Moving On After A Potentially Abusive Relationship

[bionic]

I recently got dumped by my girlfriend of two and a half years. I was... ok, I am deeply heartbroken and my sadness and anger don't look like they're going away anytime soon. The problem is... the longer we've been split up, the more I've been able to objectively analyze where our relationship had been going and it... wasn't going anywhere good, if I'm honest.

 

My father was emotionally abusive when I was a kid. Semi-physically, even. It was a bit complicated, to be honest, and I hadn't even used the word "abusive" or even noticed I had triggers from it until I got into a serious relationship. My girlfriend had... a temper, and she always had to be right and could get very argumentative. It took me a while to notice the pattern. She'd get angry, and I would perform what I'm only now recognizing as a coping mechanism, usually some way of minimalizing the situation or seeking comfort, and then she'd get mad that I even had that coping mechanism and made me feel bad about doing it. I thought I was being selfish for not prioritizing her feelings on the matter. My coping mechanisms stopped. She'd get angry and I would turn skittish and run off to have a good cry the minute I had an excuse, like a shower.

 

She wasn't doing these things on purpose. I remember the first time we got into an argument and I couldn't go hide, it was over something stupid and I burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant. She was shocked and immediately apologized and comforted me. I remember how broken her voice sounded when we got home and she was beating herself up over making me cry. I remember the look on her face the first time she got really mad at me and I went into a panic attack because she made the bed a little too aggressively. She was so, so sorry.

 

But those excuses don't MATTER anymore, because this isn't something we're going to work through and find a way to deal with. She decided that for herself.

 

Near the end there, she'd grown tired of me. I've been having a hard time lately finding work and finding my own self-worth, and where we used to have problems but still made each other happy, apparently she started resenting me. Now, don't worry, she still USED ME for emotional support during the two weeks she'd decided to break up with me and hadn't done it yet. But I apparently wasn't good enough for her anymore, and it showed.

 

She started being really mean and unreasonable. She'd get angry because I argued with her when she messaged me at midnight to take the bus early in the morning instead of her picking me up, despite that not being the plan, and then proceeded to get EVEN ANGIER when I logged off "mad" even though I had to go to bed immediately to meet her demand. I would try to tell her about my day, and she would mock the things I was doing with my time, from job hunting to my writing projects. I would respond to conversation when she talked about driving, and she'd mock the fact that I didn't drive; she apologized for that one. I kinda wished she hadn't, because it seemed like she wasn't even TRYING to be mean, she just couldn't HELP herself, which is an awful and self-destructive thought. I don't want to think so low of myself that I think people can't stop themselves from being awful to me. That's not a road I want to go down, and yet here we are!

 

When she broke up with me, she claimed it was because she couldn't "trust" me, because I'd say things were fine when they weren't, and I'm starting to see that I only ever DID that was because I was afraid to say they weren't fine. My past history with abuse, her penchant for getting angry when I said something she didn't want to hear... nothing about that relationship made me feel like I could argue, yet I was expected to.

 

And I didn't realize how... ultimately abusive that behavior was until after we broke up.

 

I'm worried that I have one of those personality types that attracts abusive people, and I'm worried I won't recognize it again. I won't be dating again anytime soon, but... I'm worried I don't know how to move on from this. I don't know how to not blame myself and how to later allow myself to be vulnerable again without being a door mat.

[timestand43]

Hello bionic, I'm sorry things ended the way they did, but remember this is a chance for self reflection and overall reflection of the relationship, which you are already doing.

 

Abuse is really difficult to face, and nobody deserves it. When my ex broke up with me I realized there were times she could be emotionally abusive. Times where I told myself as long as I made her happy it was okay, my feelings didn't matter. But after that ended I realized that it made me voiceless, my feelings did matter and I realized I deserved better. She too felt bad at times because she tends to be abusive due to her bad past experiences with her father as well as other relationships. She was just toxic at to,es. What's really important is that you're realizing patterns of abuse. Remember that you are good enough, even if you feel you are not.

 

I believe this breakup is a great opportunity to heal and grow. you say that you were afraid to say you weren't fine. In a relationship it's so important to understand and support each other emotionally. This seemed one sided. She took shots at you, mocked the things you did. Criticized you for things that you did, the fact you don't drive. That isn't healthy. Because of that, I think being out of this relationship is truly a good thing.

 

Take the time to heal, and patch up the problems you have faced in your past. Do that in whatever way you feel will help. That could mean going into therapy, finding new hobbies, surrounding yourself by constants in your life, or reflecting more, find what you need to heal and improve, it's different for everyone. It's good you won't be dating any time soon, I wouldn't either. You move on by being kind and attentive of yourself, and realizing you are worth it. Don't let words like that get to you. You will heal, and someone will understand you for you in the future. Try to make yourself happy before moving onto another.