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What does he want?


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Hello all,


I have posted here from time to time and each time I seemed to be able to get some rational suggestions so I am hoping to gain some more insights regarding my latest issue:


My ex and I broke up over an argument about 1.5 months ago. The breakup occurred during the heat of an argument. Ever since we broke up, we have stopped talking and only exchanged some emails.


His tone in the emails all seemed he's in pain and struggling. The first email explained that the breakup was not what he wanted but he had no choice because he was tired of fighting.

Second email was to respond to my request of taking care of my possessions left in his apt. He said that he was and will always be there for me with anything, also stated that the time apart was hellish and painful for him. He couldn't sleep, eat, work or focus on anything because he could only think of me. He couldn't even imagine talking to other girls but knew that (breakup) was what I ultimately wanted.


I had always tried to win him back so I emailed him that I didn't want to break up and hoped we would have another chance. He didn't respond to me.


Two weeks later, when I was just about to give up, he sent me another email telling me he missed me very much.


I replied by asking him how he was doing. Then again, he went unanswered.


Actually I have tried to reach out to him many times asking him for closure, asking him to tell me that we are over so I can move on without looking back. It's been really frustrating as he kinda gave me the hope that we would eventually reconcile but in the meantime, I get hurt even more every time he ignores me.


I have no idea where we stand and what he wants.


Any feedback will be very much appreciated.

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You've got just about all the closure on this that you're going to get. Breakups can be hard because either or both parties don't want to say for sure that it's over unless something terrible happened that makes you hate the person or makes it unreasonable to ever be with them again (cheating, abuse, etc). But 99% of the time in the situations like yours, there's no hope of getting back together, and even if you did it would be short-lived and a worse break up the next time because of the history between you two.


This is NOT a forever relationship. At some point you are going to have to accept that this relationship has run its course, and that even the best of relationships often can't withstand the battering that this one has endured. But this wasn't a healthy relationship to begin with.


Although he hasn't explicitly said it is over (probably too painful for him to close the door completely), you have to accept that it is and start moving on. If he wanted to be with you, he would be making an effort NOW. Better if you're the one to make the decision for yourself to move on, rather than wait around and feel more hurt and betrayed as time drags on. Because that's all you're doing - prolonging your suffering


Anyone who is sitting on the sidelines here or looking at this situation objectively knows that it's over. I hope you can find the strength to end your denial and move on. Probably hurts too much for you right now because if you accept that it's over, you're going to have to accept the role you played in running the relationship into the ground and start facing your demons, because you can no longer be dependent on your ex for support/comfort. This is the scary part where you have to face the consequences of your relationship behaviours and try to grow from them so that you can have healthy relationships in the future.

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Everything you said makes perfect sense.

I am still coping with the emptiness post breakup. I am using this time apart to learn and improve myself. Honestly, I am still hoping that he will return to me. Like you said, he didn't shut the door completely. But the unrealistic hope only prolongs my suffering indeed. Maybe I should give up the idea so I can move on without looking back.

Thank you again for your feedback.

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If you are to get back together, it will be after he finds a way to process his hurt and to heal. It will be important to him to know that you have learned how to fight fairly, so he can let his guard down.


That means you both will need time to learn new skills, and given how much he has retreated, you will need to learn new skills on your own.


You need to look forward not backwards. You need to read about relationship skills and think about how you want to grow.


Put your focus on becoming more skilled, and remove it from the desire to rekindle your old relationship. It is no longer the security blanket you desire, and you will grow once you learn to let that blanket go.

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why were you fighting so much?


and you wanted the break-up, and then you kept trying to win him back?


sorry i wouldn't give another thought to someone who keeps arguing, dumps me in a state of fury "because that's what they really want", then pokes their nose through my door every now and then to get back together, so they can argue and dump me again tomorrow.


you were long distance and you barraged him with mean texts and accusations and people told you back then he's tired of the drama. why do you think someone would come back to something as exhausting and frustrating and volatile as that? who wants such animosity in what's supposed to be a partnership? people couple up to feel a team, supportive, cheerful, safe and encouraging and welcoming and restorative, not to be under attack. he'd be a dumb one to come for seconds.


why aren't you asking why you need to be combative with people you supposedly care about, and what you can do to become someone a partner wants to be around, as opposed to wanting to avoid your bullets and just run the heck out of doge?

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  • 2 weeks later...



I am the original post of this thread. First of all, I really appreciate all feedback as I have been trying to improve myself here.


Here's some updates: Last week I received another email from my ex, it was the longest email he has even sent me. Basically what he said was:


1. He was only to comply with me since he felt breakup was what I wanted. He was really tired of arguing and felt I didn't want to pursue this relationship with him anymore.

2. He still hopes that it is just a nightmare and we will get back to normal, however, what I have been doing only pushed him further away. (I sent him emails asking if it's really over between us and that I wanted to move on.)

3. He still misses me and cares about me more than anyone else and I was a good wife material.

4. He is open to stay as friends, but I told him that's not possible. He's not interested in any other girls except me. So he has decided to stay single and only focus on his job and family.

5. He wants me to be true to myself, send clear signals and act like an adult.


It looks like we still have a lot of feelings for each other. Since his last email, I have been trying to change and become a better person by only showing him my positive side and love. I hope he understands what I am really regretful for the mistakes I made and the pain I caused.

However, he's not responsive. I guess the only thing i can do here is to be patient. I really learnt my lesson and will never want to lose him again. I just don't know if it's too late.


I am kinda lost honestly.

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I have been trying to change and become a better person by only showing him my positive side and love.
what's your "bad side" though? what makes you confrontational, combative, impulsive, what happens with you prior to you breaking out in a fight (either immediately prior or building up through days or weeks)?
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