Is he playing mind games

[DevonUK]

Hi

 

Just after other people's perspective. I don't want to go into too much detail as it's a hugely long story but recently had to let go of someone who I was in a relationship with for 1 & 1/2 years. It was wonderful. We Weere happy but unfortunately things ended because of timing possibly not being right and people influencing him on his side.

 

Its been 3 months since he sent me a goodbye it's over text. I've spoken to him once face to face only a few days after and a text or so, then exchanged nice emails as what I guess what a proper goodbye.

 

However I've found it hard to move on, I love him dearly and I tried to contract him about 2 months into breakup. Nothing back. So I took that as an answer. He's over it and doesn't want to or can't, talk. Yes, I say 'can't' as I have it in my head he has no choice and will lose people if he chooses to see me. (He isn't married etc) He once said to me "meeting and talking isn't an option" .....??

 

Anyway, a month after I last tried to contact him he passed by my work looking for me and smiled when he saw me but shook his head when I waved for him to come over. Again I called him about this being silly, we are adults and surely can speak. No reply. To me, this was the last time I was going to try.

 

2 weeks after that I saw him again at a football stadium where he works while I was with my child watching a game. I tried to avoid eye contact for as long as possible as I feel the last time he ignored me was enough. However I glanced at him eventually and he was looking at me, he smiled and I smiled back. Then he just kept looking at me and I just looked back, unsure of what to do or how to react. He then waved for me to get my daughter to go down to see him and they stood chatting for about 15 mins. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for people being pleasant, but i saw this as rubbing my face in it a bit. He feels its necessary to call over my child who is too young to know any different but he cannot respond to me?? If he wants nothing to do with me and cannot be in my life, doesn't want to talk, exchange texts or anything...then why do that??

 

My friends say he is being ridiculous and definitely playing games but obviously they are a little biased.

 

Sorry about my vague story, I just want someone else's perspective on his behaviour?

[happyfrank]

He is extremely immature. Breaking up over text message is all I need to know. I think he is just pretending interest in case it doesn't workout with the current girl. He will have you as the backup.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like he ended the relationship with you in a clean, clear cut, and nice way. However, you do still have feelings for him so you are trying to read into things that just aren't there. He is not interested in continuing anything with, as he shouldn't. It seems he is trying to be minimally polite, but very obviously avoiding giving you any kind of hope of reconciliation by avoiding contact with you as much as possible. I would imagine that the fact that you are still very raw and not over him is very obvious. By avoiding interactions with you as much as possible, he is not playing games, he is doing you a favor. Next time you run into him, do yourself a favor - nod at him politely and then turn away. Accept that it's over. You don't need to talk to him anymore and you don't need to take your daughter down to him just because he waved you two down. Leave it all behind. There are no games here but in your own mind.

[DevonUK]

Thankyou for responding.

 

It is still very raw. When someone says they are still in love with you but they have no choice it is hard to move on with those words ringing in your mind. I have been through the whole he hates me, he wants me back, he's seeking me out to try and reconciliate, hes messing with my head aswell as all the normal feelings that go with a break up. This is only my second and definitely harder than I ever imagined. How one day you can go from being best friends to being strangers. Heartbreaking and to be honest, I'm fairly proud of how I've dealt with it without any answers or closure, I've shown him respect and tried to give him space. However your honest response is exactly what I needed to hear. He isn't coming back. He didn't love me enough to fight for what we had and for me and I have let my heart run away with his recent actions. Bottom line is his actions/silence speak volumes

 

Love sucks!!

[eidetic]

I'm not sure I have ever heard a story like yours. Even if he broke up with you in a "clean" way, how strange that he would remain in your life spaces and offer some sort of hello, but reject your natural response/reply. That doesn't seem normal at all to me, or even properly civil, and I can't quite imagine any reasonable explanation for it.

 

If your child is not his child also, though, I would cut off that aspect of connection. Nothing dark or damning, but if he is ok making genuine or friendly connections with the child but not its parent, that's not ok. In declining even rudimentary and mild or minor connection with you, he has lost all access to your young one. No judgment on him or the value of whatever their connection had been -- just, cut it and him completely off in order to keep it clean and safe and uncluttered for your own self. If your child wonders why or is pained by it, it's easy enough to explain that this person has made a decision to be more private to himself and we have to respect that.

 

If you can avoid his life spaces, do. At least for a few months.

[DevonUK]

Yes to me his actions recently have been confusing. Maybe a way of him feeling in control?? Looking back there were signs he liked being in control, a few times he admitted to not replying compliments or nice texts because he knew it was what I wanted to hear. Always by text, never face to face though, he was always the more complimentive one face to face. Often felt him doing that refusing to reply was like he was playing games but he denied it.

 

Prime example of what I'm up against, he's just driven past me wound down his window and shouted hello to me out of it qhile proceeding to carry on driving. How can I move forward with this sort of carrot dangling happening.

[DancingFool]

Yes to me his actions recently have been confusing. Maybe a way of him feeling in control?? Looking back there were signs he liked being in control, a few times he admitted to not replying compliments or nice texts because he knew it was what I wanted to hear. Always by text, never face to face though, he was always the more complimentive one face to face. Often felt him doing that refusing to reply was like he was playing games but he denied it.

 

Prime example of what I'm up against, he's just driven past me wound down his window and shouted hello to me out of it qhile proceeding to carry on driving. How can I move forward with this sort of carrot dangling happening.

 

I don't know if it's possible for you to avoid him entirely, but try to do your best with that. Shouting hello is not a dangled carrot. It's a nothing. If someone is serious about getting back together, they will specifically ask to talk about it. No games and no confusion. If he is controlling and manipulative.....then what have you lost exactly? Nothing. More likely you've dodged a bullet and while it's difficult when you are hurting, perhaps you do need to rethink if you really want someone like that in your life. Either way, when he does these things, do give him the cold shoulder about it. A cold nod and turn away and go about your business. He'll get the message.

[catfeeder]

What, exactly, was the reason behind his breakup?

[DevonUK]

What, exactly, was the reason behind his breakup?

 

His daughter disapproved of our relationship and as far as I understand she threatened to take his grandchild away unless it ended

[Knight2001]

hi,

you dont want this man back, ever. if that is his real reason he is weak. if anyone gives you an ultimatum go the other way and be strong.

ignore him, give him the cold shoulder, anything, but do not go back with him.

good luck and i hope you find happiness for both you and your daughter. keep moving forward.

[catfeeder]

His daughter disapproved of our relationship and as far as I understand she threatened to take his grandchild away unless it ended

 

He told you about that? I wouldn't entertain any romantic fantasies about Romeo and Juliet being kept apart by outside circumstances. He wants out, so he's throwing the blame wherever it will stick to come off as the innocent who just "can't" be with you.

 

I'd develop a convenient case of amnesia about this guy. If our paths ever cross in public, I'd treat him as kindly as I would a stranger as I pass him by.

[DevonUK]

He told you about that? I wouldn't entertain any romantic fantasies about Romeo and Juliet being kept apart by outside circumstances. He wants out, so he's throwing the blame wherever it will stick to come off as the innocent who just "can't" be with you.

 

I'd develop a convenient case of amnesia about this guy. If our paths ever cross in public, I'd treat him as kindly as I would a stranger as I pass him by.

 

He has given me no reason for the breakup, he refuses to talk about it or even talk to me. He said 2 weeks after that if he "answered my questions it would be like the old him, chasing answers and his mind going into overload. It may hurt this way but it's the only way he can handle it" and i can only assume the reason as the last I heard was "at the moment I've lost my daughter and my granddaughter and I don't know if I'll ever get them back" she also threatened him physically!

 

It is a very long messy relationship they have had over the last 20 years and I understood at the beginning when he ended it. I didn't want to stand in his way and make him choose over me and his daughter but now, the little snippets of game playing (and yes I still think it is, as if he wants nothing to do with me he should be avoiding me at all costs, not shouting out of his car window at me but still not stopping to talk like an adult.) Has made me question his motive and I don't understand but I obviously misread the signals.

 

The bottom line is and I am now starting to see it, his choice I will respect, his behaviour not so much. You have all made me realise that this man doesnt want to be with me and his feelings have changed.

 

I need to get myself some self respect and move on

[DevonUK]

Well. I did exactly as most of you suggested. Me and my daughter went to another game tonight. He was there. He was looking over quite a lot, I glanced at him once and just looked away again no smiles from me. He then walked towards us while on the pitch, he looked at me and I just stared at him, no smiles again. I wanted him to know I wasn't impressed with him.

 

The result wasn't what I expected, he came over out the blue about 15 mins later and sat next to us. We chatted about how he was and whats been going on in his life with work, family, football.

 

I told him not to be a stranger, he can talk to me, and he said yes but not with (my daughter) here.

 

I don't want to get my hopes, I'm not sure how I'll feel about this in the morning but I feel like this is a step forward, I'm not sure what the steps are leading to. Not sure about his motives, if he has any. I'm trying very hard not to react in any way to this. No calls, texts, I want to have the strength to not only respect him but myself also, I am wary of this and I don't want to get hurt so need to carry on as I was before tonight.

 

Just wanted to share incase anyone wants to share their thoughts on this