Depressed about break up from ex last year

[Ross88]

Hi all

 

I'm a 29M who had an intense 4 month relationship with a younger girl from work last summer. As soon as I met her I liked her. She was beautiful, caring, loyal, liked animals and just wanted to be with me.

 

We saw eachother a lot during that period but unfortunately I had to let her know that in the Autumn I would have to leave hundreds of miles away to go back to university as my current prospects in my job weren't good. The college that was offering the education were allowing me to go for free, unlike any other university and so I kind of had to go and do it.

 

When the time came to leave I had other stuff going on too and became quite depressed, partly at the prospect of not seeing her that often as well. I felt the best thing to do was break it off before it got more serious and we could both go our separate ways.

 

As the weeks went by however I missed her more and more and around Christmas time I tried to message her but she didnt reply. I then rang her and her new bf answered and it tied my stomach in knots. He told me how id missed my chance and to leave her alone. She was there and told me she had moved on too. For a month I was a complete mess.

 

Intermittently over the past 6 months I have been really sad about it but I dreamt about her the other night and feel back to square one.

 

I'm filled with so much regret about how I handled the situation and often long for last year so I could make the other choice and still be with her. I cry a lot now and feel sick that she is in the arms of another man although I knew she would move on eventually. She was such an amazing girl and I don't feel like I'm going to ever move past this. Not having her in my life is very tough. Women don't usually like me and so i almost feel like I blew my chance to be with someone I thought was special. Days just seem so dour and miserable I almost don't see the point.

 

It's made worse by the fact I'm losing my hair quite young and I have sexual problems. It all makes me pretty down. Ive tried counselling and I'm on antidepressants but none of it helps that much, even exercise which I do regularly. I still just miss her and get flashbacks of where we went and what we did, what she said to me and I just start tearing up.

 

I think I'll leave it there as I don't know what else to say right now. Hope you all enjoyed my story and if you have any good advice Id much appreciate it.

 

Thank you

[Dominique]

Sending you love and light.

 

It does get better but for now the hurt will come. You made the right decision. Holding on when you know you can't be together is difficult and may have ended in heartbreak anyway because of the distance.

That doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I broke with my college sweetheart due to distance and it hurt for a long time.... Like a year.

Eventually he married someone else and so did I. It wasn't meant to be. But that didn't make it hurt less at the time.

 

Take care of yourself and try to find things you enjoy so your heart can find happy again. Once you find happiness by yourself, you will be able to heal the hurt and regret and possibly be open to loving someone else. Remember, people love to be with people who are happy and fulfilled. If you are sad and empty, you will never attract a healthy relationship or person into your life.

 

I wish you the best and encourage you to post here and get support from people who understand. It helps. 💙😊

[sinigang]

Hah. I made an account just to reply to your post. I, too, had a dream about an ex (of 3 yrs) years ago... Guess what I did? I called my ex after 2 years, lmao... We were on the phone for over hour. Talking about the good old times, and the not so good. We laughed. I had butterflies in my stomach all over again. Then I told my ex, who got in another serious relationship after a year of our breakup, that I will wait for the time that we can get back together again. No matter how long the wait, I will wait. The reply that I got broke my heart. Like it deada** broke in half.

My ex told me we cant go back to our old selves. My ex moved on, and is very much in love. According to my ex, my ex has found the One. I swore to myself to never call my ex again.

 

 

Hah. I met the love of my life 6 months later. I wasn't even looking. I was just being me. Me personally, I learned not to let go of the people that I truly love. Did I love my ex? Yes, but not the kind of love I have for the person I am with now. I will not be letting go of this one unless of course some Bs happens! Lol. I will always love myself first. (Not in a conceited way, Im loving myself first because if I don't nobody else will)

Also, I learned that there are different kinds of love. I will never unlove my ex.

I am genuinely happy that my ex is happy. And that is love.

 

 

Be kind to yourself, always.

[Careerchoice]

I offer you solidarity friend.

 

I'm filled with so much regret about how I handled the situation and often long for last year so I could make the other choice and still be with her.

 

And ruin your future? You said it yourself that your job prospects weren't good there. You thought the choice through and made the best decision that you could. Nothing to regret in all of that.

 

She was such an amazing girl and I don't feel like I'm going to ever move past this. Not having her in my life is very tough. Women don't usually like me and so i almost feel like I blew my chance to be with someone I thought was special.

 

Stop glamorizing your ex. She may have been very nice, but she is no unicorn. In a world of 3+ billion females, I refuse to believe any woman is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. There are others out there who can give you exactly what your ex gave you. And you have the proof that you can get one of them too; you got your ex.

 

It's made worse by the fact I'm losing my hair quite young and I have sexual problems.

 

Shave it all off. I went through chemotherapy last year and lost all my hair. I think I looked great and I would not hesitate to cut it all off again, whether I start losing my hair or not. For the sexual problems, go see a doctor. Explore all potential solutions before you get down on yourself. There's no time to waste; only time to take action.

[Ross88]

Hey again

Thank you all for your replies and taking time to help me with this problem when I know life can be tough for all. Careerchoice im sorry to hear of your health struggles and hope that you are pulling through. I would reply to each of you individually but I'm new to the site and am not familiar with the functionality yet.

 

I guess when I have my down time that's when I think of her. The regret is partly due to not having giving the long distance a go with her and seeing her for the weekend every 3/4 weeks.

 

It's her innocence and at the same time maturity that I miss the most. I have met other girls for dates and stuggle to develop the same bonds. I can't believe I just didn't see what I had in front of me at the time and instead let other things get in the way. I definitely feel like I'm stuck in a time warp from last summer whilst she's moved on. It's amazing how the direction of your life can be altered dramatically due to the outcome of one small situation or decision in time. I know I'll probably never see her again and that she probably doesn't feel anything for me anymore. Sometimes I wish I was in the movie click with Adam Sandler where he could rewind time to stop his mistakes. Ironically, she actually quoted this film to me after she watched it when we were together and told me it's importance of appreciating others.

[Ross88]

# I ran out of words on the last message #

 

I'm just at work as part of my course now and still thinking about her. I'm like a zombie at the minute and I keep thinking about her and her new bf together thinking if hes taller and bigger and better looking than me which he probably is as she was attractive. I think about them having fun and making love together which is very painful. I worry she'll be the one that I think about when I'm old and as the one that got away, and it was my fault. Life just seems so pointless now

[Ross88]

Hey everyone

 

Here I am a year on. I thought I was doing okay but turns out I'm not. Just lately I've been getting nostalgic and has led me to being extremely depressed about ruining the relationship. I often think of her, if she's still with the same guy or flirting with other guys. I think I lost someone truly special and it was all my fault for having to move away and not giving it a try long distance however tough it may have been.

 

I haven't met anyone else since. I'm okay looking and not getting any better, going bald too which isn't good. She was beautiful on the other hand. I cant stop having vivid thoughts about someone better looking, taller etc being intimate with her. I'm also dreaming about her more.

 

I'm still on the meds. Broke down to my doctor today who referred me for more therapy even though it doesn't help much for me. I'm just extremely down with no one really to talk to. Before her I was single but at least I never knew there was someone out there like her. It was better that way. Now I do and I can't be with her.

 

It's strange how you can make 1 decision that seems not that significant at the time but it can really shape the rest of your life. I'm paying for it now. I wish I could have gone the other way.

[cantgiveup]

Hey man,

 

Sorry to hear it's been a year and you're still struggling. It sounds like there's probably more going on than just the issues from the breakup. I know what you mean about therapy I go to but there's no magic words they can say or a pill they can give you that will instantly make you feel better.

 

I myself am struggling with the same thing I broke up with my ex and now am consumed with thoughts that it was a huge mistake. It's tougher to get past I guess when it's you decision.

 

I think the think to realize is that we have to want to get better at some point. There is a part of your thinking mind that is comfortable with being depressed and feeling down, and it wants to stay that way.

 

Are you still in contact with her? You don't stalk her social media do you? If so, STOP - that is a major mistake. You have to stay away from all reminders, and it seems like something must be pulling you back in because a year does seem to be a really long time to still be thinking about someone IF you aren't still talking to them or looking at pictures or whatever. I hope you're not doing that if so STOP asap for your own good.

 

I hope things get better for you try and meet someone else even if they aren't as good looking it would help to have some companionship.

 

I know how you feel man regrets are hell but you've got to want to get over it and her and feel better. I know it isn't easy I am struggling with it myself.

 

What I have been doing is going to Al-Anon groups because I grew up in an alcoholic family and I know I have some deeper issues that are making it harder for me to get past my recent relationship. It has been helpful to me perhaps something like that would help you as well.

 

Let me know man I am here to help you in any way I can.

[Ross88]

Hey Mate thanks for replying,

 

It's been kinda lonely today in my flat as I skipped work so I appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles as well. Like you say it does make it harder when you were the one to end the relationship. I never knew it would be this hard.

 

It's good that you have something to help you through these times, I'm just looking for that too at the minute.

 

I don'thave her on Facebook or any of that as we made a clean break when we split up but I guess I'm just one to ruminate and wonder what if you know.

 

It's made worse as I'm in a town where I don't really have any friends so I tend to go about my day by myself. I even tried asking 2 girls out today near the beach but they said no. I wasn't overly bothered I just was trying to take my mind off my ex really.

 

Sometimes I think to myself how did I get here in this situation. She's the only girl to have ever cared for me like she did. I've cried a lot today and its hard to eat and do other stuff but I managed. How are you coping, were you together long?

[cantgiveup]

Believe it or not it was only about 8 months. But I let her string me along waaaayyy tooo long.

 

I guess I lost it with her, I just made a post her about it you can check it out if you're ready to read a novel lol.

 

I feel you I totally lost my appetite I have lost about 20 lbs.

 

I have realized that my having such a hard time getting over this breakup has something to do with my own self-esteem and core issues. I come from a alcoholic family of origin that was pretty chaotic to grow up in.

 

And I am 39 and have a 4 long term relationships the longest of which lasted 2 years and they always blow up in my face. I have been alone most of my adult life.

 

I am seeing a therapist, and I go to Al-Anon meetings (for families of alcoholics). And i take .5mg xanax periodically otherwise the anxiety would keep me from sitting still at my desk Thank god my bosses have been very understanding many other places would have fired me I am certain.

 

I do have roommates but yeah at my age many fiends have drifted away. I know I need to make some new friends, and I am sure that would help you. I have been doing some online dating maybe try that?

 

Have you looked into yourself and maybe asked yourself if this is a deeper issue with you and self-confidence or negative mindset and not so much to do with her? I know that is what it is for me.

 

So I am just trying to do my best to take the focus of my thoughts of her and the story about what happened and but it back on to me and what I need to do with myself.

 

I am going to Al-Anon meetings as well and that has really helped the people there are very willing to listen.