How should I kick my mother out when the time comes?

[abitbroken]

One other thing -- if you were a 55 year old man - had established a career and family and mom in her 70s started to exhibit these traits --- i could understand "taking care of mom" - but you are a young man just launching into the world and you are faced with possibly not getting the experience of having a family of your own because mom is your child to take care of in a way. You don't live in the south or the midwest where you can afford a more sprawling property with a detached cottage for mom and she is too young to go into assisted living. I really think that its less about mental illness and more about enabling at this point.

[Clarisse]

Unfortunately, you're in a very difficult position.

 

I think you should give her a timeline with milestones along the way so that she can accept that the move is a reality.

 

Hermes had some great suggestions. If she does move back into her home, perhaps she could get a roommate to help with expenses? Maybe she can get a job as a housekeeper too?

 

Good luck to you.

[oscuro]

Well no she doesn't "make you" anything and she wasn't going to kick you out when you were depressed or suicidal. I don't think she should live with you because of your toxic relationship. Look into community resources/government programs for her. I don't think she's particularly employable right now if she can't even apply for a job on her own. Can other family members help with resources?

 

Living in small living quarters with my mother who likes to throw her anger and misery is very difficult for me. I literally have to face her and ignore her petulance towards me. I literally have to stand around her and hear her tell me how miserable she is. But yes. I am responsible of my own emotional state. I have to be the emotionally mature person and manage my stress and learn to _not_ absorb the anger she directs towards me.

[oscuro]

Didn't you say that her sister invited her to live with her and her excuses are she has physical illnesses that don't exist and that is why she wouldn't go? My suggestion before is to have her sister come get her BEFORE the day you move or get close to moving. She knows how your mom is and has offered. Whether you and your girlfriend last the long term or not, you need to decide whether you are going to live in a cohabitating codependent relationship with mom forever, or you are going to live independently. You should not have a future where you have to pay 100% of mom's bills.

 

There are two options - live with the sister or live in her own house. Your aunt sounds like the best option at this point.

Or if you are relegated to living with mom forever - then move in with her house with her and share the bills, but don't expect the girlfriend to stick around.

 

 

Unfortunately no. Nothing you described relates to my mother. You may be thinking of someone else. My mother's sister lives with an abusive, husband. Then again he's somewhat infirmed now so I guess that makes him less abusive? I don't know the nature of that relationship (that husband and wife) but I do know what my mother hates the husband and doesn't want to be around him and it's very possible he will not allow my mother to live there.

 

You should not have a future where you have to pay 100% of mom's bills.

 

I hear you but if my choice is my mother lives with me OR I pay her bills... I'll pay her bills.

[oscuro]

One other thing -- if you were a 55 year old man - had established a career and family and mom in her 70s started to exhibit these traits --- i could understand "taking care of mom" - but you are a young man just launching into the world and you are faced with possibly not getting the experience of having a family of your own because mom is your child to take care of in a way. You don't live in the south or the midwest where you can afford a more sprawling property with a detached cottage for mom and she is too young to go into assisted living. I really think that its less about mental illness and more about enabling at this point.

 

It was certainly always my intention to take care of my mom when it seemed really necessary. It is shocking that happened now under these circumstances. Even my girlfriend (we're practically common law married) agrees that in the future when my mother is weak and unable to support herself that we can do something. However right now is difficult as you point out. My girlfriend and I... we just want to learn to have a healthy relationship together. Build something good together.

[oscuro]

Unfortunately, you're in a very difficult position.

 

I think you should give her a timeline with milestones along the way so that she can accept that the move is a reality.

 

Hermes had some great suggestions. If she does move back into her home, perhaps she could get a roommate to help with expenses? Maybe she can get a job as a housekeeper too?

 

Good luck to you.

 

The problem with the roommate thing, or at least the pragmatic problem, is that she may not be able to get enough money from roommates based on the location where her house is. Enough money for bills and living. She rents the entire house out right now for about $1100. A three bedroom house. That's her only monthly income. If she lived there and rented two rooms out she'd likely only get $700-800 at most for two rooms. But wait a minute. Maybe then I can just pay her an allowance to help out. Like an additional $300 a month. Hmm.

 

And what I meant by "pragmatic" earlier is that due to my mother's personality she also doesn't get along with people very well so the roommate thing scares her.

[oscuro]

Oscuro.

She doesn't want to get a job because that would mean she would have to stand on her own two feet and believe me she is intelligent enough, and wily enough to ensure the interview did not prove successful.

 

She is looking for a job. She has been fortunate enough to even have an interview or two. She briefly did work a few days ago as one of those people asking for donations for a non-profit. It was difficult for her because it requires she stand for 7 hours outside and she's not physically capable of doing that without a lot of pain in her back. She did it but she's not sure she can do it again in the next couple days.

 

You may think she's being "wiley" in doing poorly with her recent phone call. You over estimate her competence. She is truly very incompetent in SOME areas of life. Other people have suggested anxiety. That's closer to the truth. She's easily triggered and stressed. SO MANY THINGS make her uncomfortable and when she's uncomfortable she can't think straight, make sensible decisions, or do much of anything. It's likely she was on this phone call, felt nervous, and this impacted her ability to successfully sell herself.

[oscuro]

Maybe she can get a job as a housekeeper too?

 

Good luck to you.

 

I am in the process of helping her find a housekeeping job, yeah. Unfortunately most in my city require that housekeepers have a car. She doesn't have one (hell I don't either but by choice). I find this really disappointing because housekeepers are not necessarily earning a lot. It seems really excessive to expect them to have their own dependable car. I saw some job ads stating explicitly that they don't want housekeepers who are dependent on mass transit (busses). That's very disappointing.

[LaHermes]

Well, Oscuro, it is still looking like it might be best for her to get back to her own house, and whether she gets on well with others or not, to let out a couple of rooms, for the type of income you mentioned.

Just as an aside, has she sought any professional help for her anxiety and other issues?

 

I can understand she may not be able to stand for seven hours at a stretch, and I don't think anyone could be asked to do that.

 

I have to say that here (and not just where you live) housekeepers are required to have own transport. And any housekeepers I have come across did indeed have own car. Then again I don't know what the going hourly rate might be where you are. Here it varies slightly, but the usual would be 12 to 15 euro an hour.

 

All that said, even housekeeping work can be quite arduous, so that is a factor to be kept in mind.

[oscuro]

Well, Oscuro, it is still looking like it might be best for her to get back to her own house, and whether she gets on well with others or not, to let out a couple of rooms, for the type of income you mentioned.

Just as an aside, has she sought any professional help for her anxiety and other issues?

 

I can understand she may not be able to stand for seven hours at a stretch, and I don't think anyone could be asked to do that.

 

I have to say that here (and not just where you live) housekeepers are required to have own transport. And any housekeepers I have come across did indeed have own car. Then again I don't know what the going hourly rate might be where you are. Here it varies slightly, but the usual would be 12 to 15 euro an hour.

 

All that said, even housekeeping work can be quite arduous, so that is a factor to be kept in mind.

 

I will revisit the idea of her moving into her old house. I would need to find roommates for her (another task she's not entirely comfortable doing). Giving her an allowance while she lives in her old house with roommates would probably be useful.

 

I convinced her years ago to see some kind of specialist but more specifically relating to therapy. She speaks about it in a very strange way. She says it didn't help. She seems resentful that I recommended it. Then she also says she was able to talk about her mother (and how much she hates her). I'm assuming that venting about her mother was probably useful for her, despite her suggestion otherwise. She really hates her mother. As mentioned elsewhere in this thread, she holds the belief that seeking professional help is a sign of weakness and failure. My mother believes there is nothing psychologically problematic with her. Her ego is so sensitive that any suggestion that she needs help hurts her feelings.

[Clarisse]

Wow, she doesn't even have her own car? Her job opportunities are extremely limited.

 

I think the roommate idea is the best bet. Maybe she can find a nice female college student (or two) who is never home. If she lives in a residential area, perhaps she can find housekeeping opportunities within walking distance. Does she get spousal support from your dad? She sounds like a good candidate for social services.

[boltnrun]

My mother was clinically depressed.

 

She came to live with my husband and I after my brother's (now ex) wife threw a tizzy fit when he suggested Mom live with them.

 

She was extremely demanding, to the point where all she wanted me to do was sit next to her staring at her. Literally. I had a newborn and while she expressed to the world how delighted she was to have a grandchild, and while she did genuinely love him, she still expected me to be at her beck and call. I mean, if she called out to me and I was carrying my newborn from one room to another and I didn't drop my newborn on the floor and go running to her immediately, she accused me of wanting her dead. Seriously.

 

I can't even get into the things she did on a daily basis (escalating to her throwing herself on the ground deliberately to injure herself when my husband and I planned to go away overnight with our child), but it took a terrible toll on my marriage and my family life.

 

We finally ended up renting her an apartment in the same neighborhood. I visited her pretty much daily with my child, but she still felt I wanted her dead for some reason. She tried to manipulate us into letting her move back in by suggesting a "visit" (which I knew would become permanent), but when I offered to visit her instead she again accused me of wanting her dead and slammed down the phone.

 

Sadly, she passed away in her very early 50s. I truly believe the depression killed her and not the chronic medical condition she had.

 

I tell you this because I feel it is vital that she see a medical professional so she can get the help she needs. There may be underlying issues you know nothing about because she's afraid to tell anyone. A professional can suggest a plan of action to get her living on her own so you won't be put through the daily stress you are experiencing. And most important, she can get the help she needs.

 

Maybe you can sell it to her like this..."Mom, I really care about you, which is why I would like you to see this (doctor, counselor, etc.). Can you do this for me? It would really help me feel better about your health and well-being". See how she responds.

 

Oftentimes people will take advice from strangers better than from those close to them. Who knew LOL!

[KantSleep]

Well, you are in quite the bind. I am in your mother's age bracket. My 23 year old son lives home with me. He has anxiety, and for awhile it was getting out-of-control. When that happened, I thought about my life with my current BF, and my future plans. If we move in together, can the BF deal with this idea of my son living with us, perhaps forever? I say this not because I want this, I want better for him, but because for awhile there I thought it may become a reality. So I began to try to figure out what to do, and I thought, well, I could always buy a duplex, where the homes are attached, but there are completely separate living quarters and we see each other when invited. How that would work out financially would have to be considered. Maybe this would be an option for you. Not sure. In my case, with the help of extensive testing, a diagnosis, the correct doctors helping, a new job (10 months in and doing well), he is doing OK and I see hope. The difference between my story and yours is my son is a good kid, funny, kind, considerate and not getting into bad things like drugs and booze. So I want to help him. Your mother may not be able to change her spots. The fact that she drags you down with her negativity is no fun. I had that type of situation in my life at one point and I began to shrivel inside as a result of this. I would continue with trying to assist her find work. I would only pay her way as a last resort. Like the others have stated, if she is hard-core unemployable she may qualify for assistance. Trying to find that balance will be difficult, but do not let her drag you down or ruin your fine relationship with your GF. You can only do so much, as she must be willing to help herself to some degree. I wish I had better answers, but I would not go so far as to turn your back on her completely, even if it is warranted because of her treatment of you. Why? Because it would likely not bode well on your conscience if she ended up in the street. Good luck.

[EdgeOfLight]

I disagree with the people defending your mother. Just because someone gave birth to you and raised you does not automatically make them a saint or worthy of your love and attention. There are plenty of abusive parents who don't care about their children and treat them like utter garbage or like they don't exist at all and they don't deserve any compassion. I'm not saying that your mother was abusive, Oscuro, just to be clear although a parent dumping all their troubles onto you would be considered a form of mental/emotional abuse, if you ask me.

 

Anyway, yes, you only get one mother but for all we know you only get one life, too, and everyone deserves to live their life in happiness not surrounded by toxic people that only bring negativity and misery. I think what you should do is try to get your mother help. Suggest therapy to her (some places are very cheap in some states and charge what a person can afford -- like $10) or medication or alternative methods for handling her anxiety. If she can't afford it she can apply to Medicaid and her doctor visits will be mostly free. Also, tell her straight up how you feel. Tell her that whenever she talks to you, you feel like all she does is complain and the conversation is always negative and explain to her how it bothers you. Once you do that, then she has a chance to change how she speaks to you. In fact, doing that might make her aware of how much she focuses on the bad in her life and may help her develop a better future by changing her conversation topics and thus her train of thought. Maybe.

 

If she blames you for her discomfort then removing yourself from her life might be doing you both a favor. If she makes you suicidal then get away from her. Her life is no more valuable or precious than yours and sometimes you have to put yourself first. I know some people won't agree with this but it's the truth. When people reach a certain age, its very difficult for them to change, so your mother probably won't be altering her behavior any time soon and there's no reason you should force yourself to deal with something that is obviously hurting you and interfering with your ability to live a normal life.

 

Also, anxiety if diagnosed is a disability and she can get SSI and live on her own off that money. I know because my mother has been using it for years and rents cheap places but its still a roof.

 

So long as you tell your mother that she has X amount of months to move out then you are NOT kicking her out on the streets. It takes six months to get an SSI check after being approved, which you can do online or over the phone or by going to the correct office. I would exhaust your options so you can have your own life not dictated by the behavior of another.

 

Don't let people make you feel bad for eliminating toxic people from your life either. So long as you have a conversation with her and explain in detail to her what she's doing and how it affects you, thus giving her a fair chance to change her behavior, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. And I'll say it again, just because she raised you that doesn't mean you owe her anything. The truth of the matter is, you will feel bad when you force her to take care of herself but that's because you sound like a good person stuck in a situation you didn't ask for and had no control over from the start, and you probably care about her even though she causes you all this pain. Do all you can to help her but don't sacrifice your life.

 

Sorry this was poorly written. I hope I got the message across clearly.

 

EDIT: I'm editing my post because I realize I was being a little ignorant and assumed you lived in the USA. If you don't, I hope there are programs in your country like they have here that can help your mother. Best of luck to you.

[amihan]

She needs a place. The appartement idea is great .That's better than sending her life in being homeless. Just like you, I have fear in the future that someday if I will settle down, how will be grandma's life. Yes, my 87 year old granny. I am already alone in life but I saw how miserable her life is with my mother's sibling. But I took her out of that life even though I know that I cannot enjoy the liberty and the life I dreamed. At the end of the day, I could not abandoned her physically and emotionally. Her children did that and I want her to feel the love and appreciation of her life sacrifices by me. I even feel like a single mother juggling my career and my responsibility with my granny. Her children could not even provide financial support.

 

Parents have so much sacrifices that we are not aware of because we are too busy with dreams and pre-occupations. But it will be a great reward for them that we return that love, care and concern. Just remember you may replace a woman a hundred times but you cannot replace a mother.

 

After discussing these with enotalone members, may you have the wisdom to decide and handle issue .

[abitbroken]

I think that if you intend to pay for an apartment for mom,or a room for rent, you need to have a conversation with your girlfriend that this is what your life is going to be - you are always going to be footing the bill for mom. if she doesn't see a future where she will be obligated to someone's mother (after all, if you marry, its her responsibility, too), then she needs to be able to make a choice. Its one thing to help 90 year old mom out - which would come later in life -- but being saddled with mom at such an early age - its your whole lifestyle.

 

And ultimately its about personal boundaries also. Mom managed to have a job even though she complained about it before and if you stopped enabling her and drew the line she would either go to a doctor or find a job. She doesn't have to because she has a check coming from her house that she rents out and she has your place to live at rent free.

 

Also, were you not the same person that had a cousin living with you, too, or am i confusing you with someone else?