My Boyfriend swears they we're "just friends"

[Meli1740]

I'm at a complete loss. A few weeks ago I felt uneasy - my gut was telling me something wasn't right.

 

A little backstory: I'm a 36 year old female in a long term relationship with my boyfriend who is 39. We've been together almost 18 years. He's only had one other serious relationship before me. We do not have the best relationship - it is very strained. We fight A LOT - about all different kinds of things, but mostly because he is not an emotional person. He doesn't really know how to show affection and this has been really difficult for me to grasp over the years. It causes a lot of problems between us because I feel unloved. The only reason I think we've lasted as long as we have is because we we're best friends before starting our relationship. I think we're both really afraid to lose each other.

 

Fast forward to two years ago - we we're going through an especially difficult time in our lives. We moved from Connecticut to California, so my boyfriend could work with his brother-in-law. His brother-in-law started a lucrative business. Well short story, it didn't work out as planned and his brother-in-law pulled the rug out of under us and left him jobless, with no money. We had to leave our rental house and move into their 1 room cabin on their property. I decided during this time to move back to Connecticut so that I could work (since where we were living in California, the jobs we're very limited and it was a very rural area). My boyfriend would follow me with our dogs about 6 months later. Once he came back he didn't have a job, he worked side jobs with my Mom to make some extra money. He then found a part-time job at a company down the street from us. His plan was to work during the day with my Mom and work nights at this part-time job, so we could pay off credit card bills and save money for an apartment - all while he was "supposedly" looking for a more permanent day job.

 

Well, this "part-time" job turned into his "full-time" job - the job is overnight. He works from 5pm-2/3am - 5 days a week. He makes a VERY low salary. He will not look for another job and tells me I'm not happy at any job he has. No, I'm not happy you aren't making money and we are struggling. Big difference. Ever since he started this job things have gone downhill FAST! He works with a lot of younger males - 19-20 year olds. He loves the attention from them. They've set him up with Snapchat, which he uses to communicate with them - A LOT!! There is also a bar in the facility where he works - the bar is not owned by the company he works for - it is outsourced. The person who owns the bar became friendly with him - it is a man in his 50's. This man gave my boyfriend side jobs, during the daytime hours at his other properties so he could earn some extra money. It was very helpful for us, when it started. This guy also has a 28 year old daughter and she runs the operations of the businesses he has, in particular this bar inside my boyfriend's job.

 

From what I understand, over time, my boyfriend and the man's daughter started a friendship. I was not aware of this friendship, at all. About 6 months into this friendship, there was a very uncomfortable night when I went to visit him on his Birthday, at his job. I was coordinating bringing a cake to his job with one of his younger male co-workers. The younger male co-worker told everyone in the bar I was coming around 11pm with the cake. When I was in route with the cake, apparently this girl took it upon herself to have a celebration for him. When I got there, he was upstairs in the bar and everyone was signing happy birthday to him. His younger male co-worker was mortified and very upset that this was happening. I was very upset but tried not to let it bother me. When she was leaving for the night, she came and hugged my boyfriend and kissed him on the cheek, right in front of me and said "Happy Birthday" - I didn't bring up my anger with him until the next morning. He SWORE they were not friends and he was taken off guard by the hug. He said the only time they have any interaction is at work, when she needs help with the A/C in the bar or needs paper products. He said he'll say Hi and Bye and have casual conversations like all co-workers do.

 

The day it exploded....it was about 2/3 weeks after his birthday. Even though he told me nothing was up with them, I was still feeling very uneasy. I have never in the 17 years we've been together snooped, went through his phone, nothing! I'm not that kind of girl. Something was making me feel sick about this though. I went into our phone bill usage and saw that over the past 3 months they have been constantly texting on the phone. A thousand or more texts in a month. The most recent was 1500 text messages between them in 3 weeks!! I confronted him and he swore they are "just friends" and that all the messages were BS or stupid back and forth things like what's good on Netflix, what are your plans for the day, he said she would ask a lot of relationship advice about her and her boyfriends relationship. He said he told her I was very unhappy and asked her what he could do to make me happy again. I cannot access any of the texts. TMobile will not release them to me and he swears that he deletes all of his text messages and has been doing so for years, so I cannot view what they said to each other. I think if I knew for sure it was innocent I'd have a much easier time trusting him again. I also found out - through the girl he was texting- (yes, I texted her and told her to stop contacting him - she swears they are just friends too and that he is good family friend, like a Brother to her LOL) that he was working for her Grandmother, who lives like 20 miles away from us, using OUR car and lying to me about where he was going. He told me this woman was a referral from another lady he did work for. He was also not charging this woman anything. He made $75 in the 3 weeks he did work for her. The last kicker is he helped this girl from the bar MOVE into her new apartment. He said the boyfriend was working and she really needed help, so him being a nice guy, went and helped. He didn't tell me any of this though until after I confronted him about the texts. So he LIED to me about where he was going the day he took the car while I was at work. I told him I was very upset, that he betrayed me and that I didn't want them talking anymore and he said he would stop talking to her. From what I understand they are no longer speaking but I still feel uneasy though and I don't know why. He doesn't see her very often anymore. She is not working at his job during the summer. I'm not sure how to move on and would like some advice! I have chosen to stay with him, but am having a really hard time re-gaining my trust in him.

[Andrina]

He engaged in an emotional affair, which sometimes has nothing to do with having a crush. It's sometimes a too intense friendship with someone of the opposite sex, where that emotional energy and time should be spent on one's partner instead. It's usually a symptom of a lack of an emotional connection with one's partner. You two need to inject a new spark into your relationship. Read some articles and books on ideas of how to do this. Start a new hobby together. Maybe take dancing lessons like Tango, Salsa, Swing, etc. Maybe buy bicycles and explore local bike trails. Go to a couples store and pick out new stuff you can try in the bedroom. Go to Cosmopolitan magazine online for ideas to spice things up. Try new things for date night. Challenge each other to come up with some new ideas to enjoy each others company that veer away from the humdrum dinner and a movie.

 

Don't bring up past arguments. He said he's no longer speaking to her, so trust him until you have a reason not to. Hopefully, he realizes how he messed up and cares enough to never let it happen again. Secrets never stay hidden. If he messes up again, you will know. The only power you have is to be the best gf possible and be proactive. You will find out if this is enough or not. Take care.

[Scoe141]

First, good for you for listening to you intuition, a woman' discernment is rarely wrong. Secondly, like Andrina said, the dude was having an emotional affair. 1000 texts in a month? C'mon. I'm sorry, but a guy and a girl don't meet and become just friends with that much communication. I'm not saying that he was cheating on you, but it sounds like he was pushing the envelope. If you didn't intervene, something may have happened, it was inevitable.

 

That being said, it sounds like you two need to sit down and have a one on one. I would even suggest a therapist since you mentioned you've been arguing a lot. If you decide to stay with him, the trust can be earned back. It's just going to take some time and a lot of effort.

 

Good luck.