Is there something wrong with me?

[amihan]

My dear enotalone members, I need your help. Of course, I would like to

date or eventually end up with a good guy.

 

I rarely meet nice guys. Then, once I discover how deep and beautiful they are, and eventually develop certain emotions towards them, all of a sudden they will not continue pursuing me.

 

I do not have the time to narrate all of experience. Basically, these are the type of guys that I really appreciate being with me. Educated, professional, polite, sporty, intellectual.

 

Seeking your opinions because I am evaluating my previous interactions with them.

You know the feeling that when you finally fall for them, then they will not continue.

 

I am an independent woman. And I notice the pattern that the way they approach is that they will offer

assistance or help. Then, I respond to them to show interest. Sometimes, I ask questions.

Do guys intently show concern or is it a test.

 

 

I was just thinking this morning maybe I could have just shown my real me.

Or is there something wrong with me. Because in case I'll meet another Mr nice guy, I would love to continue the journey to romance with him.

[vesper]

Be very clear that you are looking for a long-term relationship and do not sleep with them. Hope that helps.

[Unreasonable]

Then, once I discover how deep and beautiful they are, and eventually develop certain emotions towards them, all of a sudden they will not continue pursuing me.

 

I do not have the time to narrate all of experience.

 

Well, unfortunately, unless you can give us some concrete examples of your interactions with them, anything we say is pure guesswork, which is basically a waste of everybody's time.

 

Developing emotions is an internal thing. That is not going to stop a guy in and of itself, because men do not have the ability to read minds. How, exactly, does your developing emotions translate into your ACTIONS? Because that is what is likely making them run. Concrete examples please. If you don't have time to narrate your experiences, then don't expect us to have time to give you answers.

[SillyKate]

Have you ever thought that maybe there's something wrong with them? I've noticed that these days men tend to be afraid of relationships so they run away when things start getting just a little bit serious. But still I think you need to act natural and learn to be happy with yourself...

[DancingFool]

I rarely meet nice guys. Then, once I discover how deep and beautiful they are, and eventually develop certain emotions towards them, all of a sudden they will not continue pursuing me.

 

How are you getting to know them? Pursuing you how? Are you going out on dates, are you just hanging out with them as friends? What do you do with them? Please be specific or else we can't help you.

 

I am an independent woman. And I notice the pattern that the way they approach is that they will offer

assistance or help. Then, I respond to them to show interest. Sometimes, I ask questions.

Do guys intently show concern or is it a test.

 

Offer assistance or help with what? How? Can you give some concrete examples of what you are talking about? How do you respond? Asking questions is not necessarily showing romantic interest, btw. Again, without you getting more specific, we can't help you. Your post is way too vague.

[RainyCoast]

are they very...fast paced? it can be a bit uncomfortable if you're slow in comparison, but then a blessing in it's own right too, as it tends to repel the superficial types.

almost anyone can develop feelings, but not everyone will be responsible with them- yours and their own.

i agree we don't have much to go on. are you too guarded with your feelings, are the guys reckless?

...it's a tightrope, aint it.

 

however, if you mean that you don't have any interest in them when they're very interested in you and you keep them hanging forever and then suddenly decide they're worth a shot, that would come off as pretty bad.

[amihan]

Have you ever thought that maybe there's something wrong with them? I've noticed that these days men tend to be afraid of relationships so they run away when things start getting just a little bit serious. But still I think you need to act natural and learn to be happy with yourself...

 

Yes, I thought of that.not exactly that there is wrong with them but it is complicated on their part. Most of those guys I am pertaining to are in manegerial positions in corporate world or who have great responsibilities in international affairs. I was thinking that maybe they are too busy to commit.

 

They normally show interests for first few months. So we build friendship. They express their feelings in a subtle way not directly. So for me, I received mixed signals. Just an example, recently, there was manager from different department who gave me the highest recommendation for the poste I was working with because I was fluent with European language interests on me. Our officemates and even my immediate supervisor were doing match making thing. But, I don't believe in matchmaking and my what I want is that a concrete action from him. For two months, he regularly pass by at our work station and had a chitchat with me.He helps me if I am having difficulty in the office or even little stuff such as if my phone is not functioning. I can feel with his body language that he likes me. Then, I finally resigned for health reasons and the last day I said goodbye to him. Then, he asked me if we can go out and see each other since we live in the same location. I said sure of course.

 

After 3 weeks, no interaction with him at all. I am starting to like him. But anyway, I think I need to move on. I am assessing my experience from the past so that next time, if another Mr. nice guy comes, I know what to do.

[amihan]

are they very...fast paced? it can be a bit uncomfortable if you're slow in comparison, but then a blessing in it's own right too, as it tends to repel the superficial types.

almost anyone can develop feelings, but not everyone will be responsible with them- yours and their own.

i agree we don't have much to go on. are you too guarded with your feelings, are the guys reckless?

...it's a tightrope, aint it.

 

 

however, if you mean that you don't have any interest in them when they're very interested in you and you keep them hanging forever and then suddenly decide they're worth a shot, that would come off as pretty bad.

 

I understand your point. There was a time that a Spanish guy whom I met in a party asked me out. Then, I received some subtle romantic signals from his messages. Until one time, I recieved a card from him that he was sending his love to me. I just met him during that time. I don't easily fall in love and as an Asian I would like to know him better and it is also our nature to go into getting to know each other stage. Our communication continued and I think he had impression that I friend zoned him. But the truth is that I am taking my time to know him better because I am traumatized with my relationship with my ex French boyfriend in which everything happened so fast

[amihan]

How are you getting to know them? Pursuing you how? Are you going out on dates, are you just hanging out with them as friends? What do you do with them? Please be specific or else we can't help you.

 

 

 

Offer assistance or help with what? How? Can you give some concrete examples of what you are talking about? How do you respond? Asking questions is not necessarily showing romantic interest, btw. Again, without you getting more specific, we can't help you. Your post is way too vague.

 

It depends with the context what type of help. But basically, the common denaminator with them is that they are first one who are attracted to me by the time we first met. And also I observed not like with the players that I encounter they start with friendship.

 

For example, during my university years, a Spanish guy offered me that he will teach me his language. I offered him in exchange to teach him English but he refused because he is fluent with it already.

Then, at work there was a manager who offered me assistance if I am having difficulty with my job.

 

I received mixed signals from them. And I take my time to know them. What do you think of this: I dwell to much with the conversation about the work or whatever they offer as an assistance. I even tried to change the topic such as discussing about fitness or health since these are their interests.

[DancingFool]

It depends with the context what type of help. But basically, the common denaminator with them is that they are first one who are attracted to me by the time we first met. And also I observed not like with the players that I encounter they start with friendship.

 

For example, during my university years, a Spanish guy offered me that he will teach me his language. I offered him in exchange to teach him English but he refused because he is fluent with it already.

Then, at work there was a manager who offered me assistance if I am having difficulty with my job.

 

I received mixed signals from them. And I take my time to know them. What do you think of this: I dwell to much with the conversation about the work or whatever they offer as an assistance. I even tried to change the topic such as discussing about fitness or health since these are their interests.

 

It sounds a little bit like you might be misinterpreting a simple offer for something more. Manager's job is to offer assistance to employees at work, especially if they are new. The Spanish guy....could have been his way of trying to get closer to you or not.

 

Honestly, if the guy is not asking you out for a date, chances are he is not that into you. Stick with keeping things simple. You go on a date, get to know each other, you either like how things are going or part ways because bad qualities show up. Dating and growing friendship go hand in hand generally speaking. They are not separate animals.

[RainyCoast]

I understand your point. There was a time that a Spanish guy whom I met in a party asked me out. Then, I received some subtle romantic signals from his messages. Until one time, I recieved a card from him that he was sending his love to me. I just met him during that time. I don't easily fall in love and as an Asian I would like to know him better and it is also our nature to go into getting to know each other stage. Our communication continued and I think he had impression that I friend zoned him. But the truth is that I am taking my time to know him better because I am traumatized with my relationship with my ex French boyfriend in which everything happened so fast

gotcha! thank you for clarifying

 

two things.

 

1. sounds like that's one impatient and potentially irrational person out of the way. if that's it, don't sweat it, there's people out there who want to know what they're getting themselves and you into before they jump in.

 

2. how are you re the french ex now? get the baggage out of the way before you attempt anything with anyone- and let us know if we can help with that.

 

eta: i agree with DF though, the rest of the examples don't sound like they were trying for anything. were there obvious advances we don't know about? if not, i don't think you should dwell on it at all.

[amihan]

It sounds a little bit like you might be misinterpreting a simple offer for something more. Manager's job is to offer assistance to employees at work, especially if they are new. The Spanish guy....could have been his way of trying to get closer to you or not.

 

Honestly, if the guy is not asking you out for a date, chances are he is not that into you. Stick with keeping things simple. You go on a date, get to know each other, you either like how things are going or part ways because bad qualities show up. Dating and growing friendship go hand in hand generally speaking. They are not separate animals.

Of

 

You are right of having a date will help me to determine if they have interest. I think it is not misinterpretation because with I can feel that they are interested with me. I dated the Spanish guy and it is a long story. With the manager, I think he is afraid to ask me out for a date. He even expressed to my immediate supervisor that I might be his soul mate. I cannot narrate everything but I can feel this very extra special treatment and care that they gave to me compared to other ladies around them. I am so sorry but I prefer not to narrate in détails my experience with them but I am just wondering if is there something wrong with me.

 

This morning, I asked the wife of my cousin who know some of my experience with different types of guys. She just simply replied that 'I am too beautiful and intelligent'. She even told me if I never wondered that these guys prefered less intelligent but with high sex appeal. Reflecting, I noticed that their ex girlfriends are not like them who are not involved in an intellectual field.

 

When my mother was alive, she told me when I was a student during my university years that she noticed that guys can easily be intimidated with me. What shall I do? I am getting old and I do not want to end up with a bad relationship again.

On the other hand, I cannot change myself or lower my standards. In reality, i am aware that there is no perfect relationship but in case I meet another Mr Nice again...

 

It is hard for me. I am already alone in life and I am very extra careful now.

[DancingFool]

Fair enough. Here is the thing - I am myself considered very attractive, also educated, intelligent and successful. I have never had trouble with dating and relationships and have never made excuses that men aren't interested in me because they are intimidated. Fact is that some will be and that's OK. I have actually been attacked by various insecure men about my education, income, looks, etc. You know what? They are not in my life and not even a blip on my radar. I have simply learned to stay far away from insecure little boys.

 

So I go back to this - stick with men who are direct about what they want from you. Seek men who are confident, self assured. They are not easy to find, but they are out there. They will not go at you at 1000 miles an hour proclaiming instant love or that you are their soulmate. No no no. That's bs. It takes a long time of dating, developing a bond and genuine friendship for someone to be able to say that about you. So stay away from those types of people who proclaim improbable things about you without truly knowing you. The right kind of guys will ask you out on a date because they are interested in you that way and are secure enough not to dance around what they are after with you. However, they will take time getting to know, dating, developing friendship and then on into a relationship at a steady pace. No rushing, no crazy proclamations. Those men are much more grounded. They will do what they say when they say it. They won't say what they don't mean. They will stand by their word. They will treat you well and like their equal. Not damsel in distress, not someone they need to help or teach something, etc.

[LaHermes]

Amihan.

 

I think you are second-guessing too much. Trying to mind read, which leads to over-analyzing something which may not actually even be there.

 

I understand the French encounter was some years back. Yes?

[amihan]

gotcha! thank you for clarifying

 

two things.

 

1. sounds like that's one impatient and potentially irrational person out of the way. if that's it, don't sweat it, there's people out there who want to know what they're getting themselves and you into before they jump in.

 

2. how are you re the french ex now? get the baggage out of the way before you attempt anything with anyone- and let us know if we can help with that.

 

eta: i agree with DF though, the rest of the examples don't sound like they were trying for anything. were there obvious advances we don't know about? if not, i don't think you should dwell on it at all.

 

Thank you for your honest opinion. I had a further experience with these guys but I prefer not to narrate in details. With the Spanish guy we dated. And I think you are right. If he is motivated, he will consider my culture and concept of relationship. With the manager, I can feel the pressure with my colleagues and bosses that are some kind of endorsing him to me. I was starting to like him but of course, he haven't made any move of asking me out. At the end of the day, it all depends on how he approach me and not by his friends.

 

With regarding to my ex, I have already moved on. I focused so much with myself and professional life. I dated guys, unfortunately they were not the nice ones. Just this year, he asked forgiveness and I forgave him already. It is clear to me ever since that he is not the one for me.

 

I am focusing now on the present with my professional life and in case I meet someone again....

 

It is quite hard for me because I am already alone in life and I am looking forward to be with the ONE.

[amihan]

Amihan.

 

I think you are second-guessing too much. Trying to mind read, which leads to over-analyzing something which may not actually even be there.

 

I understand the French encounter was some years back. Yes?

 

Hi. You are not the first person who said that I am over analyzing. It is hard for me to prevent it. I don't know why.

And yes, you are right with the French guy. I have move on with him. And really glad to make the right decision.

[DancingFool]

Thank you for your honest opinion. I had a further experience with these guys but I prefer not to narrate in details. With the Spanish guy we dated. And I think you are right. If he is motivated, he will consider my culture and concept of relationship. With the manager, I can feel the pressure with my colleagues and bosses that are some kind of endorsing him to me. I was starting to like him but of course, he haven't made any move of asking me out. At the end of the day, it all depends on how he approach me and not by his friends.

 

With regarding to my ex, I have already moved on. I focused so much with myself and professional life. I dated guys, unfortunately they were not the nice ones. Just this year, he asked forgiveness and I forgave him already. It is clear to me ever since that he is not the one for me.

 

I am focusing now on the present with my professional life and in case I meet someone again....

 

It is quite hard for me because I am already alone in life and I am looking forward to be with the ONE.

 

Then don't mess up your professional life with any kind of romantic involvement with some manager at the company or even the suggestion of such.

 

You say that you are focused on other things, but you are coming across to me as way too focused on getting into another relationship and a bit too desperate, therefore not discerning enough on who to get and not to get involved with and how. It's actually coming across to me like you'll take anyone who appears to be nice and gives you the time of day without any consideration whether this is the kind of person you should be giving the time of day to. If they are being nice to you, you'll fall for them. That approach will get you into a heap of trouble. Give yourself some rules and some standards and then pursue those. Don't be a like a tumbleweed in your own romantic life, rolling in whatever direction the winds is blowing.

[RainyCoast]

not sure where you work but whole work+dating mix tends to get weird...i wouldn't personally fish in that "pool"...

 

re the work situation and your intellectual and physical appeal, not to minimize it by any chance, but there are intelligent beautiful women working everywhere and not all of them have this problem of being drooled over at the office and then ditched as if resented like they've been offering a carrot on a stick. if you're overly friendly, or appear malleable or submissive even, it's the toy vibe that makes them act like that, as you establish no professional and personal boundaries.

 

i'm not sure i understand your problem properly though, on one hand you say you're receptive and worried you'll end up alone, on the other hand these easy come easy go advances bother you? and the men are both over-driven and intimidated by you? i don't think that's most often the case. you had an office play match makers, and the guy proclaim you're his soul mate in a working environment, which doesn't sound like a bunch of people who value professionalism or intellect- it sounds like a bunch of people who think it's okay to act like that around you in the workplace. i'd come up with a new vibe that encourages a different response.

 

re the previous post, and being "slow"

 

speaking only for myself, but trying to make this relatable, though i personally wasn't sabotaged by an ex problem, i've been sabotaged in more general terms by a mourning problem... but the remedy may still apply.

 

when you're stopped dead in your tracks as someone makes an advance, i suggest imagining two piles of scraps of papers/post-its/ whatevers in front of you. one pile says "because ex/other past c*ap problems" and the other says "because we want to be responsible with feelings". so when a feeling-thought makes you freeze, stall, backtrack- decide which pile it belongs to. it should be quite easy in your case because you're only evaluating sabotage about men specifically (unless you also have a more general problem with self-sabotage).

 

if objectively, you are hesitant because you don't want to be careless and set yourself up for something poorly conceived from the beginning, good for you. then you can stop such advances with dignity and certainty, which should become a deterrent in it's own right when you've made a noticeable habit out of it, and it rids you of the impatient/immature kind.

 

if, however, your answer is, because ex/other undealt with stuff problems, file that "post-it". you can physically keep notes if it helps. then at the end of each day take 20-30 minutes to go through that pile and look for everything from your past relationships that you are transferring to new ones, dispute the irrational beliefs you have created about the present based on the past, and if you're stuck on feelings you can't resolve, schedule help for those.

 

while i don't think you're helping yourself by feeling rushed to not end up forever alone, if you really can't help it, then the inevitable course is to start shoveling your trauma pile pronto. it makes no sense to want to be both holding yourself back from romantic encounters, and to want to be faster with them. which is more important and helpful for you right now? and which needs to happen first, to make the other possible? as long as you're trying to do both, you're held back by conflicting drives, and what's stopping you from making a timely move is your own conscience saying either "this one isn't fit for anything serious" (pile A) or "i'm too traumatized to be fit for anything serious" (pile B).

 

sorry, i know that's stating the obvious but...you can't have a new investment, while you're stuck in an old one.

[amihan]

Fair enough. Here is the thing - I am myself considered very attractive, also educated, intelligent and successful. I have never had trouble with dating and relationships and have never made excuses that men aren't interested in me because they are intimidated. Fact is that some will be and that's OK. I have actually been attacked by various insecure men about my education, income, looks, etc. You know what? They are not in my life and not even a blip on my radar. I have simply learned to stay far away from insecure little boys.

 

So I go back to this - stick with men who are direct about what they want from you. Seek men who are confident, self assured. They are not easy to find, but they are out there. They will not go at you at 1000 miles an hour proclaiming instant love or that you are their soulmate. No no no. That's bs. It takes a long time of dating, developing a bond and genuine friendship for someone to be able to say that about you. So stay away from those types of people who proclaim improbable things about you without truly knowing you. The right kind of guys will ask you out on a date because they are interested in you that way and are secure enough not to dance around what they are after with you. However, they will take time getting to know, dating, developing friendship and then on into a relationship at a steady pace. No rushing, no crazy proclamations. Those men are much more grounded. They will do what they say when they say it. They won't say what they don't mean. They will stand by their word. They will treat you well and like their equal. Not damsel in distress, not someone they need to help or teach something, etc.

 

Thank you so much for this post. They say that I might be picky when it comes to partner but I could not afford to waste à so much time with an insecure guy. You are right and I appreciate your thoughts that if someone is motivated he will do a move to explore me, to explore the possibility of us being together.

 

To be honest, I have fear in entering a relationship but I need to overcome this.

[DancingFool]

Thank you so much for this post. They say that I might be picky when it comes to partner but I could not afford to waste à so much time with an insecure guy. You are right and I appreciate your thoughts that if someone is motivated he will do a move to explore me, to explore the possibility of us being together.

 

To be honest, I have fear in entering a relationship but I need to overcome this.

 

But that's just it. You do not jump into a relationship. You go out on dates, get to know each other, have a good time - things either grow from there where you slowly connect and bond more or they don't and you stop seeing each other. A relationship develops, it's not something you just get into.

[RainyCoast]

To be honest, I have fear in entering a relationship but I need to overcome this.

if you can answer why that is, that's the contents of your whole "pile B", and maybe we can help shovel some of it out of the way.

[LaHermes]

Amihan:

 

"To be honest, I have fear in entering a relationship but I need to overcome this."

 

That's the reason why you second-guess and over-analyze.

 

 

You are 30 so by now I would imagine you would have become more astute at reading people. That is not the same as rumination and over-analysis.

[amihan]

not sure where you work but whole work+dating mix tends to get weird...i wouldn't personally fish in that "pool"...

 

re the work situation and your intellectual and physical appeal, not to minimize it by any chance, but there are intelligent beautiful women working everywhere and not all of them have this problem of being drooled over at the office and then ditched as if resented like they've been offering a carrot on a stick. if you're overly friendly, or appear malleable or submissive even, it's the toy vibe that makes them act like that, as you establish no professional and personal boundaries.

 

i'm not sure i understand your problem properly though, on one hand you say you're receptive and worried you'll end up alone, on the other hand these easy come easy go advances bother you? and the men are both over-driven and intimidated by you? i don't think that's most often the case. you had an office play match makers, and the guy proclaim you're his soul mate in a working environment, which doesn't sound like a bunch of people who value professionalism or intellect- it sounds like a bunch of people who think it's okay to act like that around you in the workplace. i'd come up with a new vibe that encourages a different response.

 

re the previous post, and being "slow"

 

speaking only for myself, but trying to make this relatable, though i personally wasn't sabotaged by an ex problem, i've been sabotaged in more general terms by a mourning problem... but the remedy may still apply.

 

when you're stopped dead in your tracks as someone makes an advance, i suggest imagining two piles of scraps of papers/post-its/ whatevers in front of you. one pile says "because ex/other past c*ap problems" and the other says "because we want to be responsible with feelings". so when a feeling-thought makes you freeze, stall, backtrack- decide which pile it belongs to. it should be quite easy in your case because you're only evaluating sabotage about men specifically (unless you also have a more general problem with self-sabotage).

 

if objectively, you are hesitant because you don't want to be careless and set yourself up for something poorly conceived from the beginning, good for you. then you can stop such advances with dignity and certainty, which should become a deterrent in it's own right when you've made a noticeable habit out of it, and it rids you of the impatient/immature kind.

 

if, however, your answer is, because ex/other undealt with stuff problems, file that "post-it". you can physically keep notes if it helps. then at the end of each day take 20-30 minutes to go through that pile and look for everything from your past relationships that you are transferring to new ones, dispute the irrational beliefs you have created about the present based on the past, and if you're stuck on feelings you can't resolve, schedule help for those.

 

while i don't think you're helping yourself by feeling rushed to not end up forever alone, if you really can't help it, then the inevitable course is to start shoveling your trauma pile pronto. it makes no sense to want to be both holding yourself back from romantic encounters, and to want to be faster with them. which is more important and helpful for you right now? and which needs to happen first, to make the other possible? as long as you're trying to do both, you're held back by conflicting drives, and what's stopping you from making a timely move is your own conscience saying either "this one isn't fit for anything serious" (pile A) or "i'm too traumatized to be fit for anything serious" (pile B).

 

sorry, i know that's stating the obvious but...you can't have a new investment, while you're stuck in an old one.

 

I really like you comments. With regarding to the manager, I really kept my professional boundaries. And good observation that it is not professional enough for co-workers and my boss to do the match making. I remember the last day before I resigned from my work due to health issue, he told me to stay in contact with him but at the back of my mind I said to myself that I will not do the first move.

 

Before I seemed advice from you, I have cleared my mind from all the guys that I have encountered. I am now focusing with present condition that in case a man arrives again in my life. I just needed to mention the Spanish guy I met in Europe years ago and the manager to provide which I thought Mr Nice. Thank you for the analysis. It helps me a lot to move more forward and scrutinize men.

[amihan]

if you can answer why that is, that's the contents of your whole "pile B", and maybe we can help shovel some of it out of the way.

 

Pile B :

1.I am afraid because Mr French was Mr nice when I met him. And I am afraid that they might wearing a Mask.

2. I am late bloomer in professional life . I am just starting to enjoy it.

3. Very focus be more financially stable since I don't have family anymore.

4. There s à fear for me to be disrespected again as a partner.

[RainyCoast]

Pile B :

1.I am afraid because Mr French was Mr nice when I met him. And I am afraid that they might wearing a Mask.

2. I am late bloomer in professional life . I am just starting to enjoy it.

3. Very focus be more financially stable since I don't have family anymore.

4. There s à fear for me to be disrespected again as a partner.

 

i love it that you can put your finger down on exactly what it is you need to work on! it helps to have that kind of clarity.

 

as far 2 and 3 are concerned, i'm in a very similar boat, so i may be heavily biased, but i do "get it", for what it's worth. i can imagine it would be very relaxing for one to be certain they have that kind of basic stability to be reliable- for themselves, and whoever else comes into the picture.

 

it does depend on how stressful your professional and financial situation is at the moment, and it helps to have some major signs of progress marked down on paper, such as seeing the list of projects until a promotion is due or you feel you have the skill to be confident about your work, or the number of downpayments on a loan or whatever. but then, it is also true you don't have to wait on some "one day" absolute certainty or security in life, people start things before they're all settled and if everything else is functional, it's not necessarily a problem. i think if you're mindful of not letting your responsibility and need for self-reliance spiral too far into an endless fear of failure of dependency, you're golden.

 

the 1 and 3 i would really really work on. have you noticed in this thread, you started off saying you were traumatized by the ex, and then your resistance when someone referred to it "no, i'm all done with the past", and here we are, talking about his face under the mask. i know you said you are really not comfortable going into that, and that's resistance clear as day, and i hope you can push through it and deal with the unpleasantness, if not here, then with help of your own choosing. just a heads up though, if you decide to tackle it here, ena is full of posters who have run the whole gamut of dysfunctional relationships from simple bad matches to controlling, abusive, heavily codependent ones, and while some of the advice may sound blunt at times, it's often piercingly to the point and priceless.

 

otherwise, for your private consideration at least, i would think about what your expectations were of the Kind French- what it was about the nice mask that drew you. i mean i understand the obvious part of course, who doesn't like a nice person, but what made you decide he was in fact nice, what was it you saw in him?

 

i had a hypothesis about your workplace situation earlier that i don't want to force because i don't want to make assumptions. but that there was an element of submissiveness on your part, and a distrust in yourself and a habit to trust someone seemingly more confident and at the same time sweet (benevolent) to take the lead, strikes me as possible. and is sometimes subconsciously meant to seduce a particular type of almost an aloof, cold parental figure, as if to get him to be a warm and supportive one "this time around". but the grownups who aren't one's parents and to whom the role appeals, as does the complementary role of infantile submission, aren't the people with whom one can have an equal dynamic, but instead people who function from a position of power, in contrast to the powerless position you perhaps place yourself in. it would explain how you were coaxed into a relationship with someone whose seemingly kind qualities like caring or protectiveness, or reassuring control in life turned into overbearing, perhaps constricting power, and then a disrespect for your frailty when that inappropriate power left you increasingly weaker psychologically, perhaps a despise for you as someone who hasn't grown into adult "powerful" shoes herself. that's a common scenario at least.

 

and, please forgive if i'm crossing a line perpetuating some stereotype- you said you were asian, i assume you're petite and look youthful, and as a pocket sized person myself, i can't tell you how many people who need an infantile thing to play big dog to were want to ascribe a generalized weakness and inexperience and submissiveness to that. if you're also acting very submissive or extra eager to please, that's double the call for some to disrespect you. i'm glad you say you don't want to be disrespected verbatim, because when i asked what it was about the vibe you give off that makes a bunch of professionals act like you have no boundaries for them to be mindful of, i was implying disrespect on their part- and wanted you to abandon the role that allows for it.

 

 

but if i were you, i wold be likely to think that there was a common denominator that determined the dynamic at work, and the one with Mask. and it's you, in the sense that for some reason, you believed you need to play a role that makes their behavior with you possible. if you know what you believed and why, you can dispute that, and replace it with more helpful beliefs and concomitant behaviors, which in turn make possible interpersonal dynamics that don't scare the daylight out of you.

 

then, you can not feel fearful of getting involved, and won't have much reason to either, nor will you be very interesting to or interested in the type that has it in them to instill fear.

 

i hope i'm not making it too vague, or confused, if so, it is because i want to avoid hasted conclusions, and intrusiveness.

 

but if you want to talk we're here for you.