dave4443 Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Just wondering ( I know no contact is for me to grow and that's exactly what I'm doing ) but how many of you have had a dumper reach out to you eventually? even if you were over it Me and my ex gf were together for 6 years broke up and for 6 weeks after I was being fed bread crumbs, I was proving how id changed after uni and I loved the person I became during this, we kissed a few times but she mentioned she wants to date, grass is greener stuff I guess as she didn't believe I'd changed for real just to get her back Said I needed a break after professing my love obviously and I'd message in a week, it's been 8 days now and I'm not going yo message yet, I'm doing much better, focusing on starting a club teaching kids to film and my work, proving to me that I've changed for me and not just for her Thing is during this week I know she's had a second date with some guy and probably more which is why I'm not going to message, she'll hear about me through mutual friends I'm sure but I still would love to have her back at the moment. Anyone had an ex date someone else and come back? I'm hoping this guy is a rebound but part of me , a very tiny part is also hoping that by the time they break up I've moved on or will definitely take it slow with her TL;DR - breaking no contact or sticking with it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kpb018 Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Yes you will find that some ex's will feed you bread crumbs/string you along to keep you interested so have you as a back up option if all else fails or to help them feel good about themselves or even just own amusement,out of guilt etc. You're just better off just going no contact and blocking her number. Sounds like you are doing a great job on everything but continue doing it for yourself and not to prove a point to herself. I've had a ex come back but it's never the same and most likely to fail again,you're just better off moving on and finding someone better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave4443 Posted July 29, 2017 Author Share Posted July 29, 2017 Yeah I'm keeping up the no contact which is great. Just signed up to good Samaritans to be a phone volunteer too So I do feel like a much better person. Still hope this new guy is a rebound as we were cuddling all day the week I found out which, does make me kinda angry at her. Focusing on making myself better though and if she does call me up one day maybe I'll be over her. Having two minds now, one still wants her back and one knows how well I'm doing now haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elavohra Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Well, my ex didn't come back. He's stubborn to his taken decision. Even if I change or not it seems he'll never ever change his opinion for me. I tried my best to reconcile the things, but he had become too snobbish (we broke up in late April, I tried to work out things between us till May end, but failed. Did NC of one month, he never turned back and didn't even text me a single "Hey". I after one month of NC contacted him, and again tried to reconcile from June to mid July, and again I failed to reconcile. Now I am doing NC for myself, changing for myself, improving for myself).Yes, rejection hurts so much. My self-esteem and self confidence has taken a very bad hit. I know he broke up because of my negative qualities. I know I have made mistakes. But now, I have to let him go though even I want him to call me at least once in the near future. So the thing is, even if she doesn't come back then also you better keep moving forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kpb018 Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Awesome to hear,helping others not only makes you feel good about yourself but can make a big difference in someone else life especially in a field like that you could actually save a life...a counselor I was seeing was telling me how it's unbelievable the amount of people who go to see her about depression. Ps always concentrate on the future not the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Stick with NC. I've had them come back for attention, validation, sex. The times it seems they came back for a relationship were bad times, not good. Unless we have new skills, tried tested and truly have new skills, we - each of us -will repeat the same patterns. Now I tell myself, There is a reason we were drawn together and a reason we are apart. Usually, the reason is the same; the coming together and the breaking up were because of one major trait. ( Not a flaw or a strength. Every trait has its downside and every flaw has its upside. ). That trait is the lesson. I obsess until I figure out what I can learn from the experience. Leave the person. Take the lesson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave4443 Posted July 29, 2017 Author Share Posted July 29, 2017 Definitely moving forward, as nearly everyone I know says the chances this guy is the one are slim which do help right now but won't forever, making myself a better person means if it does happen it'll be perfect but if It doesn't then I know I'll have someone even better due to the changes I've made in my appearance and attitude, going to the gym 6 days a week definitely helps as well, main process is that I'll make sure I'm better than this new guy in every way for myself to feel good and it's a great motivator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rustysuit Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 It's too early for a real change to have happened...and by the sound of things, she's the one who needs to change, not you. Anyway, keep doing NC and focusing on yourself. If it's meant to be, you'll know it in your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave4443 Posted July 29, 2017 Author Share Posted July 29, 2017 Yeah part of me thinks she chsnged a bit for the worse during those 6 weeks I was trying so hard and she wanted to date, said she still loves me and all that but i like who I became, attentive and loving and all that shiz, whereas she just used me as a crutch until someone else came, which is why each day I think a tiny bit longer about maybe she won't deserve the new me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 I feel better when I discover and accept that I don't want the other person. Not because they aren't good enough, but because their traits aren't traits I want in my life. I feel worse when I think ill of them, so I say only that we are different or want different things. This helps me see my choices, to see how I have power and am not a victim. It helps me see I was fighting to make the other person be who I want them to be, and I wasn't accepting them as they are. And if I didn't accept them, why would they want to be with me? Or I with them? Then the break up becomes a logical change to which I will become accustomed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave4443 Posted July 29, 2017 Author Share Posted July 29, 2017 I feel better when I discover and accept that I don't want the other person. Not because they aren't good enough, but because their traits aren't traits I want in my life. I feel worse when I think ill of them, so I say only that we are different or want different things. This helps me see my choices, to see how I have power and am not a victim. It helps me see I was fighting to make the other person be who I want them to be, and I wasn't accepting them as they are. And if I didn't accept them, why would they want to be with me? Or I with them? Then the break up becomes a logical change to which I will become accustomed. I wish I could discover that at the moment, in your female opinion what do you think the chances of this guy she's seeing now are being the one? Since we were cuddling that very week I do feel slightly used and I'm not going to contact until this new relationship runs its course ( if it ever does ) and maybe by then I'll be in a much better place and have accepted what you've said Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 I don't think of us can tell. My exH married the woman he cheated on me with, and then as well as now he will tell you I am the better woman in many ways but she is the better match. Remember that people are not better or worse than one another. We are better matches amd worse matches for one another. As people we are equal. If she and he stay together, it may be because they are willing to cheat on one another, to tolerate explosive fights and selfish behavior, to behave in some way that doesn't work for you. He is surely better or worse at some things. In sum, he is just Not You. You are you. Focus on what you want in a match, mirror that within yourself, and you will find it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave4443 Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 Yeah I guess that's true, it's just her brother telling me how she said she loves me she just doesn't see the future right now, making all the changes for me and all that, desperately want to break no contact to ask her for a coffee or something but if she's seeing someone else she may not want too I guess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Yeah I guess that's true, it's just her brother telling me how she said she loves me she just doesn't see the future right now, making all the changes for me and all that, desperately want to break no contact to ask her for a coffee or something but if she's seeing someone else she may not want too I guess If you're talking to her brother about her and her feelings for you etc that's still Contact, that's indirect contact as your finding info about her and vice versa as she's probably still talking to her brother. You need to cut off mutual friends and her family etc and fake it till you make it like she's dead and gone. Indirect contact will also keep you stuck cause it's causing your mind to whirr.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave4443 Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 If you're talking to her brother about her and her feelings for you etc that's still Contact, that's indirect contact as your finding info about her and vice versa as she's probably still talking to her brother. You need to cut off mutual friends and her family etc and fake it till you make it like she's dead and gone. Indirect contact will also keep you stuck cause it's causing your mind to whirr.. Really good friends with her brother sadly haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eidetic Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 The only people who change much in six weeks are, like, embryos. Set a new target date of six or eight months out, to see whether anyone has changed. Some changes only happen over the course of years, or even a decade, and won't be apparent during the incremental shifts through that time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ames34 Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 ^^^^hahahaha yes^^^ But seriously, this is very true. And if she says she making the changes for you, how can you expect them to stick? Will you be happy in the long run knowing she changed herself to fit the relationship, rather than to be who she really wants/ needs to be? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rustysuit Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 The only people who change much in six weeks are, like, embryos. Set a new target date of six or eight months out, to see whether anyone has changed. Some changes only happen over the course of years, or even a decade, and won't be apparent during the incremental shifts through that time. I agree with 6 months deadline depending on age. Any earlier than that and the "change" is likely very superficial and just dumper regret (which it might be truthful and make it work), but if there were any core problems within the relationship when one of the parties needs to grow and evolve as a person and mature, then 6months to 1year is the ideal target. Although by then, the dumpee will most likely moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave4443 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 I agree with 6 months deadline depending on age. Any earlier than that and the "change" is likely very superficial and just dumper regret (which it might be truthful and make it work), but if there were any core problems within the relationship when one of the parties needs to grow and evolve as a person and mature, then 6months to 1year is the ideal target. Although by then, the dumpee will most likely moved on. Haha yeah I can see that, had rapid changes in feelings though, a few days ago I was down when I made this post because I had to see her, but been speaking to an amazing girl and realising someone who will string you along after a relationship like that isn't worth it unless they change too, because she did have faults also! Wish I could delete this post now it was made in a very down hour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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