This endless roller coaster of feelings

[Red36]

I've been married for thirteen years, from the very beginning I saw warning signs. I was married young my husband was sweet in the beginning then he changed. He has a drinking problem that we would constantly fight about in the beginning of our marriage his mother was a big part of our agreements . She always told me she would always be his number one and come first but by that time I was to afraid to file for divorce so I lived with the pain and hurt that came with it . I now take full responsibility for my happiness prior to marrying my husband I dated a man that was head over heals in love with me but like a fool I let him go I wasn't ready for marriage at that time and he was just getting over a divorce I was smart back then and new it wasn't healthy to have a relationship with him only due to the fact that he needed to heal even though he reassured me that he loved me and that was over his ex-wife . My current situation right now is I separated from my husband then ended up coming back I find myself on Facebook looking at my ex relationship and missing him and wondering why I didn't give our love a change . part of me wants to reach out and let him know how I feel but that's just crazy he's married now since 2005 I would look like a complete nut job this hole thing is driving me crazy I try to tell myself that I need to move on from this unhealthy state of mined and move forward with my life but I've been in this marriage for so long being 36 starting over scares me but on the other side staying in this unhealthy marriage will only drag myself down please help I don't know what to do anymore.