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Don't know what I am doing wrong


Lotusavx

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It seems like this constantly happens. I meet a guy, things go great, and then he suddenly pulls away, with me having no idea what I could have done wrong. Recently, I moved to a new building and my neighbor asked me out. We have had a few dates and everything was great. We both talked about how we are eventually looking for a relationship, but decided to have no pressure between us, especially being neighbors. So everything was great, until yesterday. He hasn't been responding, not that I text him a lot. We had plans to hangout this morning, and normally he would message me in the morning since he does night shifts. Nothing. I understand people are busy, but it's just so weird how all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he stops talking to me. I am giving him space. I just don't know why this keeps happening, it's like a trend for me. I meet someone I like, we get along great, have a handful of great dates and then it stops. I can't think of anything I do/say that will turn someone off. In the past, I have gotten attached to the idea of a future with someone, that created expectations, and I start overthinking and looking too far into simple situations. But this time, I made sure not to have expectations and not get attached to a situation. I don't know what to do, since I really liked him. I made sure not to give off a "needy" vibe or anything. I just don't know why this keeps happening.

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Let me ask a question to you: are you being intentional about your desire to pursue a relationship, or are you just expecting an eventual relationship and going with the flow? I struggle with this too. I don't actively pursue my interests (whether my goal be FWB, relationship, or friends), though I have the expectation that things will work out.

 

My best relationships / FWBs have been when there were two people actively pursuing / being intentional about the relationship / FWB.

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Wrong conversation IMO. Very early days.

 

"We both talked about how we are eventually looking for a relationship, but decided to have no pressure between us, especially being neighbors. "

 

On first, second and early dates (you only recently met this neighbour), one doesn't get into heavy stuff like relationships. Just have fun and light-hearted conversations, or even conversations about all manner of topics: state of the nation, current trends, travel, where he has been where you have been, what does he like, what you like, what kinds of leisure pursuits you/he enjoy. The list is endless.

 

A light hand is always best.

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Maybe you are having more expectations and are wanting more than you think you are. You say you have tried to back off and be more casual, but maybe you aren't....have you considered that?

 

Also, how do you know this guy isnt busy, or is working overtime or had something else come up?

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Standout points for me:

 

1. "Low pressure" is the best way to handle it given you two live next to each other and can only avoid each other so much should things go awry. Low pressure also means a day without texting or communicating should be absolutely fine. "He hasn't been responding" has me thinking you may have text him multiple times without receiving a response? Did you send anything that might come off as insecure such as "I'm assuming you're busy?" or anything seeking assurance?

 

2. How concrete was your morning plan? Was there a time and place? If he works nights, I probably wouldn't put too much stake in morning meetups. Going with the theme of low pressure, he's likely going to want the opportunity and freedom to crash after a particularly rough night.

 

I'd also defer to LaHermes point about keeping dating light and fun starting out. Especially given he's your neighbor, he's going to be treading lightly to avoid any high stakes or drama. It'd probably take much less for him to back off than it would other men.

 

Additionally, I'm going to guess you've got some nuances going on that you're not letting us know or probably can't even tell us because you don't notice them yourself. If we could watch your dates through a one-way mirror and go through your texts and other correspondences, we could probably give you some detailed insight, but unfortunately, we can't. You'll just have to be reflective and openly so with yourself. It may help if you've got a friend who's willing to be frank with you.

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Is it possible you are jumping to conclusions prematurely? I mean you are supposed to be casual, so it's OK to skip talking daily. Also, early on in dating, when problems come up, people may not be that willing to share with you all that's going on. You are still semi strangers. I think you need to breathe and sit tight for now.

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Did you have concrete plans for this morning and he didn't show up?

 

I don't think anyone has to necessarily do something wrong for a lot of meets to end after a few dates. I think it's somewhat par for the course in dating - sometimes it will be you deciding you don't want to continue after a few dates, other times the other way around. Dates don't have to go badly either , it's just how it goes I think.

 

That said, if this is just light and easy, no reason to be stressing . He will get back or he won't, either way, you'll be fine.

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He ended up coming over. I guess he was just busy. I was obviously over reacting. I guess it's just because I really like him and I notice this trend with guys, even if I didn't even do something that I can put my finger on that would have scared them off. I think I just have way too high of expectations, get attached too easily and overthink things. I guess I am also really use to disappointment when it comes to dating. I'm telling myself to just have no expectations.

We didn't really talk about us in a relationship, but since he did recognize me from a dating site we are both on, we talked casually about what we would be looking for. Haven't slept with him yet too.

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Keep yourself busy and don't stop your life just because you went out a few times. Also because you live next to each other don't let it become "chill and Netflix" dating either. Make sure you go on proper dates and have fun so you can experience each other in different settings besides your house.

 

Relax and keep your expectations low and please do not paint him with the same brush of some other guys that did you wrong. It isn't fair...

 

Lost

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