Is he just not that into me?

[Vexna]

Hey!

 

So I'm seeing this guy who's on disability for ADD and alot of other symptoms. He often spends time at his parents house in the countryside where he stays for weeks at a time. sometimes months. He doesn't have a phone either (I'm not kidding) so I can't reach him and he hasn't given me the number to his parents so i can't reach him through them.

 

His home in the heart of the city is pretty much empty except for a couch, a table a bed and some kitchen things. It's been like that all of his life but I never understood why until I got to know him better.

 

I get that he goes out to his parents to rest from the city and "load up" but he comes to town, drinks and parties a couple of days and then leaves again, which isn't what I call a relationship. Sure, he's funny, okay looking and we share a common interest where we play the same instrument and since he's better at it than me, he teaches me so we rehearse together but this doesn't feel enough. His sense of humour is great and I laugh my ass off while with him but..All this time alone ..I don't know, maybe I'm just needy?

 

Whenever he has money though, he always treats me to food and such and he's very masculine so that's nice and sweet and he very often tells me how much he likes me and doesn't like when I go home alone at night but that's about all the effort he puts down. I wanna blame this on him being sick but come on... He also has absolutely NO interest in sex due to his sickness. He actually can't get an erection. Or for a short time like a minute or so and then his interest fades.

 

It all gets me depressed. We have so much fun while he's in town and then it's another couple of weeks or more on my own. He also decides when to meet and often he doesn't show up and thinks it's okay to not let me know he won't turn up because he stayed on at his parents.

 

Actually the more I write about it all, the angrier I get. Why does he treat me this way? Cause I allow it? I actually dumped him last year and he went quiet for a couple of months but then started to leave these notes for me in my mailbox. He wouldn't let go. Hmm, maybe he's just bored and needs a friend, so I guess I shouldn't take him too serious? this sure isn't like any relationship I've ever had before. Who just up and leaves like this again and again?

 

On the other hand he says "Do you have any IDEA how much I like you?" often and told me how he couldn't sleep once when he thought I had cheated on him (long story). And I could tell he wasn't lying, he was unshaved and looked worried so something was bothering him.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting. Can someone just tell me to dump him or stay? And don't be modest, I can take it.

[melancholy123]

Ok, you can take it. Dump him. He doesnt sound like a good boyfriend, he sounds more like a friend with issues who comes in and goes out of your life on a regular basis. If you want to continue like that, fine, but if you want a real relationship with a guy, he's not the right one.

[Honeycomb8]

Why are you ok with taking scraps?

Ur standards are underground.

[MissCanuck]

This man is not date-able. For so many reasons, I would have cut this off a long time ago.

 

But out of curiosity: How do you plan activities with him if he doesn't have a phone? How do you contact each other?

[Hollyj]

What a waste of time! Why would you date someone like this????

 

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, than deal with that crap!

[Hollyj]

I read some of your previous threads. This guy has treated you disgracefully. Most importantly, he did not believe you when you were raped.

 

This man should not be a part of your life - as other posters have advised. Have you received counseling for the rape?

 

Get this guy out of your life! Once and for all!

[annie24]

I don't think that this is the right man for you. I think you should find someone who is more of a good match. It also sounds like he has some issues he needs to work out before he can be in a relationship.

[Vexna]

Well, we broke up today. I feel so releived! He's manipulative, which is the way he got me in the first place, and lies. He even lied to social services to get an apartment, claiming he was suicidal due to homelessness, which he wasn't.

 

I have another question though. It's about another guy. (I know, but they're raining down) He's 9 years younger than me and we get along fine but there are warning signs.

 

After meeting the first time, we kept in touch and two weeks in, he wanted me and my cat to come up (halfways up the country) and paied for the ticket. When up, he didn't come to meet me and so there I stood with my cat at an empty station in the middle of the night in the freezing cold. In the morning he finally answered his phone and said he had fallen asleep. I was upset and raised my voice since I panicked and couldn't get home without a ticket back. He replied with a "Don't act like such a c**t" and hung up.

 

My friend called and calmed him down by reminding him of the situation where I couldn't get back home and so he calmed down and came to get me. He seemed very embarrassed to have left me there. We went to his place and I stayed for a day but the bed was honestly so filthy that I couldn't sleep so I went home the next day.

 

I also noticed an empty sixpack on the counter and he had told me he had lost his license due to an DUI and had to retake it.

 

With dinner he drank four beers which I found strange since he had obviously been drinking the night before. So I'm sensing alcoholism here?

 

Now his boss was with him when we met and my friend got in a discussion with him about the one time my friend had tried a drug. From the moment my friend mentioned that, the boss stamped us both as drug addicts and wouldn't let go of it. I felt insulted since I don't drink due to health and religious reasons and my friend had enough so we left.

 

The night I was on the train, his boss with wife was on his case about me coming up and from what I've understood both are alcoholics. So I guess they meddled in his life and it was his job or me and he chose his survival, which explains why he didn't pick me up.

 

His boss however drank the business away and left him jobless so he now has a new job in the same line. (He's talented so he found a new job within two days).

 

The incidents aside we got along great. He gave the impression of being a sensible guy with good values except for the drinking.

 

He's also building a house he wants me to decorate for him, he says that's almost ready and sends me pictures of him working on it.

 

I can see a future with this guy but I have concearns with the drinking, his young age (his motto is "cars, chicks and beer!") and that he told me he breaks up with women fast. (Huge warning there!)

 

Look, I already know what I shouldn't do but I need to hear it.

 

So sock it to me, would ya?

[MissCanuck]

You really should not be dating at all until you fix your man-picker.

 

Your standards are non-existent so you wind up with jerkstores like these last two.

[Vexna]

I know. I've been in therapy but they didn't adress the issue at all. Think its due to low selfesteem.

[Hollyj]

You need to take a long break from men. Find a new therapist, one that deals with rape.?

 

Stop finding men to make you happy, you need to find the happiness on your own. Once you are in a better place, you will no longer attract these losers!

[Hollyj]

"fter meeting the first time, we kept in touch and two weeks in, he wanted me and my cat to come up (halfways up the country) and paied for the ticket. When up, he didn't come to meet me and so there I stood with my cat at an empty station in the middle of the night in the freezing cold. In the morning he finally answered his phone and said he had fallen asleep. I was upset and raised my voice since I panicked and couldn't get home without a ticket back. He replied with a "Don't act like such a c**t" and hung up.

My friend called and calmed him down by reminding him of the situation where I couldn't get back home and so he calmed down and came to get me. He seemed very embarrassed to have left me there. We went to his place and I stayed for a day but the bed was honestly so filthy that I couldn't sleep so I went home the next day.

 

I also noticed an empty sixpack on the counter and he had told me he had lost his license due to an DUI and had to retake it.

 

With dinner he drank four beers which I found strange since he had obviously been drinking the night before. So I'm sensing alcoholism here?"

You have horrendous taste in men. The first bit, where he forgot to pick you up, would have been it for me. Then to call you a cu*t, is so disrespectful, I don't have words.

 

Good God, Girl, where is your self respect. This guy is even worse than the first, if that is possible.

 

Stay away from men for a long while. Get yourself together.

[Hollyj]

"(his motto is "cars, chicks and beer!)"

 

 

Good grief! Is he 15 years old? He sounds like a complete joke!

[Vexna]

Girls: You're absolutely right. Until I've gained selfesteem I really should stay far from men. You're right about considering a partner to make me happier aswell but I know that happiness lay within getting well and not these inmature douchebags. I've also had friends that's been nagging me about it but I've since gotten rid of those friends.

I love you girls for the advice!