Conflicting Signs

[mermer123]

I've been dating a guy for 5 months. We had a rocky start but we got through it. I was just starting to get comfortable and trust him. Then he started getting mad at things he didn't used to get mad at, and then turning around and acting waaaay nicer than usual. I like it when people are nice to me, but something about this was surreal, and fake, and fishy. So I looked at his phone ( yeah I know, I'm bad) and just that day he was texting with a new female co worker. There was a lot of innuendo on her part and an invitation for beers. He didn't exactly turn her away. That night we went out and I told him about someone who had been hitting on me that day, and what I had said to deflect it and asked if I should keep that sort of thing to myself and he said he was glad I told him. He didn't say anything about her though. I looked again the next day, and they carried on the way they were. I confronted him about it and told him why it bothered me. I asked him if he would care if I did stuff like that and he said he would be fine with it. Well, I was not fine with it, so we have a difference in boundaries/ wants so I was like " Fine, you're a grown up, do what you want, but I'm out."

And then I don't even really know how, but we're still together. Like... I guess at some point he realized that no, he was kind of leading her on, and felt really bad. He apologized. He said everyone talks like that at work, even the guys talk like that to each other. But I was like... no... guys don't say things like " are you married? " follow up question " are you happy?"

 

I'm still a little paranoid, we've only been dating 5 months and this is the 3rd issue that's made me really wonder if he wants to be with me.

 

But then lately he's been super sweet like I came home from work and he had cooked dinner, and run me a bath. He bought all these parts and fixed up my bike for me. He woke up in the middle of the night crying because he had a dream that I died. (that one sounds a little over the top.)

 

I could probably get over it because nothing serious happened... but if I didn't interject, would something have happened? I guess I'm worried that if I keep forgiving him when he does things like that ( this being the 3rd time in 5 months) I'm allowing myself to be treated badly.

But also, he's generally a nice guy, and maybe if he does nice things like that it's a sign that he really is sorry. What do you think?

[Batya33]

If he were a thoughtful and compassionate person he would tell you why it happened and how he plans to make sure it never happens again. When my 8 year old does something wrong he covers me with kisses or tries to hug me. And I accept that of course and I make sure we also get very clear on what he did wrong and what the consequences are and if relevant how he plans to prevent it from happening again. Your boyfriend reminds me of a hot guy I went out with a few times who worked in sales and used to go to strip clubs a lot. And he insisted that getting a lap dance wasn't sexual. Right. Last date. Stick to your values. Snooping is wrong too. Sorry that he disappointed you

[Hell_On_Heels]

I guess I'm worried that if I keep forgiving him when he does things like that ( this being the 3rd time in 5 months) I'm allowing myself to be treated badly.

But also, he's generally a nice guy, and maybe if he does nice things like that it's a sign that he really is sorry. What do you think?

 

I think he isn't sorry because he keeps doing it. People learn to say sorry, they learn to do a nice thing here or there to make up for it. But when they keep repeating the hurtful behavior, they aren't sorry they hurt you. They're only sorry they got caught.