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I think I have to get this out of me. I’m struggling. I’ve met a wonderful woman, she is kind, generous, caring and sweet. She ticks so many of the boxes it’s unreal. Plus she likes me (!), and not only is she willing to accept me for who and what I am but also accepts that my past is less than savoury. She is a wonderful woman, and far more than I deserve.


Trouble is, I can’t stop thinking of my ex.


I was with a troubled girl, named T. She had issues, she was suffering from PTSD, taking anti-psychotics and other drugs. She was also self-medicating with alcohol, weed and the occasional bit of cocaine. We had our troubles including me getting arrested after a particularly heavy day of drinking (I got a broomstick to the head and 2 glasses thrown at me, and it was me that got arrested because I am male). Thankfully, nothing more came of the arrest and no further action was taken. Trouble is, instead of me helping her get better I made her worse and vice versa.

Thing is,I have issues too. I suffer from depression and drink problems. In retrospect, I’m now in a position where I could help her. I’ve kicked my demons to the edge of the earth over the last year. I don’t drink, I don’t sniff and I don’t have the troubles I used to. In a way things ending with T have been a very good thing for me. I’ve really been forced to look at myself long and hard and make the changes that were necessary. Some changes have had to be quite brutal. I have dumped a lot of my so called “friends” who were not interested in my well-being, and although my life is a lot lonelier, I can genuinely say it has changed for the better. I’m dry, and class A free.


The way things ended have always bugged me, and I guess I just haven’t dealt with the emotions or the grief. Instead I started smoking a lot more weed in the evenings (not a great strategy I admit) and at weekends I try to have my daughter even when it’s not my weekend so that I am constantly busy and not having any time to think about T. It was easier to squash the emotions down into my stomach and let them turn to hate and rage.


Her PTSD was centred around how her mum died on holiday when she was 19. All on her own she had to repatriate the body, deal with the funeral, get re-housed etc. It was coming up to the 6 year anniversary of her mother’s death and she wanted me to be with her at her home. I had to be at my flat on the Saturday morning for a gas inspection, so I decided to have my daughter Friday night and Saturday daytime. I invited T to stay with me that weekend, but she didn’t want to because she didn’t want to be around my daughter (due to her mental wellbeing). That afternoon after dropping my daughter off I rang T to see how she was but no reply. I was particularly tired that day, so I text her saying I hope she is ok, and I’ll see her the following morning. To that she replied that I should not bother coming back and I am a wasteman. I did not see her after that episode and the last bit of contact was me collecting my things from her house in a black bin bag left on her porch.


Thing is now I see that when she needed me the most I wasn’t there for her, but that wasn’t the way it was. All I could see at the time was someone who wanted to wallow in her own self-pity. I thought I had given her the opportunity to create new memories rather than wallow in old ones. I saw someone that wasn’t willing to try to change.

After that I went into self-imposed exile. I decided I needed to make the changes to my life that I wanted to happen with someone else. I couldn’t afford to wait for someone to help me. I had to help myself.


I moved to W******, so that I could give my daughter a nicer place to stay (and me too for that matter). I moved into a 2 bedroom house with a little garden. In part this was so that I was out of R***** and away from the pubs, drugs and distractions, I changed my phone number, cut myself off from social media and got stuck into my Buddhist faith.


Thing is, I’ve now met someone. She’s wonderful, but all I can think about is my ex. It feels like cheating in a way. When I think of being held, I think of T. When I think of being touched or making love, it’s T I think of, T that I crave. I find myself thinking of T at random times of day, partially because I picked up a couple of habits from her when it comes to “billing zoots”, and also my favourite t-shirt and hat are reminders of her.


I want to be able to move on from this, it has been over a year now since I picked up my black bin bag, and I want to move on. I want to fall in love with my new lady, but I can’t get close. I feel like I am still very much in love with T, despite the fact that apart is most probably the best way forward.

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There are far too many issues here to be dealt with in an online forum... but here's a start...


Often, people who are drawn to addicts/alcoholics/drug users etc etc do so because they think they can fix them, make them better. This is a dangerous myth; while you can support such people should THEY choose to make a recovery, nothing's going to happen unless they choose to do so. And most don't.


Along with this, depression means your whole emotional life is flattened - but the drama of a very toxic relationship will keep you feeling alive, even though it's very damaging. You are as addicted to T as she is to any of her drugs of choice; this is a condition known as codependency and is very common. Along with the addiction to another person you think you can 'help' is a profound fear of intimacy, which won't be challenged while you're in a toxic relationship.


This also explains why you can't feel any strong emotions for your new lady, who is reliable, dependable and interested in you.


If you want to work with this problem, join one of the many support groups/12 step program for codependency. You may also find this website helpful: [url="


Whatever, you already have a faith and if you do decide to take your own recovery seriously, this will help you enormously!


Good luck!

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