jitterbug Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 My boyfriend abruptly broke up with me. He said he wants to be by himself and then told me issues he had with us, which he never talked to me about before. Normal stuff like he needed more time to himself. I tried to beg him to give us one chance to fix it but he was set. So I let it go. He moved back home, 5 hours away. And I've adopted no contact as it's all too painful. I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks. I stopped following him and some friends on social media, but things keep slipping through. it's killing me. I've seen that he has a new job and has already found a house share. It's not even been a month. And every day, little things crop up. Like he's deleted my profile on the Netflix account we used. Or today, he removed himself from the group chat with all my friends (and his friends, now, after living here). That felt poignant...like he's removing himself from our life. I feel like I have no connections left. Just memories. I can't believe this. I feel like he's trying to forget we ever had a life together. When we broke up he said he loved me so much but he needed to be alone. And I just can't understand all of this. I'm trying to carry on but he's the love of my life. It hurts so much. How can someone just move on from such a good, loving relationship just because they hit a bump? Please be kind. I'm incredibly low at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disenchanted Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 How long were you guys together for? I recognize your username. I know you used to post in the Getting Back Together part of the forum, as did I. I recently moved here in this part of the forum after an hour long conversation with my ex that solidified that she does not want me back and is happy now. This is 2 months post break-up. Here's the thing, NC in the first month was tough and you're still there. It's a great idea that you're in the Healing section of this forum, because you're not holding out too much hope. I did that for 2 months, and after my conversation with my ex, the pain was like Day 1 after being left. I know this because that was yesterday. Things are going to keep coming up, and it looks like he wants a clean break. I'm sorry to say, but when people say that their partner never mentioned a concern before, my brain automatically thinks that they did, but the other was just not listening. Or maybe they were definite signs. Or maybe he was just being a jerk for not expressing the concern earlier - but if this was the case, you don't want to be with someone who does not communicate. He's bound to pick up his life again, because he has to. I know this is painful, I'm feeling the same. Just know that you're on the right track. You didn't say anything in your post that makes it look like you're doing unhealthy things to hinder your healing process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jitterbug Posted July 29, 2017 Author Share Posted July 29, 2017 It'll have been 3 years next month. The thing is, I am losing hope, but that's making me feel worse. Hope was all that got me through. The only contact I've had from him is him saying he missed me and was depressed because we weren't speaking. But I didn't reply as I knew it wouldn't change things. In the year we lived together, we had one very casual and brief conversation where he said he wanted to focus on making music in the evenings more. And I was fine with that. But his wanting space was a bigger issue that we never explored because...well he didn't try to. After we broke up, we discussed these things and he agreed, so I don't think it was a lack of listening on my part. I've realised he's terrible at communicating in relationships...I asked why he never sat me down and had a real conversation about how he felt, and he seemed stunned that that was even an option. He kept saying he just thought things would get better, as if by magic. He's not so experienced with relationships, and we had seldom problems, so it felt like when we hit hard times, he hadn't a clue how to handle it. I just wanted a chance to learn together. To figure it out together. The break wasn't clean. It took 2 months to sort things out, pack our flat. In that time, he continuously told me he loved me and asked if I would visit him in the future. I asked why, as I didn't want to be friends, and he couldn't really explain, he just said he couldn't bare not seeing me again and we'd have had a lot of space by then. I just wanted a chance...we had such a strong relationship, and he's expressed so much love throughout. It's not the case of we tried over and over and couldn't fix it. It was so out of the blue...my friends think he's running. They say it sounds like he's running from issues he didn't know how to attempt to solve, and he's trying to keep really busy. It just hurts so much. He did the whole "I need to figure out what I want in my life, I don't know who I am" thing. So it's hard for me. I'm torn between wanting to just get away from all the pain and put it behind me...but I love him so much, and it feels like he needs a bit of time and space to figure things out. I hate this. I genuinely can't tell if he's leading me on, or if he's just sincerely confused. Edit: also, thank you for your reply. and I am so sorry to hear about that conversation, it must've been awful. Heartbreak is hell, I feel so bad for all of us in this boat. I wish the pain wouldn't take so long to dissipate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elavohra Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Let him go, please let him go. It's not he who needs the space, it's you who need to have space. Honey, you've to learn to move forward now, you have to now take care of yourself. In reality, things actually happen out of the blue. You love him, and this is why you've to suffer the pain of letting him go. Go on complete NC, this is going to be tough I know, we are all here in one way or the other dealing with the same issues. You need to build your life now as he's already begun to start building and living his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seanryder Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 You're torturing yourself.....three years! Let him go.....It's high-time you erased him from your life. By clinging on to this fantasy (I think it's fair to call it that after three years) you are blocking yourself from moving on and being open to new and better possibilities. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleekAvocado Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Heartbreak is painful, it extremely is. We are all on the same boat. You will need to let him go because he himself let you go. I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak. By moving on and not contacting him anymore is the only way to slowly heal and let yourself grow. As Elavohra said, he is already beginning to build his life, and you should too. We are in this together, okay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jitterbug Posted July 29, 2017 Author Share Posted July 29, 2017 You're torturing yourself.....three years! Let him go.....It's high-time you erased him from your life. By clinging on to this fantasy (I think it's fair to call it that after three years) you are blocking yourself from moving on and being open to new and better possibilities. Good luck. Just to clarify, I meant we were together almost 3 years. We only broke up a couple months ago... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jitterbug Posted July 29, 2017 Author Share Posted July 29, 2017 To those saying let him go...I don't even know what that means, beyond what I am doing. I've had no contact since he moved away. I'm trying hard to block things out and focus on my life. But the fact that I love him won't go away. The thoughts and memories and questions in my head won't stop. Even in moments when I feel I've accepted this loss, I know that I've never been happier than I was during this relationship. Even if I'll be happy again, it'll be lesser. I'm not sure how to be ok with that. I'm not reaching out to him or trying to cling to anything. It's all just...there. Whether I like it or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 i'm so sorry. you're going to hate me for this, and i promise i don't mean to be insensitive. but i find there's nothing but selflessness you can do in situations like these. we don't have a claim on anyone. nobody does. i think making a habit out of genuinely wishing people the best, and whatever it is they consider fulfillment, with or without me, makes things much less complicated. i know it feels counter-intuitive at this point, to not think about your needs- or your loss. but i honestly, 100% believe the best way to un-hook your energy from this focus on your pain is to let go, when letting go is what makes the other happy. it's not just keeping your hands off your phone. let go emotionally by deciding that if you love him like you say you do, then you have enough love to survive someone else taking theirs away. you'll do just fine when you allow yourself to see you're perfectly strong, and autonomous enough to feel full and content enough for this to not be dependent upon others. i'm really sorry for your pain. write more if you need to. we're here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 To those saying let him go...I don't even know what that means, beyond what I am doing. I've had no contact since he moved away. I'm trying hard to block things out and focus on my life. But the fact that I love him won't go away. The thoughts and memories and questions in my head won't stop. Even in moments when I feel I've accepted this loss, I know that I've never been happier than I was during this relationship. Even if I'll be happy again, it'll be lesser. I'm not sure how to be ok with that. I'm not reaching out to him or trying to cling to anything. It's all just...there. Whether I like it or not. You are only a couple of months out of an almost 3 year relationship. What you are experiencing is normal and will take time to get past. In my last relationship of 3.5 years, although I let go of the thought of getting back together all the feelings you express above lingered apart from the bolded. The love took time to fade, the questions took time for me to fully let go of. Add to that knowing that I had been overlapped and within 5 months he had gotten the girl pregnant. It was rough. BUt the point is, and if I understand what you are saying correctly, that I did make the decision to 'let go' pretty early on after the breakup. Your feelings will catch up to that decision later, after you have processed it all. As for the bolded, I think that is a defeated way to look at things and that mindset actually could keep you stuck. You really won't ever be okay with that, if that's the mindset you choose. I realize you are still early in the process and that may fade in time. We get a little dramatic when we've been hurt. Despite the sloppy way my ex handled the breakup I still think he's a decent guy and it was the healthiest relationship I had been in to date. BUT - there are too many people on this planet for me to believe that I can never have that again, or that it can't be better. For him, maybe the transition from years of long distance to living together was a bigger challenge than he anticipated. You mentioned (in your first thread) that over half of the time you lived together you were depressed and unable to do much. Not that your health problems are your fault, but it may have just turned out to be more than he was able to handle. I can sympathize, as I have a chronic health condition that has affected my quality of life as well. I think by the time someone gets to the place of "needing" space you've already lost them. So even if he had voiced that it would have just been a prelude, a soft ease into a real break up. Sorry for your pain. Unfortunately there is no quick fix for heartbreak but you sound like you are working on getting to a better place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellie00 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Sorry for your pain. I am going through this too. I haven't been dealing with it very well at all. I've given in to talking to him and seeing him. I want to be together, he is the one that ended it after 16 years. Mine has not erased me from his life at this point. He has began to see someone causally though. I just found out tonight. This hurts because he is still talking to me and just this morning we talked about us. I need to let go and move on but it is so hard. The hope of getting back together has kept me from completely falling apart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jitterbug Posted July 31, 2017 Author Share Posted July 31, 2017 Sorry for your pain. I am going through this too. I haven't been dealing with it very well at all. I've given in to talking to him and seeing him. I want to be together, he is the one that ended it after 16 years. Mine has not erased me from his life at this point. He has began to see someone causally though. I just found out tonight. This hurts because he is still talking to me and just this morning we talked about us. I need to let go and move on but it is so hard. The hope of getting back together has kept me from completely falling apart. That's awful...after 16 years, I'm so sorry. How long ago did he end it? I was talking to and seeing my ex too for a few weeks. But once he moved away, I decided I had to cut it all off. I don't want to move on from him but, right now, he isn't the person I want. The person I love is lost and confused, and may as well not exist right now. So I'm hoping he'll find his way, and will come back to me once he does. Either way, I've accepted I have no control of this and it's something he has to go through alone. Some days I have faith we'll work things out, some days I don't, and I feel like love means nothing. It's awful. My advice to you would be to cut contact. This doesn't mean you have to get over him, but if he is seeing someone & still has you as a back up/emotional support, there's no incentive for him to make a real decision. I've been reading a lot about male psychology, relationship psychology etc and it seems clear that men need time & a lot of space to process their feelings and reflect on their problems. Try to distance yourself, build yourself up and allow him time to go through whatever the hell he's going through. I hope he gets through the novelty of his fling and realises he misses his real life, I really do. There's a chance of that. You don't have to give up hope yet, because it can help you survive, but don't let it be your only focus. Live your life as if he won't come back, and if he does, it'll be your choice to take him back or not. It won't be out of desperation. After 16 years he will not just get over you. Try to trust that space is the best thing, one way or another. Thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellie00 Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 I moved out of our house on June 27th. That's when I consider the breakup. He says it was back In March. I'm trying to stay strong and move on. I'm keeping myself busy. I've started working out, I have a lot to do for myself. He just sucks me in all the time. He knows I will always be there if he needs me. I've gotta try to not respond though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wreckedbythex Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 Jitterbug I feel your pain. I'm a guy and my girl left me on june 27th after 4 and a half years. It's unreal, the initial pain and shuck was unbearable. Here I am a month later and just starting NC today. Wish me luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellie00 Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 Jitterbug I feel your pain. I'm a guy and my girl left me on june 27th after 4 and a half years. It's unreal, the initial pain and shuck was unbearable. Here I am a month later and just starting NC today. Wish me luck Good luck! I am restarting NC again as it's been rough for me. Hopefully I can be strong this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disenchanted Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Good luck Wreckedbythex and ellie00! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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