Jump to content

Is he afraid of me or he does not just want to see me?


Recommended Posts

I had a casual relationship with this guy last year at the end of summer, it's been several months we didn't see each other but we had contact several times since then. We know each other pretty well and there was a lot of complicity and attraction between us.

Recently, after having cut contact with me for 2 months because of a huge fight, he recontacted me 3 months ago to tell he missed me and that things were better with me, but we still didn't meet up. Either we argue or he says he's busy.


He flirts a lot with me, and I'm now sure of him being still interested by me (we're still very attracted to each other and when we talk it's the same complicity as before). I also understood that he sometimes brags (to impress me?) on purpose.


We run into each other last time, after months without seeing us. He seemed embarrassed, while by messages he acts proud. I also noticed he looked back at me several time until I left when he though I didn't see him.


He has a push/pull behavior, it's like every time we get closer, he suddenly wants to get some distance with me.


While he was planning to see me, right after he said he didn't know if we were going to see each other again one day, because he's very busy this month. With no reason, he get angry and became obnoxious towards me.

Weird fact, before getting angry, I told him his best friend was following me on social media (whereas he doesn't know me), I was surprised and wanted to see his reaction. He ignored the question, flirted with me and suddenly get angry, saying I was asking too many questions and being pushy by insisting to meet up. Might be a coincidence, but I suspect him to have talked about me.


Why he acts like that, does he not want to see me or he is afraid? What can I do to calm down things, or should I make no contact again?

Link to comment

I read this and think, "This guy just has anger problems and/or thinks badly of women who want to be with him," which are major red flags.


And anyone who is "afraid of their feelings" needs to get a grip and you need to realize those are not people you should want in your life, they need to go to therapy.


Nothing about this guy sounds good. He's weird and moody and gets mad over nothing. That's just a recipe for disaster no matter which way you cut it. It's probably better if you ask yourself why you're chasing after someone like that instead of an "Oh good lord, my mistake, block, delete, find someone sane."


P.S. Bragging to impress others is another serious red flag. No one does that who is normal unless maybe their 13. If you're both 13 then okay, he hasn't learned yet it's the fastest way to chase people off, but if he's beyond the age run for the door.

Link to comment

Your term "complicity" stood out for me. The definition of complicit may be a red flag for you.


The first months or year of dating each other really should be about mutual sharing, discovery, and enjoyment. It's normal to expect both partners to be on good behavior and to be respectful and emotionally responsible in each other's company. It sounds like that is not exactly the case here.


The push/pull and anger expression both are red flags. But another is that he appears to be emotionally unavailable. This is a guy you would probably have to chase, cajole, persuade, and apologize to frequently -- and not even because you'd done anything wrong, but because his character and ambivalence are determining the terms of and driving the relationship. It's easy to fall into and go along with this relationship style, but, DON'T.


If you are able, I would recommend putting distance between you and this man. He may be attractive and appealing in many ways, but the ambivalence and anger expressions can become very problematic, if they aren't already.


One thing I want to say to you, and not from any judgmental place but just food for thought: what I get from first read is that it isn't quite clear to either of you how you truly feel about each other, or what it is/was that you want the relationship or connection to be. If it is out of boredom or something to do just because it is there, it means that neither partner is fully invested or interested or respected or valued. People all will have varying responses to that undercurrent, because basically on some level they know they are being used. No one truly enjoys that; it hurts. So I can see where there is confusion on your part and pain and anger outbursts on his. It still doesn't excuse or exempt him from handling his emotions responsibly.


In the future, be careful how you disclose third party or "competitor" aspects. I understand you were trying to get a better idea of his interest level, but on the chance that he really liked you and/or privately considered that this could become more than just a casual connection, what happened here is that you basically let him know that one of his friends had crossed a line, and that maybe you were ok with that. Regardless how he responded -- and he has a right to be upset with his friend, but may have felt really shocked and hurt by what he learned from you -- it's important to maybe check your own motivations there. We forget sometimes that everyone has a heart that can be hurt.


Pay attention to the ambivalence, though. It's often a clear signal that we should disconnect/discontinue, put our energies into something else, and invest in more positive associations.

Link to comment

I don't understand what you want from this? If it is casual sex with a guy who has anger/unreliability issues , then he is a great choice. If you want a bf and someone who treats you with respect, then lose this creep.


I hope you want better for yourself.

Link to comment

It's much easier to believe he's "afraid" of you, rather than admit that they've lost interest, etc. At this point you're accepting the role as the "sit on the shelf girl", rather than face rejection.


The bottom line is, until you realize you deserve better along with respecting yourself, you're dancing on a dead end street.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...