Boyfriend lied about amount of divorces

[Michelle331984]

Hi everyone – I really need some advice. I’ve been dating a guy I met on Match.com for about six months now. About a month into dating, we decided to be exclusive. I’m 33 and he is 39. He has always been super upfront about everything with me – we have discussed our past relationships (I’ve been engaged once but never married, he told me he’s been married once and his divorce was final in January – about a week after we started dating). He’s met my family, and I’m really into him. Today, through a friend of mine who works with his friend, I found out he’s actually been married twice (his friend casually mentioned that he seems serious about me despite being married twice, and assumed I already knew). I haven’t confronted him about it yet but I haven’t been able to stop shaking and feel like I’m going to vomit. We are supposed to go on vacation next week – our first vacation – to Mexico. I don’t know what to do. This is a huge betrayal of my trust. Please help!

[ohmabby]

Wouldn't u feel sad and upset during ur whole trip? And in turn, it'll get him irrirated because u won't tell him. Or if u tell him during the trip, it'll only make ur first vacation worse. I say to confront him before the vacation happens & decide then whether to continue with the trip with or without him.

[Michelle331984]

Thank you. I am going back and forth as to whether this is a deal breaker. I feel as though I've been lied to for the past six months though, and that and all the friends of his that I've met so far I look like an absolute fool to, because I'm sure he's told them I have no idea he's been married twice and to not bring it up around me. I do need to confront him before the trip. Honestly at this point I'd rather go alone.

[rosephase]

Thank you. I am going back and forth as to whether this is a deal breaker. I feel as though I've been lied to for the past six months though, and that and all the friends of his that I've met so far I look like an absolute fool to, because I'm sure he's told them I have no idea he's been married twice and to not bring it up around me. I do need to confront him before the trip. Honestly at this point I'd rather go alone.

 

Well the only thing to do is talk to him. I assume his answer will be he hid it from you because he didn't want to scare you off. Or that his first marriage was short and he doesn't think about it. You are only six months in. If you are going to walk? Walk. If you like him and the relationship enough? talk to him. See what he has to say. Personally? If I was into the guy and everything else was working I would give him a shot to explain.

[melancholy123]

You need to talk to him now, before the holiday. I too thought maybe the first marriage was really short and he doesnt think about it anymore. See what he has to say and then decide if you want to stay with him and take the holiday or go by yourself.

[shessofly]

^^That may be the case, but how do you forget to mention a whole marriage? Even if it didn't last long? And while you were talking to someone you are dating about prior relationships. Just see what he says but an omission like that would throw me way off.

[MissCanuck]

That would very much make me question the integrity of this man.

 

Lying by omission and leaving you to find out on your own? Not good. Talk to him. Explain what you heard and tell him you are unhappy he neglected to mention it and embarrassed that you discovered this from a third party. Let him fill in the blanks.

 

Personally, I would have a hard time trusting someone who lied about something like a marriage. You say he's always been upfront, but apparently that's not true. Thus, I would likely not be able to proceed in good faith that he is honest about other areas of his life. In other words, I would question what else he is hiding.

[Knight2001]

are you 100% sure he has been married twice? all you have heard is hearsay.

you need to ask him to get to the bottom of it.

from experience i have been married twice. the second one was an absolute disaster which only lasted 3 months, maybe his was similar. he might have omitted it becasue it was just a huge mistake and he's embarrassed about (which i am - "what you were married 3 months hahaha"

i wouldnt let this be a deal breaker for you, unless you want out anyway.

ask him if it's true, tell him how you find out and ask him why he didnt tell you upfront. but make sure you do this before you go on vacation. if his reasons dont add up please come back here for comments/advice.

good luck.

[RainyCoast]

really weird, but i'd want to ask first too.

[Batya33]

If he lied (if) it would be a dealbreaker for me personally because of the integrity issue mostly

and also I'd ask to see the divorce decree or proof that he is actually divorced now. That's a major lie. Having said that two of my friends dated men from on line sites who lied about their ages - I had the opportunity to date both of them at different times and declined because of the lie. One friend is married to the guy and the other is engaged to her guy. My other friend married a guy who lied about when he graduated college, because he said he'd done the whole degree in 3 years to impress her, which was a lie. They've been married 22 years (and this happened early on in dating). Everyone has different thresholds for what kind of lie is a dealbreaker and what is forgivable and some people just have a black and white approach. Decide soon what yours is and if you stay you need to accept it, trust him and move on.

[Michelle331984]

I believe it to be true, but was hoping to talk to him about it and get to the bottom of it. You're right, it may have been some dumb thing that happened when he was younger and I would try to understand. But he's had many chances to disclose this over the time we've been together. As an update, I texted him this morning that we needed to talk. His response? "Not really". Then later he said he'd call me but I told him I can't talk today at work. In reality I want to do this in person and NOT at the workplace. This is just breaking my heart. I also found out I can't get a refund on the trip.

[LaHermes]

What an odd response: "Not really".

 

If someone texted me they needed to talk my first reaction would be "about what?".

 

I think asking directly and no beating about the bush is the best method, Michelle.

 

If the whole story turns out to be a real dealbreaker then why not take that holiday yourself, on your own.

[Michelle331984]

Sorry - didn't to mean to post my response twice but it won't let me erase it.

[Michelle331984]

I agree completely. I thought that was pretty rude of him but have done a very good job of keeping my emotions in check when communicating with him (only through text since I found out yesterday, which is normal for us). I had also texted that it was very important to me that we talked and he basically shut me down. He knows that I know at this point so I'm sure he knows what it's about but if you truly care about someone, is that any way to treat the person that you're with when they say they need to talk? I'm sick to my stomach over this. I would go on the trip by myself but I don't think he wouldn't go, especially if he knew he couldn't get his money back. So I feel like I can either not go and lose the money I paid or go with a guy I don't exactly want to be with anymore (based on his handling of this situation yesterday and today).

[LaHermes]

Michelle:

 

How does he know that you found out?

 

"He knows that I know at this point so I'm sure he knows what it's about but if you truly care about someone, is that any way to treat the person that you're with when they say they need to talk? "

 

That said why would he hide a first divorce. Wonder why he so nervy about that episode of his life and why could he just not say (rather than "not really") something along the lines of "that was a painful episode in my life and I prefer to forget it" etc. etc.

 

Try not to stress too much until you see him.

[RainyCoast]

that's a very weird response indeed are you still going to talk about it when you're both off work? i say the cat needs out of the bag.

 

deep breaths. keep us posted.

[Jibralta]

Wow, "not really?" And he knows you know? Something is wrong with him.

[Michelle331984]

The guy that works with my friend texted him that I found out. His demeanor has done a 180 since Monday, he has stopped texting and is being downright mean to me. As an update, I've been pushing to meet him in person and talk this out since yesterday, but he is avoiding me and being accusatory. We still haven't discussed the issue at hand and the way he's acting is making the whole situation so much worse than it ever had to be. I said to him yesterday that this is incredibly important and he just says he's too busy. FYI - he's a teacher and has off during the summer. I know this is 100% pure speculation but the common feedback my friends have given me was that something really bad must have happened - like physical violence or something. At one point during our text convo last not he said "I am not an abuser in any way shape or form" which I thought was incredibly odd because never before had I or would I have said he was an abuser. Maybe he thinks I know more than I do?

[LaHermes]

Oh dear, Michelle.

 

This does not sound good at all.

 

So he doesn't want to talk to you or meet you at all? So what exactly does he expect is going to happen?

 

I think it is time to call it a day M.

[shessofly]

Unfortunately I think he is giving you all you need to make a decision here. Maybe if you push enough and he delays long enough he will come up with some watered down version of the truth to explain why he lied to you. Essentially he's been caught, he knows it, and is not acting like someone who wants to explain himself/make amends. I'm sorry.

[KantSleep]

I think your hunch is correct, that he was accused (be it true or false, hard to say with no facts) of some sort of abuse in his first marriage. He didn't want you to know about this, so he kept it from you. Sorry you have to go through this, and sorry he is handling this poorly.