Need advice :(

[MayanWarrior]

Hello everyone,

 

I found this forum today, I feel like I need an objective opinion, and honestly someone to talk to... I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5.5 years, we have been together since we were 21 (I'm 27 now). Everything was always great in our relationship, no real fights (besides the silly ones), we get along really well, we hang out with the same group of friends (we met in the university), she introduced me to her other group of friends, and I introduced her to my other group of friends. She is everything I ever hoped for (she was my first girlfriend, I was her second boyfriend). We had plans to marry as soon as I finished grad school (we wanted to have a stable job before), and she was also going to apply to grad school with me.

 

For the last 2.5 years we have been living in different cities (but not too far away, just a 4 hour drive), when I was about to leave for grad school (something I said I always wanted to do), I realized I didn't want to anymore, because I didn't want to leave her side, but I realized "what kind of life can I give her if I don't aim for something better?". At the end, that was the decisive factor for me to go. Everything was great, we saw each other, she would come spend her vacations with me, I would go back when I could as well, this May I was with her for 3 weeks (she lives in our home city) and everything was perfect. One week after I came back to where I live now I began feeling her different, I came for the weekend and I felt something different in her. To keep this kinda short, she confessed me that she suddenly felt confused about what she felt about me, turns out this guy (both of them work together... and he is from our group of friends from the university, so we all have known each other for about 7 years... I usually speak with him) hugged her, and she realized she began feeling something for him, and she got confused about what she felt for me. Most of this is because of the long distance relationship, I know that. For the record, nothing happened between them, she didn't hug him or anything, no kisses, nothing, she actually told him that she was with me, but after that this guy began being open with her, telling her things like "I want to see you!" (he was out of the city because of work). They never went out alone or anything like that, they just talked (they're friends, as I said before, we all have known each other for like 7 years). He used to offer her a ride to work and back (they live close to each other). So basically it was because they began to spend a lot of time together, and we have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 years. As I said, nothing happened between them, they never went out alone, etc.

 

Well, the point is, she broke with me a few days ago, she didn't knew what to do, she didn't want to stop talking to either of us or anything, at the end what happened was this. She told him to stop talking "sweet" to her, she made it very clear that she only wanted to be friends, she refuses to accept his ride work/home (she did this out of respect for me, even though we are not a couple anymore), I have no idea if she has began to be distant from him or anything like that. She broke with me because she doesn't feel "in love" anymore, and that she is still confused about what she feels for me. She told me that it was better to end the relationship, and "if something was going to happen between us again, just let it happen, naturally". We still talk a lot, as I said we also hang out with the same group of friends (by the way, since this happened, the other guy hasn't accepted an invitation from our mutual friends, because I will be there... no one except my best friend knows about this, and actually nobody knows we are not a couple anymore, since it was very recently). When we go with our friends, I always pick her up at her house, and bring her back. We also go out alone a lot (just the two of us), movies, dinner, she even came to my house to watch a movie last Sunday, where I was scratching her back, and giving her a massage (both under her blouse) for example, all this after breaking up.

 

All this makes me believe that she still feels something for me, that there is still hope of getting back together, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't want me to "have hope" or be "waiting for her", that knowing that makes her feel under pressure, that she wants to see me in good shape, not sad, depressed, or anything like that, that if something will happen between us again, it will happen naturally... Her saying stuff like that makes me feel there is no hope of getting her back, so it's like a roller coaster of emotions. Once I told her that this was going to end up in one of two scenarios:

 

1) she would "choose him" and stop talking to me

2) she would "choose me" and stop talking to him

 

That was a while ago, we were still a couple, she stayed silent for a few minutes and asked me "what if I don't want to choose any? would you still stop talking to me?" (this was because I told her that we obviously wouldn't be able to be friends if she left me for him, again, we still were a couple at this time). She doesn't want to get away from me, she says that it would only happen If I am the one who stop talking to her, which I honestly don't want to, but I mean, the issue here is after this guy hugged her, and she began feeling confused about her feelings, she didn't immediately told me, and she kept accepting rides to and from work with him. Again, she wasn't unfaithful or anything, she didn't knew how to let me know about what was going on inside her head, but it was very obvious that something was wrong, so I brought up the discussion, and that is how I found out.

 

When she broke with me, we talked and decided to keep in touch, she is my best friend, and I am her best friend, I obviously love her, I asked her if she was fine with hanging out with me knowing that, she said that she knew and she had no problem with it, I also told her that I didn't want to lose contact with her (she really is my best friend, and yes, I want to get back with her), that if she ever decided to accept an invitation from the other guy just let me know, because I would not be able to stay close to her that way. I mean, if 1 year from now she starts to date someone different, I could still be her friend, but not that guy, because of what it means (that she broke with me to be with someone else). That is the reason why we still hang out together just the two of us a lot, we both have a good time.

 

I really REALLY want to get back with her, I really believe she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life, I know she thought that too, but then it changed. I know this problem was caused because of the long distance relationship, I am giving her the space she needs as well (she told me that she needed time and space to clear up her mind), we are going out as "friends", but well, for example the scratching and massage BELOW her blouse is not something a friend would just do, she is very reserved by the way. I really don't know what to do, and I'm afraid I have a few weeks left, and that they are critical. I need to go back to grad school soon (mid august), it got to the point that I really don't want to go back, I feel that I would lose her forever if I do (because I wouldn't be able to see her so often), I actually regret going in the first place, I would had rather stayed home with her, I don't need to be rich or anything to be happy, I would be happy just by being at her side. I honestly don't see myself with anyone else, she is the one that I want, and I would do anything to get her back. I feel that it could work again just by hanging out with her, just by being myself, but I have to go back soon, and I fear I do not have enough time. Sometimes I feel I do not have hopes of ever getting her back, that she really really enjoys my company, but not romantically anymore, I only keep trying because if I stop, then I'm 100% sure I will lose her forever.

 

I'm hoping to hear an objective opinion on this matter, or any opinion actually, but since you don't know me, or her, it would be really helpful. Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading it.

[mikejonesmj]

Hello dear, I think you are more possessive for her. I think you didn't tell her that you really like her. In my opinion, your are definitely in love with her. Therefore you always feel her all time. May be she also feels the same for you. But you guys must give time to one another in order to rebuild their relationship. Also, I would say that the long distance relationship are not too storng. If you are far from your girlfriend for some reasons it definitely creates distances a little bit inspite of living together for many years. She also doesn't want to make a new boyfriend but the situation and the mind set of a girl changes over the time if she feels alone and careless from her boyfriend side. Same situation I feel with my friend but now they both are ok in good relationship by taking help from a reationship app which is available in smart phones. One week ago I visited DHjoined aap to get some tips about how to make realtionship better. Actually I face everyday some arguments with my 1 year old girlfriend.

[MayanWarrior]

Thank you for your reply mikejonesmj, I'm trying to give her time, and time to rebuild the relationship, but she is still confused about what she feels for me, although she says she did develop feelings for him. The problem is that I feel that as long as the other guy is there, she will never be able to make up her mind about me. I honestly believe that what she once felt for me still exist inside her, she is very emotional, and the distance doesn't help.

 

It got to the point on which I'm really considering getting out of grad school, I honestly feel that I will lose her forever if I go back. I don't need money to be happy, I just need her, and I really want to get her back... Yesterday we went out for dinner again, and we are going out again on Thursday.

 

I have considered stopping going out with her and talking with her. I'm curious about seeing if she would miss me, but I believe it would also make her feel sad, alone, etc, and in turn start talking more with the other guy, who will obviously try to get her, even though she told him to stop it.