Really would appreciate some sort of advice, i'm begging.

[Forumposter]

Hi everyone

 

This is probably gonna be long, and I will be so happy if anyone reads this mess. I am crying constantly and considering dropping out of college because of everything that's happened with my ex. I just need someone to tell me what to do, I'm gonna try and explain everything from start to finish.

 

 

So, last year I got together with my ex. Before we became in a relationship, it was a NIGHTMARE. She was "straight" (I'm a girl btw), and had basically been scared of commitment her whole life after a failed relationship with one guy, and slept around. Everyone knew her as this party girl/who slept around.

She met me in our first year of college, and things just changed for her. We slept together, and she had a breakdown at first, texting me telling me there was no way she was getting with me, it was a mistake, she liked guys, blah blah blah. I was upset, and she broke down and told me she really had feelings but was terrified of the fact she did as it had been ages and she just wasn't a relationship person... but she asked me out and we decided to start going out.

 

Things went well for the first year of our relationship, it was as if she completely switched personalities from this party person to a settle down kinda person. Even me, who is quite a introvert and stay at home kinda girl, was overwhelmed by her. She turned into an LGBT advocate, constantly spoke about marriage with me and kids, got upset when I wouldn't talk to her about it (because I got scared of how fast things were moving) and basically treated me so well.

 

I have anxiety and she'd constantly be at my beck and call, but I never liked it. I told her this, but she wouldn't changed. She turned into a "carer". Constantly looking after me and she ended up breaking down because of it. All her friends got annoyed at her because she'd stop going out partying with them and they felt like she'd changed and they felt it was because of me (even though I actually didn't like it at all because it smothered me)

 

A year and 2 months in, she started acting funny. Distance, doubting us, etc. We argued constantly. She cheated. I had a breakdown because it was with a guy in our college who we both had to see daily and this was at exam time where both our emotions were high anyway, and she came running back to me, crying and begging for me not to end it because she loved me. I took her back.

 

People became awkward as hell around us after that... and it seemed like after I took her back things got worse. She became even more distant, I'd find texts and things from this guy on her phone who she cheated on me with, she'd accuse me of going through her things, the lecturers in our college ended up having to seperate us for classes as the whole college had got involved in our drama and they were sick of it. It was a nightmare.

 

She ended up telling me she wanted to break up... I think I went into shock. I was happy go lucky, "everything's fine" etc, we spent the last two weeks at college not speaking and everyone around us feeling awkward. My girlfriend failed her exams because of all the stress, and she couldn't come back after summer because of it and people started hating on me because of it as they saw it as my fault.

 

Summer came, and I became a mess. Begged, pleaded, cried to get her back. I got told: "No. I can't deal with this responsibility anymore. I don't know who I am. I want to be single. I want to have fun. I'm too immature to deal with a relationship. You're perfect, just not perfect for me."

 

She ended up admitting to me that during the two weeks we weren't talking at college, she slept with the guy she cheated on me with again. I STILL Wanted her back despite this, still begged, she told me no and told me sorry, but that was it. She became very nasty. Told me to f off and get over it. Told me that she was gonna get with other people and I'd just need to accept it. It was like talking to someone I never knew.

 

Then I do a complete turn around. I'm ashamed for begging and pleading, so I cut contact. I tell her she's hurt me, made my self respect so low and I don't want to talk to her. I go on holiday with my friends. I put up lots of pictures of myself having fun. I start to feel myself actually getting over her and I'm happy she won't be coming back to college after summer as at least I can have a fresh start. She unfollows me from everything.

 

Then my mum gets rushed to hospital. Worst time of my life... she becomes seriously ill. Someone eventually lets her know. I get bunch of texts from her, and then she has a breakdown over text about how she wants to be there for me, misses me and has regrets about letting me go because "we didn't try hard enough". She says she's sorry for the way she treated me, but this is hurting her so much and she's so depressed and wants to be there and is upset. I'm gobsmacked, especially as my mum is ill and I have a lot of other things going on, I tell her this and she apologises and says she's selfish, it's best we don't talk. I agree, and we go NC again.

 

Then... last week. News circulates among our friends that my girlfriend has been contacted by our college and they offered to change their mind and give her a place after summer, just as I thought I wouldn't need to see her again.. she phones me after us not talking in 2 weeks and tells me "incase I haven't heard". I tell her I have heard, but talk to her as normal as she asks how I am and is very nice on the phone. She tells me she wants us to be civil and friendly if we have to see each other daily and are gonna be in the same college. I am not going to be in her class, but I am going to be on the same course and in the same building, with the same mutual friends.

 

I end up chatting normally with her on the phone as I don't want to seem desperate. She tells me she misses me and still has feelings. She says she was waiting on an excuse all summer to phone me and finally got one with the college thing, because she didn't want to seem rude by contacting after everything she's done. I stupidly let all my emotions come back after her being so nice and sounding caring on the phone, I admit I also miss her and confess that it's gonna be hard seeing her at college because I was starting to move on, and that I still want to be together. but then she says "we're just not at the same stage in life, are we?" I tell her I think the timing was wrong and she says "Maybe in future, maybe not...." this is so unfair and it broke my heart. But I became vulnerable on the phone after talking to her again and she tells me she just wants me to be happy and that's all she wants.

 

We end up texting after and start flirting, mostly because I get caught up everytime I talk to her and before I know it, we start sexting. then she begs me to phone her and have phone sex with her. I oblige (I know, I'm an idiot) She tells me over the phone she's wanted me all summer and was looking for an excuse to phone me but then the talk just turned sexual, telling she loved to hear me moan, my pictures looked good and that's why she unfollowed me cos she got jealous, etc all those things...

 

I broke down after I came off the phone to her, because I felt used. But i let myself be used. I feel like I'm nothing to her more than just an attractive ex, as clearly shes still finds me attractive but not enough to be in a relationship with me.

 

My mind is all over the place right now. I keep crying constantly because my plan was to go NC and get over her, while not seeing her. But now that we're gonna be in the same college, we're gonna have to be friends, or at least see each other often and this kills me. Because pretending I'm fine and okay with being "just friends" is what breaks me, especially if she ends up seeing someone else or something and I have to see and hear about it. My studies last year got really affected by this and I'm so unsure what to do. I also don't know how I'm going to get over her if she's constantly gonna be around. She confuses me so much because she tells me she still has feelings and is struggling but then the next second acts like I'm just a random stranger and wants to have phone sex with me? It's as if she doesn't have feelings at all and can't understand how it's making me feel. I also feel bad for actually going along with the phone sex as I feel dirty and disgusting. All I wanted was anything from her, and I was willing to be anything just to get her attention again. We haven't spoke since it happened and I want to cry.

 

I have no idea what to do because I know the only way I'll get over her is if I never see her again and go somewhere else, like move country and start a new life, but obviously it's not possible. The thought of having to be involved with her as a friend or something makes me sick, especially since everyone knows I still love her and it's embarrassing. We went through so much together and it's heartbreaking to know that at one point she wanted to marry me and now is like a completely different person, the person I knew before we started going out, and has switched again to suddenly "wanting to be free" and it's all different again. I feel strung along and like our whole relationship meant nothing to her.

 

But I have to go back to college and it's killing me. I just don't know what to do, I'm sick and crying all the time and I know she's a bad person for me since she's so flakey and doesn't know what she wants, but why am I still so madly in love and want to be with her after everything? Someone give me advice, I'm so desperate and sad.

[intertwined]

Hey,

I've read all this and i honestly think it's best if you put yourself first here. You need to think if moving to another college will help? Would it be a place where you could find some happiness and have the chance to do a fresh start? Because if yes then go for it, it would be the best if you took this chance and cut the contact with her, because by what you've posted she seems really toxic, kinda fake and also immature. She's using you for her own benefits and is trying to make the excuse for that so it doesn't look this way. This is just such a selfish behaviour in my opinion. Just put yourself first and don't let her use you like this. You surely can continue this college but it's gonna be really hard for you and you may eventually get back with her after her assuring you that she'll change and you'll end up hurt again. But yeah maybe not, it's just what i think. But as you said you have many common mutuals there so it may be not healthy to stay there. It's for the best for you both if you stay separated from each other and don't come into each other life's for sure now that all this wound is still fresh and you both are constantly digging in this old relationship in some ways. Yeah my advice for you is just to think what can you do to have a fresh start away from her ex. I believe in you.