of your relationship is paramount to that child's wellbeing.